Amsterdam bans smoking joints in public in the latest stage of the capital's 12-step plan to kick its drug tourism dependency. The political agenda is dominated by the long-running pension talks and fears of another asylum system meltdown this summer. Wopke Hoekstra flies to Beijing to reassure the Chinese that little things like war, genocide and industrial espionage won't spoil a €73bn trade partnership. One football coach abruptly quits, another unexpectedly stays, while Ajax's women have their league title celebrations cancelled so as not to humiliate the underperforming men's team. And armed forces personnel face a grilling over claims that they used a training fund to procure luxury barbecues.

Brabant is the unlikely setting this week for a tale of industrial espionage running from Greece to Moscow via Paris. The national audit office takes time out from infiltrating army bases to deliver a damning verdict on the government's handling of the economy. GDP unexpectedly nosedives after it emerges that bamischijven are disappearing from Friday afternoon works gatherings. Mark Rutte dashes from a summit in Iceland where he made vague promises to send F-16s to Ukraine to a meeting where he vaguely promised to resolve the nitrogen crisis. In a busy week for the courts, a Russian oligarch fails to evict squatters from his Amsterdam mansion while a French author loses his bid to block an "essayistic" adult movie. And Feyenoord win the Eredivisie but lose the distinction of having the worst hooligans in the Netherlands to troubled FC Groningen.

Rotterdam's runaway vulture is bound for a Mediterranean island retreat after startling the owner of a house in Leipzig by turning up beside his pond. Closer to home, GroenLinks and BBB have mixed results as they try to form provincial administrations. Interpol launches an appeal to try to identify 22 women murdered across three countries in the last 50 years. Housing minister Hugo de Jonge struggles to get his plan to build 37,500 container homes off the ground. Feyenoord are on the brink of winning the Eredivisie for the first time in six years, while Max Verstappen continues his juggernaut-like pursuit of a third Formula 1 title.

On the day when the Dutch commemorate their war dead, the president of Ukraine jetted in to give a sobering reminder that wars are not just for the history books. Volodymyr Zelenskyy visited the ICC, the Senate, the Catshuis and a royal palace in a whirlwind tour that covered more ground than the Russian army managed in six months in Bakhmut. Dodenherdenking also featured a moving speech by a teenage girl about the Sinti victims of the Holocaust, a bugle-hating cat and yet another ophef-inducing tweet by Caroline van der Plas. PSV won the Dutch cup final in a forgettable match that culminated in a woeful penalty shoot-out. And DutchNews has a wartime exclusive of its own – tune in to find out more, as well as what to do if you have any wartime documents gathering dust in the attic. You can find out more about the campaign to donate war memorabilia and details of participating museums at https://www.actienietweggooien.nl

Prime Minister Mark Rutte once again apologised to the people of Groningen for how they have been treated by the government in the past decades and pledged 22.5 billion of investments in the province’s infrastructure, public facilities and healthcare to compensate for the physical and mental damages caused by gas extraction induced earthquakes. Climate minister Rob Jetten announced the cabinet’s 30 billion euro plans to tackle climate change, while an extra 2 billion is invested to solve the asylum and migration crisis to avoid a repeat of last summer when hundreds of asylum seekers had to sleep in tents due to a shortage of accommodations. After a very expensive week, Finance minister Sigrid Kaag warned that the government is reaching the end of its deep pockets. Luckily, she found a typical Dutch kitchen tool at one of the King’s Day freemarkets that’s perfect for bringing the budget back on track. In other news, criminal lawyer Inez Weski was arrested after she allegedly helped her client Ridoughan Taghi communicate with the outside world from his cell in the extra security prison in Vught, the Dutch Railways are considering increasing train ticket prices in rush hour and public broadcaster Ongehoord Nederland might see its license revoked after spreading conspiracy theories and fake news.

The government's woes keep piling up as squatting badgers throw a spanner into the works of their efforts to house refugees. Talks with farmers' groups on nitrogen reduction are on the verge of breaking down while the government grapples with conflicting demands from opposition parties. Travellers are warned to face another summer of misery at Schiphol. The MIVD foils a Russian spy vessel posing as a fishing boat, possibly after the crew make a misguided attempt to blend in by drinking Russian-bottled Heineken. Rabobank says young families are fleeing Amsterdam for cheaper homes in the provinces. Ajax go viral by hanging a virtual poster on the wall of a fictional British pub from an American TV series. And a hotel chain threatens to sue Amsterdam city council over the location of its multi-storey 'erotic centre'. Buy your nun-alcoholic wine here: https://www.omroepbrabant.nl/nieuws/4264040/nonnen-zitten-met-64000-flessen-wijn-in-hun-maag-het-was-te-zonnig

French president Emmanuel Macron was confronted by protests and tough questions on his relations with China on his state visit to The Hague, but the Dutch language turned out to be his biggest adversary. Farmers' party BBB looks set to shut out D66 from provincial government as tensions grow in the coalition on its nitrogen policy. Schiphol airport presses on with plans to cut the number of flights even after a court rules it doesn't have to. And we have a menagerie of animal stories, from runaway meerkats and pole-squatting storks to the untimely demise of a gorilla who became a household name.

A carousel of rubbish this week as Amsterdam imports 900 tonnes of waste from Rome while launching a campaign to keep out trashed British tourists. Mark Rutte promises to listen better to voters as he tries to save his government from the scrapheap, while Wopke Hoekstra tries to salvage his credibility by finding common ground with BBB leader Caroline van der Plas. Sex workers protest against being dumped in an out-of-town 'erotic centre' as the city council tries to clean up the red light district. French writer Michel Houellebecq fails to get his accidental porn film canned by the courts. Oranje are dumped on by the French in football and sent packing by Zimbabwe in cricket. And Greenpeace steps up its campaign against the high-flying, high-polluting super rich and their private jets. Stay Away campaign: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Be9yFONsMow

The polder system is being hollowed out and threatens to go off the rails at any moment. Yes, those pesky badgers have been building their setts under railway lines and forced NS to cancel some trains. Meanwhile, the Christian Democrats lick their wounds at a corporate hotel near Utrecht as the coalition parties continue to reel from the aftershocks of the BBB's electoral coup. Feyenoord and the Dutch cricket team reassure the CDA that even the worst losing streaks come to an end eventually. Russia fires a broadside at the ICC while China threatens to serve up an extra hot portion of patatje oorlog if ASML stops supplying Dutch chips. And has an orange chicken curry put paid to the football team's chances of a famous win in Paris?

We digest the results of a bombshell election that turned the Senate, the provincial houses and the water boards upside down and the flags the right way up. Are the nitrogen reduction plans in disarray? Who will the BoerBurgerBeweging team up with in the provinces? And can Mark Rutte live to fight another round on Vandaag Inside? The war in Ukraine and the pandemic turn out to be good news for the environment. Unemployment remains low but wages aren't keeping up with the price of tomatoes. And in football, two Dutch teams are still in the hunt for Europe's lesser prizes.