1703: [Part 1] When Your Partner Isn't Sure They Want a Future With You by Tonya Lester
Apr 1, 2023
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Tonya Lester, a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, NY, discusses what to do when your partner isn't sure they want a future with you. She reflects on challenges of commitment, being treated unfairly, and making sacrifices without resolution in relationships.
Don't wait to be someone's top priority in a relationship, as inconsistent behavior and insecurity indicate no future with that person.
Understanding one's attachment style can reveal patterns of behavior and decision-making in relationships.
Deep dives
Valuable Lesson from Childhood
The author shares a valuable lesson her father taught her in childhood, which is to never wait to be in someone's top spot. This lesson influenced her decision to end a relationship in her twenties with a person who showed inconsistent behavior, leaving her insecure and obsessing over the relationship. She realized that there was no future with this person, which ultimately proved to be a bullet dodged.
Dealing with Commitment-Avoidant Partners
The podcast discusses a common scenario where one partner is ready for marriage and children while the other partner is not ready to move forward. The patient partner may initially be patient and sympathetic, but as time passes, frustration grows and they question whether to stay or leave. The situation becomes more complicated when the commitment-avoidant partner asks for more time, leading to vacillation between rage and panic for the patient partner. The question of whether to stay or go becomes increasingly difficult to answer.
The Influence of Early Experiences
The podcast highlights the influence of early experiences and relationships on a person's attachment style. It explains that if parents were not reliable or if early romantic relationships were unsatisfying, individuals may develop insecure attachment styles. Some may feel that any relationship, regardless of satisfaction, is better than being alone, while others may feel lucky to receive any attention and may be hesitant to demand more. Understanding one's attachment style can provide insight into patterns of behavior and decision-making in relationships.
Tonya Lester talks about what to do when your partner isn't sure they want a future with you. This is part 1 of 2.
Episode 1703: [Part 1] When Your Partner Isn't Sure They Want a Future With You by Tonya Lester
Tonya Lester, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, NY. She graduated from New York University with a Master's degree in Social Work. Her post-graduate training includes a fellowship at Psychoanalytic Theory at the Institute for Psychoanalytic Theory and Research (IPTAR) and supervised practice in Psychodynamic Therapy under Drs. C.E. Robins and John Broughton. She completed training in IFS with Dick Schwartz, Nancy Sowell, and Pam Krause. Her training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) was with John Forsyth, Ph.D. She studied RLT with its creator, Terry Real.