Delusions Of Grandeur

Folks, this book is rough enough that maybe even fat free flavor crystals sprinkled on a sarcastic omniscient space clam can't save it. Everyone is getting done dirty in this section, from the entire Wampa race down to Wedge Antilles. Our heroes hop all over the galaxy, finding out things that other people already know and gaslighting their significant others, friends, and/or protégées. Even more upsetting are the gratuitous mentions of Pellaeon's depression mustache. Our hosts dive deep into Crix Madine's baffling uniform to distract themselves from the impossible task of figuring out how much time has elapsed so far in this book (Five years? Two days? The galaxy may never know).

Fair warning: if you identify as a woman or a Mon Calamari, there's not much to appreciate about these chapters. Leia finally gets to go out with her family — to eat a salad. Admiral Ackbar can't even make it past the Corneria mission in Star Fox 64 — despite being a revered war vet. Qwi Xux is supposedly a brilliant scientist — but more importantly, Wedge thinks she's hot. And even though Callista tried to break up with Luke Skywalker, she continues to follow him around the galaxy — enduring Wampa attacks and an endless barrage of stories about his gap year on Dagobah.

This is really a book about getting the gang back together if you think about it! Luke asks the New Republic for some PTO to head off with Callista to find the Force on an ice resort for rich people (we don't get it either). Kyp Durran is allowed to graduate to full Jedi and just...peace out to go after a vague hunch (talk about the Luke Skywalker school of Jedi-ing). Han and Leia ponder what to do about the whole Hutt situation. And Admirals Daala and Pelleon (and his mustache) prep for a Very Important Meeting.

Now that we're done with the Dune stuff, things are getting stranger. The Hutts raid Coruscant's central computer with the help of slapstick weasels. Luke decides to graduate three students who just "feel ready" - including tipped turbolaser Kyp Durron, so that he can get the New Republic to approve his PTO. No one on Yavin 4 acknowledges the total body horror of Callista taking the body of their friend and fellow student. Luke and Callista engage in performative PDA that is giving us the ick through space and time. And HOOOO BOY...do we get why Timmy Zahn might have wanted to lock down future appearances by one Mara Jade after this little flyby. But whatever is written here, the Delulu crew knows the truth: Mara deserves better...and Mara and Lando totally boned.

With great personal bravery, we continue with the "Callista Trilogy" and crack open Kevin J. Anderson's Darksaber: a book that would like you to find fellow Star Wars Fans on the World Wide Web. Although the cover would suggest that an Empire era Luke Skywalker is embracing life as a bisexual icon alongside his devoted friend Kurt Russell, most of these chapters take place on Tatooine! Han and Luke go undercover with some Tusken Raiders (who appear to have some culture after all...) and break into Jabba's Palace to try and find out what his fellow Hutts are up to (no good, obviously). And we meet lovable Imperial bumbler/David Lynch clone Bevil Lemelisk: a man who just wants get some lunch in his tum tum but sadly must oversee an evil mining operation instead.

What is there to say about these chapters? Our intrepid hosts take a cue from Lando, light up a metaphorical cigarette with our electronic space jackets, and lie down on a cosmic people mover to be passively borne towards an unsatisfying conclusion. In the end, Vuffi Raa abandons his brief career as a fashion accessory to chose true love over being a narc, Mohs loses his eyeballs but gains the knowledge of how his ancestors sold him out, Lando flies off into the sunset, and the Mindharp phones home.

Patreon's prompt for this description is, "Why do you create?" And honestly, when the source material is this bad, it's a great question. Mostly to yell about someone else's art, I guess? Anyway: join us as we traipse from sabacc table to sabacc table — from tapcafé to tapcafé — at the whim of a threatening magician, to discover what the actual heck a mindharp is. The good news is that there is a lot of goofiness (dinosaurs! jackalopes!) sprinkled among some terrible eugenicist nonsense. We learn (unsurprisingly) that Lando Calrissian can never be without a cumberbund. Even in bed. Even tied to a cactus. Even, somehow, while also wearing a loincloth.

Don't you just wish, though. Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts that some Skywalker would come up in here trying something froggy...and then two very intelligent women would stun him right in the face? In the exciting conclusion to this mostly incredible novel: Luke's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week comes to a close and he gets that office romance he's been dreaming about (at least, for now!). As we all know, with great power comes great reshpronsatrilatrix — and it's Callista who pays the price for messing with how the Force works.Meanwhile, Leia gets temporarily lost in the k-hole before outwitting Roganda and her asshole teen using her extensive knowledge of aristocratic rules and some dope Force jumps. Han and Lando remain supportive side pieces to their very angry and very competent lady partners. R2 and 3PO reunite to continue what is possibly the healthiest relationship in all of Star Wars (?).Oh! And here's that Billy Dee Williams clip. Enjoy.

Luke Skywalker, whose leg is about to fall off, processes his trauma by banging it out on the astral plane. Leia Organa of the Alderaanian Organas leans on her training in royal eyelash batting to avoid execution and spends a night in white-collar prison curled up with a good book. This week's chapters are full of $5 words...including ones made up by a friend of the show! We are proud to present you with "Trümmernverliebtheittyp," a brand new word that means "a-guy-who-only-has-a-crush-when-his-life-is-in-shambles" (aka: Luke Skywalker).

Another valiant battle to make it through four chapters of this fine novel! Luke and Callista come up with a plan to distract the Gamorreans holding Cray. While they're building it, they lie around on the office floor having deep freshman year conversations about their childhoods and why the Force is just like, the best. Threepio uses the power of diplomacy and tasty recipes to save the day. Leia figures out who is following her through the goddamn mists, and is forced to confront the cold dead hand of the galactic aristocracy once more.