232. “My husband gives me an allowance. I feel like a child.”
Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi
Systemic Hoops: Permission and Punishment
Ramit diagnoses the couple's dynamic as structural: Ellen must ask permission and faces punitive consequences for overspending.
Edward (38) and Ellen (30) live in Hawaii with their young daughter and a new baby on the way. With a net worth of over $2 million, their finances look strong on paper, but behind the scenes, their marriage is strained by control, fear, and trust issues around money.
Edward manages every dollar, while Ellen has to ask for “permission” to spend, even on basic everyday items. He believes tight control protects their future, making her feel more like a child than a partner. As Edward grapples with his deep fear of losing everything, Ellen wants to step into her own financial power. Can they learn to trust each other and build a partnership where both voices are heard, or will control and fear continue to drive their financial decisions?
In this episode we uncover:
• Why Ellen calls their financial dynamic “like asking my dad for permission”
• How Edward’s fear of poverty leads to hyper-control over their money
• Why Edward compares their finances to the top 1%
• Ellen’s $8,000 home birth decision
• How Ellen avoids learning their finances to sidestep arguments
• The emotional legacy of Edward’s childhood poverty and Ellen’s early financial security
• Their definition of a “traditional marriage”
• Why they fight about $20 face cream despite earning $28K/month
• The weight of Edward’s “provider” identity
• Their Hawaii “dream home” vs. the financial pressure it created
• Their shared craving for safety and control
• Ellen’s realization that she’s been playing financial defense instead of building real skills
• Edward’s hope to teach their daughter financial independence
Chapters:
(00:00:00) “It feels like I’m asking for permission”
(00:16:10) “I’m in charge of the budget”
(00:23:09) “I had just come into a million dollars”
(00:34:29) Ramit breaks down their numbers
(00:51:41) “I don’t think he trusts me at all”
(00:56:49) “I will never be poor again”
(01:07:01) “When do we get to live like we’re wealthy?”
(01:17:38) “I shrink myself to please him”
(01:39:10) Where are they now? Ellen and Edward’s follow-ups
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Links mentioned in this episode
• If you want help with your finances, join my Money Coaching program at https://iwt.com/moneycoaching
Connect with Ramit
• Get my new book, Money For Couples
• Get Money Coaching with Ramit
• Download the Conscious Spending Plan
• Listen to my book—now on Audible
• Get my New York Times best-selling book
• YouTube
If you make good money but you haven’t taken a real vacation in years, I want to talk to you. I'm casting couples for a special episode of the podcast. Apply this week only at iwt.com/apply.
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