Brené with Esther Perel on Partnerships, Patterns, and Paradoxical Relationships
Sep 22, 2021
01:16:15
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Psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses relationship patterns in lockdown, embracing paradoxical truths. They explore vulnerability, agency, and the complexities of love and desire. The hosts share personal insights on bravery, fears, and favorite experiences, highlighting the profound impact of music on relationships.
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Quick takeaways
Embrace uncertainty and paradox in relationships for deeper connections.
Utilize storytelling to transmit values, create meaning, and foster connection in relationships.
Recognize the paradoxical nature of parenting and avoid splitting ambivalence in relationships.
Deep dives
Understanding the complexities of modern relationships
Estere Parral, a psychotherapist and bestselling author, specializes in helping people navigate the complexities of modern relationships. She emphasizes that our expectations of relationships have intensified in recent times as traditional structures have shifted, and people seek meaning, grounding, and transcendence in their relationships, including romantic, family, and workplace relationships.
Embracing uncertainty and paradox
The pandemic has brought uncertainty to the forefront of relationships, challenging individuals' need for certainty. Parral highlights the importance of embracing uncertainty and paradox in relationships. She explains that relationships thrive when there is space for vulnerability, open dialogue, and the ability to say, 'I don't know.' This shift allows for a deeper connection as both partners can explore and navigate uncertainty together.
The power of storytelling and reframing
Parral emphasizes the power of storytelling in relationships and how it can create continuity and meaning. Stories help transmit values, bind communities, and foster connection. Additionally, Parral highlights the importance of reframing our stories, challenging comparative suffering, and embracing vulnerability. Reframing allows us to approach our own struggles with compassion and extend the same compassion to others who may have different experiences.
The Power of Silence and Collective Resilience
The podcast discusses the power of silence in protecting oneself. Some parents choose not to speak about traumatic experiences out of a desire to protect their children or to avoid reliving their trauma. Others may feel shame or fear that their experiences are unimaginable and won't be believed. Additionally, the podcast highlights the concept of collective resilience, where survivors of similar experiences come together in a familiar setting to share a sense of understanding and remembrance, without explicitly discussing their traumas.
The Paradox of Parenting and Splitting the Ambivalence
The podcast explores the paradoxical nature of parenting, particularly when it comes to comparison and competition. Some parents try to shield their children from the hardships they faced, but later chastise them for perceived laziness or entitlement. This dynamic creates a split in the ambivalence of parents, where they simultaneously want their children to have it easier than them but also feel compelled to push them harder. The podcast also discusses how splitting the ambivalence can occur in relationships, polarizing opposing desires and preventing individuals from reconciling them within themselves.
I’m talking to Esther Perel, psychotherapist, New York Times bestselling author, and podcaster, about relationships in the pandemic and beyond. She blew my mind around some patterns that Steve and I have discovered over the past months in lockdown. We also talk a lot about paradox and straddling the tension of two competing ideas that can both be true. It’s maddening and inspiring. And you’ll hear in real time how I’m wowed, impressed, and completely Esther Perel-ed before it’s all over.