398: How to raise confident & resilient kids in a world that can be depressing | Parenting expert Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.
Apr 29, 2022
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Parenting expert Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D., shares strategies for diffusing temper tantrums without yelling, motivating children to do the right thing, giving children autonomy, bolstering kids' mental health, and the importance of having caring adults in their lives.
Having a caring adult as a support system predicts children's health and well-being.
Involving children in family activities fosters a sense of belonging, cooperation, and purpose.
Deep dives
Parenting struggles and the journey to finding a better approach
The episode begins with Michaeline Duclath sharing her personal journey as a parent, discussing her daughter's challenging tantrums and her own feelings of frustration and helplessness. Despite trying various methods and seeking advice, she hits rock bottom and feels overwhelmed. However, a work trip to a Maya village in the Yucatan introduces her to a different approach to parenting that emphasizes calmness, cooperation, and minimizing conflict. This experience sparks Duclath's desire to learn more and adapt these practices with her daughter.
Understanding tantrums and effective strategies to handle them
In her travels to the Yucatan, the Arctic, and Tanzania, Duclath discovers a common approach to handling tantrums that differs from what she had previously tried. Instead of battling with the child, parents remain calm, using their own energy to diffuse the tantrums. This approach involves staying present with the child and avoiding leaving them alone. Additionally, parents in these communities rely on asking questions, offering consequences, and making children think about their actions and decisions in order to promote emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Building a cooperative and helpful family dynamic
Duclath observes that in many Western cultures, children and adults are often seen as separate, leading to children seeking constant entertainment and individual activities. However, in the communities she studied, children are active participants in family life, sharing responsibilities and contributing to the overall family functioning. By involving children in household chores and family activities, parents in these communities foster a sense of belonging, cooperation, and purpose. This approach not only promotes overall mental health but also instills valuable skills and values in children, such as empathy, teamwork, and self-sufficiency.
The importance of autonomy, connection, and emotional support
Another key insight gained from Duclath's experiences is the significance of autonomy, connection, and emotional support in child development. Parents in the communities she studied provide their children with autonomy, allowing them to make decisions and be part of the decision-making process. This helps build confidence, resilience, and a sense of responsibility. Moreover, close and supportive relationships with multiple adults benefit children's mental well-being. Feeling supported, children are better equipped to navigate stressors and build emotional intelligence. By shifting the focus from individual achievements to relationships and social connections, parents can promote overall happiness, resilience, and emotional well-being in their children.
Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.: “Having somebody there for you if something goes wrong is such a predictor of health.”
Doucleff, a parenting expert and New York Times bestselling author, joins mbg co-CEO, Jason Wachob, to discuss how to raise generous kids without nagging, plus:
- How to diffuse a temper tantrum without yelling (~03:26)
- How to actually motivate children to do the right thing (~15:17)
- How to really give your children autonomy (~21:54)
- The best ways to bolster kids' mental health (~24:49)
- Why kids should have at least one other caring adult in their lives (~27:03)
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