Sex for Saints

Are you stuck in a victim mentality? Often times we don’t even realize that when we complain and blame others for how we think and feel we are giving away our own power and putting yourself in a victim role.  What does that look like and how can we change it? Find out on this week’s episode.  

I think most people have a plan for their life and their marriage.  But what happens when things don’t go according to plan? What if things completely fall apart? What can we choose to think and believe about our life when things are so different than what we wanted.  Find out more on this week’s episode.   “Promptings or Me - Recognizing The Spirit’s Voice” by Kevin Hinckley.  https://amzn.to/2Yc2zSY    Call in your "a-ha" moment and leave a voicemail!  (385) 424-1032.

Are you the higher desire partner in your relationship? In this episode, we discuss strategies to help you build the intimate relationship with your spouse that you’ve always wanted. Play in a new window Download Show Summary: Today we are going to talk about being the higher-desire partner in your marriage.  In Episode 34 we discussed sex and intimacy coming more from the lower-desire partner perspective.  I believe that it is so important for each one of us to cultivate that connection and desire for ourselves within our marriage and I go a lot more in depth on that in Episode 34.   Higher Desire Partners   So today I wanted to address the opposite - what if you are the higher desire partner in your marriage?  Today we are going be focusing again on the higher desire partner for sex and intimacy, but there is usually a higher desire partner in a lot of aspects of marriage, not just sex.  If a partner desires something more than another partner then they are the higher desire partner.   Right now my husband and I are in discussions about moving.  He wants to move more than I do.  So in this case he is the higher-desire partner.  Another area you see this a lot is deciding to have more children.  There is usually one spouse who wants to have a child more than the other.  But just because one partner wants something more than the other one, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are polar opposites, although that too can be the case.  But there is always one partner that wants something MORE than the other.   So, for the sake of consistency, and considering my audience is primarily women, I am going to be addressing this from the perspective that the woman is the higher desire partner.  I know a lot of you would balk at that.  I think culturally it is assumed that the husband is usually the higher desire partner, but that is not always the case.  I know many women, including myself, who are the higher desire partner.  Again, that doesn’t make your spouse “low desire” just “lower” than you.  But, even if you aren’t the higher desire partner in your marriage, I think this can be a really good way for you to understand what things might be like for your spouse and how they may be feeling as the higher desire partner.  I also think if you are NOT the higher desire partner, you shouldn’t just sit back and expect your spouse to change.  You are equally responsible for how you are showing up in this aspect of your marriage.   Thoughts and Feelings of the Higher Desire Partner   Being the higher desire partner is a powerless position.  You can’t make your spouse WANT to be with you. You can’t make them have more desire.  You can’t make them deal with their own sexuality, so it really is a hard position to be in.  But hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what you can do to create a better dynamic in your marriage after this podcast.   Ok - so what happens in your brain when you have the desire for sex or connection and intimacy and your spouse doesn’t?  Maybe you’ve tried to initiate things and they shut you down.  You might have thoughts like:   “This isn’t fair”  “Why can’t he just do it because I want to” “If he was a good husband, he would try to meet my needs” “This isn’t like what I see in movies”   So we know that all of our feelings are created by our thoughts.  So when you have thoughts like that, what kind of feelings does that create in you?  Probably something like: Frustration Anger Resentment Helplessness Hopeless   Or maybe you make it mean something about you when he doesn’t want sex?   “If I were more attractive he’d want to have sex with me more” “He doesn’t love me” “He doesn’t desire me” “I’m too fat” “Maybe if my boobs were bigger he would find me more attractive and want to have sex more.”   And those kinds of thoughts create feelings of Inadequacy Rejection Jealousy Neediness   Now think about when you are feeling these emotions?  Frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, rejection, inadequacy, neediness.  How do you act?   Frustration, anger and resentment isn’t going to create a relationship where he wants to build a connection and intimacy with you.   Moping around from rejection or being needy isn’t sexy either…   So what do you do?   Two meaning frames   According to Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, who is an LDS Sex Therapist there are usually two things that happen and neither option is very good.   Pressure   The first way is that you trying to pressure your husband into sex.  You pressure, you cajole, maybe you even punish him or try to guilt him into it.  When you do this, he may continue to shut you down or he may finally give in and give you “mercy sex.”  