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Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds

Huberman Lab

NOTE

**Parenting Jobs: set boundaries, validate, empathize, hold boundary **

The two essential jobs of parents are setting boundaries and showing empathy and validation. Boundaries are about clearly stating what we will do without expecting anything from others, keeping us connected to our values and ensuring safety for our children. Empathy and validation involve connecting with the feelings of our children, without necessarily agreeing or condoning their behavior, thus fostering sturdy and healthy relationships.

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Speaker 1
So in almost any other place, you could assume if I'm getting a new job at this company, like there's just no way I could do my job well if I don't know what my job is. Right? If you go to your desk and your boss like, have a good day, do a good job. And there's no job description. You'd be like, I think that's impossible. But over and over with parents, if I say to them, well, what is your job with your kid? Or when your kid is having a tantrum or they hit or they're rude or they lie to your face or anything like, what is your job in that moment? Most people, very well intentioned, educated people who would never ever take a job if they didn't have a job description. They look at me, they're like, I have no idea. So how can we do it well? And then we then perform it to a place to get to the outcomes we want if you don't have the foundation of what your job is. And to me, I thought a lot about it. I think parents actually have two jobs and it relates to sturdiness. So you'll connect it where one of our jobs is boundaries. And to me, boundaries are things we tell people we will do and they require the other person to do nothing. And that's like really important because a lot of times we think we're setting a boundary when actually we're making a decision. When actually we're making a request. And boundaries keep us connected to ourselves. They represent our values and our wants and our needs. And in a parent-child relationship, they also keep our kids safe. If I just know in a simple way, like my kids watch enough TV today and they really have to get to bed and I know that. Like I don't want them to stay up late, I kind of know what my family needs. I have to set a boundary. But the other part of my job is empathy and validation. Which is a way of connecting to someone else. Where you see someone else's feelings and experience as real. You don't agree with it probably. You don't necessarily condone the behavior. That's the representation of the feelings. But the feelings themselves you need to connect to. And I feel like those are our two jobs as parents and that's really the way to be a sturdy leader and to be in a sturdy, healthy relationship with your kids.

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