Better Sex

An Intimacy that Includes Mind, Body, Heart, and Spirit My guests are Tina Schermer Sellers and Kamara McAndrews, and together they are sharing the important work of Gina Odgen who passed away last year. Gina herself was a sexual educator and researcher who explored the intersection of sexuality and spirituality. From it came the 4-D wheel of mind, body, heart, and spirit. In this episode, Tina and Kamara share their expertise in the 4-D wheel and gives many examples of its transformational power. Tina Schermer, Ph.D. is a marriage and family therapist, the author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, as well as an award-winning speaker and the founder of the Northwest Institute on Intimacy. Kamara McAndrews LMFT, CST is a certified sex therapist, the director of programming at the 4-D Network, an expert in teaching and spearheading wheel programs, and studied personally with Dr. Ogden herself. Gina Odgen’s Life and Mission As she is described during the episode, Gina was an amazing researcher in sexuality and devoted her life to her work. Her work began with studying women who were easily orgasmic, and it evolved into the connection between spirituality and sexuality. She also studied Native American spiritualism, which was the precursor for her developing the 4-D Network for Mind, Body, Heart, & Spirit. She was also one of the first researchers to ask these personalized sexual questions to such a large number of people. Her methodology was very narrative driven, and she noticed that the responses people were giving in their surveys all touched upon the 4 crucial aspects of the wheel model she pioneered. The 4-D Wheel To understand the 4-D wheel, we are told to imagine a square clock on the ground that has 4 separate quadrants: one for the mind, body, heart, and spirit. Both Tina and Kamara share just how versatile the wheel is, as well. It can be used for just about anything in your life. For instance, if you are stuck in any position, you can take objects that have certain representations and place them in quadrants. This works very well with couples’ therapy as well. And for those who have anxiety, it can function as a very powerful tool for handling it. This means you take an object that represents anxiety and move into the emotional quadrant or the mental quadrant. And then you take an object that represents the opposite of anxiety, like calm, and put it wherever you feel you need it most. This type of exercise is great for thinking about things from a creative perspective and for externalizing specific areas. Much more is said within the episode; don’t miss it! Sexually Specific Examples of the 4-D Wheel Tina said she’s had couples come in who were really stuck in their relationship. In one of these couples, there was trauma in the man’s life that had surfaced. They had seen 5 different therapists for addiction recovery, group work, and various individual counseling, and then they came to Tina. She did wheel work with this couple who had struggled for so long. They brought symbols with them about what it meant for each of them to move closer into intimacy with each other. And it was through the wheel work and the externalization and explanation of his struggles that led to an impactful realization between them. The female partner was able to see his trauma externalized, and it was eye-opening. Really awesome example and she says much more within the episode! Group Versus Individual Wheel Work There are a lot of differences between group and individual wheel work. One of these differences is that we all often feel isolated in our suffering. Even if we go to therapy, it can still be a very alienating experience sometimes. Group work, on the other hand, actually focuses on using triggers to get at the root of traumas and bring it out or externalize it. In the midst of a group, this can not only be effective but also powerful as well. This can apply to sexual issues of premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, desire discrepancies between couples, shame from an overactive libido, and myriad other things. Suggestions for Those Who Want to Try Kamara suggests going to Gina Odgen’s website and looking through the many valuable resources and books there. Also, Tina has a book called Sex, God, and the Conservative Church, which is amazing as well. In addition to all the books that Gina has written, Kamara suggests that you could also just write down cards that say mind, body, heart, and spirit on them and actually apply the same techniques for externalizing feelings and thoughts through objects. It’s an extremely versatile practice with a lot of flexibility. There are more suggestions within! Other Practitioners of the 4-D Wheel Network Tina and Kamara share that they are teaching people how to become certified 4-D practitioners. On the 4-D website, there is an events page that includes other people who lead retreats and various outreaches for these types of teachings. Be sure to check out all of the resources and get in touch with them if you are interested in this fascinating offshoot of the field. Key Links: Tina’s Website: http://www.tinaschermersellers.com/ Institute on Intimacy Website: https://nwioi.com/ The 4-D Network Site: https://4-dnetwork.com/ Thank God For Sex: http://www.thankgodforsex.org/ She Is Called: https://www.sheiscalled.com/ Affiliate links: Tina’s book – Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: https://amzn.to/2EZEjeG From Diapers to Dating: https://amzn.to/2WqKmno More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Jim Fleckenstein. He is a coach and educator on sexuality. He is also a researcher who focuses predominantly on non-exclusive relationships and how they affect the individuals involved. He is an expert in consensual non-monogamy and a wellspring of knowledge and insight, which he graciously shares in this episode. Jim shares stats and information on consensual non-monogamy, how those who practice it are reporting an overwhelming amount of satisfaction and happiness, how emotional needs have a lot to do with those who are drawn towards it, and how these relationship structures are actually much more common than you may have realized. This is just the tip of the iceberg of this discussion though. Listen along and learn a lot about this interesting topic! The Three Main Divisions of Consensual Non-Monogamy To start the interview, Jim breaks down consensual non-monogamy into polyamory, swinging, and