Tips from an ADHD Coach: People-pleasing everyone but ourselves
Apr 15, 2025
auto_awesome
The podcast explores the challenges faced by individuals with ADHD, particularly women, in the realm of people-pleasing. It delves into how the habit of prioritizing others can lead to resentment and neglect of personal needs. Listeners will learn about the emotional toll of seeking approval and the hidden costs it can have on relationships. The discussion emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, setting boundaries, and finding a balance between self-care and the desire to please, ultimately advocating for a more fulfilling life.
People-pleasing behaviors, especially prevalent among women with ADHD, can lead to resentment and hinder personal fulfillment over time.
Setting boundaries and recognizing individual needs are essential strategies for balancing selflessness with genuine self-care in relationships.
Deep dives
Understanding People-Pleasing in ADHD
People-pleasing behaviors are common among individuals with ADHD, particularly women, as they often seek external validation to compensate for their struggles with emotional regulation and lower dopamine levels. These behaviors can manifest in various ways, such as continuously prioritizing the needs of others over one's own desires, leading to resentment and feelings of inadequacy. For instance, Laura's experiences highlight how her compulsive need to please her boss led to a career switch that was detrimental to her professional growth, ultimately impacting her self-worth and aspirations. This tendency to mold oneself to meet others' expectations may begin as a coping mechanism but can evolve into a pattern that detracts from one's personal fulfillment and happiness.
Consequences of People-Pleasing
The pressure to meet others' needs can create a cycle of resentment when those efforts are unreciprocated or undervalued, leading individuals to feel unappreciated for their sacrifices. Laura's narrative illustrates how her choices, driven by the desire to please, resulted in negative outcomes, including a loss of certification and unfulfillment in her career. This overemphasis on others' happiness can also strain relationships, as individuals may inadvertently place unreasonable expectations on those they aim to please. Consequently, the fulfillment derived from people-pleasing can diminish, highlighting the need for balance in selflessness and self-care.
Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing
Recognizing one's own needs and values is crucial for individuals who have spent years prioritizing others above themselves, as it allows for more authentic decision-making. Implementing strategies such as setting boundaries, reducing the level of effort put into pleasing others, and communicating intentions can help ease the transition to a healthier relationship dynamic. For example, by adjusting the amount of planning or consideration given to friends during trips, one can alleviate the pressure on both parties and promote mutual enjoyment. Ultimately, fostering a mindset that prioritizes self-fulfillment contributes to stronger relationships and allows both the individual and others to enjoy the benefits of their efforts without the burden of unrealistic expectations.
Join health and science journalist Danielle Elliot as she investigates the rise of women recently diagnosed with ADHD. Listen to Climbing the Walls now.
Many people with ADHD, especially women, consider themselves people pleasers. It can become a habit to start putting others first without thinking, even when it goes against what we really want. This can lead to some resentment down the line.
This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye talks about how pleasing others all the time can turn from selfless into self-serving. Listen for tips on what to do if we’ve spent our whole lives trying to please others at a cost to ourselves.
Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give
Remember Everything You Learn from Podcasts
Save insights instantly, chat with episodes, and build lasting knowledge - all powered by AI.
