Understanding Resentment in Intimate Relationships

Resentment is a complex emotion that consists of a blend of disappointment, anger, and disgust. It stems from a perception of unfairness or injustice in the relationship. Resentment can be a result of past experiences and family dynamics. It often involves rumination and the re-experiencing of strong negative emotions. Resentment keeps us stuck and harms our own wellbeing. To identify resentment, pay attention to bodily sensations like tightness in the chest or throat. Thoughts that contribute to resentment often revolve around feeling underappreciated or taken advantage of. Behaviors indicative of resentment include scorekeeping, sarcasm, and disengagement. By identifying your resentment valence, which is influenced by the role you played in your family of origin, you can gain insight into the specific imbalances that trigger your resentment in the present. Taking a holistic view of the relationship helps to avoid focusing solely on your own contributions and acknowledging your partner's efforts. It's important to identify your partner's patterns of accommodation, recognizing the ways in which they make accommodations for you. Naming the feeling behind the feeling enables you to express vulnerable emotions that underlie resentment, fostering empathy and understanding in your partner. You can also revise your relationship agreements, making specific requests to address imbalances and meet your needs. On the other hand, considering doing less can help prevent resentment from arising by letting go of high expectations and accepting that your partner may have different strengths and contributions. Celebrating approximations emphasizes effort and progress rather than perfection, fostering an atmosphere of appreciation and encouragement in the relationship. Practicing forgiveness involves letting go of the wish for the past to be different and recognizing the imperfections and humanity of both yourself and your partner. Finally, boosting gratitude through expressing appreciation, creating a gratitude album, reflecting on daily gratitudes, and discussing gratitudes with your partner helps shift focus away from resentment and cultivates a mindset of appreciation.