open relationships. Polyamory is separate from the others because there is a chance for a deep emotional connection to be reinforced. While the others are more reserved for sexual acts, polyamory is can delve into the emotional as well as the sexual components of a relationship. Jim says that swinging is probably the oldest of the trio. And for those who don’t know, it’s a couple-centric act where couples work hard to establish an emotional wall to prevent emotional developments. They also don’t have sex independently of one another. And in open relationships, partners are free to seek sexual liaisons outside of the primary relationship. Emotional connection is not established, and unlike swingers, they don’t participate in sexual acts together but do their own thing instead. Jim says much more within the episode. Listen along! The Reasons Why Certain People Prefer Consensual Non-Monogamy For the reasons why people go the non-monogamous route, Jim says it has a lot to do with the emotional needs of the person. He says the question of “what is it that I am trying to attain here?” is a great question to ask to evaluate your emotional needs. Your needs will determine which version of consensual non-monogamy that you gravitate towards and want to eventually practice–if you do end up deciding that your emotional needs warrant the lifestyle, of course. Jim also talks about the boundaries that are established and how respecting those boundaries is important for the healthy functioning of any consensual non-monogamous relationship. Tune in! How Many People are Practicing? Jim says that it’s difficult to have an accurate number or statistic for those who practice non-monogamous relationships. This is due to the fact that individuals can lose their jobs and their kids because of it, and in addition, it is still highly stigmatized in our country. This leads to a lot of people practicing in clandestine ways. So, because of these factors, it’s hard to trust the surveys and numbers out there. But according to the stats, Jim says that somewhere between 2-7% of all relationships are practiced through one of the three divisions of consensual non-monogamy. The Importance of Education Jim shares a lot of important information on how people learn about polyamory or swinging by attending educational events where people discuss consensual non-monogamy in a non-sexual environment. Often the trepidations that occur can be alleviated through more understanding. And as is brought up during the episode, some of the concerns of being pressured by a partner into swinging or an open relationship can be addressed once more information is processed. He also makes it clear this needs to be a mutual decision. Who knows, maybe all it takes is a couple of events and you will comfortable enough with shifting your relationship dynamic! Maybe it will confirm your anxiety. Becoming educated is key! It destigmatizes and demystifies. Go-To Resources for Jim He says that his favorite go-to book is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, for those who are curious about learning about or trying this relationship dynamic. It is a very comprehensive resource. The Ethical Slut is a good book as well, in addition to Designer Relationships. And for those who may have experienced infidelity, Tammy Nelson has a good book called The New Monogamy for handling the subject. Key (Affiliate) Links for Jim: Books he recommends: Opening Up : https://amzn.to/2WWhgZO Designer Relationships : https://amzn.to/2Jk3k7p The Ethical Slut :https://amzn.to/2th3tzf The New Monogamy : https://amzn.to/2Dy0Yxl Jim’s website: https://www.affirmativeintimacy.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Signs of sexual trauma in children My guest for this episode is Amy Lang: she has been teaching sex for over 25 years now with an emphasis on teaching kids about sexuality in an effective, healthy way. Amy has a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. She started her foray into sexual education as a hobby, but she soon made her own company once she realized how uncomfortable she was with talking to her son about sex. Amy’s company is Birds and Bees and Kids. Currently, she educates parents to properly communicate and teach their own children about sex. In this episode, we talk about educating children about sex. Specifically, we give a lot of attention to sexual abuse topics, noticing red flags in your child’s sexual development or behavior, and what to do if your child comes forward as a victim (or a perpetrator) of sexual abuse. These are heavy topics, but they are far too important to ignore. Normal Sexual Behaviors and When to be Concerned Amy says that typical sexual behavior includes what she calls ‘penis meetings’ and ‘vulva conventions’–or other types of behaviors that are based on natural anatomical curiosity between other children. This type of experimentation is normal for all kids. Ages 9-12 is when the experimentation ramps up and can get a little more serious, as porn is typical first viewed within this age range. And then as kids hit the 13-16 age range, Amy says that “all bets are off. They are pretty much doing everything.” Amy says that a way to assess if your child’s sexual behavior is something to be concerned about is just to listen to what they’re saying. If the language sounds adult-like and too established for their age, that is a red flag. And when it comes to self-stimulation, any age for children is normal to start. But it is a red flag if the child is self-stimulating in public on a consistent basis. She goes into much more detail and expands upon this topic within the talk, including a few anecdotes that clarify some of these red-flag behaviors. Our Compulsion to Report Sexual Abuse in Children As Amy points out, adults have a tendency to report any sexualized behaviors in children as a result of sexual abuse when that’s often not the case. Children commonly experiment and discover their bodies in very demonstrative ways, and this is natural. So, shaming kids that exhibit these natural behaviors can be very harmful. Yes, in a public setting, there are boundaries that should be upheld. But corrections that are made shouldn’t be done in a way that shames the natural expression of a child’s sexuality. Communicating in a clear, kind, and simple way is the best way. Of course, though, there are instances where sexual abuse does happen. Some of the red flags for sexual abuse are if the behavior is adult-like, if