On Attachment

#128: Why Avoidant People Tend to Struggle with Defensiveness

Jan 23, 2024

This podcast explores why avoidant partners struggle with defensiveness in relationships. It discusses how defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked, how avoidant partners perceive relational needs as personal failings, and the role of avoidant attachment in emotional expressiveness. The podcast offers tips on relating to a partner's defensiveness with compassion and understanding. It also introduces a 28-day challenge for building self-worth and provides practical strategies for navigating conversations and overcoming defensiveness in relationships.

26:42

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Quick takeaways

Avoidant partners often become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures, which can contribute to negative cycles in relationships.

Avoidant individuals may perceive relational needs and concerns as personal failings, leading to defensiveness and potential misinterpretation of their partner's intentions.

Deep dives

Why avoidant partners struggle with defensiveness

Avoidant partners often struggle with defensiveness in relationships, especially during conflicts or conversations. This defensiveness can feel sudden and confusing for their more anxious-leaning partners. While defensiveness is not exclusive to avoidant individuals, it is a common coping strategy for those with avoidant attachment patterns. Avoidant partners may perceive certain remarks or actions as personal attacks, even if unintended. Understanding their perception and cultivating empathy, curiosity, and compassion can foster healthier communication and connection, rather than vilifying their defensiveness.

Introduction

3min

Understanding Defensiveness in Detachment and Core Wounds

9min

Defensiveness in the Context of Discussing Problems in a Relationship

7min

Navigating Conversations to Avoid Defensiveness

5min

Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships

2min

In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.

We'll cover:

why defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked
how avoidant partners can perceive relational needs and concerns as personal failings
avoidant attachment and emotional expressiveness
how you can start to relate to a partner's defensiveness with greater compassion rather than judgment and blame

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