But, I would guess receiving “mercy sex” doesn’t really bring thoughts that create love and connection between the two of you.  If you think about it, it can actually bring a lot of thoughts that can make you feel even worse about yourself.  “He’s not really doing it because he wants to”  “He doesn’t actually love me, he’s just tired of me nagging and gives in.”  Not great.      The other direction is if you feel entitled to sex, just because you are married.  “He SHOULD have sex with me.  He SHOULD want it more.”  Do you hear those “shoulds” in there?   That’s not going to create love and connection either.     Avoidance   The second way that Dr. Finlayson-Fife says that we often deal with our partner not wanting sex as much as we do is to avoid sex altogether.  We don’t want to bring it up, we don’t want to confront it because it makes us uncomfortable or it makes our spouse uncomfortable and we can’t deal with the discomfort from either person.  So we just try to avoid it all together.   Discomfort is a feeling, which comes from our thoughts.  So what thought is that feeling of discomfort coming from?  Think on that?  Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to bring it up?  Or why does it make you uncomfortable if your spouse feels uncomfortable?   Solution   In our marriages and in our sex life we want to feel desired, wanted, loved and chosen.  So often it’s not actually about sex, but about the intimacy.  We want to be known.  We want to be seen.  But that can feel scary because it means that we have to be vulnerable.  We have to open up ourselves to the possibility of being rejected and being hurt.  But since you are probably already feeling that anyway… maybe opening up is the key!   So how do we create that intimacy?  How do we create feelings of love, and connection EVEN when our spouse doesn’t seem to want sex?  The answer is, of course, is it comes from our thoughts.   We create feelings of love, connection, desire, and intimacy with our thoughts about our spouse.  It doesn’t even matter if our spouse reciprocates.  We are still capable of feeling those feelings, even if nothing changes on their end.   But, there are things we can do to hopefully help build that connection between the two of you.   1. Don’t take it personally   Differences in sexual desire within couples is very common.  It really may not be about you at all.  It may be a matter of hormone deficiency or other physiological problems, and it could be totally about them.  Your partner may have thoughts and feelings about themselves that create a lack of desire in them.  Don’t underestimate how hard this is for your spouse.  Try to be understanding.   2. Pay attention to what helps your partner feel more desire.   If your husband is constantly rejecting your advances, the last thing you might feel like doing is being kind and thoughtful.  But, if you want to improve things, doing things that help him feel more desire is a great way to go about it.    3. Do something different   Obviously what you are doing right now isn’t working.  So try something different.   You may need to back off for a while and give them space.  Don’t try to initiate anything.  Sometimes the lower-desire partner simply needs more time for their batteries to recharge.  If the constant tug-of-war is gone, they might feel more amorous.   This is also a great time to do some self-confrontation. Instead of asking the question “What’s my spouse’s problem?” it becomes ”What can I do to be more desirable to my spouse.”     We need to take a hard look at who WE are and how we are showing up in our marriage.  Are we showing up in love and goodness?  Are we being kind?  Are we being generous?  Are we confident in ourselves and not constantly seeking validation?  Take a good look and see what areas you need to improve.  What is your desirability?  How are you coming off to your spouse?  And, when it comes to sex, what kind of lover are you?  And I don’t mean you have to know lots of positions and moves.  But are you wanting to be pleasured but don’t reciprocate?  Are you selfish?  Are you doing things to help your spouse feel desired inside and outside the bedroom?  Are you showing up as your best self to your spouse? Or are you needy? Do you have anxiety around sex?  These are all good questions that you can ask yourself.  Be honest.  Self-confrontation isn’t easy.  You may even want to ask your spouse about some of these things to see how they see you and how they feel.  While you can’t control how they feel about it, it may give you some insight on areas where you can improve.  But you need to create that safe space for them to feel comfortable opening up and sharing.  You can’t get defensive or mean.  You need to ask with the intent to not just listen, but truly hear what they are saying without judgement.  Give them the space to be honest and to be themselves so that you can create the connection between two people who are being their true selves and living from their own integrity.  It might be hard to hear some of the things they have to say.  But understanding where they are coming from and where they see things need to improve will go a long way to creating that connection you want.   4. Focus on what works   Have there been time in your relationship where the sex was better? (Besides the honeymoon period?)  See if you can pin point what was different during those times and try to recreate it.  If they are reproducible, then do it!   5. Accept what is offered   Sometimes we are so focused on the sex that we miss what is actually being offered.  