In this episode, my guest is Bill Eddy, a lawyer, licensed therapist, professional mediator, and faculty member at the Pepperdine University School of Law. He specializes in identifying, reducing friction with, and disentangling from high-conflict individuals. We explain how high-conflict personalities differ from personality disorders and examine the cycles of blame and drama that cause persistent conflict in their relationships.
We discuss how to quickly recognize high-conflict individuals based on specific criteria and behaviors, helping listeners learn to spot their less obvious tactics. You’ll also learn how to disengage from them with minimal friction and understand the methods they use to draw people back in or keep conflict alive.
Additionally, we cover effective communication strategies for mediating situations involving high-conflict individuals, emphasizing empathy and problem-solving approaches. This episode equips listeners with tools to navigate conflict in various contexts, promoting resolutions that benefit all parties involved.
Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.
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Timestamps
00:00:00 Bill Eddy
00:02:58 Sponsors: Maui Nui & ExpressVPN
00:06:41 High-Conflict Families, High-Conflict Individuals & Patterns
00:10:48 Personality Disorders, Prevalence & Overlap
00:18:28 High-Conflict Personality vs. Personality Disorders, Blame
00:24:33 High-Conflict Individuals, Tool: First-Year Rule & Commitment
00:30:53 Sponsor: AG1
00:32:05 Relationship Stability, Tool: Vetting Potential Partners
00:38:54 Heightened Emotions, Negative Advocates, Divorce
00:47:50 Brain, Plasticity & Fear; Bullies, Polarization
00:54:51 Sponsors: Function & David
00:58:00 Emotions, Media, Politics
01:04:57 Tool: WEB Method, Identify High-Conflict Individuals
01:12:20 Body Cues, Identify High-Conflict Individuals
01:18:40 Tool: Don’t Label & Empathy; Adapting Your Behavior
01:23:12 High Conflict Personalities & Occupations
01:28:18 Big Personalities: Evidence vs Assumptions
01:37:27 Tool: Leaving a Combative High-Conflict Individual, Blame, Gradual Exit
01:45:41 Exiting a High Conflict Relationship & Timing
01:49:27 Tool: Disentangling from a Victim High-Conflict Individual, “Hoovering”
01:52:32 High Conflict Divorce, Small Families & Parental Estrangement
01:57:01 Tool: Managing Emotions & Relationships, EAR Statements
01:59:52 Large Families & Conflict Resolution
02:04:11 Bullies & Online Social Groups
02:09:18 Personality Disorders, Causes, Culture
02:13:09 Tool: 4 “Fuhgeddaboudits”, Topics to Avoid in High Conflict Resolution
02:19:50 Tool: CARS Method, Connecting & EAR Statements, Analyzing
02:27:03 Tool: CARS Method, Responding & BIFF Response, Setting Limits & SLIC
02:36:40 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
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