#739 - Dr Robert Glover - The Lifetime Problem With Being A “Nice Guy”
Feb 1, 2024
auto_awesome
In this engaging discussion, Dr. Robert Glover, a therapist and author specializing in men's issues, tackles the complexities of Nice Guy Syndrome. He uncovers how societal pressures lead to people-pleasing behaviors and the resentment that often follows. The conversation reveals the emotional struggles nice guys face in relationships, emphasizing the importance of authenticity over superficiality. Glover also highlights the significance of community support and men's groups in fostering genuine connections and personal growth, making a strong case for prioritizing self-care.
Being a Nice Guy involves trying to meet others' expectations, seeking approval, and hiding one's needs, wants, and sexuality.
Nice Guys often have unspoken and unconscious agreements, known as covert contracts, with the world.
Nice Guys often fear success because it brings increased expectations, visibility, and potential attack.
The solution for Nice Guys is not to adopt toxic behaviors or become bad guys, but to embrace authenticity and self-validation.
Nice Guys should seek out safe people such as coaches, therapists, or men's groups to start the process of rehabilitation.
Deep dives
The Problem with Being a Nice Guy
Being a Nice Guy involves trying to meet others' expectations, seeking approval, and hiding one's needs, wants, and sexuality. This stems from an inaccurate belief that one is not okay as they are. Nice Guys often lack authenticity and struggle with being untrustworthy, frustrated, resentful, and passive-aggressive. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys are often untruthful to themselves and others. This prevents them from living up to their full potential and pursuing their own desires and happiness.
The Covert Contracts of Nice Guys
Nice Guys often have unspoken and unconscious agreements, known as covert contracts, with the world. These contracts are manipulative and have strings attached. The three main covert contracts involve seeking validation in exchange for being nice, trying to meet others' needs without them having to ask in hopes of reciprocation, and following the rules in order to have a problem-free life. These covert contracts lead to resentment and feelings of frustration when they are not fulfilled, but remain largely hidden from others.
The Fear of Success and the Fear of Receiving
Nice Guys often fear success because it brings increased expectations, visibility, and potential attack. This fear of success can lead to a reluctance to fully pursue one's goals and potential. Additionally, Nice Guys struggle with receiving because they believe that having needs and accepting help puts them at risk, makes them vulnerable, and creates debts they owe to others. Changing this mindset and learning to receive without feeling indebted or vulnerable is a conscious practice for Nice Guys.
Embracing Authenticity and Self-Validation
The solution for Nice Guys is not to adopt toxic behaviors or become bad guys, but to embrace authenticity and self-validation. By being comfortable in their own skin, living according to their own values, and following their passion and purpose, Nice Guys become attractive to others. Seeking their own approval and validation, rather than constantly seeking the approval of others, allows them to live a fulfilling and meaningful life.
Importance of Finding Safe People
To start the process of rehabilitation, Nice Guys should seek out safe people such as coaches, therapists, or men's groups. These individuals can provide support, guidance, and a space to release toxic shame and share honest experiences.
Working on Honesty and Authenticity
Nice Guys should focus on being open and honest about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This means being true to themselves and expressing their needs and desires without fear or shame.
Making Needs a Priority
Nice Guys should learn to prioritize their own needs and take care of themselves. This involves identifying their personal needs and finding healthy ways to fulfill them, while also allowing others to support them in this process.
Establishing Boundaries
Learning about boundaries is crucial for Nice Guys. They need to develop the ability to set and communicate their personal boundaries, ensuring that their limits, values, and expectations are respected in all areas of life.
Building Connections with Men
Nice Guys should actively seek and cultivate relationships with other men. Connecting with a supportive tribe of male friends or joining a men's program provides a valuable space for personal growth, shared experiences, and accountability.
Dr Robert Glover is a therapist, coach and an author.
Being nice is something many of us aspire to become. After all, who doesn't want to be nice? Well Nice Guy Syndrome has been ruining the lives of many men for decades, so perhaps we should aspire to be something else.
Expect to learn what is actually wrong with being a nice guy, why men become so afraid of putting their needs first, how to stop people pleasing, why nice guys end up resentful and bitter, whether nice guys attract or repel women and much more...
Get a 20% off all Momentous orders and up to 32% off new customer subscriptions at https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom (automatically applied at checkout)