the behavior is repeated despite multiple corrections, and if the behavior is not between two kids of similar age–say a discrepancy of 3 or more years. For more on this, including red flags between siblings, listen along. Advice for Parents if a Child Discloses Abuse Your natural response would be to react emotionally and get angry if your child came forth and disclosed any sexual abuse that they experienced. Amy advises parents in this situation to stay as calm as possible after your initial reaction. And then ask the important questions in a calm manner: the who, what, when, and where of the abuse. Being gentle is key in this time. She gives some very valuable tips and advice within this section of the interview that everyone should check out, including information on therapy, what to do after sexual abuse, and the complications and confusions that can occur during an abuse. Handle Concerns Calmly There are aberrant sexual behaviors, and there is normal sexual experimentation between children. As a parent, it is important to educate yourself on the difference and to not victimize another child if they exhibit abnormal sexual behaviors. They need help, from a positive place; treating them the same way you would treat an adult who exhibited those behaviors is not constructive, but actually harmful. Resources for Parents Amy provides great resources for you if you are currently dealing with a similar situation that was discussed within this episode. One of the organizations is Stopitnow.org for handouts, resources, and information. All of this is on her website. Check below for links! Key Links for Amy: Her website: https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ Amy’s book, Birds, Bees & Kids: http://bettersexpodcast.com/amylangbook Stopitnow.org– https://stopitnow.org Amy’s podcast, Just Say This! – https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/just-say-this/id1440215158 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

This episode is a wealth of information. It is delivered by the expert guidance of guest Dr. Sheila Addison and covers many important elements of transgender and cisgender relationships, the transgender community in general, post-surgery sex, sex between cisgender and transgender partners, how identities are designated at birth, the psychology and complexities of gender identity, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Dr. Sheila has a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy. She has a private practice where her client base is about as diverse as it gets, ranging from LBGTQ to Poly Friendly and more. She has an amazing mind and qualified to boot, and her message is absolutely, overwhelmingly important when considering the challenges that the transgender community face and what cisgender people can do to help! Transgender Versus Cisgender To start, Dr. Sheila reminds listeners that we have all been designated as a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ at birth. This excludes a small number of people who are born as “intersex”, which means their genitals are ambiguous and thus difficult to determine definitively (Gender isn’t binary in any sense – whether you’re talking about genitals or chromosomes; maybe another episode on this later). But for the majority of people, the gender they are assigned at birth fits with their gender identity as they develop throughout life. If you fall into the category, you are cisgender. The ‘cis’ prefix corresponds to mean ‘same’. On the other end of the spectrum, if you haven’t positively identified with the gender that was assigned to you at birth, you are transgender. For those who are born without a clear designation of male or female, the gender identity process can be much more complex than the binary ‘boy or girl’ designations that normally occur at birth. Dr. Sheila eloquently explains the nuances during the talk. Listen in! The Importance of Furthering Education on Gender Identity Dr. Sheila stresses the importance of seeing cisgender and transgender as identities and not conditions. As the nomenclature has shifted and the identities have garnered more societal understanding, Sheila still wishes we that we all had more comprehensive learning opportunities for the cisgender/transgender relationship dynamic and everything the identity entails. Sheila states that an important place to start is being educated enough on the topic to know which questions to ask. And because it’s inevitable that transgender and cisgender individuals will become romantically and sexually involved, the sooner efforts are taken for a balanced understanding, the better. On a Cisgender and Transgender Relationship Providing comfort for a transgender individual is an important role for a cisgender person. This means that the cisgender person is not trying to process the challenges of being transgender so much, but just communicating and giving comfort. She talks about the importance of getting the guidance of a good couple’s therapist–one who can spearhead and direct the processing of certain emotions and feelings. In addition to this very important component, Sheila also devotes some time to discuss the importance of the social aspect of gender identity. She also talks about making sure you understand what your transgender partner is envisioning when they talk about transitioning, and so forth. Really, really important information within. Transgender Surgery and Sexual Expectations This is a rich part of the interview. There’s a lot of ground that is covered and listening along is a must. But to summarize a few important elements: communicating about physical expectations after surgery is very important for sex. There are many variations and options for each individual, so having discussions about expectations is crucial. And because genitalia will function the same after surgery, during a transition from cisgender to transgender, the individual going through that transformation needs support first and foremost. Sit with Your Ambiguity Dr. Sheila encourages you to be more curious in your attraction – mot to make a huge statement, but to lessen our societal tendency to limit our own desires and attractions. So often we get in our own way when it comes to sexual attraction and openness; Sheila encourages you to ‘be a scientist’. This means to keep an open mind despite current societal pressures to do the opposite. Taking a Stand for Transgender People One of the most important things for a cisgender