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The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish
#157 Carolyn Coughlin: Become A Better Listener
Jan 24, 2023
01:20:15
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Renowned listener Carolyn Coughlin explores different types of listening, the impact of language on meaning making, and techniques for improving listening skills. She also discusses the importance of in-person interactions for trust-building, the power of perspective taking, and embracing discomfort for personal growth.
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Quick takeaways
- Mastering listening skills can have a tremendous impact on relationships and problem-solving, and it involves different types of listening such as listening to learn, understand, and fix.
- Exploring adult development theory can help us become better listeners by understanding how we construct meaning and how this construction changes over time, providing a language and framework for personal growth and adaptation.
- By becoming aware of the language we use, we can shift our meaning-making, reshape our identity, and live more fully aligned lives, such as replacing 'have to' and 'need to' with 'want to' and redefining work-life balance as a mosaic, integrated, and holistic approach.
Deep dives
The Contagious Nature of Listening
Listening tends to be contagious, as how each of us listens affects others. Feeling truly seen and heard is an extraordinary experience. Mastering listening skills can have a tremendous impact on our relationships and our ability to understand others. It involves different types of listening, including listening to learn, listening to understand, and listening to fix. The skill of listening is immediately useful for problem-solving and enhancing team collaboration, and it is also a developmental skill that can help us question our assumptions and see ourselves differently.
Understanding Adult Development Theory
Adult development theory describes how our sense-making evolves as we grow, even when we appear to be fully formed adults. It provides a map for understanding how we construct meaning and how this construction changes over time. By exploring adult development theory, we can gain insight into ourselves and others, enabling us to become better listeners and understand the different lenses through which people view the world. It offers a language and framework to navigate personal growth and adapt our meaning-making as we face new challenges and contexts.
Language and Identity in Shaping Our Lives
Language plays a powerful role in shaping our identity and how we perceive ourselves and the world. Our habitual language patterns can either limit or enable us. By becoming aware of the language we use, we can shift our meaning-making and create new possibilities. For example, replacing 'have to' and 'need to' with 'want to' can change how we perceive our responsibilities and choices. Similarly, exploring different metaphors and narratives allows us to redefine work-life balance as a mosaic, integrated, and holistic approach. By consciously choosing empowering language, we can reshape our identity and live more fully aligned lives.
Creating Conditions for Remote Trust
Remote work during the pandemic has revealed that coming into the office has different experiences and challenges for different individuals. While some professionals find it convenient to commute and work remotely, others face long commutes and prefer the comfort of working from home. Trust can be built remotely by implementing strategies such as starting meetings with check-ins to create connections and understand patterns. Creating the conditions for trust involves understanding complex systems and making small nudges to shape behaviors and allow change to happen naturally.
Perspective-Taking and Habit Change
Developing the habit of asking 'How could I be wrong?' can prompt curiosity and increase perspective-taking. This mindset acknowledges that our perspectives are often limited and that we can learn from others. Additionally, recognizing and changing unhelpful habits, such as the need to be on top of everything, can lead to personal growth. It involves accepting that the world is complex and understanding that not everything can be controlled. Embracing discomfort, practicing perspective-taking, and seeing the world through polarities can lead to a more nuanced understanding of ourselves and the systems in which we exist.
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