Turn Your Fear Of Conflict Into Deeper Connection | Martha Higareda Howes
Jun 30, 2025
Martha Higareda Howes shares her journey of overcoming a fear of conflict rooted in past trauma. She reveals how she used to avoid difficult conversations, even creating elaborate stories just to sidestep disagreements. The conversation highlights the vital role of cultivating a safe space for dialogue and the power of conscious conflict resolution. With practical wisdom, Martha and Lewis discuss strategies for open communication, emphasizing that facing conflicts can lead to deeper connections and healthier relationships.
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Conflict Fear From Past Trauma
Martha Higareda Howes shared how her past relationship with a narcissist made her fearful of conflict.
She would avoid direct communication and create elaborate stories to express concerns to prevent blow-ups.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Elaborate Stories to Avoid Conflict
Martha used to explain issues through elaborate analogies, like salt and pepper examples, instead of stating the problem directly.
Lewis encouraged her to just say what was bothering her without the stories.
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Conscious Conflict Resolution Tips
Use conscious conflict resolution by openly and lovingly addressing issues without blame.
Approach conversations with curiosity and desire for mutual understanding to avoid defensive reactions.
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"Instead of talking about what the problem was, I would walk around the bushes and come up with all these different examples... because I was conditioned that way." - Martha Higareda Howes
Martha Higareda Howes knows what it's like to walk on eggshells in love. After surviving a relationship with someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, she found herself so conditioned to fear conflict that even bringing up the smallest concern felt impossible. In her new marriage to Lewis, she'd create elaborate stories with salt and pepper shakers rather than simply say what was bothering her - anything to avoid what she'd been trained to expect: explosive reactions to the slightest issue. Her journey from that hypervigilant state to healthy communication reveals just how deeply past trauma can rewire our ability to be honest with the people we love most.
What makes this conversation so powerful isn't just Martha's vulnerability about her past, but the practical wisdom she and Lewis share about creating safety in relationships. They dive into their approach to "conscious conflict resolution" - a way of addressing problems that doesn't put anyone in defensive mode but instead opens the door for real understanding. If you've ever found yourself avoiding difficult conversations, storing up resentment, or struggling to speak your truth in love, their insights about moving from elaborate analogies to direct, loving communication could transform how you connect with others.
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