In good relationships, people do things all the time for their partners that may not be exactly what they feel like doing in the moment.  But seeing what your partner IS doing and accepting those offers as act of love, can go a long way to building intimacy and connection.   6. Communication   Communication is so important with our spouse.  But we need to understand who we are, and what we truly want in our marriage first.  Once we understand what we truly want,  we need to communicate our wants from a place of integrity.  If we are saying to our spouse that we “NEED” sex like it’s a biological need that they are supposed to satisfy, that is not going to help build the intimacy in your marriage.  But if you communicate with your spouse from a place of honesty and integrity, then that creates a place where you can both come together to communicate your needs and desires and negotiate how it is going to work best for the two of you.   Maybe that means negotiating frequency or a schedule, something where you know as the higher desire partner you will be fulfilling that need without the lower desire partner feeling pressure all the time.     Maybe that means the lower-desire partner needs certain conditions to be met to engage in or enjoy sex (like morning vs night, kids not home, shower first, etc.)  You may see these as excuses, but it’s what your partner needs to feel relaxed and comfortable so getting in the mood is easier.  But this is only done through communication and understanding yourself first!   If you’ve gotten to the point where you are starting to look outside of the marriage to meet your needs, you need to be brutally honest with you spouse.  You need to communicate how important this topic is to you and what you are willing to do to work on it.  Make certain that your spouse understands what will happen in your marriage if nothing changes.  I wouldn’t threaten, especially in the heat of an argument, but just calmly communicate how important this issue to you and how much you want to work on it together.   Michele Weiner-Davis, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker said   “Each partner in a relationship needs to take personal responsibility for making things better. When both of you make more of an effort to understand each other's needs and feelings, you will undoubtedly feel closer and more connected emotionally and physically. And at the end of the day, isn't that what healthy relationships are all about?” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-vital-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive)     So, I have a list of new thoughts you can try to help create better feelings for you until you can work things out.  Remember - these thoughts are like clothes, try them on and see if they work for you.  And if they don’t, you can try on different ones.   “Even though he doesn’t want sex, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want ME”   “What a bummer for him, because sex with me is great”   “We can work this out so that we are both happy and satisfied”   “I want to create an better sexual relationship with my husband and I can figure out how”   “I love my husband now and I will continue to make our relationship even better”  

What are you looking for in your marriage and in your spouse? Are you looking for the good or are you just noticing all the bad?  Did you know your brain will find evidence of whatever it is you are looking for? Find out more on this week’s podcast. Play in a new window Download Show Summary: Let’s talk about our brain a little bit. If you’ve listened to other episodes, these concepts will be familiar to you, but let’s just talk about them again. Our brain is constantly taking in information. Dr. Joseph Dispenza says that the brain processes 400 Billion bits of information a second. Isn’t that incredible? 400 Billion! But then it has to sort through all of that information for what is RELEVANT for us. (http://www.basicknowledge101.com/subjects/brain.html) Our brain is constantly looking for evidence to prove what we think about something or someone is right. Our brains love to be right. They would rather be right about something, that to have to expend the energy to try and think differently. So our brains are constantly scanning the world for evidence to support and prove that it is right. It’s very very good at this. Our brain also loves to scan the world for what is wrong to avoid physical and emotional danger as well as making sure we measure up and how we fit in in the world. And again…it’s very good at this. Our brain also LOVES to solve problems. So it’s constantly scanning for problems to solve and then working to solve them. But because our brain developed these mechanisms to keep us safe, it often finds problems when there are actually none and it loves to find plenty of evidence to support them. It does this in all areas of our lives. Let me give you an example - so right now we are considering moving to a different area. As I drive through that area now, my brain is constantly scanning for all the houses for sale. This is an area I drive through probably 3 times a week and never noticed how many houses are for sale. But now that we are considering moving, my brain is constantly on the look out for homes for sale and I’m seeing them everywhere. Or what about when you are looking for a new car? If you kind of narrow it down to what you want and then all of the sudden you see that particular