person to do for their transgender partner is to take a stand for them. This means being actively involved in making society more welcoming and comfortable for transgender people. Having that social presence is a positive reinforcement for transgender partners and should not be taken lightly! Key Links for Dr. Sheila: (Affiliate links for Books that Sheila references): The Trans Partner Handbook https://amzn.to/2UvzE9t The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People https://amzn.to/2XtEgPc Trans/Love https://amzn.to/2IKCrJq Queer Sex https://amzn.to/2GzC7vU Fucking Trans Women https://amzn.to/2XoNJHm Her Website: https://drsheilaaddison.com/ Sheila’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/drsaddison?lang=en Her LinkedIn Page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sheilaaddison/ Sheila’s Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/sheilaaddisonmft —– More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest is Dr. Lori Brotto. She works at the University of British Columbia Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Lori has a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in psychophysiology. She is a practicing psychologist and also spearheads a lab, which focuses on mindfulness-based approaches for the sexual health of women. And within this episode, she talks specifically about mindfulness and its many powerful applications to sexuality, alleviating sexual dysfunction and performance anxiety, and overall increasing the enjoyability of sex in general. There’s so much to say about experiencing each and every moment. Listen along and enjoy! Defining Mindfulness As Dr. Lori states, mindfulness is derived from a larger form of meditation practice called ‘mindfulness meditation’. This discipline has deep cultural and historical roots of about 3,000 years. Mindfulness meditation practices are entrenched in Buddhist worldviews, but in the past four decades or so, mindfulness has undergone a secular shift, which explains its prevalence in the mainstream. In its most simple form, mindfulness means a present, non-judgmental awareness of every moment. Everything is just observed, as Lori states, meaning that any existing anxiety or insertion of judgment is cast aside for the experience of the now. Overlap of Mindfulness and Sex Lori states that something clicked during her work with women who were fundamentally disconnected from their bodies during sex. This means that a lot of women were reporting a lack of physical arousal and being present with physical sensation–which is a pretty common report after all. Lori was wondering if there was a way to apply traditional mindfulness practices with sex, as a way for women to reconnect with their bodies and thus experience sex on a much deeper, physical level. For more on the research, studies, and overall preparation and insight that went into these findings, Lori says more during the episode! The Many Applications of Mindfulness for Men and Women As Lori states, mindfulness is an extremely effective and important intervention because about a third of women are on the lower spectrum for sexual desire and interest; in fact, mindfulness has been shown to increase the levels of desire for most women. In addition, populations of women who experience heightened vaginal pain have benefited, as well as men who have survived prostate cancer. Because the majority of men who undergo prostate cancer treatments are subjected to permanent erectile difficulties, mindfulness can be applied with very beneficial results–not from a physical standpoint, but as a way to shift the understanding of sexual satisfaction and to discover new approaches towards a satisfying sex life. Listen along for more! Recommendations for Practicing Mindful Sex Lori says that she recommends that you first practice mindfulness outside of a sexual context. So, instead of just jumping in and trying mindful sex right away, practicing it at least 15 minutes a day is recommended. This means just being present in whatever moment you are in, being aware, and cultivating the necessary attentional skills. This can involve a ‘body scan’, where the participant follows along with an audio guide or through self-guidance. And after about 4 weeks of body scan practices, usually, a visual sensation is added into the practice with a mirror and to various body parts, noting and being aware of the various sensations. The purpose of all this being that the sexual side of the practice is gradually introduced. Listen along to hear more about this! Alternatives to the Body Scan When asked if there were other options beside the body scan, Dr. Lori provided plenty of practices that cultivate mindfulness just as well. You can practice ‘eating meditation’ or just mindful eating where participants eat food with a very deliberate awareness. Raisins are often used. And because most of us often pop multiple raisins in our mouth without thought, mindfully eating individual raisins with awareness is a great way of cultivating that ‘in the moment’ type of focus that can contribute to profound sexual experiences. Breath meditation is another effective practice for cultivating mindfulness! Dr. Lori shares some more techniques along with the best resources she knows of. You won’t want to miss it! Key Links for Dr. Lori: Twitter: https://twitter.com/drloribrotto Her website and research: https://brottolab.med.ubc.ca/ Affiliate link for the book: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: https://amzn.to/2UJBPv0 Phone number: Tel 604 875 4111 ext. 68901 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sexual Health within the Christian Faith Starting with a little background on Rachel, she is a psychotherapist who works with clients who have experienced trauma and in sexuality in general. When considering her certification, she has been certified through AASECT and is a part of the American Academy of Psychotherapists. Rachel has long been equal parts fascinated and troubled by the suppression of sexuality from the church, and she looks to bridge the gap between a healthy practice and expression of sexuality and faith. Dr. Beverly Dale is a Reverend and received her Doctor of Ministry from the Chicago Theological Seminary. She is also the founder of the Incarnation Institute for Sex & Faith, which has the mission of bringing a positive perception of sex for all involved. Both Rachel and Beverly wrote a book called Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client