Calming Our Reactivity to Children's Irritating, Demanding Behaviors
Aug 25, 2020
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Addressing a parent's struggle with constant demands for attention from their children, offering strategies to respond without amplifying the behaviors. Exploring the significance of self-compassion for parents, challenging perfect parenting and discussing how self-judgment contributes to anger and frustration. Sharing experiences in observing and engaging with young children, emphasizing the importance of recognizing them as individuals and staying calm amidst disruptions. Discussing the importance of finding a balance in parenting, attuning to children's needs while maintaining one's own separateness, and providing practical tips for buffering oneself.
19:41
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Quick takeaways
Practicing self-compassion and avoiding judgment is crucial for parents to navigate the challenges of parenting without feeling overwhelmed.
Understanding that repetitive behaviors in children are common and not a reflection of parenting skills can help parents manage their reactions and reduce frustration.
Deep dives
Parent's Self-Compassion - Avoiding the 'Right or Wrong' Mentality
This podcast episode addresses a parent's concern about her daughters constantly calling her name, and explores the importance of self-compassion for parents. The host emphasizes the need to avoid the 'right or wrong' mentality, as parenting is a continuous learning process. The parent is encouraged not to judge herself and to practice self-compassion, especially during stressful times. By recognizing that no parent is perfect and that misresponses are normal, the parent can reduce feelings of frustration and overwhelm.
Understanding Repetitive Behaviors and Whining
The podcast discusses how repetitive behaviors, such as repeatedly calling for attention or whining, are common in children and can be unpleasant for parents. The host highlights that these behaviors are often a part of typical child development and not a reflection of the parent's actions. By understanding that these behaviors are global and prevalent among children, parents can manage their own reactions and reduce feelings of annoyance and anger.
Finding Balance and Holding Boundaries
The podcast explores the concept of being over-attuned as a parent, meaning being excessively responsive to every demand or call from the child. The host advises parents to find balance by holding emotional boundaries and creating buffers. This involves responding to children's needs at their own pace and taking time to center oneself before reacting. By holding their own center, parents can avoid getting worn out, react less, and gradually break the cycle of repetitive behaviors.
A parent writes that she’s overwhelmed by her two girls constantly demanding her attention, following her around their home and calling “Mommy! Mommy!” even if they are in the same room. “It’s driving me mad,” she writes. “It’s like a dripping tap. It is getting to the point where I just want to scream.” This mom notices that the girls don’t have this dynamic with their father. In fact, even if he is sitting beside them and she is in another room, they still call to her. Understandably, she feels drained and wonders if Janet can tell her what she’s doing wrong.
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