Marriage After God - Biblical advice, practical tips, and inspiring stories to strengthen your relationship and deepen your spiritual connection

In this weeks episode we would like to invite you to invest in your marriage in a meaningful way and by doing so you will also be helping support this podcast.simply take a moment and head over to our online store shop.marriageaftergod.comAnd grab a set of our devotionals or prayer journals. Here are some of the resources we have written for you.The Ultimate Marriage After God Growth Bundle (30% OFF) 5 of our most popular books31 Prayers For My Son & Daughter books bundleAnd for those of you that are engaged our are in a waiting period we have31 Prayers For My Future husband and wife books. Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Jill BChristy HYvonne GMeri UWe thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by our free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

They say communication is the key to a good relationship…. But what do they say about how we communicate Living in the 21st century with all the technological advances we have? The rapid ability to communicate via phone, text, or email has definitely thrown a curve ball for those trying to bat a homerun in marriage!   The invention of the cellphone, internet, and apps have completely reshaped our culture and how we operate as a society and it all has happened in a very short period of time. Despite the good that can come from the speedy access acquired through technology, there have been unintended and unexpected consequences of the way it is used at times, especially through text messaging. Have you ever sent a text that was taken the wrong way? Are you guilty of ignoring a text or being non-responsive? Have you ever experienced anxiety or hurt from the way a conversation unfolds over text? Have you ever been misunderstood through these short-hand ways of communicating? Today we are going to explore a conversation around the ways we communicate and how its impacting our marriage.  Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

Intimacy, often we associate this word with Sex or physical connection. these 2 things are infact forms of intimacy but are these the only meaning and purpose for this word? Is it possible that it is deeper and more profound than we have given it credit for? What can we learn from God and his relationship with us about intimacy with Him and with our spouse. If you have been blessed by the free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

If you have been blessed by our free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. So if you haven't joined the team yet here is your chance.Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron--The Gospel, It’s the good news of Salvation to the world. It's good news because it tells us that where we could only fail Jesus could only succeed. It brings us near to God yet while we were far off. The Gospel makes us whole where we were in pieces. But does the gospel only matter before we believe or after also? Once we have stepped into it do we simply leave it behind? Or is the Gospel something that we as believers should cling to in every aspect of our lives? Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

The word LOVE has been used so often and for such a variety of things. Commonly applied to everything from pets to food, from clothing to cars, and of course in significant relationships. If we love all of our things… then what does it mean when we do tell our spouse, “I Love you”?How are those around us, our spouse, our children, our friends and our family to know the difference between our love for things and our love for them? How can one word have so many different levels of meaning? Has it been diluted through the way we use it?Has it ceased to hold its powerful purpose? And How can we hope to revive the meaning and depth of this word when it comes to those to whom it is to mean the most?--If you have been blessed by the free marriage after god content wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

 All of us, on some level, desire transformation in our marriage. Whether that transformation is a small change, or a complete overhaul, we all want to experience more joy, peace, love and purpose. Ultimately, we are always going through some form of transformation, because we don’t remain completely the same. All of us are being transformed into something; the question is, are we transforming into what God desires, or something else?The first step in changing, is realizing that we can. The lie we often tell ourselves is that we cannot change, or never will. We must believe that we can and will change, because of what God says. The journey to change can be really difficult, but to begin, start by doing the next right thing. Here are 7 ways to establish the change and transformation you want to see in your own marriage:Write it outWrite down your goals for your marriage and your walk with the Lord, together! Writing down your thoughts and goals makes them visible and real. Not only does this give you and your spouse something to work towards, it ensures you are on the same page. Whether they are smaller goals, such as “affirm one another more often,” or larger goals, such as “get out of debt,” it is important to know about and work together towards your objectives.The Golden RuleMatthew 7:12 12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. In other words, treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. Be honest, treat them with gentleness and respect, encourage them, and forgive quickly. Pursue your spouse as you would want to be pursued.If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at allRegardless of how we are feeling at any given moment, it isn’t acceptable to be cruel or hurtful with our words and actions. We must practice holding our tongues and thinking before we speak. Silence, and the ability to listen more in an argument, is more important than being right. Think about what you are going to say. If it is not something you would love to hear from your spouse, then maybe it should not be said. If you do have a critique, bring it to your spouse constructively and from a place of love and respect.Stop being easily offendedOne of the attributes of love is that it is not easily offended. It is not irritable or resentful. We can become more easily offended when we love ourselves more than we love our spouse, or in the places where we allow insecurity to seep in. When we are not abiding in the word, it will be easy to react in our flesh. If we truly love, we will not be irritable or resentful. Remind your spouse that you are both working on not being offended with each other.More romance and more sexOur marriages need both the physical and emotional connection that romance and sex bring. Physical intimacy is a powerful gift God has given to our marriages. Emotionally, finding ways to relate and to bring excitement and mystery into your daily life is essential in connecting with your spouse’s heart and mind. Invest in your marriageInvesting in something means to spend your time, money, energy, and resources on that thing. Investing in your marriage will result in great returns for generations to come. Whether it is going on regular dates, attending a marriage retreat, reading books, or praying for one another, these investments will sow seeds that many (especially you and your spouse), will reap the benefits of.See your spouse and yourself through Christ’s eyesWhen you look at your spouse, choose to see them as Christ does. Have hope in seeing who your spouse can become in Christ and love them how Christ does, instead of constantly viewing them critically. See them through a lens of grace, not who they are in their sin, but who they are because of the blood of Christ; a new creation.Change can just happen, but that kind of change is usually the result of being passive in decisions and what you allow to influence your mind and heart. Powerful transformation comes from putting in the time and effort. It takes being selfless and sacrificial; it requires much, but the benefits of becoming more Christ-like are exceedingly worthwhile.--This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team, who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Nicole MitchellDawn GKimberly SKatharine CCandice GRegena JWe thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by the free marriage after god content, wed love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron TRANSCRIPTAaron:Hey, we're Aaron and Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God Podcast. All of us on some level desire a transformation in our marriage. Whether the transformation is a small change or a complete overhaul, we want to experience more joy, more peace, more love, and more purpose. Jennifer:The truth is, we are always going through some form of transformation, for there is no such thing as staying the same. The question is, are we transforming into what God desires, or something else? Aaron:This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show. Here's a shout to some of the most recent patrons: Nicole M, Don G, Kimberly S, Katherine C, Candace, G, and Regina J. We thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing tens of thousands of couples, with free daily prayer emails, and this weekly podcast.If you've been blessed by this free Marriage After God content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Please visit Marriageaftergod.com/patron. Jennifer:Well, this has been a whole month now of the podcast. Aaron:We're doing it. Jennifer:It's awesome. Aaron:We are doing it. Jennifer:Welcome to 2023. How's January been for you? Aaron:Well, it feels like we've been doing better because we're better as in, we've talked about, we're getting into routines. The routines look different than they used to, but we're getting some routines and I like it. Jennifer:Yeah, sometimes you just got to reset. Sometimes life forces you to reset. Aaron:Yeah, hence 2020, 2021, 2022. Jennifer:Every year there's been new reset. Yeah, so what's been happening lately since last week? Aaron:Well, just before ... Jennifer:Oh, yeah, I was going to say that. Aaron:Yeah. I walk in, and I wanted to Jennifer look at the notes and she's like, "What notes?" I'm like, "Oh my goodness. Was one of the kids in here?" Jennifer:There was just two sentences and a bunch of gibberish. Aaron:Garbly. Yeah. Jennifer:Did you say garbly? Aaron:Garbly goop. It was, all the notes were deleted, literally. Jennifer:Who was the culprit? That's what I want to know. Aaron:I'm wondering what else happened in our room. Luckily, I was able to restore the notes so we weren't out of luck, but something that is awesome that happened this week is I got to start Jiu-Jitsu. Jennifer:Nice. The kids have been doing it for a year. Did you know that? Aaron:It's been a whole year? Jennifer:I know. Crazy. Went by fast. Aaron:They're getting really good and I was getting jealous, and I'm like, "I got to get good at Jiu-Jitsu so that I can wrestle with them and them not win me every time." I started this week and I think you're a little jealous, because I think you want to start too. Jennifer:I've been wanting to start for seven months. I feel like out of everyone in the family, Mom gets to make those kind of choices last because everyone's got to be okay if I'm going to step out of the house. Aaron:It is true. We need you a lot. Jennifer:Timing was off, but who knows? Aaron:I think we might try it this week though together, on a date night or something. Jennifer:I think we're going to try it on a date night. Aaron:We should do it. Jennifer:It's just a fundamentals class, so there it'll be easy for me, I think. Not easy, but I'm not going to do what you're doing. Aaron:Straightforward. Yeah. To be honest, it was one of the most rewarding and intense workouts I've had in a very long time. I walk out drenched, soaking. It's disgusting. I'm so wet. I was getting in the van and I had to look for something to sit on so I wouldn't get the seat all wet. Jennifer:That's gross. Aaron:It was really gross, and I'm also really sore. To be honest, I felt really good after the first class. I was like, "Dang, I'm not that bad. I did awesome." Then the second class, I realized everyone was probably being really nice to me because I'm not good at all. That was awesome, actually. Jennifer:Does that make you want to go back? Aaron:Yeah. It was still a lot of fun. No one was mean about it. Everyone's so nice and they want, everyone wants to get good together. Yeah, it just made me excited. Jennifer:That's good for this episode. Get good together. That's what we should call it. Aaron:Get good together. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to growing in it. Jennifer:Cool. Well, something that's been interesting for me was a little bit unexpected, just because we've had conversations about it, but ... Aaron:Privately. Jennifer:The kids started praying for me crazy ... Aaron:Out of nowhere. Jennifer:... that I would have another baby, and it really warms my heart. Aaron and I have talked about this in the past. We're like, we look at Edith, she's two, almost three, and she's been our baby for so long that it's like ... Aaron:Is this the longest gap we've had so far? Yeah. Jennifer:WI think to myself, okay, well if this is all the kids that we have, I'm totally content and happy with where our family is at. Then there's this piece of my heart that I'm like, but if I did have another, that'd be awesome. Aaron:Our hands are always open in that sense. We want God's will. At the same time, we're praying and asking God to bring us along with them. Our kids started praying for it. Jennifer:Every day. Aaron:At Bible time, I'm like, "Who would anyone like to pray?" First prayer, God give mommy a baby. Then Elliot just came up randomly, me and you were talking this morning, just about the day, and I can't remember what we were talking about. He just comes over and puts his hands on both of us and looks at us and starts praying for a baby. We're like, okay, I guess you guys want a baby. Jennifer:That's just been going on a week. Aaron:We will see if you guys get an announcement at some point this year about a baby. Jennifer:Stick around if you want to hear it announced on the podcast. Aaron:You will hear about it if that happens. Jennifer:We shall see. Aaron:For this topic, transforming your marriage, it's hard to say that. Transforming. Jennifer:No, it's get better together, or what'd you say? Aaron:Yeah, let's do this together. Get better together. Transforming your marriage together. We wanted to bring up some ideas, and we actually have seven of them for you. What inspired this idea for you, Jennifer? You kind of wrote down some of these ideas that we've been building off of. Jennifer:Yeah. Well, the initial just idea of, hey, let's talk about transformation for a minute. Marriage came because of a conversation that we had back in December. I was having a hard time dealing with desiring change and wanting change, and being frustrated over things not changing, Aaron:Which also has been the theme for this whole month. Jennifer:Yeah, yeah. I remember calling you, and we were having a conversation about, well, I was letting my emotions out and you, you're being a good listener. Then you said, "Let's transform together. Let's be transformed together," or something like that. Aaron:Yeah. Well, because you felt like you couldn't. I don't know how to do this. I can't do this. That's why we've been talking about this in various aspects throughout this month, but we all feel that way. That's why I shared it. I feel like there's things in my life that I can't break out of either, that I can't change. Then I was just saying, "Well, we have to be transformed."That's the only way we have true change in our life is if there's a transformation. We can't be the same person but act differently. We can't be the same in the same place and yet be in a different place. We have to change. We have to move. Jennifer:I think the tension of the agony in all of our lives when it comes to transformation is we're on one side where we desire the change, because we're frustrated over the results and things happening because of where we're at ... Aaron:The consequences of where we're at. Jennifer:We also know that to get to the other side of change, it just requires a lot. Aaron:It's painful. Jennifer:It's painful, and it's hard to make those changes and those habits, and redefining rhythms and routines, and things that will help make all of that happen. Aaron:I think an encouragement also about transformation, because it's easy to say, we got to be transformed. It's like, well, yeah. How? I think the first step, and it's something that we've been trying to reiterate, is that first of all, we can change. If there's areas in our lives that we don't like, or that we know God wants change in us, we have the ability to, because God's putting his spirit. He's put his spirit in us. It's not impossible, and they feel that way, but the reality is we, are being transformed.Like we said in the beginning of this episode, all of us are being transformed into something. Either we're being lazy or we're being lax, and we're being transformed into something that we don't want because we're just letting it happen, or we're following God, we're putting our eyes on him. We're seeking first his kingdom. We're letting his spirit work in us. We're not fighting it, and we're being transformed into his likeness. Jennifer:The lie is that we're stuck. Aaron:The lie is that we can't change the lies is that there, that we are what we are. Jennifer:We're here in our heads. We'll never change. That's what I was getting stuck in, is like, no, I'm never going to change. You see yourself one way, and it gets really hard to see yourself in a new way. Aaron:Yeah. Believing that we can, like you said, but then also believing what God says and believing that he has something for us. Jennifer:The reason why we wanted to bring this up to you today for those listening is because we kind of had this conversation going on in our marriage, and we know that we're not the only ones who have struggled with desiring change in marriage, or in parenting, or in life, in so many different areas of life. We want to encourage you guys, if you're in that place of desiring change and transformation, we hope that today encourages you.Maybe what we share, not every single bit of it will stick with you or be something that you feel like you need to work on, but I'm sure there's at least one or two. Aaron:Well, and the point is, there's this saying that it says, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Well, if you think about the whole thing, you're like, it can. The goal is taking that next step, just moving forward, asking God, saying, "God, help me get to the whatever the next footprint is." Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:Not trying to look at the goal a thousand miles away and saying, "I can never get there." Just realize there's a journey that we're all on. We hope you feel the grace and the mercy that God's been showing us is that it's okay that we're on this journey, and that we sometimes don't know what we're doing. Transformation and change feels hard because it is, actually. We all can do it because we have Christ. Jennifer:We're going to share seven ways that you can transform your marriage with your spouse. Some of these are practical, some of them are just good old fashioned truth from the Bible. We hope that these stick with you guys and encourage you toward that change you've been yearning for. Aaron:A lot of these things are things that we ourselves have recognized helped us or will help us as we have been trying to implement them more. It's not like we've just came up with these for you. This is things that work for us too. Jennifer:Our experience. Aaron:This first one, I've mentioned it so many times in other episodes, but it works so well for you, Jennifer, but it also works really well for me. Jennifer:For us. Aaron:For us. Jennifer:We get to see it together. Aaron:What is it? It's write it out. It's very practical. The idea is write it out. This first one ... Jennifer:Not ride, write it out. Aaron:Not ride it out. That is a good tip, actually. Just get through. No, write it out, W-R-I-T-E. There's something really powerful about writing things down. Jennifer:We've kind of been doing it all week with the growth spurt, if people have been following along. Aaron:We got our own cards out. The fact that I wrote it down and put it on the refrigerator ... Jennifer:Makes you think about it every day. Aaron:I see it, and I realize I'm like, oh man, I'm not following through with that thing that I said I'm going to do. I'm looking at the clock right now actually. The thing I wrote down was I'm going to be in bed by nine, and I did it last night just about. Jennifer:You're not supposed to talk about it yet. Aaron:Sorry. Jennifer:That's the notes on there for later. Aaron:Yeah. Okay. Jennifer:You guys have to listen to the rest of the episode today to hear more. Yeah, I'm going to cut you off. Aaron:The idea behind this is meet together to write down some goals you have for your marriage. Jennifer:Sometimes we don't even know what it is that we want to change into or be transformed in unless we get it out of our hearts, get it out of our heads and see it on a piece of paper. You go, "Oh yeah, that's what it is. That's what I want." Aaron:These actually, they could be large goals, but something things that are practical, especially when you start talking together, you start realizing like, oh, there's some disparaging thing. Well, you have this goal and I have this goal. How can we meet in the middle? How can we figure that out? What's awesome about that is you figure that out. Jennifer:Compromising. Aaron:Yeah, compromising. Then also finding out, well, what are some large goals we have that we can write down and shoot for that might take years? What are some short term or smaller goals that we can start focusing on now? Jennifer:It sounds like more though, that's more for a couple who wants to dream together. If this whole episode is about transforming your marriage, we're talking more relational goals here. Aaron:Relationship, home life, spiritual walk goals. Goals. You can also break them up, goals for your walk with God, maybe individually and together; goals for your marriage. What do you want your marriage to look like? What do you want to represent? What do you want people to say about your marriage? What do you want to show to your kids in your marriage?Then the next one would be goals for your family. What do you want your family to look like? Represent? How do you want it to operate? For us, we've talked about this. We used to do bible time very consistently every day. A goal for us would be like, "Hey, let's get back to that consistency of doing Bible time every day throughout the week." Jennifer:Then asking each other, "What's the best time to do that?" That's where that compromise comes in of like, okay, well, for me, it'd be this time and let's work that out. I also want to just add right here that my encouragement would be, don't go list 25 ways you want your marriage to improve.Pick one or two, because you want something that you can work towards and feel good about when you're actually feeling the success of it, when you're feeling the change coming and you're making those decisions. If you overwhelm yourself with a lofty list, then your mind and heart's going to freak out because it's going to be hard. Aaron:Yeah. Some of the ways, I just want to mention one more thing. When we write these things down, you kind of said a second ago, it gets things that we may not know how to verbalize them in the moment, or they're things that just have dwelled in our hearts. Maybe those things have turned into anxiety or frustration or bitterness, because we don't see them happening, but they're also never being voiced in a real tangible way.It gives it a place to live. It makes it from this internal secret thing to a real life thing that can be looked at, evaluated, calculated, remembered, and even held accountable to, because it exists. Jennifer:Also just to add to that list, a repetition of seeing it helps you remember about it. There's so many things that we've talked about, and then it's like, once we've talked about it's gone and you forget so easily. Yet if you write it down and you see it constantly, in that repetition, you're forming that memory in your brain to be on it. Aaron:A couple of things this does for you in your marriage. If you guys plan a night to sit down, maybe it's at a date night, which is often when Jennifer and I do it, or after the kids go to bed, or in the morning after breakfast. I don't know, whatever works for you guys. You guys start getting into a habit of planning things together. Hey, we're going to do this together now. It's like, it's not just, oh, let's hang out and talk. It's a let's be specific and focused. It also gives you an opportunity to figure out life together.Now, you're building this bond of like, hey, let's talk about things that are important to us and what that looks like. The third thing is it brings accountability. Like we said, Bible time. Jennifer, you look at me, you're like, "Hey, remember we decided we're going to do bible time?" Jennifer:Oh yeah. Aaron:I'm like, "Yes." Then I stop what I'm doing because she knows that's the moment that we would do it. I sit down. Now we can help each other because we made that agreement together. We wrote these things down together. Now that bond and that commitment is all really good stuff that happens in your marriage. Jennifer:Let me ask this question, if that's all really good, especially if you're on the same page and there's unity and oneness toward working towards some of these things. Let's say you are listening right now, but Aaron, I'm posing this to you. If you're as a listener and you're thinking, okay, well me and my spouse, we're not quite there yet, and I don't know if we'll be able to have that conversation. Is it something you could do individually, separate? Aaron:Well, if ... Jennifer:For a time while the Lord's working on both of you. Aaron:Yah, maybe there's a relationship where it's not as tight and maybe that wouldn't be this season right now, they're not going to be sitting down and writing goals together. Yeah, absolutely. Again, we believe in the Holy Spirit. We believe in what God tells us. A wife or husband, if you're the one wanting to do this, I would say start, your planning and goal setting should be a regular prayer for your spouse.Lord, help me to grow in my love for them. Lord, help them transform into the man or the woman that you have made them to be. Seeing look more like these prayer goals for your spouse who maybe not be on the same page with you to be drawn into it more. Jennifer:That's good. Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:All right. This next one, we're on number two. We're only on number two. Number two, how to transform your marriage. We're going to take it back to Sunday school. Okay, guys. It's because, if we're honest, we don't always operate this way. Aaron:No. We want others to, but we don't. Jennifer:Okay. Number two is the golden rule. Aaron:Yeah. If we can incorporate the golden rule into our marriage, into our life, oh, man. It would literally would change everything. Jennifer:You're saying. Intentionally do it like it. Well, because we do probably generally think about this at some point, but maybe not. I don't know. Aaron:The golden rule. If you don't know it, Matthew seven 12, Jesus says, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them for this is the law and prophets." Jennifer:Okay, so question. Do you operate in this with me? Aaron:I would say I try to on a regular basis, but I would say the times that I don't is not good. Jennifer:Yeah. That's kind of where I land. We need to be better at this. Okay. Aaron:Often, the way my kids put it, because the way they hear this is I'm going to do to them as they do to me. I'm like, "That's not what it says." Often that's what we do. We do. You did this, so I'm going to do it. Jennifer:We just mirror everybody. Aaron:Instead of breaking that cycle and saying, "Oh, I'm not going to do that thing because I wouldn't want it done to me." If we just applied this rule more regularly, if we looked at our life and said, "I'm going to commit, Lord, you helping me to do unto my wife as I would wish her to do unto me," man, it would change everything. If I treated you the way I wanted to be treated, if I don't want you to be harsh to me, then I should be gentle to you, right?I'm going to treat you. I want you to be gentle. I'm going to be gentle. If I wouldn't want you to lie to me, which I don't know anyone who would want someone to lie to them, then I shouldn't lie to you even about little things. It keeps going. If I'm going to want to be pursued by you ... Jennifer:You were going to see by someone else. Aaron:I know. I don't know why I was going to say that. If I want to be pursued by you, then I should pursue you. Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:If I want to be encouraged, then I should be encouraging. I should encourage you as much as I would want to be encouraged by you. The point is, whether or not you do it to me, that's what I would want, so I should treat you that way. Jennifer:Galatians five 13 through 14 says, "For you're called to freedom brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another, for the whole law is fulfilled in one word. You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Aaron:If we love each other the way we want to be loved, if I love you as myself, which in marriage you are myself, that's what the Bible teaches, we're one. I'm actually fulfilling the law and it continues on, and it says, "I would never steal from you if I love you. I would never lie to you if I love you. I would never murder you if I love you." You don't break the law. When you love someone, you're actually fulfilling all of the law in it.If we treat each other, golden rule, the way we want to be treated, there'll be so much more joy and peace and power and forgiveness in all the things that we want because we're doing it. Even if only one person's doing it, you're getting 50% more of it than you were before. Jennifer:Right. All right, moving on to number three. Should we say it together? Aaron:Okay. One, two, three. Jennifer:If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Aaron:If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's really funny, because it's been our whole life here, right? Jennifer:Yeah. I'm sure everybody. Aaron:My parents always saying that. We always said something not nice. Jennifer:Even still, there's times we want to speak our minds. Aaron:Often, we get angry, we're hurt, and we think that gives us the right to say angry and hurtful things to our spouse. Maybe some of you don't, but we have when we feel justified. Jennifer:I was going to say, because the things that I don't mean to hurt you or be mean, I think I'm just stating the obvious or observing something, or saying something that's true. The way that I'm saying it or ... Aaron:Well, it's the heart and the intention and then the purpose behind it is what's not nice. I was saying critiques are good, this note I put here. When they're brought constructively, so like you said ... Jennifer:Well, not in the middle of an argument. Aaron:Well, and with the purpose of constructive criticism and love, and like you said, not in the middle of I'm mad at you, and therefore, boom. Jennifer:Right. Here's another one. Aaron:We've done it and we do it. If we can practice holding our tongues, meaning being quiet, not saying the thing that comes to our top of our mind when we're in the middle of a heated argument, or we're hurt or frustrated, is so much more fruitful than just letting it out. Jennifer:This is a really big one for making transformation happen in your marriage, because you listed a practical and an action, where it is how you treat each other, but the tongue, you hear that over and over and over again. The things that you say to your spouse, they are not easily forgotten, and they bring up ... Aaron:Especially if your spouse repeats them often, because that could happen. Becoming an echo chamber, here's things that I'm going to continue to say. Sometimes it comes from a heart of I just want, and you've said this, I have to say something because I feel like if I don't, they're not going to change. They won't ... Jennifer:You won't know. Yeah. Aaron:... Deceive that thing. Jennifer:Yeah. All I'm saying is even though it's a small part of our body, our tongues are so powerful. What's that proverb where it talks about the tongue brings life or death? It builds up a home or tears it down. Aaron:He who loves it, eats it, eats up its fruit or something like that. Jennifer:Yeah. We should have put that note in here, but seriously, we could have a great day. We could be treating each other well. We could be hitting our goals, but if we don't practice self-control with our tongues, or thinking before we speak ... Aaron:Well, and to be honest, silence is often better than saying the thing that you want to say. Jennifer:Not the silent treatment, that's different. Aaron:Not the silent treatment. Yeah. Not saying silent as a weapon, but holding your tongue as a form of love. Jennifer:Being slow to speak love. Aaron:Yes, slow to speak and quick to listen is what the Bible says. There's a verse that should put some fear in us about how we talk to each other. It's in Galatians five 15. It's actually the continuation of verse you just read. It says, "But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another."This idea of are we walking in the flesh so much with each other, the way we communicate with each other, the way we talk to each other, and we're not loving our neighbors ourself, we're not loving our spouse as we love ourself, we're not doing unto others as we'd have them do unto us, that it turns into this biting and devouring of one another. Jennifer:Like a cycle of just going back and forth. Aaron:I feel like we've brought this up before, but when we are talking this way, even in an argument, we're chipping away at ourselves, because we're one. We're chipping away our teammanship, our unity, our oneness, and our love. Being quiet is so much better than letting it out. Okay, number four. Stop being easily offended. Jennifer:This was a huge one for us. We started out this list by telling you guys this list was based off of our own experience and what we walk through. Aaron:Things that we're actually trying to walk through, yeah. Jennifer:When we came to this realization that, "Hey, we're actually being really easily offended. We need to stop doing this," it was a game changer. Aaron:Really was. This is actually one of the attributes of love. Love is patient, love is kind, and then it says, "Love is not irritable or resentful." Irritable means easily frustrated, easily offended, like bothered. It's like this. It's an oversensitivity. Jennifer:You walk past me, and you've done something that I disagree with or it's frustrating, or you do something differently than how I would do it, and I just respond. I just snap. Aaron:You snap. Yeah. Jennifer:I huff under my breath and I'm just irritated by you. Aaron:A good way of looking at this is when we make people feel like they have to walk on eggshells, that old idiom that says like, oh, I have to tippy toe. If I just slightly crack that little egg over there, you're going to like freak out on me. Jennifer:Another way this happens is by, if one of us wants to share something, and we say it the wrong way, or our intention is well, and we feel like it needs to be said, but the other person is just easily offended, they can't even hear what's being said, because they're just resistant to hearing. That's happened before. Aaron:I think we become easily offended when we get stuck in a place of loving ourselves more than we love our spouse. Jennifer:That's good. Yeah. Aaron:What that means is I love myself so much that I don't want you to step on my toe, or hurt my feelings, or say something that's going to bother me, or do something that I'm embarrassed by, or anything that's going to make me feel uncomfortable or inconvenienced or you name it. Jennifer:Yeah. The question in the head goes, why aren't you doing X or Y or Z? Aaron:For me. Jennifer:For me, yeah. Aaron:You did this thing against me, and now I am feeling this way, or it comes from a place of insecurity. You're ashamed or guilty, or you feel a certain way about yourself. We take that out on our spouse. We make them want them to be at fault for how we feel. Jennifer:Like projecting our feelings. Aaron:Yeah. There could be so many other reasons for this. We're not psychologists, but ... Jennifer:I could say one thing. When you're not abiding in the word and you're not walking with Christ, our flesh gets irritated. Aaron:Easily, yeah. Jennifer:Bothered. We get selfish. We get all kinds of pride. That's just another way. Sorry, go ahead. Aaron:No, but if we truly love, we will not be irritable or resentful. Always having it out for our spouse, like, "Oh, they always are this way with me." A good place to start with this is again, going back to that, writing it down, maybe having, writing down, "Hey, we're going to work on not being easily offended," and then reminding each other in those moments of a quick irritation, a quick offense.Why'd you do that? Why'd you say that to me? Reminding each other that we're working on it? "Hey, remember, we're working on not being easily offended?" Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:If I bothered you, let's talk about it, but let's not be easily offended, and then going back and forth. I think that's a really good place to start. Jennifer:I just want to add, if you're listening right now and there's been tension in your marriage for any reason, start here. Make this one your number one. Aaron:That's good. Jennifer:Yep. Aaron:Number five. This is going to be a hard one for some people and a really good one for some people: more romance and more sex. Jennifer:Okay, Aaron. Aaron:Okay. I could have said more intimacy. That's what I originally wrote. Then I wanted to be more specific because the wife's going to see intimacy one way and the husband's going to see it another way. Really ... Jennifer:I think we all get it though. Aaron:We need both romance and sex. We need the blessing of what both of those bring to our marriage, both the physical and the emotional. That's kind of how I categorize this. Romance is more of the emotional intimacy, that connection, and then the physical is that sex. It's the physical connection where two are becoming one and the bodies are connecting. They're both necessary, both needed, and we shouldn't do one and not the other. Jennifer:Yeah. Anytime we've intentionally focused on this area of our life and just made it kind of a focus for us, it's blessed us. It's helped us. Aaron:Always. Yeah. Jennifer:It's made our relationship feel more full. We feel more unified. We feel more connected. We feel more interested in each other. Don't you feel like that? Aaron:Well, the desire grows the more we work on these areas, the more we want them in our life. I don't know if you've noticed, but the order I put these in is for a reason. They're writing it down. You could take each one of these things and start putting these down as relational goals. Jennifer:That's good. Aaron:Then they're visible. The doing into others, so treating your spouse the way you'd want to be treated. If I want my wife to be more physical and more in interested in me in that way, then I'm going to do things that would be loving to her, massages and other types of physical intimacy that she appreciates and desires. Jennifer:I see. Not being easily offended has to be taken care of before you jump into this next one. Aaron:Exactly. Jennifer:Got it. You should have corrected me when I said you should make number three, your number one. I didn't know you put these in order like that. Aaron:Well, I did because this is actually an area where being easily offended always gets in the way. If we have easy offenses ... Jennifer:Makes it so much harder to get there. Aaron:If I'm desiring one thing, and you can't give that to me for whatever reason, you're tired, long day, sore, painful, whatever, and I'm easily offended by that, rather than loving you and being patient and it messes things up and vice versa. Yeah, I did put these in an order because they matter on some sense to work on each one of these areas in little ways. They will all benefit each other. Romance, I just wanted to pull out some ideas for this section that the ... Jennifer:You're going to give them ideas? Aaron:Emotional intimacy. It's this feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. That's the definition, in search of romance. It's a quality or a feeling of mystery, excitement, a remoteness from everyday life. Jennifer:I like that. It's cool. Aaron:It doesn't have to be this big extravagant thing. How can you just make the moment with your spouse special? Jennifer:Special. Yeah. Aaron:Different. Take them away from that ordinary just for a moment. That could be a going on a walk. It could be bringing something home that's like, "Hey, I thought about you today." That's an excitement. You actually like that when I, like a simple thing, I call you up and I say, "Do you want an iced tea?" Jennifer:I love it. That's awesome. Aaron:You're like, "Oh," awesome because that's out of the ordinary. I'm not always grabbing an iced tea, but you felt thought of. Then you get a special treat out of it. It kind of breaks up the day. Jennifer:I do love that so much, and it makes me feel so good to feel thought of in a special way that you know me, that you know what I would like, and it just affirms my heart and my love, and makes me feel like you're thinking of me, which is good. It's good for us to recognize those times that our spouse goes out of the box. Aaron:Goes out of their way to ... Jennifer:Go out of their way to ... Aaron:To try these things. Try be more romantic and exciting and different. Jennifer:When they do it to affirm them and use your words and say, "I really appreciated that," or, "I really love that." The more we affirm each other in those ways of being that we want to see more of, they'll continue to happen. Aaron:Yeah. Jordan Peterson as a quote says, "Don't ever punish behavior you want repeated." Even if I don't follow through with or do something in the way that you might want, there's been times I've brought you iced tea that you don't like, because you have a taste for certain types of teas, but I didn't know that. Then I learned it. You could have taken the opportunity to punish me for and be like, "This is what you got me. I hate this." Jennifer:Oh, got you. Aaron:You could be like, "What? This was so thoughtful. Just for future, this isn't my favorite tea, but I'm so happy that you did that for me." Jennifer:I think that's what I did. Aaron:That's what you did. I thought, oh, thank you. I didn't know that, because I actually didn't. Now when I get you tea or do something, I think, oh, where would she like me to get tea? Jennifer:That's awesome. Aaron:It also has taught me to ask you for future, "Hey, where's your favorite place to get this?" Jennifer:It's like a get to know me. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Aaron:Don't punish those behaviors you want repeated, even if it doesn't happen the way you want, the way you expect, but affirm it and encourage it, so that it happens more from your spouse on both sides. Jennifer:I like that you kind of broke romance and physical intimacy into separate kind of categories here, because romance is so much more of that connectedness and ... Aaron:That emotional connection. Jennifer:It's so important. It's an important part of marriage, but so is physical intimacy. I think it's really important for us to remember that our spouses need us. It's weird that I put that in the plural, just ... Aaron:Our spouses. Jennifer:Our spouse needs us and we have needs. Being there for one another and being willing to make the effort and put our hearts and our minds toward that is ... Aaron:Oh, we're talking about the physical side now. Jennifer:Yeah, yeah. In the physical, just as much as the romance are connected side of things. Aaron:Yeah. I wanted to bring up on the physical side of things, because I know that this is a huge area of struggle in a lot of marriages. It was a huge one for us for many years. It's only been in the last handful of years that it's been getting so much better. We've been growing and getting excited about these things and praying about it more. First and foremost, it's a powerful gift. Physical intimacy, sex is a powerful gift from God given to husbands and wives. It really is.We have to change our minds about that. Talking about transformation, we need our minds changed for true transformation to happen. If we can change our mind that sex is a good thing, because I know many people see sex as a bad thing, or a hurtful thing, or something that they don't enjoy. Jennifer:Stressful thing. Aaron:Yeah. It can be all of those things. If we start reminding ourselves and thinking, no, this is a good thing. This is a gift, that'll change a lot of things. Also, it's a command. First Corinthians seven, three, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. On both sides, it doesn't just say the wife to her husband only, as if every situation is always, the husband needs it more than the wife, because that's not true. There's some situations where it's totally different with the wife and the husband, but it says to both.In other places, it says that her body is not her own. It is yours. Your body is not your own, it is hers. Just reiterating this, the power and the truth behind your oneness. You are one body and you cannot control it and use it and as a weapon. Not only is it a gift, but it's also a command. There's some actual really awesome benefits to sex.If you didn't know this, it helps relieve stress and anxiety. I know sex might gift some people anxiety, and I pray for you that you would, like we said, have a transformation in your mind about this. It does biologically relieve stress and anxiety. The hormones that get released in your body do that. Jennifer:It also helps your immune system. Aaron:It does. Those same hormones that help with relieving stress and anxiety helps boost your immune system. Also, when you have less cortisol in your body, that's the stress hormone, you get sick less because cortisol can actually make you, it weakens your immune system. It helps your immune system. It also brings pleasure and excitement. That's just such a good thing. Jennifer:Joy, yeah. Aaron:We need that in our marriage. We need that connection and that pleasure more. Most importantly, sex reinforces closeness and oneness. Jennifer:Yeah. Speaking of oneness, you brought up earlier, just briefly not using sex as a tool or a weapon, and then you kind of just kept on going. I just want to go back to that really quick. I think sometimes, we don't even realize when we are withholding our bodies from each other because of being easily offended, or thinking that they're not thinking of us. Aaron:Well, they haven't given me what I want yet. Jennifer:There is a list of things that could possibly motivate someone to kind of close themselves off and be guarded. When you say weaponize, and you say using your body as a tool, that's what you're talking about, right? Yeah. Aaron:If you use it in a negative way, it becomes a weapon. Jennifer:It also becomes a roadblock to moving forward, to experience reconciliation and connectedness. Aaron:This is not the kind of transformation we want when we do this, but when we are more free with each other and open with each other in this way. It's good. Now, that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any times that you're like, "Hey, can we forego tonight?" Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:Again, that goes back to the communication, and that goes back to goal setting together and also ... Jennifer:Considering one another. Aaron:Yeah, considering one another, treating each other as we'd like to be treated. Again, there's an order. Okay. Jennifer:What's next in your order, Aaron? Aaron:Invest in your marriage. Okay. I think this sounds obvious, but ... Jennifer:How much money do you have to ... Aaron:Exactly. Well, just having it's almost like if you were to invest in your education, invest in this business, taking one of the most important things in your entire life, and are we ... Jennifer:You're elevating it. Aaron:Are we investing in it? Jennifer:You're saying this is a priority. This is what I'm going to put my effort and my energy and my resources and everything I've got towards, because this matters. Aaron:Investment means I'm going to spend time and money and energy. I'm going to invest. When you invest in your marriage, you're going to get some of the greatest returns you can ever think of. Jennifer:Generational. Aaron:Yeah. You're going to get returns for a long time with your children, because they're going to look back on your marriage and be like, "Wow, my parents, they invested in each other. They loved each other. They weren't perfect, but man, they tried hard." Jennifer:Because of that kind of example, when they get married, they will have the same fortitude and excitement around investing in their marriage. Aaron:At least that's the goal, right? Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:I want my kids to have the same desire. Jennifer:What are some ways we can invest? Aaron:Something we did a long time ago when we were going through some of our hardships, actually, wasn't it right at that end point of things changing for us? Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:We went to a marriage retreat, and there's marriage retreats all over the country. Jennifer:We went to Family Lives Weekend to Remember ... Aaron:Which are awesome. Jennifer:It was actually really cool, because we kind of rededicated our marriage, and our purpose, and everything that we had been walking through just submitted it to God and said, "We're going to keep going." Aaron:You could try Weekend to Remember. That's a family life event. That's a good one. There might be one going on at your church and you don't even know about it. Just look at if you have a pamphlet or a website, or you can Google it. There's a lot of, we'd suggest a Christian marriage retreat, but marriage retreats, that's one really good way to invest in your marriage. What's another one? Jennifer:Reading books together or individually, and just kind of sifting through the notes. Aaron:Talking about them. Jennifer:Talking about them, but there are a lot of marriage books out there. Aaron:Yeah. Do we know any marriage books specifically? Jennifer:No, actually. Marriage After God is one that I would recommend. We have a couple of marriage books if you want to look on our store. Aaron:A few more than a couple, but ... Jennifer:Some devotionals, some prayer books that you guys could do together, which is awesome. Aaron:You can go to shop.marriageaftergod.com to look at everything we have to offer. Jennifer:There's a lot of other good books too, Meeting a Marriage, See Through Marriage, by [inaudible 00:41:35]. Aaron:Sacred Marriage was a really good one. Jennifer:By Gary Thomas. Aaron:Get into books. If you're like me, I like audiobooks. I can consume them quicker, I can also retain them better. Jennifer:I am not an audio person. I have to have the tangible, I can't even do digital. I have to have the book that I can curl the pages back. Aaron:I know. I love something to read too, but also this creates another thing to talk about and to share with each other in growing your marriage, so you're not just investing in what you're consuming, but also what you're discussing with each other. Gives you things to talk about also, which is really good. Regularly planned date nights. Jennifer:Or even double date nights. Go out with another couple, and you'll notice you guys can start talking about marriage. All of a sudden, you don't feel so alone in some of the things you're wrestling in, because ... Aaron:I think we've brought this up in 80 episodes, talking about date night. We say it so often because it's something that we dedicated it to several years ago, how many? Maybe five or six years ago? Jennifer:It was after we had Wyatt, Oliver Wyatt. Aaron:We realized there was a while that had gone by and we're like, "Man, when's the last time we went on a date with each other?" We just put it on the calendar every week, and we figure out a babysitter, and we planned it. Now, that didn't mean we went every week, but just the fact that it was on the calendar, again, the fact that we wrote it down, meant it happened way more often than it would've if we didn't.Investing in that way. Since this is under investing in your marriage, we've talked about in the past that it doesn't have to be something where you go out or spend money. I would say make this an intentional investment of I want to go do something special, even if it's not every time. Jennifer:Catch each other by surprise. Aaron:Yeah. Set a reservation at a restaurant you guys don't go to often. Go throw axes at your local ax throwing place if you have one. Jennifer:Get fast food and go do an activity like some, I don't know, ride bikes or something. Aaron:Invest in a way that's different than normal, if you can. Maybe you have to save for it a little bit, and that's okay. That actually makes it more special. Jennifer:Another way that you can invest in your marriage is find out if your church has a marriage group. Something that really, really affected our marriage in a positive way was the church. Aaron:Probably, I think we often attributed it to saving our marriage. Jennifer:Yeah. We were going to a church back in, I think this is our third year of marriage? We were in California, and they had a marriage group. You came to me and you were like, "Hey, we're going to go. It's on Wednesday night." Aaron:It was terrifying. Jennifer:You need to be there. You need to show up. That was a really dark time for me, and I was resistant toward going and didn't want to do it, but you encouraged us and said, "This is what we need to try." We showed up, and it was scary. There was a lot of people there. When we sat at the table and we started hearing the marriage stories coming up, it was actually really beautiful. Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:Very eye-opening and it had a lot of purpose. You just got to do it. If your church has one, go for it. Aaron:If they don't have one ... Jennifer:Go find one. Aaron:... You should ask them to start one. Jennifer:Yeah. Aaron:You never know. There might be 20 other couples that have asked, and they'll finally be like, "Oh, we should start a marriage ministry." Jennifer:Number seven is, is this the last one? Aaron:This is the last one. Jennifer:See your spouse and yourself through Christ's eyes. I mentioned this in a previous episode, I think one or two back. It's really important that we are able to do this. The only way we can do it is if we know Christ. Aaron:Yeah. It also, again, this changes everything. Going back to what you talked about earlier also of what if there's a couple that aren't on the same page? Maybe one's not a believer. Maybe they're going through some really hard things and it's hard to connect. When we can look at our spouse through Christ and say, "Wow, okay, Lord," like we talked about, I think an episode or two ago about them having a brotherly love, a sisterly love, of seeing them in that way. Maybe it doesn't feel like they're my spouse right now because of this or that, because of this pain, because of that hurt.Man, I'm going to try and see them the way Christ does. I'm going to try and love them the way Christ loves them, and stop looking at them from an earthly fleshly point of view of all of the things that you did wrong. Jennifer:Critical. Aaron:All of the things that need to change. Jennifer:I feel like when you look through Christ's eyes, there's like this lens of grace that you could just see not who they are in their sin, but who they are because of the blood of Christ, and what he's done, and become a a new creation in him, and to hope for transformation in their life. Aaron:Yeah. Here's what it says in two Corinthians five 16 through 19. It says, "From now on, therefore we regard no one according to the flesh." This is essentially what we're talking about here. Let's stop regarding each other according to flesh, and let's start regarding each other according to the Spirit, according to what Christ did and who Christ is. Then it says, "Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold the new has come."All this is from God, who through Christ, reconciled us to himself, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. That is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Instead of seeing only the flesh, only the sin and the mistakes, and the shortcomings, and the frustrations, and the hurts, we see the one who Christ died for. We see the one Christ shed his blood for. We see the one Christ as reconciling to the Father through his life, death, and resurrection. Jennifer:In our, it's 16 years, right? Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:16 years of marriage. Aaron:We just had that. Jennifer:There have been many times that we've had to intentionally see each other through Christ's eyes, because it's not something we tend to do on a daily basis, although we should, right? Aaron:Yeah. It's usually in those really hard times that we're like, ugh. Jennifer:Then everything just kind of falls flat on the floor and you're like, "Well, grace." That's what he is given to us. Aaron:In our testimony that you share in the Unbuild Wife book, that's essentially what happened. We were on the verge of just being done, calling it quits. I felt the Lord telling me, "Are you going to forgive your wife? Are you going to love her as I did?" He just reminded me of who he is.It made it impossible for me to, because I was either going to say, "No, I'm not going to look at her like that, and I'm over it," or I was going to say, "No, Lord, I love you and I'm going to try and see her that way." Jennifer:Yeah. Some of you listening right now, I just want to encourage you, you may be in a place where you need to pray and ask God to give you those eyes to see through Christ's lens. You might need to pray for that because ... Aaron:We have to. Jennifer:We have to. Aaron:I would say, because I can't do it without him. Jennifer:Yeah. We can't do it in our flesh. Yeah, all of us listening right now, we need to do that. Then I just wanted to ... we kind of summed up all the important stuff, right? Aaron:Yeah. Jennifer:I can move on. Aaron:You can. Jennifer:You guys know if you've been listening for a long time, I bring up memes from time to time, and I get stuck on social media in that way. I love those transformation videos where they show you the reel of pictures, where it's like, "This is who I was, but this is who I am." Aaron:Yeah, they're really powerful. Jennifer:A really huge weight change. That's what I'm thinking of right now is just like ... Aaron:Well, we've even seen ones of people that are being changed because of Christ, and they had how they were before, this party, and then all of a sudden, they're totally different. You're like, "Whoa." Jennifer:Yeah. The ones that I'm thinking of specifically are the weight ones and just how dramatic it is. They'll usually show bits and pieces of what it took to get there. Aaron:The progress. Jennifer:The progress, the working out. It just moves me, because I think you don't just get to be transformed. You have to be willing to put in the work. I just wanted to remind all of us that change can happen in us, like you mentioned earlier, through being passive and allowing influences in our life that change us, but we're not going to say that's for the positive. Aaron:Rarely. Jennifer:Rarely it is. Aaron:Accidentally change for the positive. Jennifer:Yeah. The powerful transformation that we are all eager to see in our lives and in our marriages comes from putting in the time, putting in the work, putting in the energy. It's being selfless, it's being sacrificial. It requires much, just like someone going through a weight loss journey and having to do muscle toning. You know that they did everything that they possibly could to get there. Aaron:Yeah. Well, the Lord puts it this way. We got to put to death our flesh. That's essentially what this process is putting behind us our flesh, and designing to walk in his spirit. The things that we brought up in this episode were hopefully just some practical things, but some things that we can actually do and try to do. We hope you enjoyed those. This is the last episode of this month. Jennifer:The last week of the month, where we're talking about this specific growth spurt. Is that what you're going to say? Aaron:Yes. Jennifer:This section of the podcast, we want to encourage you guys to take time to invest, like Aaron mentioned earlier ... Aaron:Write down. Jennifer:... In a personal way. Basically, this one covers everything. No. The goal here is to build trust with your spouse by doing what you say you will. Whatever commitments you've made, we want you to stick to them so that this is our encouragement. The way that we are encouraging that is by taking a post-it note, or a sheet of paper, or a three by five card, and just start with one.If you have more on there, that's great, but you still got a week left to do this. If you want to keep doing this past January, keep doing it. It's just one way that you can experience a maturity and transformation in your marriage. Aaron:Mine is, like I said ... Jennifer:Oh, yeah, we were going to talk about it. Aaron:... Mine's supposed to be in bed by nine. Jennifer:Look, the effort was there, and I just want to let it ... Aaron:It was on the refrigerator, and I even mentioned because we thought this was only going to take us 30 minutes to record. We're wrong. It's 10:19, and so I'm going to forgive myself today, and I'm going to try and be in bed by nine tomorrow. Jennifer:You've been doing great. I put on mine affirm the kids, and it's because as a mom and homeschooling, they're in the home all the time. They're with me all the time. I do a lot of correction and critique, and helping them in their life. Aaron:Yeah, mature. Jennifer:Figuring what mature and what's right and stuff. I just wanted to make sure that I was affirming them. It's like, I don't know. I don't know how things have been, so I just wanted to make sure that I was doing that. I put on mine, affirm the kids, and so I've been doing that. It's actually been really beautiful. I love seeing their eyes light up. It just feels good. Aaron:All right. I'm going to pray. Dear Lord, thank you for the change we have already experienced in marriage. We pray we would continue to see positive transformation on our relationship. We pray for more love, more peace, and more joy. Please help us to be intentional in the way we choose to interact in marriage every day. Holy Spirit, we ask you to help us to not be easily offended by each other. Show us areas of our marriage we can invest in and put the time and energy into making what we have even better.Please help us to see each other as you see us, and help us to hope for the change we desire to see. Thank you for our marriage, and thank you for the opportunities you've given us to make changes in our lives. We pray our marriages continue to mature and that it honors you. In Jesus' name, amen.     Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

This episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team, who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Deborah SWhitney SValerie BWe thank you so much for partnering with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by free marriage after god content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Also, if you choose to sign up at $20/month you can get a $50 gift card to our online store to purchase any of our books and resources. Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patronHow often have you had the intention to do something or change in some way, but in the end you don’t follow through? Whether it is a promise you have made to another, or even to yourself, words have power. And when we use our words to make commitments, we should take them seriously. Oftentimes we find it easy to make promises with our words but have no intention of following through, or find it difficult to keep that promise. Now, our vows may not always take the form of the words “I promise I will…” but instead may sound like “I’ll be there at 10,” or “I’ll pray for you,” Or “I am going to get up at 6 am and read my bible every day.” Many times, this leads to discrepancies between what we say and what we actually do. Scripture informs us to take care with our words and warns against taking oaths. James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. Matthew 5:37  Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil. Sometimes we may think our words are strong enough to get ourselves to do something, or we might even have the intention of following through, but our lives have become so chaotic that our capability to follow through is void. Other times, we might desire to look good in that specific moment, but have no real intention of following through. It is important that we evaluate ourselves honestly in these instances and consider our intentions and how our words impact others. As Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. When we are careless with our words, and make promises and commitments we do not have the capacity to follow through with, we often end up hurting those around us. Rather than attempting to please people in the moment, we should be prepared with practical things to say or do instead. For example, telling someone you cannot give an answer in the moment, that you need time to think about it, or even simply telling that person no is necessary because saying nothing is better than not keeping your word. Consider the instruction given in Ecclesiastes 5:4: When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. 5 It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. And in Ecclesiastes 5:2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. As followers of Christ, we must value our integrity and carry ourselves differently than the rest of the world. Our words should carry weight and truth, instead of serving to reinforce falsehoods about ourselves such as the lie that we can’t change. Ultimately, we may never be completely in control of our tongues, but we serve a God who never goes back on His promises. We can trust in His word, and His promises and what He has said. We can ask him to teach us. We can practice following through, perhaps even having consequences for our failure. We can practice saying “yes” or “no” instead of “maybe” or something else. We can remember although we are not perfect, we follow the one who is, and we can be a light to the world by staying true to our word.  The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do. — Rory Vaden Success comes from what you do, not from what you say you are going to do. — Larry Winget Do what you say you're going to do! People can do nothing but respect that. — Steve Harvey Dear Lord, Thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness, to do the things we say we are going to do, to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask You to transform this part of us. Give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies, our discrepancies, and our failure to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we are going to do. In Jesus’ name AMEN! TRANSCRIPTAaron:Hi, and welcome to Marriage After God. We're your host, Erin and Jennifer Smith. Being tongue-tied or twisted is one thing, but what happens when we intentionally use our tongue to cut deeply, to persuade for our benefit or to serve up half truths and blatant lies? In this episode, we are putting the spotlight on our tongues and considering the way we use our words.   Jennifer:Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. We try not to do ads, we don't have any ads and so we're trying to keep this show ad free. And one of the ways we do that is by people like our patrons who support us monthly financially.   Aaron:Another interesting thing that we'd love to do is highlight some of those patrons. So this week we are giving a shout out to Debra S, Whitney s and Valerie. B. Thank you guys so much for partnering with us and blessing tens of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.   Jennifer:If you've been blessed by the free marriage after God content that we create we'd love to invite you to join our patron team.   Aaron:Also, if you choose to sign up at $20 a month, you can get a $50 gift card to our online store. To purchase any one of our books and resources at your first renewal date,   Jennifer:Please visit marriage after god.com/patron, P A T R O N.   Aaron:All right, so everybody, even the listeners think right now cause we're in the first of the year, January still. What's something you're doing today excited about or something that's just new that you weren't doing this time last year or you didn't have this time last year?   Jennifer:Ours would be chickens, . Lots of chickens.   Aaron:Chickens.   Jennifer:We got 20 chickens. We talked about it a couple episodes. It's not a couple few episodes ago but with the price of eggs around the country right   Aaron:Now, it finally makes sense. Yeah.   Jennifer:Now it's like, yeah, this is a golden goose where we have these chickens laying golden eggs. Hold   Aaron:On. I have to say this. I have mentioned in the past that I find enjoyment in memes and those pictures with the writing on it. Mm-hmm. That tell jokes. I just, I'm a jokester. And so when we got these chickens, I was like, man, I really need to learn more about chickens. And so I went on Facebook and added all these chicken groups like Lo, some are local, some are not.   Jennifer:Oh, that's   Aaron:Funny. But because the price of eggs have gone up, everybody's posting these chicken memes and they're so funny.   Jennifer:Are they also posting eggs for like $20 a dozen?   Aaron:Oh, it's crazy.   Jennifer:But what's really cool is not only that we're getting eggs, they're not free. So I don't want anyone to think they're free because we still have to pay for the food and all the things. But I was going   Aaron:To say, we're putting in the work.   Jennifer:We're putting in the work, but we're getting lots of eggs. And what's awesome is we can share 'em with our friends and family. And so that's been pretty cool. And also it's been really neat to see the kids take on that responsibility.   Aaron:Even in the cold   Jennifer:They go and it's been cold. It's cold. So they go out, they feed 'em, they go out and olive of us always out there just holding the chickens. And we look out the window and she's just in the coop walking around with one of the chickens on her head. It's so funny and so cute. But with   Aaron:It being cold, I remember one time it was so early in the morning, maybe seven, and I could see her waving through the sliding glass door. She's over at the chicken run where she needs to get in to feed them. And she's waving her arms and I open the cider. It's like, oh what? What's up olive? And she goes, the lock is frozen shut.   Jennifer:Yeah, it does get frozen shut. Cause it's moisture on it and then it doesn't move. And they have to, I watch her, she watch takes 10 minutes to get the thing broken open,   Aaron:But they don't complain. And I really, it's really cool to see them grow up and it's going to be, take   Jennifer:Ownership everyone. It's worth it now. Cause we got all sorts of eggs. We, we've been trying to find ways of using the eggs because we have so many of 'em, but   Aaron:Lots of Dutch babies   Jennifer:And I just did some hard boiled eggs. And those are, Wyatt loves hard boiled   Aaron:Eggs. Something I do for You're not in a hurry. I hate to keep going. No,   Jennifer:Keep going. On eggs. Speaking of eggs, chickens   Aaron:And eggs. I was just going to bring up how bad of a baker I am. Not really, but I am just I'm You're good Baker. Hit or miss. Okay.   Jennifer:But well, baking is a science   Aaron:This year. Something I added to our homeschool curriculum is around the world tea. And we've invited our friends families over to do these tea parties in different cities around the world. And we have friends in our living   Jennifer:Room.   Aaron:It's just, yeah, we set up all the kids, set up the chairs so that it's like we're going on an airplane and I have passports for all the kids. It's really cute. But our friends, some of the friends have lineage in some of these cities around the world. And so our friends, Stan and Jessica, hi guys,   Jennifer:You guys get mentioned the most. Yeah. What're saying   Aaron:Have ties and lineage to Russia and we are going to go to Moscow. So we invited them and their kids over to do this. And I was like, okay, I'm going to go Google. What are some Russian teacakes or cookies or treats? And there's these things called, I'm going to not say the name, but it's called a Zuki   Jennifer:Suki   Aaron:Or something like that. Something like that. And it's, it looks like a bagel, but they're looks like a little smaller round kind of harder cracker thing's on the sweeter side. And I tried making them, and they're going to be here in an hour and a half, and I'm trying to roll out this dough and I've got it stuck to my hands. It's   Jennifer:Not working the way you expected it to. It's like sticky. Instead of it being like doughy.   Aaron:Oh my goodness. It was a mess. I was a wreck. And I'm like, Aaron, help. But   Jennifer:Although they didn't come out pretty, they tasted really good.   Aaron:The kids did like them. And I was bringing that up because I quite a few of them, I used eggs for it and it required an egg wash. And so we are trying to use the eggs, but I need better recipes. Just kidding. I need to be good in the   Jennifer:Kitchen. Bread, brownies, cookies. I'm just giving you ideas here. Okay, got it. Egg soup. So in episode one of this season, we talked about this word for the year, discrepancy.   Aaron:Oh, I didn't want to talk about that again. I   Jennifer:Know how there's a difference between who we want to be or should be and who we actually are.   Aaron:The reason I said that is because I'm personally working on working through this Well,   Jennifer:And we are together. It's   Aaron:A lot.   Jennifer:You got your own little journey   Aaron:Going on. I'm noticing it a lot. Yeah.   Jennifer:Where are you noticing it the most?   Aaron:That's   Jennifer:Discrepancy   Aaron:Currently with the kids and the way that I parent, which is not good. Just when I say one thing and then if they ask me again and again, I, I'll break down and give in and   Jennifer:They've just pegged you is what it is. They get me figured it out.   Aaron:And another one is a very specific one is coffee. And okay, what does that mean?   Jennifer:Explain the   Aaron:Coffee. I know it's so personal. I just don't feel great when I drink it, but there's this kind of craving I get for it. And so I end up   Jennifer:Telling no coffee, drinker listening, understands what you're talking about.   Aaron:I end up saying in my head or saying out loud to you, yeah, I'm not going to drink coffee for a while and the next morning I'm drinking coffee. makes no   Jennifer:Sense. What? No, you yeah. Say, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore because I don't feel good. And then the very next day, you're I here and I'm like, you just tell me she's not going to drink coffee   Aaron:Anymore. But here's the difference because we brought up this, that episode and because I'm working on this personally, I decided to start taking notes. And so I have a little in notes on your phone, I decided to make a note and I'm going to peek at that. I'm keeping track of all the times that it hits me and I'm like, oh, there's one. There's a discrepancy. So   Jennifer:The point is, the overarching theme often in our discrepancies is in our words. Like you said, I'm not going to, yeah.   Aaron:And then you do, because I did. I say one thing and I do the opposite.   Jennifer:So it comes in this form of we say something, our words have meaning and power, but we often find it easy to make a promise to say with our mouth, our words, but have no intention to follow through or find out. It's hard to keep that promise, to keep that word. Like you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore, but the next day when you are tired and you want the taste of the espresso, and so at that point you're confronted with your words. You're like, well, do I mean what I say? No, not this time.   Aaron:And these are things that we say or promises or commitments that we're saying to our spouse, kids, friends, maybe even more often than all of them is ourselves.   Jennifer:These words that we say that we aren't going to follow through or through with. Often it doesn't come in the form of, I promise I will. It's actually rarely that   Aaron:A declaration,   Jennifer:I mean in the beginning of the year we do resolutions. This is a form of that. Yeah, I'm going to be this year going to, but usually it sounds more like I'll be there in 10 minutes or I'll be leaving in five minutes, or I'll pray for you, or I'm going to stop drinking coffee, whatever. I'm going to get up 6:00 AM I'm going to read the Bible every day. I'll stop saying that, that we, there's things that we say,   Aaron:I added this one. I I'm going to avoid gluten   Jennifer:Because you're supposed to. Yeah not right now, but later. So what I'm saying is that I'll be there in 10 minutes, but it really, it's going to be 25 minutes   Aaron:Or longer.   Jennifer:So it's not always in the form of promise. We say things that we either can't or won't follow through on,   Aaron:Or maybe we are just not thinking it's not that big of a deal because I was joking when I said I put the one, I'm going to avoid gluten, even though I do know it's a big deal, I tell myself it's not that big of a   Jennifer:Deal. Yeah, I know this just once. What's this once?   Aaron:Or, I've been doing really good so it's fine.   Jennifer:Or I'll be home in like I said in a few minutes. But really it's longer than that. What happens every time we do that is it's just adding another little like, oh, that wasn't truth. That's not what you said. Everyone listenings, they have a list of these. They're like, oh, I, there's that thing that bothers me when they say one thing, they say this and then this is what happens. And it's a pattern. Before we move on to getting into this even deeper, I just wanted to ask, if you're loving these episodes, would you leave a review if you haven't done it yet? If you have left a review? We're so thankful for every single review that our listeners leave, we love reading them. And every time someone leaves a review, it helps boost the rankings for our podcast so more people can find it.   Aaron:So how often do we say we are going to do something or change in some way? But the moment we have that opportunity to follow through with it, we choose not to,   Jennifer:I think a lot   Aaron:More than we recognize. I mean, I'm only recognizing it because I'm keeping notes in my phone   Jennifer:And you're recognizing like, oh, this happened 12 times today. Not the one time that I was thinking of.   Aaron:I was talking with a girlfriend of mine recently and we were talking about parenting and how challenging it can be at times. And I was encouraging her that in those moments when our kids tell a lie or do something, they're not supposed to talk back or whatever. The thing is that they are tests that we get to as parents grade and correct. And we get to guide them toward the standard of character that we desire for them. But that's also mentioned in the Bible, and   Jennifer:You're raising that in that admonition of the Lord, the training.   Aaron:I was just telling her, these things are going to come. It doesn't mean your child's going to be a liar or someone who constantly steals. These are things that in the flesh we're tempted by. And as parents, we get the opportunity to guide them. And this is why we show them the way.   Jennifer:This is why we should have self-control.   Aaron:Right. But they're tests, and as I'm explaining this, I'm realizing even as an adult, like,   Jennifer:Oh, your opportunities,   Aaron:We still have opportunities that were being tested and the Lord's grading and correcting us. So I just thought that was   Jennifer:Yeah, well, it's had   Aaron:To do with what we're talking   Jennifer:About. Well, and it does because we say something, and often in scriptures, someone would vow something and then they would immediately be tested to see if they're going to follow through. Sometimes they had horrible consequences. And you can go read in the Old Testament some of these stories but this idea that God wants to know if we're going to be faithful to our words, but also knows that sometimes we can't. And that's something I wanted to encourage us later on in this, but   Aaron:Well before we get there, what are some examples from our own life? Is there anything specific that maybe   Jennifer:Yeah, I mean, you brought up your coffee. That's one that's, it's a small one, but it's a real one. It's something in the gluten, the gluten. For me lately, my kids have been wanting to go work out in the garage with us. So we have our gym out there and they ask, can we go work out? Can we, they want to go in the treadmill and they want want to do my row machine. And   Aaron:It's fu real quick. It's funny seeing their mentality shift from, they know they're growing up and now they want to do grown kids older things   Jennifer:And be part well and they want more time and they want to do what we do. And often they have more of a desire to go to the gym than I was going to say. This is a two-part example because being constant at out and haven't been at all. So I, I'm like, I'm going to be consistent and I'm not consistent. So my kids are more desiring and more consistent in wanting to work out than I am, which I think is funny. But they ask us, can you wake us up so we can go work out with you? And I'll tell them yes and then not follow through with it. And so there's times that they're like, I told them tomorrow morning and then things come up. So it's not that I just   Aaron:Work through that on here so that our listeners can hear. What are some of the reasons why you wouldn't wake them up?   Jennifer:Well, either I to didn't realize, but I had to leave early so I couldn't wake him up or I slept in myself because I was tired and so I didn't wake 'em up. Or   Aaron:We had a late night the night before and you think their sleep is more important.   