Dr. Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor, joins the conversation to explore the realm of taboo sexual fantasies. He helps a listener, "Fed Up With Fantasy," grappling with intense and shameful thoughts. They discuss how dark fantasies can reveal hidden aspects of identity and the complexities of sharing them in relationships. The importance of open communication is emphasized, along with strategies to enhance intimacy. Dr. Kerner also highlights the role of therapy in managing guilt and anxiety surrounding these fantasies.
Taboo sexual fantasies often reveal underlying themes of intimacy and power dynamics, highlighting the need for understanding rather than shame.
Effective communication about fantasies with partners fosters emotional connection and can enhance mutual understanding and sexual excitement.
Deep dives
Exploring the Complexity of Sexual Fantasies
Sexual fantasies can be a source of both intrigue and discomfort, revealing deeper aspects of our desires and experiences. The discussion highlights how fantasies, even those that may seem taboo or uncomfortable, often emerge from a person's subconscious and reflect their complex feelings about intimacy and power dynamics. The example of Cheryl's Super Bowl fantasy illustrates the conflicting emotions tied to such imaginings, as they can evoke feelings of shame while simultaneously engaging one's fantasies as a conduit for exploring personal identity. Understanding that these fantasies are not inherently negative but rather an extension of human sexuality is crucial in reframing how one perceives them.
The Role of Shame and Acceptance
The letter from 'Fed Up with Fantasy' encapsulates the struggle between personal desires and the fear of judgment from partners. The insights shared encourage a reassessment of how sexual fantasies are viewed, emphasizing that having fantasies does not equate to acting upon them or reflecting one's moral compass. It's vital for individuals grappling with feelings of shame to recognize that their fantasies often serve a psychological purpose and can enhance arousal. By normalizing fantasies and separating them from feelings of guilt, individuals can foster healthier sexual relationships and open dialogues with their partners.
Navigating Communication in Intimate Relationships
Communication about sexual fantasies can be challenging, but it is essential for a fulfilling intimate relationship. Strategies such as introducing fantasies through dreams or literature can help ease the transition into deeper conversations about desires and boundaries. The discussion stresses the importance of cultivating trust and vulnerability when sharing intimate thoughts with partners to strengthen the emotional connection. Importantly, exploring fantasies together can enhance mutual understanding and excitement, leading to a more vibrant sexual life.
This episode was originally released on January 13, 2018.
Orgies. Sex in public. Incest. These are the things that some of us think about in the dark. Taboo fantasies can be exciting, but they can also be the source of our deepest shame. In this two-part series on sexual fantasies, the Sugars read letters from people who want to turn off the thoughts that turn them on.
Dr. Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sexuality counselor, helps the Sugars answer a letter from a woman who calls herself “Fed Up With Fantasy.” She writes, “Ever since I started being a sexual being I’ve had terrible fantasies. Incest of every kind. Teachers having sex with their underage students. Gangbangs in public bathrooms. I cannot get turned on without thinking of these story lines. Did something bad happen to me that I have repressed so much I don’t even have a hint of it?” she asks. “And how do I make it stop?”
Dr. Kerner and the Sugars explore where dark fantasies come from and offer “Fed Up With Fantasy” ways she can share them with her boyfriend. Dr. Kerner specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy. He’s also The New York Times best-selling author of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”
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