which will be released soon! And in this episode, they both discuss the needless negative stigma that surrounds sexuality from a church’s perspective: both in doctrine as well as practice. They provide an analysis as well as solutions. Really impactful stuff that I know you’ll get a lot out of! Listen along. Their New Book! They both wrote to give a resource to those who might be tied up with their Christian faith and yet are facing seemingly insurmountable sexual problems. The book is a major step towards providing solutions for the sort of sexual gridlock that may occur. And the book wasn’t just designed with Christians in mind, but those who may have moved on from Christianity as well and are seeking sexual healing or are looking for answers to pressing questions. This is expanded upon in the talk where the distinction between a client’s belief and their faith is clarified. Listen in for that! Deconstructing Belief They approach their clients through the lens of showing that beliefs are separate from experience. Because the church teaches certain principles and gives commandments, a lot of time clients tend to equate the commandments with the faith experience, and both Beverly and Rachel are working diligently to shift perceptions. Without being able to separate belief from experience, healing in the sexual realm is much more difficult. Reconstructing the Christian Narrative Those with the most power tend to write history. And as Beverly states about the many forms of the Christian narrative and practice during the heyday of the Greco-Romans, Christianity used to be much more sexually oriented and positive. But because bodies were not as central to the Greco-Roman zeitgeist, conformity to a much less inclusive version of Christianity was a result. Beverly and Rachel look to remind people that the Christianity we have today is much different than it used to be. And in fact, one of the reasons that Jesus was so radical at the time was that he didn’t conform to the misogynistic culture of the Romans. A really interesting look into history. Check them out! Impacts of the Church’s Sexual Negativity The most common, which most of us have experienced, is sexual shame or guilt. And a lot of the work that Rachel and Beverly do is provide examples of how shame cycles and negatively impact lives. In addition, they aren’t spiritual advisors, they just add the necessary disruption to the normal narrative, meaning that clients are left with a little bit of cognitive dissonance on the whole subject of sexuality and the church instead of just adhering to the rules without analysis. Problematic sexual behaviors are discussed as well, especially for our youth. What often happens with the church is that young people are not given the information they need, and they spiral into porn addiction or shame and guilt that could have been prevented had they been properly sexually educated. Really listen along to this important information. A 4-Part Process for Sexual Shame and Guilt Rachel and Beverly utilize the theologian John Wesley’s methods of using reason and personal experience, among two other elements that are discussed. This type of analysis revolves around comparing what the church says and what the bible says, almost as a way to check and balance the different dialogues and their divergences. And in one of the best parts of the episode, Beverly reminds you that you have permission to break rules in this domain because Jesus himself was a rule breaker. So rules laid out by the church are not gospel, so to speak, if they don’t align with the bible. Resources and Tools from Rachel and Beverly Rachel says you should determine a touch history for yourself and ask questions that relate to you if you were touch-deprived (not hugged a lot or touched) as a child and how that has possibly affected you on an intimate level. In addition, both provide valuable information and resources in the annotated bibliography of Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client. And also, Rachel shares some book suggestions. And to cap off the episode, Rachel talks about sexual beliefs and shares much more resources! Including details of their new book and its release date. Key Links for Rachel and Beverly: Books referenced by both: Unprotected Texts – https://www.amazon.com/Unprotected-Texts-Bibles-Surprising-Contradictions/dp/0061725390 Sex Texts From the Bible – https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Texts-Bible-Selections-Illuminations/dp/1594732175 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest on today’s show is Stephanie Beuhler. She’s a licensed therapist, AASECT certified sex therapist, a graduate of UCLA and Pepperdine (among others), and a best-selling writer who has authored many enlightening books on sexuality and sex therapy, including intimacy in particular which her book Counseling Couples Before, During, and After Pregnancy: Sexuality and Intimacy Issues, touches on. She has also extended her prolific leanings with more academic-centered projects for textbooks and journals. And most important of all, she is extremely passionate and caring towards her patients regarding topics of sexuality, cancer survivors, and infertility issues. And this episode will dive into how infertility can affect couples and the many approaches towards mitigating the challenges that can arise. Stephanie Beuhler is an amazing guest and an even more amazing provider of insight and illumination on the topic. Enjoy! Some of the Manifestations of Infertility Issues in Sex Lives A lot of couples who are struggling with the issue of infertility usually complain about just how robotic the act feels. You go to a doctor, you track the most opportune times for conception, and you work on it. Stephanie says that sex than can feel like a ‘job’ for many people. Instead of sex being this freeing and liberating thing, it is largely a matter of sticking to a schedule and punching the time card. It can be very discouraging to have difficulties getting pregnant and then having the sexual issues poured on top of that. In short, the pressure to perform on demand can lead to erectile dysfunction in men. The stress that accumulates from peers who are having kids, from parents who want grandkids, all of those factors can have very detrimental effects on the quality of relationships. Fortunately, there are solutions and ways to manage these issues and approach infertility through a healthier lens. Same-Sex