Jennifer:And so I don't go wake them up. But I've been trying to, if I said I was going to do it, then the other day you're like, why don't you just go out right now? And it was like before bed. And I was like, okay. And we went out there for 35 minutes and we worked out as a family. It was really cool. So I'm trying, but those are things like another one Wyatt will say, will you snuggle me? And I will say maybe, or I don't or no, or not tonight or tomorrow, or I'll say tomorrow and then I don't follow through. So I'm trying to follow through on my words,   Aaron:Which I have seen. I know you're using these as examples for this episode, but I have seen you growing in this already making strides to make sure that you're following through with your word with them and it is fruitful. And I just wanted to affirm you in that. Thank you. I'm proud of you   Jennifer:And you have been trying to follow through on your words and I've been seeing it. And so I want to affirm you. Thank you. Now our listen is it's your turn to turn to   Aaron:Your spouse, spouse, spouse,   Jennifer:. You should maybe okay, let me read some scripture. James five. Wait,   Aaron:At minimum just shoot 'em a text.   Jennifer:Oh, that's easy. That's good.   Aaron:That's right now, yeah. Go pause this Kek resume.   Jennifer:All right, we're back. So James five 12, but above all my brothers do not swear either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath. But let your yes, be yes and your no be no. So that you may not be found under condemnation   Aaron:So that you may not fall under   Jennifer:Oh. So that you may not fall under condemnation. Thank you. And then Jesus, I mean Jesus said this first by the way, and then James repeats it in a different way in James chapter five. But in Matthew chapter five coincidentally, which I don't think this coincidences, but Jesus says, let what you say be simply yes or no. Anything more than this comes from evil.   Aaron:Do explain.   Jennifer:Well, I think God wants us and Jesus wants us to just people of our word. So we don't need to add anything to it. We don't need to proclaim anything to give more power or weight to our words. We just should. What gives the power to our words is that we follow through with them. So if you say yes, let it be a yes. If you say no, let it be a no. Mm-hmm. So for you no to coffee, is it really a no? Well, no. It's not a no. It's a sometimes and it's a when you change and it's a, yeah. So you're no is not a no at all. It's something else. And he's in both scenarios. One has fall under condemnation. The other one says comes from evil that we're with our words. And so I want to discuss why might we give our word or make a promise or a vow and then not follow through with it? Because there are reasons. Why would we even say it in the first place? And then what would make us not want to do it in the second place?   Jennifer:And I just wanted to point out one thing. I think that when we proclaim something, we make a vow, we make a promise, we think that somehow that makes the words strong enough on their own that it'll all of a sudden happens, make us do the thing. Yeah, I'm going to stop, go into the fast food restaurant. We make that proclamation, I'm going to stop that. We say it out loud and we say it to people, oh yeah, I'm, I'm going to stop eating fast food. I promise when we even add stuff like that or I'm making a resolution, we think in some way that those words in their own are going to have some power to help change something inside of us because we know that it is hard for us to not go get fast food. So I think maybe also sometimes we have no intention of following through with what we say.   Aaron:More so we say it so that others can hear and be satisfied in some way of hearing it from us or what   Jennifer:You mean. Yeah, maybe in a way. So going back to that idea of I'll be home in 10 minutes, you call me, Hey, where are you at? Oh, I'm just leaving the store. Maybe I'm not just leaving the store and I'm trying to show you that I'm going to be on home quick because you want me home. And so I'm like, oh, 10 minutes. Because then in that moment I appease your urgency of where are you at? You've been gone for a while. So I can have that moment of like, okay, cool. I'm now released from that. Not realizing that there's going to be this consequence when I get home of you wondering like, Hey, you said 10 minutes, but it's been 35 minutes. What's going on? I'm like, well, and then I just figure I'll at that point give you a reason rather than saying, Hey, I'm probably going to be a little bit longer than you want. So I think we say things that we don't follow through with for that reason. Also to try and just appease someone or cover up or make ourselves look a certain way. Yeah. In front of someone.   Aaron:I think another reason would be that we actually do have full intentions to do what we say we're going to do, but because of our choices, our life is so out of order that you actually can't fulfill those commitments.   Jennifer:So a good example,   Aaron:It just feels like chaos.   Jennifer:A good example for me, I want to get up early and that actually is a desire of mine to get up early. But then I don't choose to go to bed early.   Aaron:You don't set yourself up to make that thing happen   Jennifer:To win. Yeah. I don't align the stars to make sure that I can get up in the morning,   Aaron:Which matters. If you are going to commit to something, it's kind of counting the cost. You're like, you're evaluating to say, okay, in order for this thing to happen, all these other things need to happen in order for it to be true,   Jennifer:To follow through with. So we haven't set up our life to make sure that we can follow through with certain things. I think another reason, this is a more devious one, and it comes from probably wrong hearts, not probably it is wrong hearts saying you're going to do one thing and then intentionally not following through with it, knowing that it was going to hurt the person because you're frustrated or hurt or angry and that it's a sort of vengeance. I'm not going to follow through with the thing I said because I don't think you deserve me following through with the thing I said. Mm-hmm. Or I don't feel like it now because you did this to me or said this to me,   Aaron:Or you don't need me to, don't require of me. I can see I'm just kind of playing into this kind of issue of what's really at the root with that way of thinking. And I was going to add another one is just forgetting that you even committed to something in the first place.   Jennifer:Now giving it enough importance in front of you to say, oh, I'm going to make that a thing that I think about. The challenge that we've been giving is of writing down things that we want to be committed to making it real. And on paper, this is something that's actually has been really powerful for you. When you write a list of to-dos, like, I'm going to do this today and I'm going to do this today, I'm going to do this today. I don't think I've ever seen you not complete a list.   Aaron:It's like a challenge or a competition   Jennifer:One. But it's really powerful . So you could get up and you're like, today I'd like to this and I'd like to that and and then you maybe do one or two things and then by the end of the day you're like, I didn't do anything that I wanted to do. But when you sit down, you write it down, man, you crush it. And I've encouraged you in the past to,   Aaron:I know. I feel like I forgot this about myself. I need to,   Jennifer:I think you should. And you do. When you write down a list, it gets done every single time,   Aaron:I think. Okay. So that was our list. Sorry, we got off tangent a little bit. That was our list of why we do these things. But I think we think it's important that we do an honest evaluation of ourselves, our lives, and to ask God to reveal to us if there's any of this that we just listed any, even just announce in our hearts,   Jennifer:We should always be spiritually evaluating, asking God to search us. So what are some practical, I'm not saying this, what are some practical things to practice in, practical things to practice? What are some practical things to practice instead of saying something that you will not do? So are,   Aaron:I'm so confused right now.   Jennifer:I know this is what's a practical solution to this. Hey, what   Aaron:Can you do instead?   Jennifer:How can we practice being better at not doing what we say we're going to do?   Aaron:So when Wyatt comes to you and he is like, dad, will you cuddle me before bed? You just say, I can't right now.   Jennifer:Yeah, I know. Well, that's the point is saying gi giving an answer or saying you can't give an answer. So hey, I can't give you an answer right now because I don't know what the day looks like,   Aaron:But I'll think about it, which is, or I need time to think about   Jennifer:It as long as I intend to think about it and figure it out.   Aaron:But don't say you're going to think about it and then don't think about it.   Jennifer:Exactly. And then see saying you need time to think about it. Not doing it but letting him know, Hey, I need time to think about it. So would you be patient with me? Yeah. And so what that does is lets them know that it's not a yes and it's not a no, but it's also not a maybe. It's like I don't know what to answer you right now. So I'm going to tell you I don't know what to answer you right now. Another tactic is just say no. Why'd   Aaron:You laugh?   Jennifer:Because well, it's simple. It's like, hey, let's just give an answer.   Aaron:Do you think that there's some people who   Jennifer:Just, that don't hearing? No,   Aaron:Not well. Okay. I can raise my hand for both here. I was going to say that they don't like being someone who says no. They don't want to make that boundary   Jennifer:A yes person.   Aaron:Maybe they don't realize they're a yes person, but they absolutely don't like the contention that comes with No.   Jennifer:Well, yeah, because there's going to be like that. Why don't you want to, why? Yeah.   Aaron:I have a hard time saying no.   Jennifer:Right. And we know people in our life that do this because going back to what we talked about earlier, one of the reasons someone might do them is because they want to look a certain way. So like, oh, I want this person to believe that I'm there for them.   Aaron:Hey, you can't call me out in front of everyone   Jennifer:Right now. I'm not saying that for you.   Aaron:No, but it's true.   Jennifer:You want someone to believe you there for them, but you have no, but don't, not that you don't have intention to, but you aren't really there for them. You want them to think they are that you are. So just saying yes or just saying no and then making that what you mean. Yeah. Over time, we're talking about this month about building trust and about being the kind of people that do what we say is big. So being confident. I don't like continuing to use the story about what true Wyatt wanting me to cuddle in. But with anything, if it's your boss, if it's your spouse, there's going to be times, Hey hun, can we do this thing? No. And here's why. Or yes, and let's make a plan. And just being confident in those things rather than, yeah, I'm sure that someone can figure out, but really I'm just trying to push it off. Cause I don't want to give an answer and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of that thing that you want to do. Now it'd be better to give the answer. Or again, going back to, Hey, I don't know what answer to give you now. Can we look at details on this? And actually follow through with figuring out what the answer is.   Aaron:A, after looking at or hearing us talk about this, I just realized that I totally don't like saying no. And I've known this about myself for a while, but because of that, I'll stress myself out week to week because I commitments   Jennifer:Placate and commits.   Aaron:So what we talked about earlier about you're not making commitments happening because of chaos in your life, or you're not committing to your word because mm-hmm. Of chaos. Chaos. That's me an order. I'm older. It's like now everything's backed up and there's this traffic jam because I've not said no to anything, but there's periods of my life where I feel like there's balance. And then other times when I'm like,   Jennifer:Well, and I, we meet with the guys from our church on Wednesday mornings and we're going through the book of Ecclesiastes, and the next verse I'm going to bring up in a second is from Ecclesiastes chapter five. And that whole chapter's about our words and saying what we're saying one thing and doing another and actually following through with our words. And it was so interesting. We had a big long conversation this morning about this very topic, and it was just so good hearing everyone's different opinions and perspectives on it. But one thing that I brought up, and I have it here, is don't give an answer. Maybe saying nothing is better than not keeping your word.   Aaron:So are you just saying stare blankly at them?   Jennifer:No. It goes back to that not giving an answer right away. But maybe you just, you're not going to commit to the thing like, well, I don't know. I literally don't know. I don't know if I could do that. I dunno if I could follow through with it. And I get this from Ecclesiastes five, four through five. It says, when you vow vow God, do not delay pen it where he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow that than that. You should vow and not pay. There's society. He is like, don't make the vow. Don't say you're going to do that thing. Say you can go help when you can't help. It'd be better. Just be like, I can't. And then say it and then not follow through. There's another story in the New Testament that Jesus gives about two sons. One goes, the father goes to one and says, Hey, go work. And he says, sure. And then walks away and doesn't go work. Oh yeah. And then he goes, the other son, son. He goes, no, I don't want to work. But then later on changes his mind, he goes and works.   Aaron:I was paraphrased a bit,   Jennifer:But the point is, the one son that said he doesn't want to work, you could be like, well, how mean of him? Actually, that was much more honorable, honest and honest. He was honest. He's like, I don't want to go work. And then the Lord changed his heart and he is like, actually, I can go and I'm going to go and I don't want to make my dad proud rather than saying I'm going to go do it, and then I'm not doing it out. So disrespectful. And God cares about this stuff. He cares that we mean what we say. It's a, it's as a part of his CH church being his people   Aaron:And reflecting him. He means what He says.   Jennifer:Well just look at the Bible. Do you think God loves words? Yeah. Mean the Bible literally says that the word was with God and is God,   Aaron:And that he created everything by his word   Jennifer:Words. In the beginning, God created the heavens of the earth with his words. God said, let there be light. There's light power. So he cares about words. He cares about our words. He wants us to be faithful with the things that we say. And like I said, there's another verse in Proverbs that says that a person that remains silent will be seen as wise   Aaron:Real quick as this idea of ref reflecting God. And in another part of the New Testament, we're called ambassadors. And just being on mission to, or knowing that we are sharing the gospel in this world, in order to share the gospel with someone and for them to believe what our words to be true, we have to be trustworthy and we have to be honest, and we have to have integrity. You think? Yeah. Well,   Jennifer:If you think about it, one of the biggest things that people that have walked away from God, they look at the church and say like, oh, the church is full of hypocrites. Hypocrites. What that means, what hypocrite means is say one thing, do another. Like, oh, you say you sh, you're holy, but you're not holy. Another verse in Ecclesiastes, a couple verse before it says NFI in chapter five, verse two, be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God. For God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore, let your words be few. One of the discussions we had today was in that verses four through five, it says he has no pleasure in fools. And in other translations it says the sacrifice of fools. And we were talking about the sacrifice of fools is our words when they have no meaning or power. Mm-hmm. Like we come before God and we come before our family and we come before our friends and we say something and it is nothing.   Aaron:When you say, I'll pray for you, and you walk away and you haven't prayed for them and you don't pray for them.   Jennifer:It's a sacrifice of fools is what the Bible calls it. God calls it that you're offering this sacrifice that has no value. You're offering this thing, it's just words. And he's talking about that with vows. You're making it vow God and you're not even following through that. That's a sacrifice of fools. So I think God cares quite a bit about us being people of our word, because in reality we need to be people of his word. So I want to just point out the fruit of this. When we, well practice saying things that we don't mean saying things that we don't follow through with. There's a fruit that comes from this. What it happens is we reinforce in ourselves a falsehood of ourselves. So I say with my mouth, I'm, I'm going to be this way. I'm going to read more. And then I intentionally don't read more. I go, or I'm going to like you. I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. And then you go make that coffee every time you make that coffee after you said, I'm not going to drink coffee anymore. Cause I don't want to drink coffee anymore. Going back to that word discrepancy. Yeah. You're reaffirming and reinforcing a f a false falsehood.   Aaron:And explain why that is dangerous.   Jennifer:Well, spiritually, I think the danger could be if our words that come out of our mouths don't have any power, don't have any meaning, don't wait, they don't have any weight. We don't follow through, we don't keep it. It doesn't mean anything. I think the danger is could we end up in the same place with God's word or with his spirit? When it convicts us, do we hear it and be like, well, that's not who I am. Or I can't be that. I can't fulfill that. I can't. Or is   Aaron:It easier just when that conviction comes to push it away, push it off to the side, make it not important, justify it, all the reasons that we listed earlier.   Jennifer:I think it's something we should consider for sure.   Aaron:I think there's also danger in the way that we view ourselves in just once there is that discrepancy of, okay, now I said one thing and did another. And you start seeing the consequences of that, whether you affect someone else or just yourself.   Jennifer:What are some things that you've heard   Aaron:In your own? In my own self? Yeah. Yeah. Things like I'm a failure. I'm flaky. I can't follow through with anything.   Jennifer:Just   Aaron:Can't. That negative things that   Jennifer:I've heard is I can't change. Yeah. This is too too hard. Cause I want to be the, I can't do it. Which again, reinforces not the truth. We just read in the last episode from, I think it's second Peter, that we have everything in Christ to be what Christ desires us to be. And now that doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean it just happens overnight, but we are capable. So   Aaron:Real quick, because I briefly brought it up just now, but consequences when, especially because we're a marriage podcast, so we need to talk about this. When I make a commitment to you and I don't follow through with it, what does that do to our relationship? What does that do to how you view me and   Jennifer:Well, at the top level, some of those things that you mentioned, how you feel about yourself, I feel. Mm-hmm. Like, oh, you don't ever follow through with what you say. You always say you're going to do this and then you never do it. Those are things that I think, and you've thought the same things about me.   Aaron:For me, big, the red alarm, the red blaring alarm would be I can't trust you or there's no integrity. The trust is broken.   Jennifer:Yeah. What else are you lying about?   Aaron:Yeah. So yeah, those are just a couple of things that we're just pointing out because if we're doing a self-evaluation, if anything we're saying today is becoming a catalyst in your guys' lives, to at least just consider this, I think it's worth saying. Mm-hmm. Right?   