119: How to Have the Best Fight of Your Life with Lindley Gentile, LMFT
Nov 11, 2024
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Lindley Gentile is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of How to Have the Best Fight of Your Life. In this engaging conversation, she discusses why couples often struggle with conflict and how to improve their 'fighting skills.' Lindley emphasizes the dangers of seeking who's right or wrong and champions using 'I' statements over 'You' statements. She introduces the WWC framework—witness, witness, collaborate—as a pathway to better communication. The importance of empathy during disagreements and the need for a pause in conflicts are also highlighted, offering listeners valuable insights.
Effective conflict resolution in relationships enhances emotional intimacy by ensuring both partners feel seen and heard during disagreements.
Adopting a witnessing approach allows couples to validate each other's experiences, fostering collaboration and deeper understanding during conflicts.
Deep dives
The Importance of Fighting Well
Learning to fight well is essential for maintaining and deepening love in a relationship. Arguments can lead to emotional growth and opportunities to truly understand one another, as they help partners feel seen and heard. By mastering conflict resolution, couples can enhance their bond rather than avoiding uncomfortable conversations that can lead to resentment. Thus, fighting effectively becomes a necessary skill that couples must develop over time for sustained connection and intimacy.
Common Mistakes in Conflict
Couples often make several key mistakes during conflicts, including ignoring problems and oversharing clarifying information instead of addressing feelings. Many partners mistakenly believe that a lack of disagreement signifies a healthy relationship, when, in reality, it may indicate the avoidance of important issues. Additionally, simply providing more context during an argument usually fails to lead to understanding, as partners need to be heard before they can actually comprehend more information. Recognizing and avoiding these pitfalls is crucial for creating a space of open communication.
The Role of Emotional Awareness
Emotional awareness plays a critical role during conflicts, as many people withdraw or shut down when faced with intense feelings. Effective fighting techniques require partners to communicate their emotional states and take breaks when needed while reassuring each other of their commitment to resolving the issue. Establishing a pause rather than a withdrawal can foster trust and understanding, allowing both individuals to return to the conversation with cleared minds. This encourages productive dialogue and a more profound connection between partners.
The Power of Witnessing
Witnessing involves partners actively listening to each other’s experiences during conflicts instead of adopting combative stances. When one partner expresses their feelings, the other should mirror back those sentiments to create a sense of understanding and validation. This practice ensures that both partners' realities are acknowledged, allowing for a collaborative approach to conflict resolution. By embracing this strategy, couples foster deeper emotional intimacy and move toward a solution together.
How are your fighting skills? Most couples could use a LOT of work in this area, and I have just the person to help us! I’m thrilled to be joined by a great friend, Lindley Gentile, for today’s episode. She’s a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who recently wrote an ebook titled, How to Have the Best Fight of Your Life. Listen to our conversation about this thought-provoking topic and learn why looking for right and wrong is the WORST way to handle conflict.
Show Highlights:
Lindley’s motivation to write this book? Because many (most!) couples seek therapy around communication issues
Fighting well leads to being seen well.
The need to uplevel your fighting skill set beyond being “right or wrong”
Ways in which we are fighting wrong
Making the shift from arguing about who’s right to witnessing one another
The fable of the elephant can teach us about being open to another’s experience.
The value of “I” statements over “You” statements
Withdrawing physically and emotionally during conflict vs. the skill of asking for a pause
Fight, flight, or freeze
The WWC framework: witness, witness, and collaborate
Resources and Links:
Connect with Lindley Gentile and Austin Couples Concierge: Website, Instagram, and book
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