Couples and Infertility-Type Issues Stephanie states that it is a different dynamic between same-sex couples because they go into the process knowing that they will either be getting a sperm donation, a surrogate mother or adopting. But this also comes with its fair share of complications and stresses. Many times, it’s hard to know what choice is best for the couple. And the process for adoption can be a very time-consuming and expensive process. While talking on this subject, Stephanie shares a very interesting stat and trend for LGBT couples and birth rates--in fact, on birth rates in general. Listen along to hear her speak on the topic. The Most Common Sexual Problems for Women Stephanie talks of painful vaginal intercourse for women being of the many problems that can arise for women, which leads to a lack of possibility for pregnancy. And this is described and represented under the diagnosis of vaginismus. Vaginismus means that intercourse is not possible for women because of past traumas or often, there is no single distinguishing cause and can happen without any pattern or correlative reason. It can lead to extreme pain during sex, and even the insertion of tampons can become impossible for women with vaginismus. Stephanie goes into much more detail during the episode. And it is important stuff to be aware of. Sexual Problems for Men The problems for men usually range from low desire, premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfunction. And when talking about erectile dysfunction, it can be caused by the pressure of trying to get pregnant and just how crucial the timing can be. And maybe, as Stephanie states, it can even be the result of the ambivalence of the man who may be second-guessing having children in the first place. And even the financial aspects of having a kid can lead to erectile dysfunction. In fact, Stephanie states that it is one of the biggest reasons why many men develop erectile dysfunction, in general, is stress about finances. For this and more interesting facts, including some information on delayed ejaculation, listen along! When All Else Fails, Take a Break! Advice that Stephanie gives for couples often involves telling them to stop trying for pregnancy for a little bit. Sometimes all it takes is that relaxation and the stress-relief of not having to try so hard to reframe the whole obstacle and bring passionate sex back into the mix. That way disappointments and expectations are kept to a minimum as well. And who knows, it can even lead to pregnancy given the relaxed atmosphere. It can also relieve pressure in the dynamic, which can alleviate erectile dysfunction and a variety of other performance issues. For much more on desire during pregnancy and this important topic, listen along! Key Links for Stephanie: Website and Resources for Stephanie: https://thebuehlerinstitute.com/ || https://www.learnsextherapy.com/ Affiliate Links for her books: Counseling Couples Before, During, and After Pregnancy: Sexuality and Intimacy Issues: https://amzn.to/2TCBNo7 What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex:https://amzn.to/2UDvjBJ Sex, Love, and Mental Illness: A Couple's Guide to Staying Connected (Sex, Love, and Psychology): https://amzn.to/2XXySF7 A Heart-Pounding Guide to Passionate Sex: https://amzn.to/2CkmPse More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

As my guest Ellen Dechesne relates during this episode, sex in your later years, what is defined as the ‘third stage’ of your life, is a very important and relevant topic to consider.A self-proclaimed late bloomer for hitting sexual milestones and other life events, sex has nonetheless been a very central part of Ellen’s life since her birth around the advent of the sexual revolution in the U.S. And very recently, Ellen was a baby boomer who was dating in her 60’s to go on and eventually find the guy of her dreams.And so, through listening to this all-important perspective on the sexual needs of older people, Ellen will teach you of the attention and awareness that needs to be given to this facet of life. And in fact, she offers a very encouraging testament to the longevity of sexual experience we can continue to have well within the later years of our lives.A Different Emphasis in the Early YearsAs Ellen states near the beginning of the interview, she didn’t necessarily reach or experience her sexual potential until she was in her later years. At first, she wanted to emphasize relationships and raising a family far more than being aspirational about sex. And despite acknowledging that she had plenty of opportunities to take more risks with sex and strive for something much more fulfilling, she didn’t actively seek it until later.Younger MenIn her 30’s, Ellen talks about how she discovered the distinct joys of being sexually active with younger men, which she attributes to their enthusiasm to be with an older woman who knows what she wants. And Ellen wants to remind women who approach their 50’s and who are still single, to consider dating a younger man (even quite a bit younger). The older woman/younger man dynamic is fully supported by Ellen!Marriages, Children, and her TransformationShe was married for the first time at the age of 39 and then again a couple of years later that led to her becoming the diplomatic wife of an economist. Her son was born when she was 41, and her daughter at 46. And it was after a sexless marriage that Ellen decided it wasn’t working and the marriage ended.Once she hit her mid-50’s though, part of Ellen’s transformation was spurred by her attendance at an erotica and film festival. And it was through these events and the people she met there that really opened her eyes to how one can still be sexually active despite being in your third-stage of life. She goes into much more detail within the episode. Check it out!Sex as a Self-Rescue OperationWhile all her peers were settling down and had already started raising children, Ellen found herself single and without children. She started pursuing erotic relationships as a form of self-rescue, as she puts it. That way she could stay fresh and invigorated and wouldn’t find herself resigned like some of the other middle-aged women she had encountered. And, this kept her from becoming depressed about how her previous focuses on motherhood and marriage had eluded her. And as experts have echoed, keeping sexual activity consistent makes it easier to keep pursuing erotic activities all your life. Ellen says