Episode Summary 05: How to Enforce Boundaries When Someone Doesn’t Respect Them

You've told your parents you're not available during work hours. They keep calling anyway.   You've asked them not to comment on your weight. They bring it up again on the next visit.   You've said no to those random Amazon gifts. Another package arrives at your door.   Many parents know how to set boundaries, but get stuck when someone won't respect them. In this summary episode, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab shares practical strategies for enforcing boundaries when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss them.   You'll learn about

• the "fire extinguisher method" for stopping uncomfortable conversations before they spiral
• how to embody your boundaries through your actions (not just your words)
• how to navigate the especially tricky situation where you rely on someone for childcare but they won't respect your limits.

  Nedra also discusses her new children's book and works through real scenarios about unwanted gifts, body-shaming comments, and what to do when setting a boundary means potentially losing support you need.   This conversation gets honest about the hard choices enforcing boundaries sometimes requires. Can you really maintain a boundary with someone you depend on? What do you do when the person provides childcare for you?   Nedra offers a clear framework for deciding when to stand firm, how to take action when words aren't working, and why allowing people to be upset with you is part of the process.  

Questions this episode will answer

How do you deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? Enforce the boundary through your behavior, not just your words. If someone keeps calling during work hours after you've asked them not to, don't answer the phone. If they bring unwanted gifts, donate them immediately or return them to the gift-giver. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do.   Why is setting boundaries so hard? We often learned in our families of origin that setting boundaries leads to rejection or anger. We worry about people being mad at us, the relationship ending, or being seen as selfish. These fears come from early experiences where our caregivers responded poorly when we tried to express our needs and boundaries.   How do you enforce boundaries when words aren't working? Use behavioral enforcement. Stop answering calls during the times you've said you're unavailable. Use the "fire extinguisher method" to interrupt conversations the moment they start heading toward topics you've said are off-limits. Show through your actions that you meant what you said.   What is the fire extinguisher method for boundaries? Jump in to stop conversations before they get going, the way you'd use a fire extinguisher on a small flame before it spreads. When someone starts bringing up a topic you've clearly said you won't discuss, interrupt them immediately: "I know where this is going, and I don’t want to talk about it.”   Why do people get upset when you set boundaries? Some people are used to being able to say or do whatever they want in the relationship. Your boundary ‘brushes up against’ their expectation of having full access to you or being able to speak freely. They may also genuinely believe you need to hear what they have to say.   Should you be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries? This depends on the severity of the violation and your level of dependence. If someone provides childcare but also body shames you, you may need to find alternative childcare to truly maintain the boundary. Sometimes you have to choose between the support someone offers and having your boundaries respected. You might accept that certain behaviors come as part of the "package," or you might want to reduce your reliance on that person.   Is setting boundaries selfish? Other people may call you selfish when you set boundaries because your limits inconvenience them or challenge their expectations. But protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn't selfish. Your emotional regulation is not someone else's responsibility, and their emotional regulation is not yours.   What do you do when you rely on someone who won't respect your boundaries? You have to decide whether you can accept that certain boundary violations come with the support they provide, or whether you want to explore other options. This might mean finding alternative childcare, reducing financial dependence, or building a "chosen family" support system.   How do you enforce firm boundaries without cutting people out of your life? You can maintain a relationship while still enforcing boundaries through your behavior. Don't answer calls during work hours even if they keep calling. Stop conversations immediately when they head toward off-limit topics. Return unwanted gifts. You're not ending the relationship - you're defining how it works.   What does boundaries versus control mean? Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling what someone else does. Telling someone "don't call me during work" is actually trying to control their behavior. The boundary is: "I won't answer calls during work hours." The distinction matters because you can only control yourself.  

What you'll learn in this episode

• Why enforcing boundaries requires behavioral changes, not just verbal statements
• How to use the "fire extinguisher method" to stop conversations that cross your boundaries
• What to do when someone keeps calling, texting, or contacting you after you've asked them not to
• Specific strategies for handling unwanted gifts from family members without adding to your mental load
• How to respond when parents or in-laws make repeated comments about your body, parenting, or life choices
• Why "allowing people to be upset with you" is a necessary part of maintaining boundaries
• When you might want to choose between receiving support and having your boundaries respected
• How to know if you should accept boundary violations as part of a "package deal" with childcare or other help
• Ways to build alternative support systems when family won't respect your limits
• The difference between boundaries (what you control) and attempts to control others' behavior
• How to help kids understand boundaries around physical touch and when you need space
• What to say to children who want immediate attention when you're not available

 

Nedra Glover Tawwab's website:

nedratawab.com   Jump to highlights: 01:34 Introduction of today’s guest and today’s topic 04:14 An open invitation to the Black Friday sale coming up in late November 05:03 What is a boundary? 05:25 What’s the difference between a boundary and a limit? 07:34 How does Nedra handle situations when someone keeps ignoring boundaries you've set, even after you've clearly explained why they matter? 16:20 Nedra says, “If we set boundaries for people, we want them to change.” 19:01 Jen and Nedra talk about how to set boundaries when it comes to their children 21:30 Nedra shares about her new children’s book, “What Makes You Happy” 23:59 Wrapping up 24:54 Jen tells where to connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab to access her books, quizzes, and other boundary-setting tools