Amanda Ripley, a conflict expert and investigative journalist, shares invaluable insights on navigating healthy conflict. She explains how to diffuse high-conflict situations and emphasizes the importance of understanding shame responses for better resolutions. The conversation highlights the pitfalls of binary thinking in relationships and introduces practical strategies like the BIF approach for effective communication. By advocating for empathy and curiosity, Ripley provides a fresh perspective on resolving disagreements while maintaining personal integrity.
Understanding the difference between good and high conflict is essential for fostering personal growth and healthier relationships.
Emotional regulation and intention during conflict can significantly shift perspectives towards constructive outcomes and better communication.
Exploring underlying issues and practicing curiosity allows individuals to approach disagreements as opportunities for collaboration and deeper connection.
Deep dives
The Nature of Conflict
Conflict is portrayed as an essential aspect of human interaction, necessary for personal growth and understanding. It is discussed in terms of push-pull dynamics that help individuals connect while asserting their individuality. Good conflict is characterized by movement, opportunity, and constructive challenge, whereas high conflict is depicted as stagnant and divisive, often driven by moral superiority and defensiveness. The distinction between good and high conflict is crucial, as finding a way to cultivate healthy conflict can lead to stronger relationships and personal development.
Identifying High Conflict
High conflict is described as a harmful cycle that escalates tensions and distorts perceptions between individuals. It often manifests as chronic stress, contempt, and an ‘us versus them’ mentality, which cloud rational judgment and diminish the ability to see opportunities. The discussion emphasizes that resolving high conflict does not mean eliminating all conflict; rather, the goal is to transition into ‘good conflict’ which is productive and fosters understanding. Recognizing the patterns and characteristics of high conflict allows individuals to take proactive steps to mitigate its impact.
Emotional Regulation in Conflict
The importance of emotional regulation during conflict is reinforced as a key factor in achieving constructive outcomes. Strategies such as taking a break and participating in self-reflection can help defuse tensions and allow for a more thoughtful engagement. The conversation highlights the power of intention, where preparing to enter conflict with a goal of understanding rather than winning can shift perspectives. This awareness of emotional triggers aids in fostering deeper connections and healthier communication.
Understanding Understories
Exploring the concept of understories reveals that conflicts often stem from deeper, underlying issues such as respect, control, and care. Identifying these core issues allows individuals to address the true nature of their disagreements instead of getting lost in surface-level arguments. The insight that both parties may be struggling with their own narratives provides a path for empathy and understanding. These realizations encourage partners to approach conflicts not as battles to win, but as opportunities to collaborate and grow.
The Role of Curiosity and Communication
Curiosity emerges as a vital tool in navigating conflicts effectively, allowing individuals to ask questions and seek clarification rather than making assumptions. This approach transforms the conflict dynamic, as individuals shift from defensiveness to understanding by actively listening and acknowledging each other's feelings. Starting conversations with intention, like expressing vulnerability and framing issues in terms of personal feelings rather than accusations, can foster a collaborative environment. Ultimately, maintaining an open line of communication can lead to resolutions that reinforce connections rather than exacerbate conflicts.
351. How to Have *Healthy* Conflict with Amanda Ripley
Conflict expert and investigative journalist, Amanda Ripley, is back to give us a conflict resolution 101 guide and delve into some real-life examples from Abby and Glennon’s relationship.
Discover:
-The best way to diffuse a high-conflict person from going further;
-The binary thinking that makes fighting with a spouse feel so painful–plus, the antidote;
-How to disagree while still holding someone else’s perspective; and
-Why it’s important to know your shame responses in order to have better conflicts.
Amanda Ripley is an investigative journalist and author. Her most recent book is High Conflict, which chronicles how people get trapped by conflicts of all kinds—and how they get out. Her previous books include The Unthinkable, and The Smartest Kids in the World, a New York Times bestseller which was also turned into a documentary film.