No Visible Bruises

We hear pretty often that co-parenting is the best thing we can do for our children. However, those coming from an abusive relationship might find it almost impossible to be friendly with their abuser. In today's episode, we will talk about co-parenting with a narcissist, the challenges we'll find there and why it can be so triggering, and we’ll also explore an alternative to co-parenting - parallel parenting.   What You Will Learn In This Episode: - Why co-parenting is not always a better choice for our family situation - What the communication challenges are that make co-parenting so hard - What parallel parenting is and how to do it properly - Some of the mistakes I made in co-parenting that you can avoid - Why parallel parenting is so effective in helping us keep our sanity We need to stop punishing ourselves for not being able to co-parent with the narcissist. We are not less of a parent if we can't co-parent. We've been in an abusive relationship and our focus must be on getting better, not on making sure the abuser is feeling better. The best thing we can give our kids is a mentally stable parent, and that’s where parallel parenting can help us.   Resources: - Our Family Wizard website: https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/  - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

As Christmas is getting closer, I want to talk about how to deal with a narcissist during not only this holiday, but any other type of celebration, such as birthdays or other family events.  We'll explore two different scenarios, one for those separated or divorced from a narcissist, and the other for those who have to spend the holidays with a narcissist. I'll also share tips on communicating and planning these events to reduce conflict to the minimum, and how and when to respond to the narcissist's messages.   What You Will Learn In This Episode: - Why is it so challenging to celebrate any holiday in peace with a narcissist - What I've learned from my experience with my narcissist ex-husband during the holidays - The advantages of planning ahead for these events, and how it can help us in court if we need it - How to structure our messages when communicating our plans with our narcissist ex-spouse - How to approach communication when we must spend the holidays with a narcissist We have an advantage when it comes to any holiday - we know precisely when they will happen. This allows us to plan, minimise and mitigate the conflict by creating the best-case scenario for our kids and us. Still, conflicts can appear, even if we plan ahead and do our best to avoid them. We must remember to stay in our lane, treat ourselves with kindness and avoid self-judgement if that happens.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today I want to talk about something I went through when I was suffering narcissistic abuse, which is when your family and friends tell you to ignore the narcissist. As always, we’ll look at this from a trauma-informed lens. First, we’ll understand what is so triggering about receiving this kind of comments from our loved ones, and then what we can do to stop being triggered and avoid getting into unnecessary conflicts.  What You Will Learn In This Episode: - Why the phrase "just ignore them" triggers us so much - How hearing that from our loved ones makes us feel the need for validation - What kind of addiction narcissistic abuse creates - Why we must not feel shame or guilt for firing messages back at the narcissist We must recognise that healing from narcissistic abuse is not just doing affirmations and repeating "I'm good enough" every day. We have to perform deep work in our bodies because traumatic experiences are stored there. They get locked in our bodies and go directly into our fascia, deep into the visceral level and into our nervous system.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

For those of us who have been victimised by a narcissist, knowing they are spreading lies about us can be really triggering. It might become worse when we see people around them believing their lies and turning into what we call flying monkeys. So in this episode, we'll unravel why narcissists feel this need to spread lies about us, why it triggers a response from us and what we can do to stop reacting to their lies.   What You Will Learn In This Episode: - Why narcissists continually, habitually and pathologically choose to lie - The link between the narcissist’s protector parts and their need to lie about us - If the trigger and the activation don't come from the lie per se, where they actually come from - How we can protect ourselves from being triggered by a narcissist's lies about us I used to suffer a lot because of my ex-husband's lies. I wasted tons of energy on two things I would never control - what he would say about me and what people would think when they heard that. Once I realised that, I started focusing and getting curious about what I had control over - my reaction to the lies and what protector part triggered my response.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

This week, we will talk about the negative effects of keeping repeating your story over and over. Of course, all of us who went through narcissistic abuse want to be heard and validated, and that’s why we need to tell our story. However, from a neuroscience perspective, the more we keep telling our story of abuse, the more we are slowing down our healing process. Today, we will explore how our mind works and understand what happens in our body when we talk about our story of abuse, and what can help us to overcome this trauma.  What You Will Learn In This Episode: - Why repeating our story of abuse over and over makes our healing process slower - What Trauma Vortex is and how we get there - What happens in our body every time we relive our relationship with a narcissist - Why we must pay attention to the content we consume on the internet and on social media about narcissistic abuse Much of the content about narcissistic abuse we see on social media is about how terrible it is, whether it is made with humour through memes or actual stories. And it is awful indeed, but that kind of content focuses on the narcissist, on the abuse and, therefore, activates the negative feelings we had while enduring that abuse. The way I see it, our focus should be elsewhere - on our recovery, what we can learn about ourselves, and what we can use from it to grow and evolve.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