she has reaped the rewards of that fact.Ellen Didn’t Call it QuitsOne of the most important concepts that Ellen echoes in this episode is that older women have to be resilient. If you find yourself single at an older age, don’t just give up. It may be tempting, but there is so much more sex to be had, as her actions have shown.Instead of quitting when she found herself single at 59, she went to the gym, invested money in a program that made sure she was as sexually vibrant as she could be, and found the man of her dreams shortly after. And she also provides some of the physical therapies and details on her diet and hormone replacement treatment that has helped her maintain her libido and vibrant sex life. Much more within the episode!How to Deal with Third Stage Sex Challenges When They Come UpEllen recounts how her husband dealt with low testosterone and the challenges he experienced with his libido and the new approach they took to keeping active, dancing, and restructuring the dynamic to welcome the incidence as just a new stage in the relationship. She admitted that it was difficult to deal with wanting sex more than her younger husband, but challenges can always be overcome. And plus, Ellen just doesn’t accept that we must accept that sex just kind of dies and grays out within us. We get out what we expect of it, so active participation in the process is required. Really powerful stuff here!Sexually Active Until the EndWhat a beautiful thought it is to be sexually active until the end. And indeed, what is stopping us from achieving this goal or entertaining the idea? Ellen states that older women should be seen more like an authority on the subject and that as a voice they are here to stay! Check out this very inspiring and encouraging talk.Key Links for Ellen: Ellen’s Email if you want to get in touch with her: olderbabe@shaw.caMore info:Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

62: My guest is Mariah Freya, the founder of Beducated.com, which is a website and repository of online courses, resources, and tantric-infused concepts for more conscious sex. And today, Mariah stops by to share with you and demystify Yoni and Lingam massage, various aspects of how to have more conscious sex, and ultimately achieve what she calls ‘the final frontier of personal development’. This is important stuff to consider for a complete understanding of the potential of human sexuality, and so I invite you to listen along and learn. Please note that I am an affiliate for Beducated, and if you purchase courses using links provided, I will earn a commission. Thanks for your support! Conscious Versus Conventional Sex Simply put by Mariah, conscious sex has more awareness and present-ness. It involves partners who are fully engaged and in tune with every sensation and moment of the act, and not disconnected. It is, in essence, mindful sex. And what Mariah acknowledges the most is that many who have sex are just rushing through things, not so much consciously but out of fear and vulnerability. This makes it hard to actively seek to be present during sex, especially if you’re uncomfortable with your naked body and feel vulnerable. Conscious sex becomes less about quickly ‘achieving’ an orgasm and more so about experiencing the full engagement and sensation of your partner in a mindful, present way. Mariah devotes more time to explain within the episode if you want to know more. Reasons for Fear of Sex Mariah offers some explanations for the reasons why someone may detach themselves and not experience the act in a conscious manner. She states that it’s the act of being naked and shedding that layer of defense that we are so used to having. Because we are clothed more often than not, just the simple state of nakedness can make someone feel very insecure and as if something is not normal. That self-consciousness can detract away from conscious sex. Also, Mariah states that a lot of time because of some ethical benchmarks we have carried with us or translate into the actions we take, we can often feel ashamed of our sexual desires and thus suppress them instead of exploring them in a conscious manner. This is very common. And Mariah offers more examples within the episode. How to Have a More Positive Relationship with your Body Mariah says it’s about redefining what beautiful means. A lot of our own body image is negatively reinforced because of the beauty industry or porn--where anatomical facets are inflated and exaggerated for idealistic effect. In practice, this means faking it until you make it as far as positive body image goes. You can stand in front of the mirror and just notice all of the things about your body that you don’t like. You can then notice and acknowledge those feelings and work on reframing them in a positive manner. Ask yourself, ‘what do I like about my body? What do I really cherish?” Sexuality as ‘The Last Frontier of Personal Development’ Mariah truly urges you to rethink sexuality and how important it is for loving yourself and expressing yourself, especially in the personal development realm. If we never develop sexually, we are not realizing a very crucial aspect of our humanity and a powerful avenue for self-expression. Yoni and Lingam Massage Both terms respectively have Sanskrit meanings: Yoni for Vagina and Lingam for penis. And as Mariah expounds upon, both have deeper, more descriptive meanings: Yoni means ‘the sacred temple’, and Lingam stands for “the wand of light”. And to start, it is through the positive connotations and attribution of the genitals with these descriptions that can help remove some of the negative stigmas some carry regarding their genitalia. But Mariah also states that the Lingam massage is more than just a conscious hand job. It is spiritually healing and goes into a much more profound territory. And it was through these practices and a tantric workshop in India that Mariah was really opened to the beauty, potential, and inner-activation of the discipline that unlocked a real sea change in her own sexual life. She goes into the autobiographical details during the episode and it’s really great! From Numbness and Pain to Pleasure Really, the whole point of these deliberately conscious sexual acts is to address a numbness or a trauma that shows up around the genitals. And once attention and energy have been devoted to that area, an awakening happens. It can come with pain, not so much physical pain but an emotional outpouring that translates into