#332: Why Couples Really Fight with Figs O’Sullivan
Dec 18, 2023
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Figs O'Sullivan, LMFT specializing in Attachment Theory, Systems Theory, and Transformational Experiences, discusses how understanding insecurities and fears drive people's actions is fundamental in relationships. He emphasizes the importance of studying one's own emotional responses and vulnerabilities to attract an emotionally evolved partner and fight less. The podcast explores topics such as perception in relationships, regulating the nervous system with breathwork, dynamics of misinterpretation, fear of couples counseling, knowing when to stop talking, and the impact of primary attachment on relationships.
Relationship issues are often a result of the system both partners create together.
Deeply exploring and understanding each other's emotions is crucial for authentic connections.
Delaying hasty decisions and immersing oneself in the present moment allows for compassionate decision-making in relationships.
Deep dives
The importance of understanding the system in a relationship
In a relationship, the problems that arise are often not an individual's fault, but a result of the system that both partners create together. It is crucial to recognize that relationship issues are not a reflection of personal shortcomings, but rather a result of both individuals feeling hurt and threatened when they can't connect with each other. Both partners may unknowingly exacerbate the disconnection by using unproductive strategies to seek connection. It is essential to understand the dynamics of the system and the impact of certain behaviors on both individuals to effectively address relationship problems.
Exploring the deep emotional experiences in a relationship
In order to navigate challenging moments in a relationship, it is important to delve deeply into the emotional experiences of both partners. By acknowledging and understanding each person's vulnerable feelings and difficult thoughts, couples can gain insight into the emotional system that drives their interactions. This process involves actively listening to each other's perspectives without immediately seeking solutions. It is crucial to create a safe space where both partners can fully express their emotions and be affected by each other's experiences. This deep exploration of emotions allows for authentic connections and paves the way for organic, meaningful decisions.
Delaying decisions and focusing on the present experience
When faced with relationship challenges, it is beneficial to delay making hasty decisions and instead focus on fully experiencing and understanding the present moment. This involves setting aside the question of what to do and immersing oneself in the emotions and dynamics of the relationship. By connecting deeply with oneself and the partner, individuals can gain clarity and make decisions that are rooted in empathy and compassion. It is crucial to create a space where both partners can explore their feelings, listen to each other, and appreciate the depth of their shared experience before making any decisions about the future.
Understanding the Importance of Emotional Connection in Relationships
In this podcast episode, the speaker emphasizes the significance of emotional connection in relationships. The focus is on recognizing the deep sadness that comes from realizing our need for each other. The speaker discusses the importance of staying connected and not seeking an escape route or asking 'what's next?' The goal is to help individuals understand that being emotionally present and connected to their partner is essential for healing past wounds and fostering a stronger relationship.
Challenging Traditional Approaches to Relationship Issues
The podcast delves into the root of relational problems and suggests diverging from traditional approaches. The speaker encourages individuals to study three key aspects: their own attachment style, their own vulnerabilities, and the system they co-created with their partner. By gaining a deeper understanding of these elements, individuals can grow emotionally and enter new relationships fully aware of themselves and their own needs. The emphasis is on becoming an expert in one's own relational patterns to attract healthier, more emotionally evolved partners.
In this episode, I have the pleasure of interviewing LMFT Figs O’Sullivan. In his practice, Figs focuses on three pillars for relationship work: Attachment Theory, Systems Theory, and Transformational Experiences. Figs teaches us that understanding that people's actions are driven by their own insecurities and fears is fundamental. Instead of fixating on the flaws of our partner/ex-partner, it's more beneficial to study one's own emotional responses and vulnerabilities and how to feel our feelings better. By becoming an expert on oneself and the system, one can be and attract a more emotionally evolved partner, and fight less! So many gems in this episode - dive in!
Fiachra "Figs'' O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, certified in Emotionally-Focused Therapy, and the founder of Empathi. He strives to interact with his clients as fellow travelers on life’s journey, allowing them to easily dive deeper into their “stuff” with his down-to-earth philosophy. Figs has spent years working with frustrated couples at a crossroads in their relationship—they want to make things work but are stuck in what Figs calls their “Waltz of Pain”—which is what led him to create Empathi! Inspired by attachment theory, improvisational dance and theater, experiential psychotherapy, and EFT, Empathi provides fun, effective, and simple solutions to help couples stop fighting and snuggle more.
—Website: https://empathi.com
—Empathi Quiz for Couples: https://empathi.com/quiz/
—Empathi Courses: https://get.empathi.com/
—YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Empathinow
—Media Page: https://empathi.com/figs-osullivan
Themes: Relationships, Boundaries, Self-Worth, Self-Love, Codependency, Dating, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Grief, Communication, Psychology
0:00:00 Intro
0:04:11 Who’s the problem in the relationship?
0:08:10 How communication can be threatening
0:11:30 Three Pillars for Relationship Work: Attachment Theory, Systems Theory, and Transformational Experiences
0:18:46 The reason people get together
0:28:21 Confronted with grief - now what?
0:28:55 Changing perspective
0:37:12 Importance of using attachment theory responsibly
0:40:14 Tips for a successful relationship
0:43:37 Counterintuitive concepts in self-development and attachment theory
0:48:12 The line between personal boundaries and relationship deal-breakers
0:54:21 Opening up about feelings and concerns
1:03:08 The Complexity of Attachment and Relationships
1:06:47 The Pain of Disappointing a Loved One
1:10:16 Helping People Feel Their Feelings Better
1:13:16 Becoming an Expert for Future Relationships
This episode is sponsored by:
—Open: Get 30 days free by visiting https://withopen.com/CREATETHELOVE
—Organifi: Use code CREATETHELOVE for 20% off sitewide at http://www.organifi.com/createthelove
Contact us at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, or just to say hello!
