Elizabeth Earnshaw, a couples therapist and author specializing in stress management in relationships, discusses the often overlooked impact of stress on intimacy. She explores the concept of nervous system co-regulation to improve partner support during tough times. Listeners learn about John Gottman's 'Four Horsemen' and how awareness is key to change. Earnshaw emphasizes intentional sacrifices and structural adjustments to reduce stress, while advocating for open communication and empathy as vital tools for nurturing healthier, more resilient relationships.
Recognizing stress as a common adversary in relationships allows couples to collaborate on solutions rather than blaming each other.
Effective communication about stressors fosters empathy and understanding, creating a supportive environment that strengthens the relationship.
Addressing structural changes and differentiating between controllable and uncontrollable stressors encourages couples to make intentional sacrifices for their well-being.
Deep dives
The Prevalence of Stress in Relationships
Stress is identified as a major underlying factor contributing to relationship difficulties, often overlooked in the context of managing emotions and conflicts. Elizabeth Earnshaw, a couples therapist, shares her observations of how personal experiences and therapy sessions highlighted the impact of stress on couples. The significant stresses experienced during the pandemic intensified this issue, revealing that many couples who seemed functional were actually grappling with accumulated stressors. By recognizing stress as a common adversary rather than placing blame on each other, couples can better understand their dynamics and work collaboratively toward solutions.
Understanding and Managing Stress
Stress manifests physically and emotionally, affecting communication and connection in relationships. It can stem from external pressures like work or family responsibilities, as well as internal relational conflicts. When stress levels exceed an individual's self-regulation capabilities, it leads to physiological changes that hinder effective interaction and emotional support. Consequently, couples are encouraged to identify their stress triggers and recognize their physiological responses in order to develop healthier coping strategies and communication methods.
The Importance of Co-Regulation
In stressful moments, individuals often react defensively, which can escalate conflicts within a relationship. The concept of co-regulation emphasizes the need for partners to support each other's emotional states rather than exacerbate them. By enhancing self-awareness and managing one's own stress responses, an individual can create an environment that fosters empathy and understanding. This process involves taking deliberate steps to soothe oneself in moments of distress, allowing for a more constructive dialogue to unfold rather than a cycle of blame and reactivity.
The Role of Awareness and Communication
Raising awareness about stress within a relationship and openly communicating these stressors can significantly improve the dynamic between partners. By using concrete language to express feelings of stress, couples can foster an environment of support, reducing individual burdens. Recognizing stress as an external factor influencing behavior helps shift the narrative from personal attacks to mutual understanding. This approach not only facilitates empathy but also creates a collaborative mindset for couples to approach shared challenges together.
Structural Changes and Intentional Sacrifices
Beyond individual regulation, couples must also confront structural changes that may alleviate stress within their relationships. Identifying control versus uncontrollable stressors allows partners to strategize about changes they can realistically implement together. Often, this requires intentional sacrifices, such as delegating responsibilities or setting boundaries to improve overall well-being. By aligning their priorities and communicating openly about necessary adjustments, couples can cultivate a healthier environment for their relationship to thrive.
What if the problem in your relationship isn’t you or your partner but the mountain of stress you’re both dealing with? It's a no-brainer to say that too much stress kills intimacy, but what do we really mean when we say “stress”? And what can we actually do about it? In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with couples therapist and author Elizabeth Earnshaw about her new book, ’Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our Relationships.
Give a listen for a wealth of actionable insights and wise approaches to navigate and manage the stressors in your relationship, including how to comfort a partner under stress; the art of nervous system co-regulation; awareness: the prerequisite for change; learning the signs of dysregulation and how to self-soothe; Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt; stress as a physiological cycle; step one: identify your own stressors; the narrative of a gap between who you are and who you want to be; intentional sacrifice; making structural changes that make life less stressful; discernment around what we can and cannot control; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
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