kind of car everywhere. This is your brain finding evidence for what you are looking for…because it wants to be right. It’s trying to solve a problem for you. So, what about when we think there might be something wrong in our marriage or with our spouse? Our brain does that same thing and finds evidence to support what we think is true. If we think thoughts that our spouse is grumpy or mean, or lazy, or he works too much, or he’s not a good priesthood holder, or he’s not nice to the kids, that is exactly we will find because our brain will sort through lots of information and make that relevant. If we think thoughts that our spouse doesn’t support us or we don’t have a connection or that they are selfish or they don’t care about us …that’s what we will find. Our brain will find all the ways to make whatever we are thinking true, because it wants to be right. I have several clients who are struggling to see the good in their marriages and in their husbands because all of the thoughts they have been thinking that their brain has found so much evidence for. And…most of the time they don’t recognize that those are just thoughts. They think they are just FACTS because they have soooo much evidence that they are right. It’s just a FACT that their husband is grumpy. It’s a FACT that their husband is lazy. It’s a FACT that their husband is a workaholic. It’s a FACT that they don’t have a connection with him. But NONE of those are FACTS! They aren’t my friends. They are ALL Thoughts. And remember…our thoughts are optional. All of them. You can CHOOSE to think whatever you want about your spouse. Did you know that it’s possible to think that your husband is amazing EVEN if he sits home all day doing nothing? Did you know it’s possible to think that you have an amazing connection with him even if he doesn’t talk to you very much? It’s totally possible! So - how do we change the way that we are looking at things? How do we change our thoughts about our husband when we have so much evidence for how we are currently thinking? The first thing you can do, is start looking for evidence of the opposite. I have had a couple of clients recently who have really struggled finding the good in their husbands. They have LOTS of evidence that they have shared with me about why he is isn’t a good husband. Why they can’t love him. Why they can’t respect him. So the first thing I have them do is list out all of the things they DO like or love about him. List some of his good qualities. Even the worst husbands usually have SOME redeeming qualities. Make a list. And then each day, add a few more. Look for the good instead of constantly looking for the bad and watch your mind shift… It definitely takes effort. It takes a conscious effort to look for the good each day. But as you do so, your brain will find more and more evidence to support your new thoughts. Then I want you to work on changing your story. Even if you don’t believe it now, work on believing a new story about him. If you can’t believe that your spouse is amazing and wonderful and loving… maybe start with a bridging thought like… It’s possible that my spouse is amazing and wonderful and loving! It’s possible that he is the perfect spouse for me. It’s possible that we have an amazing relationship. Your relationship could be exactly what you want it to be if you work on finding evidence for it instead of the opposite. A few weeks ago I was listening to an interview on another podcast with a professional interrogator. One of the tactics he uses when investigating crimes and interviewing potential suspects to place values on that person, let them know what the value he placed on them is, and then they live up to that value. Now stay with me here, because I think this can be really applicable to marriage. He gave an amazing example of man named James. James had had a hard life. He had a girlfriend and his girlfriend got pregnant and shortly before she gave birth, she broke up with him and started seeing another guy. The baby was born, and shortly after this new boyfriend killed the baby. The man went to prison and after he got out of prison, James found him and beat him so bad that he ended up being sent to prison for assault. When he got out of prison, he got a job at this investigators company and stole some money and that is what put him in front of the investigator. Now the investigator could go into that interview, see his history, and the “facts” and also have thoughts about what a bad guy this James is. That he would assault a man and that he stole money from this company. But the investigator didn’t do that. He went into the investigation knowing that James valued justice. By assaulting the man who killed his child, he was seeking justice. And as a father and someone who also values justice, he could relate to the investigator. This investigator also shared that he had struggled in his marriage. He had put some labels on his wife that began to deteriorate their marriage. But when he decided to put some different labels on her, she “became” those labels. What labels are you putting on your spouse? What labels have you given them that they are probably now living up to…. Lazy? Grumpy? Mean? Poor communicator? Porn addict? What new labels could you put on them instead? Hard working Reliable Kind Respectful Loving Interesting right? Just by putting some different labels on our spouse and on our marriage - it could change everything. Your spouse and your marriage could be exactly what you are looking for.

