The podcast discusses the attunement model of consent as an alternative to the contractual model. It explores the importance of clear communication, setting boundaries, and different communication styles in consent. The hosts challenge traditional gender scripts and explore the role of context and attunement in effective communication. They also discuss repairing ruptures in everyday relationships, responsible sexual encounters, and valuing the erotic in consent.
Attunement and non-verbal cues play a crucial role in consent, challenging the contractual model of ongoing verbal asking.
Shared responsibility in communication is necessary for clear understanding and mutual consent in sexual relationships.
Recognizing the inherent risk in sexuality and embracing the erotic are essential for responsible sexual engagement.
Deep dives
Understanding the Contractual Model of Consent
The podcast episode explores the contractual model of consent commonly taught in consent education and its limitations. The model emphasizes the importance of verbal, ongoing, and explicit consent for each sexual act. However, the speaker argues that this model does not align with real-life sexual experiences and desires. Many people find it clunky, unerotic, and unrealistic, leading to communication difficulties and potential misunderstandings. The speaker suggests that attunement, deep listening, and non-verbal cues play a crucial role in consent. Understanding body language, changes in behavior, and being open to other forms of communication are important for attaining a more nuanced understanding of consent.
Shared Responsibility in Consent
The podcast episode discusses the importance of shared responsibility in consent. While the contractual model often places the burden of consent on the initiatory partner, both partners are responsible for clear communication. The speaker emphasizes that the receptive partner should also actively communicate their boundaries and desires. This includes verbally expressing preferences, discussing limits, using non-verbal signals or code words, and having conversations about what is welcomed or not. The idea is to find a communication style that works for both partners and allows for clear understanding and mutual consent.
Recognizing Inherent Risk in Sexuality
The podcast episode touches on the inherent risk involved in sexuality and its connection to the erotic. The speaker explores how human desire thrives in the face of uncertainty and the unknown. While safety and security are important in relationships, the need for mystery, excitement, and unpredictability is essential for maintaining an erotic connection. The speaker suggests that recognizing and accepting the inherent risk in sexuality is crucial for responsible sexual engagement. This understanding challenges prevailing notions of consent as solely based on the prevention of harm and recognizes the complexity of human desires and interactions.
Balancing Safety and Erotic Exploration
The podcast episode highlights the delicate balance between safety and erotic exploration. It acknowledges the desire for safety and security in sexual relationships while emphasizing the importance of maintaining the element of mystery and unpredictability. The speaker suggests that open communication, including verbal and non-verbal cues, can help navigate this balance. It also points out that risk is an inherent aspect of all human interactions. By accepting and understanding this risk, individuals can approach sexuality with responsibility, attunement, and a willingness to communicate and explore within their own boundaries.
Importance of Attunement and Repair in Relationships
In this podcast episode, the importance of attunement and repair in relationships is emphasized. The speaker highlights how even in close and loving relationships, there can be moments of hurt and miscommunication. The concept of rupture, where one person reaches out for connection and the other person fails to respond, is discussed, emphasizing the need for repair to restore attunement. The podcast points out that attunement is particularly important in sexual relationships due to the heightened emotional vulnerability involved. The speaker encourages responsible and intentional behavior, stressing the shared responsibility of both partners. They caution against collapsing into shame or defensiveness when boundaries are unintentionally crossed, and argue against the binary thinking promoted by cancel culture. The podcast suggests that misattunement is a normal part of attunement, creating opportunities for further growth and understanding in relationships.
Choosing Attuned Sexual Partners and Valuing the Erotic
This podcast episode discusses the importance of choosing sexual partners who are attuned and respectful of boundaries. It highlights the need for open communication, curiosity, and receptiveness in sexual relationships. The speaker points out that both tops and bottoms have a responsibility in communication and attunement. They note that heterosexual men may face humiliation when stepping outside traditional gender roles, and emphasize the need for more spaciousness and understanding in sexual dynamics. The podcast also explores the value of the erotic in consent practices, stressing that consent practices should not detract from the pleasure and arousal experienced during sex. It suggests that finding consent models that are erotic and enjoyable for both partners is crucial, rather than relying solely on contractual consent models. The speaker encourages individuals to elevate their standards when it comes to sexual partners and seek out those who prioritize attunement and respect.
In Episode 56, we announce that Fucking Cancelled has moved to substack! Please follow us fuckingcancelled.substack.com if you haven’t already, and consider becoming a supporter of the pod for $5 Canadian a month. You’ll get a bunch of bonus content and help keep the podcast alive! After this announcement we discuss Clementine’s attunement model of consent, which she wrote about in her zine, The Forgotten Art of Fucking. This model includes: attunement, shared responsibility, mixed styles of communication, valuing the erotic, and recognizing the inherent risk in sexuality. Clementine offers this model as an alternative to the contractual model of consent that defines consent only as ongoing verbal asking throughout sex.
Jay Lesoleil is a writer, artist, and shelter worker from Montréal with a background in political anthropology. Jay is also one half of the podcast Fucking Cancelled.
Clementine Morrigan is a socialist-feminist writer, educator, and public intellectual based in Montréal, Canada. She writes popular and controversial essays about culture, politics, sexuality, and trauma. A passionate believer in independent media, she’s been making zines since the year 2000 and is the author of several books. She’s known for her iconic white-text-on-a-black-background mini-essays on Instagram. One of the leading voices on the Canadian Left and one half of the Fucking Cancelled podcast, Clementine is an outspoken critic of cancel culture and proponent of building solidarity across difference.
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