Episode 437: How To Stop Negative Cycles (Essential Listen)

Oct 3, 2025

In this engaging discussion, licensed marriage and family therapist Julie Menanno, author of Secure Love, shares her expertise on breaking negative cycles in relationships. She reveals how to spot unproductive arguments that signal deeper issues and discusses the power of vulnerability to foster empathy and connection. Julie highlights essential strategies like co-regulation and communication techniques to strengthen bonds. Listeners will learn how to identify common traps and effectively repair relationships when conflicts arise.

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INSIGHT

Small Issues Reveal Deep Cycles

Small, mundane questions (like dinner plans) can trigger deep negative cycles in relationships.
These fights often aren't about the surface issue but about underlying attachment triggers.

INSIGHT

Body Signals Reveal Triggers

Emotions live in the body and show as physical signals like chest tightness or stomach clench.
Recognizing these somatic cues helps partners notice triggers before they escalate into negative cycles.

ADVICE

Interrupt With Vulnerable Statements

Interrupt the negative cycle by vulnerably naming your fear or hurt and asking to start over.
Use statements like “I feel scared and disconnected; can we reset and try this differently?”

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Long-term partners often find themselves having the same fight over and over again. This repetitive, unproductive conflict is known as a negative cycle–and it can ultimately be very damaging to the relationship. So in today’s show, we’re going to discuss how to identify negative cycles in your own relationship, and how to break the pattern.

My guest is Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. She also provides insight and advice for couples at @TheSecureRelationship on Instagram, with over one million followers. Julie’s latest book is titled Secure Love: Create a Relationship that Lasts a Lifetime.

Some of the specific topics we explore include:

How do you know when an argument you’re having with a partner is reflective of a larger negative cycle?
What are some ways to use vulnerability to break out of a negative cycle?
What does co-regulation look like for couples trying to resolve an argument?
What are the most common traps that lead to negative cycles in the first place?
How can couples repair their relationship if a negative cycle sneaks in?

You can visit Julie’s website to learn more about her work.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.