Often we react to situations in a split second.  We are not even conscious of the thoughts that drive our feelings and actions and we react to a situation poorly.  In this episode, you will learn how to respond to a situation instead of reacting to get better results in your life.     Play In A New Window Download   . . Show Notes: Reacting vs. Responding   Show Summary: Let’s talk about reacting vs. responding.  Some people use these words interchangeably, but I think there is a big difference between the two. Reaction A reaction happens in a split second.  It’s driven by an unconscious thought and it’s usually based on thoughts we tend to think over and over and over. Most often our reactions (since they come from not thoughts you aren’t thinking on purpose) don’t take into consideration the long term effects of what you do or say.  It might turn out okay, but often a reaction is something you regret later. Response A response on the other hand, usually comes more slowly.  A response usually comes from being intentional and purposely thinking something.  You take into consideration how you want to show up in that situation, and others around you.  You can also weigh out the consequences of your decision. The reaction and the response may look the same, but they FEEL very different because of the thoughts behind them. For example - Say your spouse says something to you that touches a nerve.  Normally you react by getting defensive.  Maybe you criticize him in some way.  Maybe you yell and scream.  Or maybe you just feel awful about yourself and withdraw.  That is a reaction. A response would be to take a breath. Think about how you want to show up in that situation.  Do you want to yell and criticize? Do you want to feel awful about yourself and withdraw?  Maybe, when you think about it you want to seek understanding of where you spouse is coming from and why they are feeling the way they are.  It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can respond in a way that is more in line with your values. We all know there is a difference in responding vs. reacting, but the more reacting we do, the less empowered we are.  When we operate from underlying beliefs and are not intentional in our lives most often our results are less than stellar and not what we want them to be. So how do we fix this? The first step is to become aware of what those underlying thoughts and beliefs are.  This takes time and work. When a situation happens that we reacted to, we need to go back and analyze it.  Do a model on it.  Figure out that thought so we can gain awareness over it.  Awareness of those underlying thoughts in and of itself is so powerful. The next time it happens something similar happens, we may react in the exact same way, and that is ok.  Just be compassionate with yourself that you are still learning.  But go back again and analyze it.  What happened?  What was the thought that prompted me to feel and act this way?  More awareness. Once you feel like you have a good understanding that it is NOT what your spouse said or did that made you react this way, but it was that unconscious thought, then you get some power over it and can move to a new intentional thought. In 1998, researchers Anthony Greenwald, Debbie McGhee, and Jordan Schwarz introduced something called the Implicit Association Test.  It measured the milliseconds that it takes to connect pairs of ideas.  The test is based on the concept that you will be faster putting together ideas you already associate with one another. For example - if the you think that someone criticizing you means that something is wrong with you then that association is what your brain will automatically go to.  But if you decide that if someone criticizes you, you don’t want to make it mean anything about you, that is not what you unconscious mind will naturally go to, so it will take extra time for your brain to make those new associations. The important thing is to allow yourself that time.  When you feel yourself about to react, take a breathe.  Think your new thoughts, and then respond from a place of empowerment and choice rather than just react. When we do this - we are interrupting our model. Our original model was the circumstance, the unconscious thought, the feeling, and the action (or reaction), and our results that aren’t great.  But in our interrupted model, we have our same circumstance (like our husband saying something we think is a criticism), and our brain jumps to our normal belief, but we stop, we take a breathe, we think our new thought and respond. As we do this over and over, our brain will eventually start to connect the circumstance to our new thought automatically and we are able to respond instead of react in that scenario. But just because you can do this in one scenario, doesn’t mean you will do it all scenarios and circumstances.  Each one will take intentional thoughts and work.  But you will get better and better at it with practice. Sometimes when we learn about this we try to put it into practice immediately and get frustrated with ourselves when we continue to show up in ways that don’t serve us.  So make sure you are just taking things slow and just gaining the awareness first.  You need to have a firm grasp of the thought creating the feeling and driving the action before you try to correct it. I have found this to be a very important skill in my parenting.  So many times my kids would be acting up or doing something that they always do and my unconscious thoughts were “why are they acting this way, they know better, they shouldn’t be doing this” which would cause me to feel frustrated and angry and I would yell at my kids.  But guess what, I hardly every yell at my kids anymore.  Because when they are acting up, my intentional thought is “of course they are acting this way, they’re kids or they’re teenagers, and I want to teach them and love them” and then I show up in that situation so much better to my kids.  I show up in love and peace and understanding rather than in anger or frustration.  I feel so much better about how I am showing up as their mom. But I still have my moments where I don’t show up as my best self so it’s always important to go back in and repair.  According to the Gottman Institute, repair is less about fixing what’s broken and more about getting back on track.  It’s about forgiving yourself and understanding that you are human, you make mistakes, but you can apologize and get back on track with the relationship.  This takes vulnerability.  It means admitting your mistakes.  But it can really help create that bond in a relationship.

