232. “My husband gives me an allowance. I feel like a child.”

59 snips

Oct 28, 2025

A couple in Hawaii navigates financial tension amidst a $2 million net worth. Struggling with control and fear, the husband manages money tightly, making the wife feel infantilized. Their discussions reveal deep childhood influences on their spending habits and relationship roles. A desire for equal financial participation emerges, along with a plan for individual spending funds to alleviate permission-seeking stress. Can they transform their dynamic into a partnership where both voices are empowered? Their journey of trust-building and financial education unfolds.

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INSIGHT

Control Versus Perception Of Wealth

Edward controls the budget tightly due to deep fear from childhood scarcity despite high net worth.
Ellen feels like a child asking permission and that dynamic creates guilt and avoidance around money.

ANECDOTE

The $8,000 Home Birth Decision

Ellen asked Edward to support a home birth costing about $8,000 and he deferred the decision to her.
She still felt guilty and called herself selfish before deciding to go ahead with the home birth.

INSIGHT

Structure Creates Financial Power Dynamics

The problem is structural, not purely moral: bad setup makes small purchases contentious.
A budgeting system that forces permission creates inequity and emotional labor for one partner.

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Edward (38) and Ellen (30) live in Hawaii with their young daughter and a new baby on the way. With a net worth of over $2 million, their finances look strong on paper, but behind the scenes, their marriage is strained by control, fear, and trust issues around money.

Edward manages every dollar, while Ellen has to ask for “permission” to spend, even on basic everyday items. He believes tight control protects their future, making her feel more like a child than a partner. As Edward grapples with his deep fear of losing everything, Ellen wants to step into her own financial power. Can they learn to trust each other and build a partnership where both voices are heard, or will control and fear continue to drive their financial decisions?

In this episode we uncover:

• Why Ellen calls their financial dynamic “like asking my dad for permission”

• How Edward’s fear of poverty leads to hyper-control over their money

• Why Edward compares their finances to the top 1%

• Ellen’s $8,000 home birth decision

• How Ellen avoids learning their finances to sidestep arguments

• The emotional legacy of Edward’s childhood poverty and Ellen’s early financial security

• Their definition of a “traditional marriage”

• Why they fight about $20 face cream despite earning $28K/month

• The weight of Edward’s “provider” identity

• Their Hawaii “dream home” vs. the financial pressure it created

• Their shared craving for safety and control

• Ellen’s realization that she’s been playing financial defense instead of building real skills

• Edward’s hope to teach their daughter financial independence

Chapters:

(00:00:00) “It feels like I’m asking for permission”

(00:16:10) “I’m in charge of the budget”

(00:23:09) “I had just come into a million dollars”

(00:34:29) Ramit breaks down their numbers

(00:51:41) “I don’t think he trusts me at all”

(00:56:49) “I will never be poor again”

(01:07:01) “When do we get to live like we’re wealthy?”

(01:17:38) “I shrink myself to please him”

(01:39:10) Where are they now? Ellen and Edward’s follow-ups

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Links mentioned in this episode

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If you make good money but you haven’t taken a real vacation in years, I want to talk to you. I'm casting couples for a special episode of the podcast. Apply this week only at iwt.com/apply.