I Wish You Knew

Why Avoidant Men Struggle to Love (and How to Fix It)

Sep 30, 2025
Guest
Adam Lane Smith
Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist and coach, dives into why avoidant men struggle with emotional closeness. He discusses the 'cone of death' metaphor, illustrating how stress can hinder connection. Adam shares practical tools for couples, including breathing techniques and the importance of intentional validation. He delves into the chronic dissatisfaction avoidant men feel and how partners can foster a nurturing environment. Learn about shifting from stress to relaxation for improved intimacy and the role of authentic compliments in strengthening relationships.
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INSIGHT

Stress Blocks Bonding

  • Avoidant men's emotional shutdown often stems from chronic stress that makes physical touch feel abrasive.
  • Oxytocin receptors get blocked in 'work mode', preventing bonding until their nervous system calms.
ADVICE

Schedule And Use A Connection Switch

  • Mark consistent daily times for partner connection and accept her attempts to switch you out of stress mode.
  • Practice diaphragmatic breathing and tense-release to open oxytocin receptors and lower the cone of death.
ADVICE

Regulate Your Nervous System Daily

  • Regulate your nervous system regularly so you can step out of work mode and receive your partner.
  • Use breathing exercises, vagal stimulation, and short resets to lower cortisol and increase GABA.
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