Mollie West Duffy, an expert in organizational design and co-author of "Big Feelings," discusses the complexities of self-comparison. She reveals that comparing ourselves to others can actually foster growth and happiness, challenging the common belief that we should avoid it. Mollie advocates for curating social media to promote positive comparisons and emphasizes the power of community in personal development. She also explores envy, suggesting we reframe it as motivation while highlighting the importance of emotional support through life’s challenges.
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insights INSIGHT
Comparison is Natural
Comparison is a natural human tendency, driven by envy and sometimes jealousy.
We compare ourselves to others to assess our self-worth, like monkeys judging their food portions.
insights INSIGHT
Compare Wisely
The issue isn't comparison itself, but comparing our weaknesses to others' strengths.
Comparing ourselves more broadly, including those less advanced, can make goals feel attainable.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Broaden Your Baseline
Set a broader baseline for comparison.
Don't just compare yourself to experts; include beginners to stay motivated.
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This book offers strategies for effectively expressing emotions at work, improving productivity and well-being. It explores how to balance authenticity with professionalism, providing practical advice on managing emotions in the modern workplace.
Big Feelings
Mollie West Duffy
Liz Fosslien
Big Feelings offers an insightful and approachable guide to managing complex emotions. The book explores feelings such as uncertainty, comparison, anger, burnout, and perfectionism, providing practical strategies to turn overwhelming emotions into manageable ones. It combines surprising science with personal stories and original illustrations to help readers understand and navigate their emotions more effectively.
Mollie West Duffy: Big Feelings
Mollie West Duffy is an expert in organizational design, development, and leadership coaching. She previously was an organizational design lead at global innovation firm IDEO. She’s helped advise and coach leaders and founders at companies including Casper, Google, LinkedIn, Bungalow, and Slack. She’s experienced in designing talent processes and systems, as well as organizational structures and behaviors, cultural values, and learning and development programs.
She's written for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Entrepreneur, Quartz, and other digital outlets. She co-founded the Capital Good Fund, Rhode Island's first microfinance fund. She is the co-author with Liz Fosslien of the Wall Street Journal bestseller No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work and now their second book Big Feelings: How To Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay*.
We’ve all heard the well-intended advice that we should not compare ourselves to others. In this conversation, Mollie and I explore why that's almost impossible to do and how we can cooperate a bit more with the inevitable and make our comparisons more useful. We highlight some of the key ways that comparison can help us and where leaning in may actually be useful in your own happiness and development.
Key Points
It’s a myth that the less you compare yourself to others, the better. Often, the opposite is true: we don’t compare ourselves enough.
We tend to compare our weaknesses to other people's strengths. Finding ways to curate our inputs is often much more useful.
Shifting from malicious envy to benign envy is helpful. Thoughts such as “I’m inspired by what they’ve done…” or “I haven’t done what they’ve done…yet,” can move us to a healthier place.
We see the best of people on social media. It’s helpful to piece together the missing footage by comparing some of the nitty gritty.
Compare present you against past you.
Resources Mentioned
Big Feelings: How To Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay* by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy
How to Manage Your Anger at Work by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy
Interview Notes
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Related Episodes
Four Steps to Get Unstuck and Embrace Change, with Susan David (episode 297)
What to Do With Your Feelings, with Lori Gottlieb (episode 438)
How to Reduce Burnout, with Jennifer Moss (episode 561)
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