Fucking Cancelled

Fucking Feelings: The Attunement Model of Consent

Nicole van der Hoeven's AI podcast notes
AI-generated based on their snips

1. The contractual model of consent, which emphasizes verbal, ongoing, explicit, freely given, and sober consent, may not align with people's real sex lives and can be ineffective for most people. Many find it clunky and unerotic.
2. The contractual model of consent focuses on securing a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no. Using a playful or sexy approach to the contractual model may hinder people from feeling comfortable saying no, especially for conflict avoidant individuals.
3. Attunement, originating from psychology and attachment theory, involves deep embodied listening and understanding of another person's experience. It includes verbal communication, questioning, and observing nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact, changes in behavior, sounds, and movements.
4. When you don't know someone well, a verbal component becomes more important in attunement to accurately interpret the other person's signals and cues, especially in the context of a sexual encounter. This may involve checking in before and during the encounter to better understand the other person's boundaries.
5. Consent can be given for reasons other than enthusiasm or being super turned on. It can still be genuine and consensual, even if not actively desired.
6. Shared responsibility in consent challenges the belief that only the initiator holds responsibility. Both partners have a responsibility to communicate clearly about any changes or unwanted aspects.
7. Failing to communicate about stopping, particularly in nonverbal situations, can be seen as a violation of your partner's trust and consent. Tops trust bottoms to communicate if something is off.
8. Long-term relationships have conflicting needs for security and mystery. Recognizing the partner's otherness and their inaccessible inner world is crucial for maintaining the erotic spark in a relationship.
9. It is important for responsible lovers to own the risk of accidentally crossing boundaries without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. The binary thinking of being either a horrible monster or a good person can hinder growth and improvement.

Highlights created by Nicole van der Hoeven

The contractual model of Consent in Sexual Intimacy

06:10 • 2min

The contractual model secures a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no

09:00 • 1min

Understanding Attunement in Psychology and Attachment Theory

15:13 • 1min

Increased importance of verbal component to attunement when you don’t know each other well

16:45 • 41sec

Snip

19:35 • 35sec

Snip

28:52 • 34sec

Not saying no is also violating your partner’s consent

31:04 • 60sec

Snip

51:34 • 2min

Snip

01:02:02 • 1min