If we think about our nervous system and how it responds to perceived danger, we could compare it to traffic lights. The green light is when things are relatively under control. The amber light is when some alarms are triggered, and our body gets ready to either fight or flight. The red light is when we go into the dorsal vagal shutdown - we go into freeze.  In this episode, we'll use this analogy to understand why we go into freeze mode staying in uncomfortable and painful situations, and then learn why we shouldn't judge ourselves for doing it. What You Will Learn In This Episode: - The three stages of our nervous system's response to the environment - Why we tend to stay in abusive relationships, even when they are excruciating - Why our brain thinks that sometimes freezing is the best choice for us It is crucial to understand that although we might feel depleted because of being in constant freeze mode, our brain is satisfied with its job. From the brain's point of view, we are still alive, it is mission accomplished. We must get curious about why some situations trigger our freeze response; that is our first step into healing.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we will talk about the shame many of us feel for staying longer than we think we should have in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. In this show, my main focus is to understand before judging, to be compassionate before pointing fingers, and to take care of what we feel before wasting time on what others think of us. We will look at the reasons that made us stay in an abusive relationship from a trauma-informed lens, trying to understand our nervous system and why we behave the way we do. What You Will Learn In This Episode: - The link between my childhood traumas and me becoming a perfectionist and a people-pleasing person - Why meeting my ex-husband, a covert narcissist, felt like I had met Prince Charming - Why our brain thinks that it is better to stay with the narcissist than risk the unknown world When our protector parts are coming to the rescue, that means somehow our inner child wounds were triggered. Getting curious about what triggered them is crucial for our recovery. We can't change past events, but we can change our experience over those events and, most importantly, how we FEEL about those events. That is the beginning of our healing journey because those past traumatic experiences won't hurt us anymore.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will go through the different types of narcissists you can encounter. I will break down each of them, starting with the main types or the core four, and then going through the subtypes. I believe that talking about this subject will help you identify and get more clarity about the type of narcissist you may be dealing with in your life.  What You Will Learn In This Episode: - The four main types of narcissists, and the main differences between them - The three subtypes of narcissists that go hand in hand with each one of the core four - Why some subtypes of narcissists are so hard to spot These kinds of episodes are meant to help you put pieces together. They should help you have a clearer idea of the size of the problem you're dealing with, to start realising that none of what is happening to you is your fault. Narcissistic abuse happens TO you, not because of you. The sooner you get curious about the origin of your reactions to abuse, the closer you get to finding healing and closure.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

I had a fascinating conversation recently about postnatal depression and the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, and I thought it would be interesting to do an episode about it. Today I share the different challenges I faced during pregnancy, my own experience with postnatal depression, and the realisation that what I was feeling was mostly trauma-based.  What You Will Learn In This Episode: - What triggered my inner wounds during my first pregnancy, and why I felt not good enough as a mother - How I ended up with the belief that I had to choose between being enough either as mom or wife, but not both - Why I decided to stay after finding out my ex-husband was cheating on me - Looking at postnatal depression as protector parts distracting us from being in a loveless marriage When we come from a place of anger, depression, anxiety, self-harm or addictions, it could be a part of us protecting us from a core wound our brain believes is too painful to feel. Narcissists are specialists in shining big spotlights on our inner wounds, and the more they do that, the more our protector parts show up and get louder. Eventually, what we think is the problem, actually is a symptom of the problem, and for us to experience post-traumatic growth, it is crucial we get curious about it.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, I will explain in depth what the Ladder of Tolerance is, how it works and how we use it in my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Program™. We will explore how our nervous system functions, hoping to remove some of the guilt and shame that narcissistic abuse imprints on us. I will share some of my own traumatic experiences as a child that made me blend with my protective parts and turn into a perfectionist, self-harming, and people-pleasing person.  What You Will Learn In This Episode: - The Ladder of Tolerance and how can we use it to understand our nervous system response to abuse - What is post-traumatic growth, and how it can help us recover from narcissistic abuse - What it means that we must be taught to be in the top part of the ladder, and what happens when we are not - Why healing from narcissistic abuse does not happen only on the cognitive level, and what other things we must work on to heal completely Our nervous system is constantly moving up and down the ladder. When we feel safe, we are at the top, and when we feel anxious, nervous, or threatened, we are at the bottom. In many cases, there is no real danger and still, we think our life is on the line. What triggers that response is usually self-worthiness wounds we drag from traumatic experiences from our childhood. We need to take a closer look at those wounds, get curious about them and find out their origin, so we can learn to heal them.  Resources: - Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse - Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  - Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/ - My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/