Building a healthy relationship with a difficult parent requires acknowledging personal growth and achievements, finding common interests, and setting boundaries.
Navigating intergenerational conflicts involves understanding cultural expectations, finding support from chosen family or friends, and honoring personal growth for rebuilding relationships.
Deep dives
Rebuilding a Strained Parent-Child Relationship
Jay, the listener, seeks advice on rebuilding their strained relationship with their father. They describe their challenging family dynamics and the struggle to connect with their dad. Despite their dad's difficulties in expressing parental love and adjusting to their changing femininity, Jay wants to have a relationship with him. The listener recounts a recent family holiday that turned into a heated argument, leaving them with little communication. They desire a relationship where they can have casual conversations and celebrate successes. Psychotherapist Nabarna Kannathasan suggests acknowledging personal growth and accomplishments and initiating conversations based on shared interests. The importance of self-care and setting boundaries is emphasized, and parents are advised to slow down, reflect on their reactions and history, and approach conversations with understanding and empathy for their adult children's experiences.
Navigating the Complexities of Intergenerational Relationships
The episode explores the complexities of intergenerational relationships, particularly within the context of Southeast Asian and South Asian cultures. Time, space, and understanding boundaries are highlighted as contributing factors to the complexities. The clash between collectivist family values and individualistic values taught in western education systems is discussed. It's noted that parents may struggle with communicating emotions and may have difficulties adjusting to their children's changing identities. The importance of honoring personal growth and finding support from chosen family or friends is emphasized. Therapist Nabarna Kannathasan advises slowing down, self-reflection, and using 'I' statements to express emotions when communicating with parents. She also suggests observing parents as strangers and finding common interests as a starting point for rebuilding relationships.
Parental Recognition and Validation
The episode delves into the listener's desire for recognition and validation from their father. The longing for acknowledgement of personal achievements, such as overcoming mental health struggles, is expressed. The importance of parental recognition in building a healthy relationship is discussed. The listener shares their experience of receiving validation and support from their mother, highlighting the positive impact it has had on their relationship. The therapist encourages parents to recognize their child's growth and accomplishments. It is emphasized that parents need to adapt their perception of their adult child and strive for open, supportive conversations. Starting small by sharing common interests and treating their child as a friend is suggested as a way to rebuild the relationship.
Balancing Understanding and Setting Boundaries
The episode addresses the challenge of balancing understanding and setting boundaries in relationships with toxic or difficult parents. The therapist acknowledges the dilemma of offering understanding and support while also avoiding abusive dynamics. The concept of self-care and the importance of looking after one's own well-being is emphasized. It is advised to slow down and reflect on reactive patterns, recognizing familial patterns passed down from previous generations. The listener is encouraged to communicate their feelings and needs calmly, using 'I' statements, while also considering the parent's emotional capacity to change. The complexity of parent-child dynamics and the need for self-preservation are acknowledged, empowering the listener to prioritize their own well-being.
Every year J. and her parents fly thousands of miles, meeting in the middle for their family vacation. A vacation that often leads to shouting and tears. J. and her father have a rocky relationship. Little disagreements often lead to her dad yelling and dredging up the past. It would be easy, in theory, to cut off the relationship before it got even more toxic. But J. wants to make it work. The question is, how? On this episode of How To!, host Carvell Wallace brings on Nibarna Kannathasan, a psychotherapist who has helped people navigate tricky intergenerational conflict, especially when factoring migration and differing cultural expectations. She helps J. parse what she really wants from her father and figure out a way to start down that road while protecting herself along the way.
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Podcast production by Derek John, Rosemary Belson, Kevin Bendis, and Jabari Butler.
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