Our relationship map is obliterated

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Grief is the process of unbraiding and untangling that relationship between where people are in space, in time, and our attachment to them.
When somebody, or an animal or a thing is taken from us, either by decision or by death, or by circumstance, our entire memory bank and our ability to predict where and when they will be, and therefore when we can feed our attachment to them again, that whole map is obliterated, except that the attachment itself has not been disrupted.
Assuming that you are deeply attached to someone or an animal or a thing, that attachment persists. And the grief process is one in which you have to re order understanding of them in space and in time. This is very, very hard to do, and for some people, it's almost impossible to do, at least at the outset of grief.

This episode, I discuss grief and the challenges of processing losses of different kinds. I explain the biological mechanisms of grief, including how neural circuits for emotional and factual memory combine with those for love and attachment, to create feelings of absence and yearning. I discuss how grief is distinct from depression, yet why they can feel so similar. I also provide science-based tools to assist with the grieving process, including how to reframe and remap the relationship with those we have lost while still maintaining a strong emotional connection to them. I also explain the importance of having and building strong foundational psychological and biological states so that we can better cope with grief when it happens. Finally, I describe tools to adjust those states, including those for accessing sleep, managing stress and emotional swings. This episode is for those suffering from grief but also for everyone, given that we all experience grief at some point in our lives.

We recorded this episode before the recent mass shooting tragedies in the United States. While we hope the information in this episode will be of use to anyone suffering from grief of any kind and at any time, we are also careful to acknowledge that many people require additional support and resources. For that reason, we include mention of such resources and we generally hope people will access them if needed.

For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.

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Timestamps

(00:00:00) Grief & Bereavement

(00:04:02) Sponsors: AG1, LMNT

(00:08:35) Grief vs. Depression, Complicated Grief

(00:12:20) Stages of Grief, Individual Variation for Grieving

(00:16:05) Grief: Lack & Motivation, Dopamine

(00:23:15) Three Dimensions of Relationships

(00:29:52) Tool: Remapping Relationships

(00:37:15) Grief, Maintaining Emotional Closeness & Remapping

(00:44:40) Memories of Loved Ones & Remapping Attachments

(00:48:04) Yearning for Loved Ones: Memories vs. Reality, Episodic Memory

(00:51:40) Tools: Adaptively Processing Grief, Counterfactual Thinking, Phantom Limbs

(01:00:32) Tool: Remembering Emotional Connection & Processing Grief

(01:04:03) Memories, Hippocampal Trace Cells & Feeling An Absence

(01:10:14) Yearning & Oxytocin, Individualized Grief Cycles

(01:18:24) Tool: Complicated Grief & Adrenaline (Epinephrine)

(01:24:37) Sentimental Attachment to Objects

(01:26:13) Why do Some People Grieve More Quickly? Individual Attachment Capacity

(01:29:42) “Vagal Tone,” Heart Rate, Breathwork & Grief Recovery

(01:42:32) Complicated Grief & Cortisol Patterns

(01:48:50) Tool: Improving Sleep & Grieving

(01:54:28) Tools: Grief Processing & Adaptive Recovery

(02:03:36) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Momentous Supplements, Instagram, Twitter, Neural Network Newsletter

Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac

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