How to Stop Choosing People Who Are Bad for Us (with Amy Chan)
Sep 14, 2023
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Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, joins Erin and Sara Foster on this episode. They discuss how to date better, why we stay in bad relationships, the concept of attractions of deprivation, the pillars of a successful partnership, and the importance of resilience and emotional tools in navigating heartbreak.
Stop stalking an ex on social media to heal a broken heart and move on.
Identify toxic relationships by asking self-reflective questions rather than dictating actions.
Look for shared values and mutual investment in a relationship, beyond superficial qualities.
Consider non-negotiables and new data to determine if a relationship can improve, rather than returning to familiar patterns.
Deep dives
The Importance of Healing a Broken Heart: Insights from a Breakup Expert
Amy Chan, a breakup expert, provides data-driven advice on healing a broken heart and moving on after a breakup. She emphasizes the need to stop stalking an ex on social media and explains the neurochemical reasons behind the urge to do so. Additionally, she discusses the dangers of holding onto hope and romanticizing a past relationship while ignoring the negative aspects. Chan highlights the importance of finding someone who shares the same values and is equally invested in building a relationship, rather than focusing on superficial qualities or short-term excitement.
Identifying Toxic Relationships and the Role of Friends
Chan addresses the challenge of identifying toxic relationships and offers advice on how friends can support someone in such a situation. She advises friends to avoid dictating what the person should do, but rather ask questions that prompt self-reflection. She explains the biases that often prevent individuals from seeing the negative aspects of a toxic relationship, such as minimizing the bad memories and amplifying the good times. Additionally, she cautions against being in an unbalanced relationship where one person consistently gives more, as it sets a precedent for an unhealthy power dynamic.
The Role of Values and Mutuality in Successful Relationships
Chan highlights the importance of shared values and mutual investment in a relationship. She explains that compatibility goes beyond shared hobbies and interests and encompasses an alignment of values and life vision. Furthermore, she emphasizes the need for both partners to be equally invested in building the relationship, avoiding imbalances where one person puts in significantly more effort than the other. Chan also emphasizes the role of timing in relationships, acknowledging that even a great connection can be hindered by wrong timing.
Knowing When to Break Up and Overcoming the Fear of Starting Over
Chan discusses the fear of starting over and provides guidance on knowing when to break up. She explains the concept of the "sunk cost fallacy" where people stay in dead-end relationships because they feel they have invested too much time or effort to walk away. Chan advises individuals to consider their non-negotiables and assess if their ex meets these criteria. She emphasizes the need for new data or changes in behavior to indicate that a relationship can improve, rather than simply returning to familiar patterns that led to the breakup.
The importance of choosing the right partner
It is important to ask whether you would choose your partner today, highlighting the significance of being with the right person.
The danger of settling in relationships
Staying in a relationship where you are not fully satisfied or where there is a lack of compatibility can lead to prolonged mediocrity and unhappiness.
The importance of time in decision making
Setting a specific time frame to reflect on your desires and priorities can help gauge future happiness and make more informed decisions in relationships.
Embracing change and growth in relationships
Being open to growth, change, and the possibility of not having kids or other life expectations allows for a more fulfilling and authentic partnership.
This week, Erin and Sara are joined again by Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp. They discuss how to date better, why we stay in bad relationships, why breakups are opportunities for new beginnings, and more.
Executive Producers: Erin Foster, Sara Foster, and Allison Bresnick
Associate Producer: Montana McBirney
Audio Engineer: Josh Windisch
This episode is sponsored by:
AG1 (drinkag1.com/foster)
SKIMS (skims.com + select our podcast in the dropdown menu)