Jennifer:I mean, perfectly asking, Lord, oh man, what's going on with my mouth? Yeah. Something I want to end with after a heavy episode of trying to evaluate all of the things we say is have grace with yourself. Ask God to teach you, pray and ask God to change our words and to give us, grow our integrity to point out to us when we are walking in those falsehoods and the things you're saying. And I just wanted to also say, we may never be able to completely control our tongue. That's a big thing. And you can read this in the book of James says, Hugh controls his tongue is perfect. And guess who the only person who had never messed up in what he said was Jesus. Jesus. He is perfect. I have a note in my Bible next to that verse about Hugh controls his tongue. Jesus only said what God told him to say. He was perfect in all his ways, not not me. Thankfully, God never goes back on his word. Christ is perfect in all his ways, and so we can trust what he said and in his promises, and that's what I wanted to encourage us with is words are always true. Ours may fail, we may be false. Your spouse's words may be false and fail, but guess whose words never do god's   Aaron:For years. Now, we've been reiterating with our children that our words are powerful and we say this a lot and we explain to them the impact of both our negative words and our positive words and the way that we say our words. This is something that we're growing in as a family to to believe, to walk in rightly. And I think it's so valuable as parents, and I just wanted to make that note because as adults are walking through this and letting God test us and refine us, and in all those opportunities, repent of how we are to then look at our children and say, and I'm here to help you in that humility.   Jennifer:Often our kids are really good about helping us. Yeah, that's true. And they catch us, mom, why are you talking that way, dad, you talking harsh. So they see and it's really good, and we stop and we look at 'em. We're like, okay, Elliott   Aaron:. Okay, on good at, on a really sweet note. We were down, we have this little village area with shopping, shopping and it's like got these very nature, big stones and big stone rocks. But they're like, some of 'em are flat benches. And we are walking through the village and Edie sits down on one of the rocks and she folds her arms and she goes, mom, and then she reaches out her arm in Pat's next to her. And so I go and sit down and she folds her arms across her chest. So what do you want to talk about? Two. Mind you, it's my two year old. She's so funny acting. She's some, she's grown.   Jennifer:She so   Aaron:Funny and it's really cute but it just made me laugh and think, wow, as much as we're talking in this episode about being mindful of our words and this very serious commitment way, also just remember that our words bring life and can draw one near and I can   Jennifer:Push away.   Aaron:Yeah. But I'm trying to be sweet right now. Oh, sorry. I just wanted to encourage you guys to well, I was going to encourage you as parents, but even with your spouse, get in your people's spaces, make eye contact, laugh, ask good questions that are engaging and be willing to just use your words for good.   Jennifer:I like that.   Aaron:Good. Okay. Also, I pulled out a couple of quotes by some really random people that I thought were really good for . Just this idea of, well, today we're talking about sticking to our commitments and saying what we mean, but it's also this whole theme for January. So I'm kind of just bulking these at the end here because it's just go for it. Going to carry us in. So this first one's from Rory Ro and Rory Rory Vaden. The foundation of a disciplined life is integrity and doing what we say we're going to do.   Jennifer:The next one's from Dallas Willard. When the light comes into a room, we do not have to say, now what are we going to do about the darkness? It's gone. What does have to do   Aaron:This? I liked it. I liked it because we had a conversation, which we can talk about in another episode, but the   Jennifer:Truth is the light coming into the   Aaron:Room. What I thought about is we were having a conversation. I said, I just want, every time I leave, you want to feel like I'm glowing. Remember? Because we were talking about how we talk to each other, and then I thought about also in as being Christians being the light of Christ. So when we come into the room, there is no darkness.   Jennifer:That's true.   Aaron:Our reputation comes in first and it's like, Hey, we know Jesus. We walk like him. We talk like him.   Jennifer:This next one, this next one really fits what we're talking   Aaron:About by Larry. Did I say that   Jennifer:Right? Larry? Wingett. Let take a   Aaron:Wing it. To me, success comes from what you do, not from what you say you're going to do   Jennifer:. That's really good. Yeah. The last one, Steve Harvey,   Aaron:You know him. I know.   Jennifer:Do what you say you're going to do. People can do nothing but respect that. It's true. Yeah. It's a big deal. And I'm sure if someone in your life that is just really good at falling through with things they say, you probably have a deep respect for those people. But we want to have deep respect for ourselves as well, and that we know that our words matter. That's what we always tell our kids.   Aaron:Someone recently shared that. Some friends of ours shared that the people that they respect the most are people who've had a pattern or a way of being for so long in their life that they respect,   Jennifer:Remember? Yeah. They're just not wishy-washy, but that they're consistent.   Aaron:They stick to it. Yeah. They're consistent. That was the word that they use was consistent. And they respect that about that person, and I value that. It's a   Jennifer:Big deal. Yeah.   Aaron:That's good.   Jennifer:Well, why don't we get into the growth spurt?   Aaron:I do it every week, so yes,   Jennifer:Too. Okay. The growth spurt for this month is build trust, as we talked about today. Do what you say you will or don't say you will   Aaron:. Okay. You do. I'm not letting you do the gross spurt anymore. . Okay. Do the pray.   Jennifer:Yeah. Okay.   Aaron:We don't have to go into the gross spurt this time because the whole episode was about that.   Jennifer:Exactly.   Aaron:Exactly.   Jennifer:Dear Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for speaking to us about the importance of sticking to our word. We desire to have integrity and we desire to be trustworthy. Please help us walk in righteousness to do the things we say we are going to do to love others by sticking to commitments made. We ask you to transform this part of us, give us eyes to truly see how our inconsistencies and discrepancies and failures to do what we say hurts people, especially our spouse. We pray we would be a light wherever we go and honor you by doing what we say we're going to do. In Jesus' name, amen.     Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

There is a spiritual truth that goes like this: what we feed will be nourished, what we sow, we will reap, what we pursue, we will find, what we water will grow.…BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T?The opposite is a spiritual truth as well. Stop watering something, and it will eventually die. Stop feeding, and it will diminish. If we don't sow, there won't be anything to reap. If we never seek, we will never find.Our focus today is to examine these truths, hitting home the importance of continual spiritual and relational maintenance. Today's episode is brought to you by our faithful patron team who have chosen to help financially support this show monthly. Here is a shout-out to some of our most recent patrons. Freddy SPierre H Shelly BTracy PWe thank you so much for choosing to partner with us in blessing 10’s of thousands of couples with free daily prayer emails and this weekly podcast.If you have been blessed by free marriage after god content, we'd love to invite you to join our patron team. Also, if you chose to sign up at $20/month you can get a $50 gift card to our online store on your first renewal! Please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron7 Ways to Strengthen and Maintain Your MarriageThis podcast episode delves into the maintenance required for our faith and marriages. The things, and even the people in our fallen world are not meant to last forever. Consequently, as a whole, things that are not regularly cared for or maintained begin to crumble. Now, the duration of time it takes depends on the variables, but really, everything is on its way to deteriorating. When something is cared for, its “life” or longevity is preserved. Alternatively, when things are not tended to- like a building that has been abandoned, when the gutter isn’t fixed, the paint left to chip, the relationship not reconciled or pursued; when the pieces begin to fall and no one bothers to pick them up and see the value in preserving them-the things themselves diminish until they are completely torn down, thrown out, or abandoned. The purpose is buried beneath the rubble and ruin of what once was. Marriages don’t usually fall apart all at once. It takes time to get to that point; and yet for some, it's still not long at all, which is heartbreaking and difficult. In parity with our marriage and relationships, our faith can fall apart over time as well if we are not careful. Our world has become accustomed to ease and instant gratification, and where hard work or dedication is required, some become stagnant, while others lose heart and give up completely. Often, we think something better will come along, but as stated by Neil Barringham,“The grass is always greener where you water it.” In other words, the responsibility is ours. If we do not take accountability for our action or in many cases, our inaction, then the fault is also ours.As stated in  Hebrews 3:12-14, 12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13 But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14 For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.When we do not preserve or hold onto our faith and our marriages, they will slowly but surely decay, and eventually crumble. We will be weakened and deceived if we are not careful to abide in Christ. While we can trust that our salvation lies in Christ and his work alone, we can and should labor to safeguard our faith and strengthen our marriages. In order to grow and mature in these things, to keep them from being ineffective, it is essential that we strive to sustain them. 2 Peter 1:8 “For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”Here are 7 things to maintain in order to keep our marriages and our faith strong and effective.Virtue or purity- having high moral standards and striving to be biblically minded, while pursuing purity in all aspects of life.Knowledge- growing our knowledge of God through prayer and consistent reading of His word, and growing our knowledge of our spouse by communication, listening and understanding.Self-control- in how we communicate, in controlling our emotions and what we consume, and having boundaries.Steadfastness- remaining resolute and unwavering in unity and love with our spouses, and standing firm in our belief in Christ and his finished work.Godliness- remaining devout in our love and devotion to our GodBrotherly Affection- loving our spouses as a brother or sister in Christ and desiring to see them grow closer to the Lord.Love- not simply maintaining our love but earnestly seeking it out diligently.We must realize that when we do not tend to what we are entrusted with, it will not last. When we do pursue, maintain, and care for these things, we preserve them. Let's feed our faith and marriage with God's word and spirit. Let’s sow into our spouses with love and intentionality. Let's pursue God and our spouse with our whole hearts.Lastly, When a new owner comes in and renovate the building it becomes beautiful and full of purpose. Let Christ be that new owner of your marriage today. Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations

This episode is brought to you in part by our marriage after god podcast and prayer patron team. These are people who have been blessed by this content as well as our daily prayer emails and have decided to help support the show and our daily emails financially. So if you have been blessed by this show and would like to join the marriage after god podcast patron team, please visit marriageaftergod.com/patron Via Wikipedia: The self-discrepancy theory states that individuals compare their "actual" self to internalized standards or the "ideal or ought self". Self-discrepancy is the gap between two of these self-representations that leads to negative emotions.Essentially it is how we deal with the difference between who we think we should be and who we want to be vs who we actually are.Percent Discrepancy or Error:The discrepancy in a measured quantity for an instrument is the difference between its measured value and true value (accepted value). This difference between these values is known as the absolute error.Absolute error. When I read that I was like….well it is an absolute error when God's word says to be a respectful wife and then im disrespectful. If God’s word is the measure by which we live, what is the difference between that and how i choose to respond and act. Google How do you identify discrepancies?Identifying discrepancies in data is simple. You compare two data sets for the same period of time and look for numbers that don't match up. The real challenge is understanding what caused the discrepancies and how to reconcile them.For me when I think of discrepancy, what I feel God wants me to pay attention to … are the differences I see when I compare who I am to who I want to be according to his word. And when i see it i get so frustrated! Understanding and Confronting why there are different things happening and why i am choosing to be the way i really am, frustrates me. This is what got me thinking….How do I reconcile those differences to become one and the same??? The person i really want to be is like Christ, so there is a fight going on inside you….who you CANNOT BE ON YOUR OWN. The who you are now fights who you want to be.  TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1 (00:05):Hey, Were Aaron and Jennifer Smith, your host of the Marriage After God podcast. If we're all being honest, we would recognize that there's a discrepancy between who we are and who we desire to be. And right now we are going to dive into this idea and find some encouragement along the way. Would Speaker 2 (00:19):You please take some time today and share this episode on your social media? Share it with your friend, share it with your family. Invite them to listen along with you. It'd be an awesome conversation starter. Some people have even taken our podcast and turn 'em into little Bible studies and they meet with a few couples to go through them. And I think you'd be an awesome way to help grow the show, reach of it. And then lastly, before we move on we wanted to bring up a new way that we are inviting people to help support this podcast. We don't do ads. If you noticed the only ads, we talk about our books and our free prayer emails that we send out every day. But one way you can support is you can join the Marriage After God podcast patron team. And what this is, this is a group of husbands and wives all over the country who support this podcast and support our daily prayer emails financially. And if you would like to do that, if this shows blessed you, if you are blessed by our daily prayer emails, we'd love, love to invite you to join the Marriage God podcast patron team by going to marriage after god.com/patron. That's P A T R O N, marriage after god.com/patron. Speaker 1 (01:33):While we are in a new year, 2023, can you believe it? Speaker 2 (01:36):Did we say 2023? Is it 20? 23? 20? Speaker 1 (01:39):Just 23. Speaker 2 (01:40):Just 23. Speaker 1 (01:42):Just 23. Happy New Year everybody. You might be surprised to see us. We're really excited to be here with you guys starting out the new year. Speaker 2 (01:52):Why would they be surprised though? Speaker 1 (01:53):Oh, fresh. I think because when we finished the last season, which was just in December we told everyone to look forward to another season launching in the spring. Speaker 2 (02:05):And it's not the spring, Speaker 1 (02:06):But hey, it's never too early to dive into a good marriage podcast. Speaker 2 (02:10):And we're back and we're excited. Speaker 1 (02:12):Yeah. So instead of doing a seasonal podcast, we thought we'd go all the way back to like we did when we first launched the podcast back in 2018, Speaker 2 (02:21):Which is crazy. Speaker 1 (02:22):We had to go back and look Speaker 2 (02:23):It up. We both didn't realize we started this far back. We thought it was 2019. Speaker 1 (02:27):So back when we started in 2018, we were doing a weekly episode and that was really exciting and really great. And then after, I don't know how, I Speaker 2 (02:35):Don't know, I think it was like 75 plus episode stream. Speaker 1 (02:38):I don't remember. We switched it to doing a seasonal thing, which gave us, in our family a bit of space in between the seasons, which was really great. Speaker 2 (02:45):Lots of new babies between then. Speaker 1 (02:47):Yeah, for sure. So here we are and we're going to try a new thing, a new old Speaker 2 (02:52):Thing, a new oldie goodie thing. Speaker 1 (02:54):Well, speaking of oldie goodies, if you are new with us, you can go back to those 2018, 2019 and up episodes if you haven't listened to 'em. And yeah, Speaker 2 (03:04):There's a check 'em out there a lot for you there. I was just letting Jennifer know some of that analytics cause I like to look at all that data. And one of our episodes, it's called Jesus is our Passover, has had 58,000 downloads. Crazy. So you should definitely go check that one out. And then the last little bit of numbers I wanna throw out there, we've just, I think just last episode of the last season, we broke 3 million downloads of our podcast. That's Speaker 1 (03:29):Awesome. Yeah. That's so cool. Thank you guys for listening. Speaker 2 (03:32):Yeah. This that only happens cuz you all who listened to this podcast. So thank you. Speaker 1 (03:38):Okay, so what can everyone enjoy from us this next year? I should rephrase that. What are people going to want to tell their friends when they talk about our podcast? Speaker 2 (03:48):Hopefully good things hard things sometimes but I think I'd love for people to say that we're real. That we like to be honest, that we're not in any way experts but definitely experts at sharing our story. Speaker 1 (04:04):I was going to say funny. I want them to say, Hey, this podcast is really funny. Speaker 2 (04:08):We do like to laugh a lot. Speaker 1 (04:09):I think I'm funny. Speaker 2 (04:11):Yeah. Words like relatable, truthful those are things that we desire to be as podcast hosts sharing this content with you all. Speaker 1 (04:19):And on a more serious note I would want them to tell their friends what they say doesn't matter. It's what God says through them when his word comes out of them. It's just really good. Speaker 2 (04:32):It's a prayer. I often pray before I teach is Lord let it be your words, not mine. Speaker 1 (04:37):Exactly. If anything, it'll be a good dose when you guys follow along this year of Oh yeah. Or good idea or ouch. I need to work on that for the purpose of encouraging all of us to pick up our Bibles and pursue our spouse. Right. Speaker 2 (04:55):And to be honest, we actually say these things about our own content because when we're preparing these and thinking these are things that we're going through so we actually feel the same way sometimes. So Speaker 1 (05:04):Yeah. Okay, so let's do that now let's get into this very interesting topic we have here today Speaker 2 (05:11):Here and we're in December. And a lot of happened since you Speaker 1 (05:15):Didn't say we're in December. Speaker 2 (05:16):No, we're not in December we're just out. We were out of December. But a lot of stuff's been going on. So since we ended the season, yeah, Speaker 1 (05:25):I will say in December it was challenging for us. We kicked it off with being sick as a family and really sick. Sick, really sick. And that was terrible. What was most terrible about it is it's the beginning weeks of December is like you're just starting to have Christmas festivities. At least I am with the kids festivities. And I was super bummed to miss out on those things. Speaker 2 (05:47):But we got to make some of it up cuz there was some really fun things that we got to do. We got to make sugar cookies always. And we love cookies in this family. They Speaker 1 (05:56):Don't last very long. Speaker 2 (05:57):No eat 'em all cookies the same day. Usually I eat most of the dough before it makes into the oven. Speaker 1 (06:01):I had to wait till we got much better before I jumped into that one. We also, did you already say this? Make gingerbread houses? Speaker 2 (06:09):I didn't say it. Okay. No, but I was thinking of gingerbread men, which we'll talk about a second. We will. Well how would we dress up for the Oh yeah, yeah. Christmas Speaker 1 (06:18):Party. We went sledding Christmas shopping. Speaker 2 (06:22):Yeah, we did all the things even though it was a pretty heavy with sickness, once we got all better we're like, okay, let's jam it all in. We have to get all things in before the end of the year. Speaker 1 (06:32):One and a half weeks go. Speaker 2 (06:33):Yeah. So we went to a Christmas party. Speaker 1 (06:36):It's an annual party that we like to do with our friends Speaker 2 (06:38):And this one did. We don't always dress up. We was this a special one this Speaker 1 (06:42):Year? We just decided, we called it nacho average Christmas party. And it was just so fun. Speaker 2 (06:48):Yeah. It was what I dressed up as a, you dressed me up as a Well Speaker 1 (06:53):We wanted to go as a couple. And so I was like gingerbread. That's awesome. Speaker 2 (06:57):But what? You were a Speaker 1 (06:58):Pinata. I was a pinata gingerbread. And Speaker 2 (07:00):You, your costume, it took you days to make. Cuz she literally glued all this burn. What is that stuff called? It's like streamers. Streamers all over her dress. And then I was a ninja bread man Speaker 1 (07:12):And we were the greatest couple of all time. So Speaker 2 (07:14):It was amazing. Anyways, that was a lot of fun. Speaker 1 (07:18):We played Family Feud, we played some Minute to win at games. The candy cane drop. There's some good Speaker 2 (07:26):Ones. There was, there was a really fun, oh anyways, there were fun games. Oh, the box grab. Yeah, the box grab one was fun. There was a one Speaker 1 (07:33):Except you were supposed to let me win and then didn't Speaker 2 (07:34):One of the wives there was so fast. She was so fast. She beat everyone. Speaker 1 (07:38):Okay, we need to move on here. Okay. Okay. Amid the hustle of the season and experiencing joy, which we hope you guys all enjoyed over holiday break, we also encountered some back to back hard marriage moments some ways of responding to each other. That's Merry Speaker 2 (07:54):Christmas does. Speaker 1 (07:55):No, it was hard. And more so I just wanna personally admit that the Lord revealed to me how I was being disrespectful to you Erin and how I was communicating and I hurt you. And in the midst of those things happening, I also was reminded by looking my journal that I hadn't been abiding in reading the word consistently throughout December. And I know that that plays a huge role in how I feed my flesh instead of walking the spirit. And so there was just a lot of ups and downs emotionally and some 10 moments of tension within our relationship that kind of just influenced our experience. Speaker 2 (08:45):And it didn't help that I was also not abiding in Christ really well this last month in the month of December. And that made my responses not so great to how you were responding to me. Speaker 1 (09:00):We were both irritable and just sloppy in our relationship. Speaker 2 (09:05):It wasn't good, Speaker 1 (09:07):But the Lord's good. And he showed us and reminded us that we need to have grace with one another. That reconciliation is so important. And we came back together and got Speaker 2 (09:23):Through these things. We are reconciled and and God using that situation he has in the past with other situations to show us that there's change that he desires in us, that he's not okay with where we're at because he desires better for us and we're not okay where we're at because we desire better for us. Speaker 1 (09:40):It was during those was it like a week and a half, two weeks of mm-hmm. Being up and down together that the Lord simultaneously put a desire in our hearts to switch the podcast from being put off till spring to, to launching it in the new year and doing this weekly thing. And I think that's, I was going to say funny, it's not funny, but dealing with shouldn't communicate, shouldn't crisis well dealing with communication issues and then going, Hey, let's be professional communicators just about Speaker 2 (10:09):Our marriage that we're having a hard time Speaker 1 (10:10):With you. And I always see in hindsight a lot better. But I was telling you this Erin, that once we made that decision to launch the podcast, being reminded that we have an enemy that doesn't like what we're doing, he's like, Uhuh, I'm going to sabotage that one. Speaker 2 (10:28):Well all the more why we're called to put on the former of God and to not be mm-hmm lax in our vigilance, in our faith to Speaker 1 (10:35):Guard ourselves better Speaker 2 (10:36):And our marriage and we and I wasn't you and the fruit of that was evident. Speaker 1 (10:42):So being professional communicators here, we are not exempt, exempt from the ways of the flesh just because we run a podcast. There's times that Aaron and I are mean to each other. There's times that we can be selfish. There's times that we, I am disrespectful or struggle with submission and struggle with the things that I want versus what you want. And we Speaker 2 (11:04):Clash, both of us just struggling with Speaker 1 (11:06):Irritability, Speaker 2 (11:07):Being Christian, just walking in God's spirit and being more fleshly than spiritual which comes out of us when we're not abiding in Christ and when we're feeding the wrong thing in us, as everyone listening would understand cuz we all do it. So yeah, we're not exempt at Speaker 1 (11:27):All in recognizing that we struggle with communication At times I get down cuz I think there's no way we can do a podcast. Yeah. We're not worthy. We share with others that unworthiness thing to which you and others in my life say because God doesn't use perfect people. That's true. And you reminded me of what Paul said in one Corinthians 12, nine. But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Speaker 2 (12:00):Which is funny cuz often we don't boast in the weakness. We boast about being strong and then when we feel weak we're like, oh we can't do Speaker 1 (12:07):This. So here we are confessing that we're weak and we desire the power of Christ to rest upon us. That's the only reason I know I can sit here and be doing this right now. Speaker 2 (12:19):Well and it's good because we need people to know that we too them need Jesus. Speaker 1 (12:25):Yeah. Always. All Speaker 2 (12:26):The time. Speaker 1 (12:26):Yeah. I also wanna admit that this is hard for me, the tension of perception and how I want others to view me as if I am perfect. If I am going to do this podcast and I'm going to be sharing with people, then I want them to see me as someone who does walk rightly or does know what she's talking about Speaker 2 (12:43):And doesn't make mistakes. Speaker 1 (12:44):It doesn't make mistakes. But the truth is, the reality is I am still learning and I am still growing. We are. And we're still have great days and we still have harder days. We still walk in righteousness and we still are confronted by our sin. Speaker 2 (12:59):Well and God also used these moments, this time of struggle between us to remind us that one of the things that we prided ourselves in the beginning of this ministry, starting the unveil wife years ago and later on husband revolution, is that we would share the reality of our life and not try and make it sound perfect, but actually show what God's teaching us through our imperfectness. That was something that we prided ourselves in and we get reminded of it in the middle of our brokenness and we're like, oh, that's what we need to be open with that stuff. Speaker 1 (13:37):So I guess that's the first little bit of discrepancy right there. But we're, we're going to talk about that in a minute. Speaker 2 (13:43):Before we move on any further though into talking about the main topic, I just wanted to remind everyone again one more time if you enjoy this episode, if you l any episode actually instead of just leaving a review on the podcast for the podcast as a whole, which I'd love for you to do if you wanted to we thought it'd be awesome if you guys would leave us reviews for individual episodes. Let us know which one you love, why you love it, what maybe if there's something in it that stood out to you. And I just think that would add a lot of value to people reading the reviews and looking for why they should listen to these podcasts. So if you could do that, if you could take five minutes today and do that, we would really appreciate it. Speaker 1 (14:23):I wanted to share something that we experienced kicking off the first week of January with our church family. Was it the first of the year? It was the first of the year. Speaker 2 (14:32):Yeah, it was. It was the first Sunday of Speaker 1 (14:34):The first Sunday, first day, first of the year. We thought it would be cool to, well all the men decided to come prepared to share desires that they had, hopes that they had for our church. And we do home church. So we've talked about that in the past. And so we have an intimate group of a handful of families with a lot of children. We Speaker 2 (14:56):Have about 10 Speaker 1 (14:57):Families. And so we just popcorned around and different people shared different just heart's desires to see growth in our church. Some said to see more dedicated prayers of first response to circumstance resting in the Lord regardless of circumstance. So being able to have that peace and that rest. There was a ton of affirmations of giftings and roles that people have that we see in each other. There was a desire for more growth and maturity and there was this a remembering that we have influence and a role to fulfill within the body. And I think that it was so cool as a church to be able to walk through all of that and hear what everybody thought about fellowshiping together and what they hope it looks like in the future. And Speaker 2 (15:49):Yeah, it was, do you love it? It was really encouraging to hear from the hearts of everyone there, all of our friends, but our whole church of what they want to see from themselves, from our church, but really what is God doing with us? What does he desire from us as a church? And so that was really encouraging. We got to pray about it as we went. So someone would bring something up, I'd love to see this, I'd love to see our fellowship operate this way, or the men do this or the women do this, or whatever it is. And then we would just stop and pray about it and say, okay, Lord, show us. Reveal these things to us. Give us wisdom and lead us essentially Speaker 1 (16:26):What I loved about the experience is usually at the end of the year we'll talk about our dreams and our hopes for our marriage or our business this time, but our church did it this time. And it just felt really refreshing I Speaker 2 (16:39):Think. Well, and it's encouraging too to know, it was cool to hear everyone's hearts like, oh wow. Yeah, everyone's in some levels aligned and then on others' like wow, we, there's some things that we can grow together. And Speaker 1 (16:53):It was super cool. Well, I kept personally hearing this word. I just felt like God was encouraging me with this one word. Speaker 2 (17:02):This is this idea. A lot of people have of a word for the year, that Speaker 1 (17:06):Sort of thing, which I've done in the past, but I don't do it every year. But I kept hearing this word and I, I'm like, okay God, why don't you just walk me through this one this year? But the word became the theme for today's episode and the words discrepancy and just, I don't know why I've been so sensitive toward this word, but it's been really cool to dig in and say, okay God, what does it mean? What does it look like in my life? And why is it important? Speaker 2 (17:34):Yeah. And this word came out of a, I don't know what you were looking for, but you were doing some sort of research probably for this episode or for yourself. But Speaker 1 (17:44):I think it started because I was trying to look up bible verses that have to do with discrepancy, but it didn't quite turn out that way. And then I went on a rabbit trail. Speaker 2 (17:52):But it was cool, you came across this article about this concept of self discrepancy theory. And you read me some of the stuff from the article and you told me, I was like, wow, that's a really cool thought. The way they describe it Speaker 1 (18:08):On Wikipedia, it states that according to self discrepancy theory, that individuals compare their actual self to internalized standards or the ideal or odd self. So self discrepancy is the gap between two of these self representations that leads to negative emotions. Speaker 2 (18:26):So that's the definition of self discrepancy theory, which we're not necessarily going to dig into this specifically, but it got us on this journey of, okay, what discrepancies are there between the two selves of us who we desire to be in Christ and who we are today? Who Speaker 1 (18:46):We actually are, Speaker 2 (18:46):Who we actually are because how Speaker 1 (18:48):We Speaker 2 (18:48):Operate. That's where this word discrepancy comes in is for you might see yourself as supposed to be or want to be this one way, but then a different person comes out in the day to day. And the same for me. I see myself or want to be this way or should be biblically this way and yet I'm this person over Speaker 1 (19:11):Here. And that gap or that tension, the definition was saying and leads to negative emotions. Those negative emotions can be depression, anxiety or struggling in that space of thinking I'll never change. And that's frustrating, Speaker 2 (19:25):Which we feel because I mean that's what you feel. I felt, why do I keep doing this? Why does this keep happening? And we've all asked these questions, I've tried so hard and I never change. Why can't I be this person? Speaker 1 (19:39):Or maybe you do experience incremental changes but not in this one particular area Or maybe or you have experienced a lot of change in a lot of different areas, but then it comes back and you're struggling again and it's just hard Speaker 2 (19:55):Life. Well, and this is normal for the human condition and we're going to get into this more a little bit, but God knows this about us because we have ideals or versions of ourselves that we believe should exist in the real world. But yet we are who we are now and it's not that person. Speaker 1 (20:18):And I was going to add to that by saying perceived perceptions projected when we're in front of one group of people or someone else but at home where someone else, Speaker 2 (20:32):Well, and this is probably going to be, we're going to talk about later episode or we might talk about this, but that when we pretend to be that projected person, that person over there, that's hypocrisy because we aren't that person. We act like we are, but we're not. Yeah. Speaker 1 (20:50):Okay. So another definition from Miriam Webster says an instance of disagreeing or being at variance. Speaker 2 (20:57):Being at variance. Speaker 1 (20:58):I know these are kind of more technical terms, but I kind of taking things like this and applying it to spiritual well Speaker 2 (21:05):Being at variance there, I just literally thought of this it made me think of how we're supposed to be one. But when we are at odds with each other, we're at variance with each other. We're not unified and there's a discrepancy, there's a like, oh we're not, we're split versus fused. Being balanced or balanced in harmony. Speaker 1 (21:28):Disagree. This was something else I looked up in my little search. Percent percent discrepancy or error. The discrepancy in a measured quantity for an instrument is the difference between its measured value and true value. The difference between these values is known as the absolute error, which I love that absolute error. That's true. When I read that, I was like, well it's an absolute error when God's word says to be a respectful wife and then I'm disrespectful. Speaker 2 (21:56):So something should weigh X. But when it's measured, it's measured at Y. Speaker 1 (22:01):So yeah. So if God's word is the measure by which we live, what is the difference between that and how I choose to respond and Speaker 2 (22:09):Act? Well, absolute error. Speaker 1 (22:10):It's an absolute error. Yeah. Speaker 2 (22:12):Well I love that. This is why where the gospel comes in when we recognize we are actually in absolute error because we are not living up to the standard, the actual true measure, the true value which is Christ. Which is Christ we we're in absolute air. That's really good. Speaker 1 (22:32):All interesting things here guys. Okay, so Google, when I Googled sometimes they have these questions pop up, it said, how do you identify discrepancy? And then this was the response, identifying discrepancies in data is simple. You compared two data sets for the same period of time and look for numbers that don't match up. So again, kind of technical, but let's dig a little deeper here. The real challenge is understanding what caused the discrepancies and how to reconcile them. Speaker 2 (22:57):No, we just wanna see that there Speaker 1 (22:59):Is so Speaker 2 (23:00):Because that's too much  Speaker 1 (23:01):With Speaker 2 (23:01):The Lord. How do we get to that number Speaker 1 (23:03):With the Lord? Putting this word discrepancy on my heart, this is where I'm at for the year. The challenge for me is to understand what causes the discrepancies. Well I guess identifying them, but what caused the discrepancies? And then how do I reconcile them? Speaker 2 (23:16):Which this is a good question for all of our listeners and a good recognition. We all can see easily the discrepancy in our walks. I know when I'm not in the word like oh there's a discrepancy, I believe the word, but I'm not in it. Like you said, you know, should respect and submit to me based off of what the Bible says. But there's a difference in how we respond. I know I'm supposed to love you sacrificially and I don't. So that's easy to see. But like you said, the why does that exist and how did we get to that point and Speaker 1 (23:54):How do we move Speaker 2 (23:54):Past and how do we reconcile the numbers on the sheet? Yeah, Speaker 1 (24:00):That's Speaker 2 (24:00):The harder thing for sure. Speaker 1 (24:01):Something I think God wants me to be paying attention to are the differences I see when I compare who I am to how I wanna be according to his word. And when I see it, when I see it, I get frustrated. I don't know about you, you said it's easy to see. I'm like, I get it so frustrated cuz I'm like that's who I wanna be. Speaker 2 (24:20):This goes back to that discrepancy theory. How you respond to the discrepancy is based off of whether you have an ideal or an odd. And I think you see that person as an odd, I should be this person but I'm not. Why not? And so you're frustrated and an anxious about it. Speaker 1 (24:37):So I wanna answer the question, how do I reconcile those differences to become one in the same? Speaker 2 (24:44):I think when you were asking me this question earlier, I was thinking, well if we have the wrong definition of the person we're trying to be, then we'll never be able to. No, that's true. Reconcile. So if I'm like, well I need to be this person, Jennifer b Jennifer, version B is who I need to be. But reality is Jennifer B doesn't exist without Christ. So there is no Jennifer B in the picture unless there's Christ in the picture. And so like you said, when we're not inviting in Christ, when we're not seeking that image, when we're not seeking his righteousness and his kingdom and those things, then there can be no reconciliation. So I think it's first Speaker 1 (25:28):Recognizing if the person that we want to become has nothing to do with God's word, if it's not defined by God's word, Speaker 2 (25:37):Then we're, it's always going to be redefined every moment. But if we define it the correct way, then we can at least know what we're shooting for. We we're shooting for the Christ and his perfection, which we understand we can't attain on our own. We need him. Speaker 1 (25:59):And when we were talking about this earlier, you said to me well there's a fight going on inside of you and who you want to be. You cannot be on your own. You can't Speaker 2 (26:11):Do it. Yeah. Cuz you're constantly the who we are today is constantly fighting who we want to be to be tomorrow. So I think the general solution to how do we get from A to B, how do we fill that gap? I think it starts with a surrender. Our current self has to surrender to Christ the future self and say, okay, if this is the true value what you say, then I need to surrender to that. And that's, that's how we shrink that gap. Cuz there is no perfection to be attained. And I hope that's an encouragement everyone listening is we're not talking about, hey, we can't actually get there. No, I think one day, well when we were with our father in heaven, there's going to be with him and Speaker 1 (27:00):Life is and him and life is the journey and the process every day inching closer to Speaker 2 (27:07):That. Well and I think even just a revelation I just had is instead of trying to constantly be the better me tomorrow that the journey is are we're constantly moving toward Christ Speaker 1 (27:23):Or recognizing his power in us. Speaker 2 (27:27):So instead of always feeling a failure because we didn't live up to whatever we're trained to imagine, we're just constantly moving toward him. Paul says it really good in Romans seven, verse 24 when explaining this dichotomy between our flesh and the