How to Not Lose Yourself in Your Relationships

May 15, 2025

Tom Bruett, therapist and founder of the Queer Relationship Institute, offers concise guidance on keeping your identity in relationships. He explores codependency, enmeshment, and their roots. The conversation covers healing through differentiation, practical self-regulation and journaling, and building interdependence that balances autonomy and closeness.

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Books

Transcript

Episode notes

INSIGHT

Balance Between Connection And Autonomy

Secure relationships balance connection and autonomy, not total merging or total separation.
Enmeshment blurs boundaries while codependency often signals a relational imbalance rooted in addiction origins.

ANECDOTE

Venn Diagram Of Me And We

Matt describes sliding between merging and distancing because of his disorganized attachment style.
He visualizes relationship boundaries as overlapping 'me' and 'we' bubbles he must actively balance.

INSIGHT

Biology And Culture Fuel Merging

Falling in love biologically hooks us with oxytocin and dopamine, which encourages merging behaviors early on.
Cultural myths (songs, movies) also idealize losing yourself in love, making differentiation harder.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

In this episode, Matt speaks with therapist and author, Tom Bruett, about how to avoid losing yourself in your relationships. By balancing connection and autonomy in our relationships, we can foster more secure relationships that allow us to maintain our sense of self while allowing our partner to do the same.

If you easily lose yourself in your relationships or you’re having a hard time establishing intimacy, this episode will offer a refreshing perspective and tangible takeaways to help you improve your relationship with yourself and others.

The concepts and questions we explore in this episode are:

What is codependency and enmeshment?
What are the consequences of being codependent or enmeshed in relationships?
What causes codependency and enmeshment?
How can we heal from codependency and enmeshment?
What is interdependency and differentiation?
How does interdependence and differentiation support secure relationships?
How does attachment style play a role in this topic?
What are some tangible ways to practice interdependence and differentiation?

Book by Tom Bruett:

The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment

Today's Guest: Tom Bruett

Instagram

Today's Host: Matt Landsiedel

Support the Show - viewer and listener support helps us to continue making episodes

- CONNECT WITH US -

Watch podcast episodes on YouTube
Join the Gay Men's Brotherhood Facebook community
Get on our email list to get access to our monthly Zoom calls
Follow us on Instagram | TikTok
Learn more about our community at GayMenGoingDeeper.com

- LEARN WITH US -

Building Better Relationships online course: Learn how to nurture more meaningful and authentic connections with yourself and others.
Healing Your Shame online course: Begin the journey toward greater confidence and self-worth by learning how to recognize and deal with toxic shame.
Gay Men Going Deeper Coaching Collection: Lifetime access to BOTH courses + 45 coaching videos and 2 workshop series.
Take the Attachment Style Quiz to determine your attachment style and get a free report.