Let's Talk EMDR The Pressure to Be Nice: Women, Boundaries, and EMDR Therapy
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Jun 1, 2025 Katie Quinlan, an EMDRIA Certified Therapist and Consultant, delves into the societal pressures women face to be 'nice' and how this impacts therapy. She discusses the tension between being polite and setting boundaries, emphasizing the importance of assertiveness in healing from trauma. The conversation also touches on the significance of understanding personal limits, and the balance between kindness and honesty in therapeutic settings. Quinlan encourages therapists to foster authenticity over superficial niceness to better support their clients.
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Niceness As A Survival Adaptation
- Cultural pressure to be "nice" trains many women to prioritize appearing pleasant over authentic feelings.
- Katie Quinlan links this adaptation to survival in family systems and to ongoing trauma reinforcement.
Client Who Smiles While Minimizing Pain
- Katie describes "Marie," who minimized her own abuse while crying and smiling in session.
- The therapist gently recontracted and invited Marie to consider safety to explore her experience authentically.
Letting Go Of Overcommitment
- "Ella" was exhausted from over-functioning and couldn't refuse substitute teaching obligations.
- Reprocessing her domestic-violence history helped her finally remove her name from the list.