So many of us are afraid of judgment or criticism from others.  We hold ourselves back from doing great things in our lives for fear of being judged.  judgment from friends, family, spouses, even complete strangers?  Why do we feel judged?  Most of the time it’s a story we make up in our heads based on our insecurities.  But what about when they actually say it? What do you do? In this podcast, we will address what judgment and criticism are, and what to do when you do feel you are being judged by others.   Play In A New Window Download     Show Summary: I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day and the person being interviewed said her mom used to tell her when she felt she was being judged that “People don’t actually think about you as much as you think they do.”  Which is so true.  But…if you are feeling judged, this episode is for you.  So let’s get started. I have a lot of clients that feel judged by other people.  They feel judged by their spouse, they feel judged by their family, parents, and in-laws, they feel judged by their neighbors, they feel judged by people at church. They feel judged for a variety of reasons:  On their parenting On their appearance On their situation in life On their education On their possessions or lack of them On how they spend their time and for a variety of other things For example - I have many clients and friends who feel judged for being divorced, especially at church.  That there is a stigma around divorce and they constantly feel that judgment from others because of it. Can I tell you that I have never once felt that way.  How can so many say and feel that there is a stigma around divorce at church and they constantly feel judged for being divorced and yet I have never felt that way?  How can that be…. And what I want to offer to you today is that the reason you are feeling judged (because judged is a FEELING) is because of your thoughts and insecurities around that particular topic. I personally have never been insecure about being divorced.  Now - I have felt plenty insecure about a lot of other things, but being divorced isn’t one of them.  I have always been completely confident in my decision to divorce my first husband.  Does that mean that no one has ever judged me for it?  Probably not. But I didn’t FEEL judged because I wasn’t thinking thoughts that would create that feeling in me. So - the pattern that I see with myself and with my friends and clients is that we most often we feel judged for the things we are most insecure about.  When we are feeling judged or criticized it’s the voice in our head saying we aren’t enough, or there is something wrong with us. Judgment in our Model So let’s fill out our CTFAR model on this. C: Lady at church says something about “divorce” (which is kind of a vague circumstance, but we’ll go with it for example purposes) T: (Our thought can be a variety of things like “maybe she’s right”, or “something is wrong with me”) F: Judged A: We examine our life and what she is judging to make sure we measure up R: We judge ourselves What????? Isn’t that fascinating?  We feel judged and we end up judging ourselves.  Crazy right! ,Now remember, our circumstance is always neutral.  The lady in church is allowed to say and do anything she wants, but it’s our thoughts that give it meaning. What IF she was trying to criticize you?  What if?  Remember that is HER thoughts.  And she can think or say whatever she wants.  It really has nothing to do with you.  It has to do with her.   I always like to go to aplace of compassion for that person.  How sad for her that she chooses to think those kind of thoughts.  I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to think negative thoughts about people all the time.   Judgment from our spouse Now let’s take a look at being judged by our spouse.  Again, I believe that most of that feeling of judgment is because we are insecure about things.  Maybe our appearance or our parenting or how we keep house? Our spouse has a front row seat to all of our inadequacies, flaws, and insecurities.  A lot of times we tell ourselves stories about what our spouse is thinking about us without them ever saying a word.  Instead of choosing to believe that our spouse is thinking good things about us, our brain offers us thoughts like He thinks I’m fat He doesn’t think I’m a good mom He doesn’t think I do a good job keep up with the house Again - those are all a story you are telling yourself and you can purposely choose to think that your spouse feels differently. But what if they say it - out loud.  What if they say things like The house is a mess  Why isn’t dinner ready? You should have done that differently Most of the time that is your spouse revealing their manual for you (and if you don’t know what a manual is, check out episode 39).  They have a set of rules and ways they think you need to operate in order for them to be happy.  But it actually has NOTHING to do with you.  Again - it’s about them. So when they say those things, you can choose to take it personally.  To feel judged (because remember, what they say is actually neutral), and it’s just more evidence to judge yourself by.  OR you can do something completely different. Have you ever tried agreeing with them?  Instead of feeling judged or getting defensive - maybe just agree with them. If your spouse says “Hey, the house is a disaster” instead of feeling judged you can say “Totally - somebody should do something about that” or “It totally is - I just didn’t get to it today.”  