the potential for an overwhelming and profound pleasure. A deeper connection with your body, partner, and your soul is achieved through this conscious activity. Is All of This Obtainable for the Average Person? Very much so! With a wealth of online courses, including Mariah’s course, anyone who is interested can get started. And for those who can travel, India is a hotspot for tantric activity and instruction. Although, Mariah wants to stress that the word ‘tantric’ is highly marketable and buzzworthy right now, so a lot of erotic massages are being packaged as ‘tantric’. And as has been stated, these massages only focus on the pleasure aspect of the spectrum, which is not all that ‘tantra’ really focuses on. There is nothing wrong with erotic massage or pleasure, but to get the full experience, be wary that there’s more to it than that! And she goes through some of the details of what’s involved with both the Yoni and Lingam online courses that she spearheads. Listen in for all of that, and follow the links below to check them out! Support the show using these affiliate links for Mariah (I earn a small commission on your purchases): The Bededucated website: https://beducated.com/mariah-freya/ The Yoni Massage Online Course: https://beducated.com/courses/yoni-massage/?ref=10313_pkgzh832 For the Lingam Massage Online Course: https://beducated.com/courses/lingam-massage/?ref=10313_pkgzh832 More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

My guest for this episode is Dr. Valerie Rein. She is an author, psychologist, and in addition, founded Her Genius, Inc. Through her work, she has coined the term Patriarchal Stress Disorder to capture and reflect upon the historical dynamic of predominantly patriarchal power structures throughout time. And more specifically, how patriarchy has negatively affected women throughout the years, all the way up to the present. This has led to a suppression of femininity, of being expressive and celebratory about womanhood while in an open space and without fear. And because of recent understandings of genetics and inherited aspects of our recent ancestral roots, we can very well inherit traumas from certain groups. And yes, that supposes and is backed by evidence that women inherit patriarchal stress from ancestors who were suppressed and oppressed in previous generations. Both men and women can inherit certain traumas, but in this highly interesting episode, Valerie walks us through patriarchal stress in particular. You’ll really get a lot out of this one. A Missing Link to Better Sex After working as a therapist for many years, Valerie started noticing that there were underlying traumas that could be addressed in her patients which would lead to better sex in their sex lives, depending on the various levels of resolution or therapy work. But Valerie also started noticing that women who didn’t have any particular traumas to work on were still responding as positively to the therapy as those who did. She eventually realized that there was a correlation or causative link between these invisible traumas and the fact that society has been predominantly patriarchal. This coupled with genetic transmission led to the massive breakthrough. More Than Just Better Sex! But better sex wasn’t the only benefit to come out of these type of trauma therapy. Really, it changed everything in her patients in a good way: from money flow, to professional success, to relationship wellbeing, to other various aspects, all rooted in this trauma that had been inherited from previous ancestral oppression according to exactive patriarchal structures. She goes further into detail during the episode to explain the dynamic even more! Valerie was Suffering as Well As Valerie states, a very ironic part of this whole story and discovery was that Valerie believed herself to be untouched by the same trauma that was affecting her clients. And as she puts it, it led to a very acute suffering in her life, until she realized that yes, she was affected by the same Patriarchal Stress Disorder as the others. It took a lot of marriage counseling and the eventual end of a marriage to a very nice guy that she realized just how deeply she had been afraid to expect pleasure in a virtually sex-less marriage. She eloquently describes the situation and ties it to the disorder during the episode. Do check it out. How to Alleviate P.S.D. Through the Jailbreak System In the episode, Valerie talks about her 5-step process for breaking out of the jail that modern society has placed women in. To start, just waking up and seeing the walls that enclose you, is the important first step. And within that first step, recognizing that it’s not personal. You have inherited this world, the traits and reality from your ancestors. There’s just a traumatic setup that you have inherited from your pedigree. The next step is to resolve the feelings of constantly having to self-improve. Until women step out of the revolving door of second-guessing and feelings of inferiority that have been inherited, what Valerie calls the ‘prison security system’ will keep firing. This leads to hormone imbalances and a gamut of other disorders in women. The third step is that women often bribe the prison guards. Instead of overriding the prison defense system, women often feel it necessary to work with them. And for the rest of these steps, listen along to the episode. The imagery is very interesting and useful for understanding the concept. Survival of the Anxious Using an example of Holocaust survivors and their raised cortisol levels, so too their ancestors were passed the tangible genetic traits associated with the type of hyper-vigilance that is common in someone with a heightened fight-or-flight system. And in different ways, we can be passed the same sort of genetic traits and dispositions because of oppression and situations of extreme stress, especially in women. What About the Men? Dr. Valerie doesn’t ignore the fact that men have also been traumatized and suffer from similar symptoms as women. In fact, the patriarchal system doesn’t really work in general. So women are affected the most, but it is still a largely flawed system that does considerable harm for men as well. For much more that wasn’t laid out here in the show notes, the episode is chock-full of more important concepts and details. Key Links for Valerie: Valerie’s Website: http://www.patriarchystressdisorder.com/ More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass