How to Tackle Bad Behaviour (with Dr Becky Kennedy)
May 19, 2025
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Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of Good Inside and a mother of three, believes every child is "good inside" despite bad behavior. She discusses the importance of setting clear boundaries while understanding children's emotions. By allowing kids to express disappointment, sadness, or frustration, parents can help them build resilience. Dr. Kennedy shares playful strategies to nurture curiosity and emotional regulation, encouraging a more supportive and understanding parenting approach.
Parents should view children's challenging behaviors as signals of unmet needs, prompting understanding over reflexive punishment.
Establishing clear boundaries while validating children's feelings fosters trust and helps them navigate their emotions effectively.
Allowing children to experience discomfort is crucial for resilience, teaching them to manage various emotions rather than seeking immediate happiness.
Deep dives
The Flaws of Traditional Parenting Models
The traditional reward and punishment model of parenting is questioned, as it may not foster happy, healthy adults. Instead of viewing children's challenging behaviors as wrong, it's proposed that parents should consider these actions as signals indicating unmet needs or developmental challenges. For instance, when a child throws a tantrum or breaks rules, these behaviors should be interpreted as cues for what the child may lack or require. This approach encourages understanding and curiosity rather than reflexive punishment, allowing for better communication between parents and children.
The Dual Roles of Parents
Parents have two critical roles: setting boundaries and validating their children's feelings. Boundaries ensure safety and provide structure, while validation connects parents to their child's emotional experiences. For example, when a child is upset about having to leave playtime, acknowledging their feelings while still enforcing the boundary of leaving can foster trust. This balance cultivates resilience in children, helping them learn to navigate their emotions while respecting limits.
Promoting Emotional Resilience
The idea of allowing children to experience discomfort is highlighted as essential for developing resilience. Instead of rushing to eliminate their unhappiness, parents are encouraged to help children sit with their feelings, recognizing that discomfort is a part of life. For instance, when a child feels less capable compared to their peers, it is vital for parents to support them through those feelings rather than trying to quickly shift them to a happier state. This practice prepares children for future challenges by teaching them how to manage various emotions effectively.
Curiosity vs. Judgment
Curiosity is emphasized as a powerful tool in understanding children's behaviors and fostering positive change. Rather than reacting with judgment when children misbehave or face challenges, parents can reflect on their own feelings and reactions. For example, instead of criticizing a child for lying, a parent can explore the reasons behind that behavior, helping the child feel safe to share their truth. This shift from judgment to curiosity not only improves the parent-child relationship but sets an example for children on managing their own behaviors.
The Importance of Playfulness in Parenting
Integrating playfulness into parenting is presented as a way to improve interactions and reduce conflicts. Playfulness helps create a positive atmosphere where children feel motivated to respond to requests without defiance. An emphasis is placed on using humor and games, like turning chores into silly activities, to foster cooperation rather than resistance. This approach allows parents to maintain authority while cultivating a joyful and connected family environment.
Clinical psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy thinks every child is “good inside” even when they’re behaving badly. So to tackle tantrums or rule-breaking, she argues that parents must set clear boundaries for acceptable behaviour, but also seek to understand why their children are misbehaving.
If a child is acting "badly" because they are disappointed, sad, frustrated, jealous, or uncomfortable, then a parent's job is to help their kid deal with those feelings and build up more resilience to common emotions that they'll experience throughout life.
This series on parenting coincides with Dr Laurie's new free online class, The Science of Wellbeing for Parents which is available now at Coursera.org. You can sign up at drlauriesantos.com/parents.