Did you know that was an option?   Recently, someone I love told me that I act like a victim.  I did NOT like hearing that.  I felt very judged.  But when I took a step back and examined some things, I realized that I often do act like a victim in certain situations.  So my response was “You’re right…sometimes I do.  I’ll keep working on that.” Self-judgment Now - what about self-judgment. Self-judgment comes from thinking we should be different than we are.  It’s those pesky thoughts in our brain.  It’s our manual for ourself. Now, there is nothing wrong with noticing something about yourself that you don’t like and want to change, like I did with being a victim.  But that doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up for it.  Change NEVER comes from judgment or making ourselves feel bad.  Change comes from love, compassion, and realizing that we are of worth no matter what. Fear of judgment I see a lot in clients, friends, teenagers, and my own kids holding back from doing something or being who they truly are for fear of being judged by others.  Judged by “the crowd.”   When I was serving in the Young Women (an organization serving young women from 12-18 in my church) I would hear from them a lot about being afraid to do something because “THEY” will judge me. This is totally normal.  It’s something we all do.   This FEAR of judgment holds us back.  But remember, feeling judged is just a feeling.  It’s definitely a negative emotion and it doesn’t feel good.  But feelings can’t actually hurt us.  FEAR is also a feeling that can’t hurt us.  Does it feel good?  No!  But avoiding negative feelings and living a life that is “Less Than” so that you won’t be who you truly are doesn’t feel very good either. I encourage you to FEEL your FEELINGS.  When you get really good at feeling your feelings and you are willing to feel ANY emotions - you are pretty much unstoppable.  When you learn to feel your feelings, just sit with them, and let them process, rather than resisting them or avoiding them, they just aren’t that big of a deal and they move through your body a lot faster. How do I not judge other people? So what if you are the one that is judging others.  We all do it.  It’s totally normal.  Our brain is always looking for evidence that we are ok and that we are fitting into our world.  And sometimes it’s a good thing to judge others. On LDS.org in the Gospel Topics on Judging Others it says:  “Judgment is an important use of our agency and requires great care, especially when we make judgments about other people. All our judgments must be guided by righteous standards. Only God, who knows each individual’s heart, can make final judgments of individuals.” It goes on to say “Sometimes people feel that it is wrong to judge others in any way. While it is true that we should not condemn others or judge them unrighteously, we will need to make judgments of ideas, situations, and people throughout our lives.   Sometimes we focus on others’ faults when we should instead be working to improve ourselves. Our righteous judgments about others can provide needed guidance for them and, in some cases, protection for us and our families. We should approach any such judgment with care and compassion. As much as we can, we should judge people’s situations rather than judging the people themselves. Whenever possible, we should refrain from making judgments until we have an adequate knowledge of the facts. And we should always be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, who can guide our decisions.” I really like the part that if we are to judge others it should be with care and compassion.  Isn’t that always the answer - Love and Compassion?  When I find myself judging others I really try to catch myself and turn it around.  What can I love about them?  Can I give them a sincere compliment?  We all have our flaws - how can I see the good in someone else?

Wanting validation from our spouse is pretty normal.  We want to feel loved, desired, and validated by the person we love most.   Why do we want that?  Why do we want anything? We want something because of how we think it will make us feel when we get it.  But feeling validated, worthy, and loved is available to you all the time without them ever having to say a word. When we understand who we are and our unchanging worth, needing outside validation is no longer something we need or crave.         Play In A New Window Download

We don’t love other people because they deserve it, we love others because love feels amazing.  It’s a gift we give ourselves.     Play In A New Window Download

Some people want to be seen as victims so they claim they are abused. Others refuse to see the abuse because they don’t want to be a victim or they think the behavior is normal.  So what is abuse? We will discuss it in detail in this episode.       Play In A New Window Download Show Notes: TheHotline.org Spiritual Abuse

Healthy boundaries promote self-responsibility and empowerment.  And while we may be afraid that boundaries separate us from others, they really do quite the opposite.  They lead us to closer relationships with others.  In this podcast, learn what a healthy boundary looks like and when to set one.     Play In A New Window Download . .