spirit. And he says, wretched man that I am, which is how we all feel. So Speaker 1 (27:49):You're saying now, oh I suck. Speaker 2 (27:51):Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. So he's showing this di dichotomy of I want to serve the law, but I also have my flesh. And he says, who's going to deliver me from this problem? And he says, thanks be to God through Jesus Christ. Speaker 1 (28:19):I really think you should keep reading cuz moving on into eight. It really, Speaker 2 (28:23):So in verse in chapter eight, he says, therefore, or there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Speaker 1 (28:32):Which pause. There's been so many times that I've felt just the guilt of the shame and the full weight of my sin. And you've repeated this verse to me so many times. So husbands, wives, anyone listening, tuck this verse away for when someone needs it. Go ahead. Speaker 2 (28:50):Well, in verse two, for the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death for God is done with the law. Weakened by the flesh could not do by sending his own son and the likeness of sinful flesh. And for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the spirit. The law of the spirit when we walk in the spirit is freedom. We're set free in Christ Jesus from this bondage that you feel that I feel of, oh, I'm not performing right, I'm not fulfilling the law. I'm not being the person I'm supposed to be. Right? No, we're set free from that bondage of that. But when we walk in the spirit, we actually produce the things that the spirit produces, which is good. Speaker 1 (29:46):Yeah. There was a few other verses that came to our mind when considering discrepancy and what does the Bible talk about and how to identify that in us. So one of the first ones was Matthew seven 15 through 20. Do Speaker 2 (30:02):You wanna read that? Yeah. And it starts off talking about false prophets, but I want to get to the point here. So it says, beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles even so every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore, by their fruits you will know them. The point here is it's showing that on the outside, like I said earlier about this hypocrisy, these people show one thing, but on the inside or something else, God's telling us when we walk in the spirit, he changes the inside even before the outside represents what's on the inside. And so to bear good fruit, we must walk in the spirit which God uses to change us from the inside. So instead of trying to find this, seek this outward thing, we should be seeking that inward transformation, which then does actually change us. Speaker 1 (31:16):Another one is also James three, nine through 12. It says with it we bless our Lord and talking about our tongue with it, we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God from the same mouth come blessing and cursing my brothers, these things ought not to be. So does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and saltwater. Can AIG tree my brothers bear olives or grapevine produced figs? Neither can assault pond yield fresh water. Speaker 2 (31:46):Yeah. This is talking about our tongue and our words, but it's showing the discrepancy between things we say on one side of our mouth and things we say on the other side of our mouth that we bless God and we curse our brother. We have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in our hearts, yet we boast about our altruism and our love for our brother. This is discrepancy. This is something that we deal with. So the fact that sometimes we like, oh, I want to be this kind of person, but over here we're not okay with using, having a discrepancy in the way we speak and the things we say. And that's where, this is another thing where looking at the true value, the true value is what God says. And as the word says right here in James, these things ought not to be so , a discrepancy that needs to be a gap that needs to be closed there. Speaker 1 (32:38):Just going a little personal, is there anything that you've recognized that is, is there discrepancy in you or in something that you've recognized lately? Speaker 2 (32:50):One of the things that you haven't have had an issue in the past and something that you're recognizing is how you communicate To me, I've had the same issue with, you may not be in every circumstances, but when you're having a hard Speaker 1 (33:03):Time, your issue is how I communicate with you. I'm Speaker 2 (33:05):Kidding. No. How I communicate with you, how I respond to you When you communicate to me a certain way instead of me being self controlled and doing the right thing, I just do the wrong thing also this Speaker 1 (33:16):Cycle. Speaker 2 (33:17):But I also, I've realized that, and it's something I have grown in, but I have a problem with the way I've talked to my communicate children way I can communicate to my friends. But Speaker 1 (33:28):You've gotten better at Yeah, I have. But just to affirm you, you have grown in that Speaker 2 (33:32):And I appreciate that. But that that's something that God has showing me through this thing that's been going on with us and just saying, okay, God wants to deal with this discrepancy. Speaker 1 (33:42):He wants to chisel it out of us. Speaker 2 (33:44):He wants to cut it out. Yeah. There's just kind of highlighting more of this. I've been, I been listening to a new podcast called Hidden Brain and I'm really liking it. It just talks about these concept of how our brains work. And he was talking with a guest, the main host, and she said something that reminded me of this. She said, there's two versions of ourselves existing at the same time who we desire to be and who we are and that's why we've been talking about this. But she called it the present self and the future self. And often, Speaker 1 (34:17):Do you ever catch yourself talking to yourself in that way? Speaker 2 (34:21):I don't. No. Speaker 1 (34:21):Do you do that? No. I mean, I'm not going to admit it now. Sure. Not. Speaker 2 (34:25):No. I don't think I talked to my future self, but she said something that was pretty profound that we often make our future self pay the consequences of our presence. Self choices. Speaker 1 (34:37):Well, that's true. The donuts I eat today are going to affect me. Speaker 2 (34:42):So your future self has to pay the consequences of that current and this now this podcast at all. But she's saying things, I'm like, oh, that's exactly what the Bible says. Talking about how when you want to be healthy, you want to lose weight, you want to whatever your future self desires, but you're like, you want this momentary, fleeting thing. You're like, well, I'm going to sacrifice my future self's problems so today can have the pleasure instead of sacrificing the pleasure today so that you can enjoy the pleasure later. So I just, it's good. It was reminding me of everything that you were talking about with this, and then I heard this episode and I was like, that's exactly what we're going through is we often, we sacrifice our future selves. We make them pay the consequence of our current actions. Speaker 1 (35:32):And just so I don't sound crazy, I immediately got that thought in my mind of how people write those letters to their 17 year old self. Or going back Speaker 2 (35:40):Into, oh, talking to your past self maybe, or Speaker 1 (35:42):Going back and forth. Speaker 2 (35:43):What I You look crazy. I'm sure there's a lot, everyone listening, there's probably a bunch of people like, Speaker 1 (35:46):Yes, I don't talk to myself. Speaker 2 (35:48):No. But having conversations with your future self, I don't know. Speaker 1 (35:51):It's interesting. Speaker 2 (35:53):I don't usually think that far ahead, but that's also a problem. I need to think a little bit further ahead. Think ahead. Yeah. Speaker 1 (35:59):All right. Where are we at? Speaker 2 (36:00):Well, so we're getting closer to the end of this, but I think the idea, what I love about God and his word is the Bible is very clear and honest about who we are as humans. That's Speaker 1 (36:13):What I was going to say is honest. It's Speaker 2 (36:14):Honest, it's it. It's a mirror. It says it's sharper than any two edge sword cutting through the bone of marrow. No one's hidden from it. And you read the word, when you truly read it and you look at it, you see your truest self. You're like, oh my goodness. I like when we just came out, oh, I'm absolute error. That's the truth. Speaker 1 (36:35):But you also see the truth of who you are in Christ. Speaker 2 (36:39):Well, and that's what I'm saying is God created us and totally understands that we go through this stuff. (36:47):And what I love is it tells us that Jesus himself, he was tempted in every way, common demand. So all these things that were tempted with, tempted with feeling guilty about this or that tempted with knowing that we who wanting to do something this way, he's felt those temptations. No he didn't sin. He understands us. Romans seven 18, here's a good example for I know that nothing good dwells in me that is in my flesh for I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. Again, this is Paul talking about this. The Bible knows that there's nothing good in us in our flesh alone, but we do have the desire. God's like he sees this split, he sees this chasm. But what's awesome is with Christ Speaker 1 (37:38):We Speaker 2 (37:39):Can, yeah, Christ even says, he says, it's good that I go away because if I go away, then God will send you the helper, his Holy Spirit. He sent him specifically to be our helper because he knows we need help so much with everything in life. Speaker 1 (37:56):And when we yield to his authority and we yield to his headship in our lives, we do see transformation. Aaron has to remind me of this because sometimes I get cloudy and my woe is me. I'm so sad that I haven't changed yet. And you remind me of the good that's come. You remind me of the transformation that we've already made. Speaker 2 (38:16):Well now remind you that you have changed. Yeah. That who you are today, that's Speaker 1 (38:19):Not who Speaker 2 (38:19):It was, is a stark contrast to who you were 10 years ago. And you, you'd be proud of the woman you are. Yeah. But it's so hard for us to see. Clearly. We think we do, but we don't see. That's Speaker 1 (38:32):True. Marriage tip number one, we don't see clearly. Okay. So with this being a word that I'm going to be committing to dwelling on this year, a few questions came to my mind. And I don't necessarily have the answers to serve alongside these for you just yet, but more so I'm just posing the questions and asking God to help me dig a little deeper in order to be refined or chi. And Speaker 2 (38:53):These are questions we want them to Speaker 1 (38:55):Consider. Yeah. Why don't you guys take the opportunity to just let it soak in and ask yourselves the same thing. So the first one, is there a discrepancy in my spiritual walk between the things that I say I believe and what I actually believe? And this is where doubt really gets at me. This is where I know that I, it comes out in my actions because I'm going to do what I believe. Speaker 2 (39:23):And so it's different. Believe, yes. But I do this other thing. Really. I don't believe Speaker 1 (39:27):That. Exactly. And that's a problem. That's identifying, Speaker 2 (39:31):That's a discrepancy. Speaker 1 (39:32):Interesting. Yeah. Okay. , another question is, in my marriage, do I have a double standard? I love you or serve me, but I can't serve you. Do I have that mentality? Do I make commitments and say them to you, but don't carry them out? Discrepancy in marriage. Do I perceive myself to be a submissive wife? But do I have that integrity in me to be able to answer that truthfully? And then the last one is, when it comes to parenting, am I, Speaker 2 (40:10):That's a good one. This is convicting for me. Speaker 1 (40:13):Am I telling my kids to be kind, but I'm not being kind? Or even in small things? No, you can't have that or you can't watch that TV right now. And then not following through, through and immediately letting them. So that's just silly examples. But it happens. So oh, the other part of parenting is, am I sharing with other moms examples or, Hey, you should try this or do that. But I myself am not doing that. And it just makes me think absolute error. Speaker 2 (40:45):Well, and these questions are good for the husbands to be asking also. I mean, they just need to change some of the details. But we should be asking these questions of ourselves. Speaker 1 (40:55):I have one more. I skipped over it. In friendships, am I paying attention to what I'm saying and what I'm doing? Do I view myself as a good friend, but really in my actions I'm showing something else. Speaker 2 (41:08):So it's a good thing for us to ask the Lord, say, Lord, show us. See if there's any wicked way in us as David prayed. Find those things in us and help us change God, help change them in us so we can be more like your son Jesus. Speaker 1 (41:25):And then, so that was kind of the group of questions for relationships that I'm dealing with. And then bottom line is, how do these discrepancies hurt myself and others? And I think that's a really important question to ask because obviously we don't wanna go around hurting our spouse or hurting our children or hurting our friends. Speaker 2 (41:46):Well, Proverbs 11 says, the integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them. Speaker 1 (41:54):I love that contrast of having integrity versus not, and how obvious it is what we Speaker 2 (41:58):Should choose. One's straighten upright and one's crooked and treacherous. So when we don't walk in integrity, when we have deep discrepancy, cuz we, again, we're, we all have discrepancy, we all have a distance between who God wants us to be and who we are today. But there are things that we can recognize, those questions you asked that can actually bring immediate integrity and uprightness into our relationships versus not having and just staying more atten and it causing brokenness and anger. How does it make you feel when we end up in these areas where the discrepancy's actually hurting us? Speaker 1 (42:40):I usually feel discouraged and disappointed and disparaging just, well, what's wrong with me? And I get in my own head and I get down on myself because Speaker 2 (42:49):Remember are telling me in the middle of that the discussion when we're trying to work through it. Like I feel like I never change. And I'm like, well, and that's what I was encouraging. I was like, well, you have changed right now. You don't feel like it, but you have. Yeah. Speaker 1 (43:03):I think one of the biggest problems is that I'm just looking at myself in those moments. I'm looking at myself and how much I failed. And when we end up staying up late to talk about these things, and you remind me of Romans eight, one and the comfort and peace that I get from having anxious thoughts to relying on God's word and letting it seep in night and day Speaker 2 (43:28):Difference. Well, and I just to close out what we're talking about a discrepancy in my life, I'm just thinking about what those questions you asked being convicted lately. I've always encouraging others in the podcast and my relationships with my kids, with my friends to be abiding in God's word. And then I myself don't aide in it that well. I go long periods of time with not getting deep into the word. Speaker 1 (44:00):It's like you do, but you don't. Speaker 2 (44:01):Yeah. I said this at church on Sunday. We know when we're abiding and when we're not like, ah, maybe I was this week. No, we know. But that's that right there. Abiding with Christ means that we're next to him. So as he walks, we walk. When he sits, we sit. When he stands, we stand. And so if we want to shrink that discrepancy, then let's walk with Christ. Let's abide with him. This is the lifelong solution. It's what God desires. Speaker 1 (44:38):What's really cool about what you just said is I got this picture of earlier you were talking about version A and version B of Jen. If I'm only looking to myself and what I'm capable of as my version B, Jen kind of silly to think about that way I'm never going to reach that. And I'm going to feel that discouragement come on because I'm never meeting that Speaker 2 (44:59):Because you never get to Speaker 1 (45:00):Be here because I never get to that. But what I hear you saying is I'm not looking towards version bk. I'm supposed to be looking towards Christ. And he is my picture. Yep. He is the one. Speaker 2 (45:13):Well, and like you said, in one way, Speaker 1 (45:15):It's not a version of me, it's a version of Speaker 2 (45:16):Him. And in one way you're looking yourself only the other way you're looking at him. Yeah. Good stuff. So why don't we give them their new Speaker 1 (45:26):We're done already. Speaker 2 (45:27):Yep. Oh Speaker 1 (45:28):Man. I wanna keep going. Speaker 2 (45:30):All right. Well, they can keep Speaker 1 (45:32):Going. Okay. Let this growth start. So we thought it would be fun, since we kicked this off this new year with coming at you every week we thought every month we would add a new growth spurt section to the end of our podcast. And so what we mean is for four weeks, it will basically stay the same. And so we called it a growth spurt because we wanna encourage you guys this year to take those extra steps toward growth in your relationship with God, growth in your relationship with your spouse. And so for the month of January, we're going to focus on building trust and building integrity Speaker 2 (46:11):By doing what you say you Speaker 1 (46:13):Will, by doing what you say you will. And it kind of goes into that whole new year commitment thing. I know people do resolutions and things like that, so we wanna kind of tag along for this month, but we want to encourage you guys to do what you say you will Speaker 2 (46:27):Do. Let your yes be yes and no. And Speaker 1 (46:30):This is the first step towards getting rid of that discrepancy in your life. If you're someone that struggles in a specific area with discrepancy, let this be one action that you can take to try and close that gap. So it's really easy. You just get a note card or post it, put it somewhere where you're going to see it every day and write an area or a sentence on it or whatever a word, whatever you think is going to help you remember something that you struggle to commit to and just make a commitment to do it. Do you wanna give a couple of examples just that will be easy Speaker 2 (47:07):For husband's, wives? I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people that are committing to diets and exercise. If you say you're going to get up up you give an example of if you say you're going to do something with your kids, do it. I told Wyatt tonight, he always wants us to snuggle him. And I said, I can't tonight. And then usually I say, and he's like, well, can you do it tomorrow night? And I'll say, maybe. But tonight I was like, Wyatt, I will. Speaker 1 (47:33):So now you gotta stick to that Speaker 2 (47:34):And I'm going to stick to Speaker 1 (47:35):Aaron. We know what Aaron's going to write on his little post-it note. Okay. Another one might be like, if you say you're going to be home at this time, be home at this time. If you say you're going to, Speaker 2 (47:43):That's a big one in marriages, I think it Speaker 1 (47:46):Could be. Yeah. Yeah, it might be. Anyways, you guys get the idea. This is to encourage you with doing what you say and closing that gap on discrepancy. Awesome. The last thing that we wanna do, which we always have done, which we love doing with you guys, is closing out with a prayer. So please join me, us. Dear Lord, thank you for our lives. Thank you for this new year, and thank you for all of the opportunities you will give us this year to grow, to love, and to honor you. We pray we would be paying attention to the ways in which your Holy Spirit is leading us throughout each day. Please help us tune our ears and our hearts to hear your voice. We pray we would take seriously the commitments we make and strive to live with integrity. We pray we would understand who we are in you, and may our choices reflect our belief that you are transforming us. When we realize a discrepancy in our lives, please show us the way to reconcile how we feel and what we choose to do. Lord, please help us to walk uprightly, to honor our marriage and to fulfill your purpose for us. In Jesus' name, amen.   Connect With UsInstagram | @marriageaftergodInstagram | @unveiledwifeInstagram | @husbandrevolutionCheck out our marriage resources!SponsorsGet our new book The Marriage Gift - 365 prayers for your marriage!Our Sponsors:* Check out Mr. Pen and use my code MAG10 for a great deal: https://mrpen.comSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/marriage-after-god-biblical-advice-practical-tips-and-inspiring-/donations