E233: Our Most Viral Tips (That Actually Changed People’s Sex Lives)

Nov 6, 2025

Discover the 'F*** First Rule' to prioritize connection early in your day. Uncover the 'Bristle Reaction' and learn to enhance non-sexual touch for intimacy. Explore desire types—spontaneous vs. responsive—to tackle mismatched libidos effectively. Hear about the nightly makeout ritual that rekindles affection without pressure. Plus, address the emotional-physical conundrum that affects many couples, and why 'boring' sex is more about context than libido. This is your ultimate guide to elevating your sex life!

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Transcript

Episode notes

ADVICE

Fuck First: Prioritize Intimacy

Prioritize sex earlier in the day instead of leaving it as the last task of the night.
Treat sex as valuable and schedule or protect it from screens and exhaustion.

INSIGHT

Tech Often Beats Your Sex Life

Screens and passive entertainment often displace intimacy even when we value it more.
A simple rule like “no screens before sex” can reorient priorities and increase connection.

INSIGHT

Why You Flinch At Partner Touch

The "Bristle Reaction" is a bodily recoil when touch is perceived as an initiation for sex.
It often stems from vague, roundabout initiation and too little non-sexual touch in relationships.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

Whether you’ve been with us from the start or just found the podcast, this episode is basically a cheat sheet for a better sex life.

We pulled together the best of the best from hundreds of episodes — the tips, tools, and “aha” moments that have completely transformed our community’s sex lives. From the rule that saved our date nights to the mindset shifts that made intimacy feel easy again, we’re revisiting the advice that started it all.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why the “F*** First Rule” might be the simplest way to rekindle connection.
What the Bristle Reaction really means and how to retrain your body to want touch again.
How to figure out your desire type (and why that might finally solve your mismatched libido issue).
The sneaky reason your sex life might feel “meh” and how to make it worth craving again.
Honorable mentions like the First Pancake Rule, scheduling sex, and other hot takes we might just turn into full episodes soon. 👀

If you’ve ever thought, “Where do I even start?” when it comes to improving your sex life… start here.

Go deeper 💞 Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 - Intro

04:05 F*ck First Rule

18:42 Bristle Reaction

26:03 We make out every night

32:42 Two Types of Desire

40:15 Emotional Physical Conundrum

50:00 Mushy Broccoli Problem

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off.And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎https://blissy.com/pillowpod

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices