What Healthy Couples Know That You Don't

We all believe it is ideal not to fight, this is complete fantasy. The only way to have real intimacy is to be authentic about our differences instead of swallowing our secret truths. We all want to avoid the messiness of conflict and being uncomfortable which is short term thinking. We all make excuses easily "I didn't want to hurt you" which is really about avoiding hard conversations which leads to a mountain of resentments long term.

People love to avoid conflict because it is messy. Conflict makes people uncomfortable and they don’t like not knowing what will happen. Conflict is really important to growing up. My definition of growing up is honestly facing painful situations. Conflict offers an opportunity to grow up, and it’s certainly not easy. Learn in this episode how to step into conflict in a respectful way.

There are different ways for couples to be connected; mutual religion as a shared values system, all the many physical activities of tennis, rock climbing, dancing or kayaking. Having shared connections of the ways you enjoy life together really matters. Culture offers so much to anyone as an individual or as a couple. David Brooks describes a piece of art…"as a portal to a deeper realm of the mind…art has the potential to humanize the beholder.”

Longevity in relationships slips so easily through our fingers, it’s not a simple or small achievement, unless one partner is almost always submissive & not resentful about their wants being ignored. Two adults who are equal in sharing power over priorities, values & decision making have to be involved in constant work together over the decades. This requires partners have imagination, attention & gumption.

This episode is for men who want to do better but don’t begin or to know how & their partners who love them.  Women often feel misunderstood & men feel like “What more can I do?” and giving up becomes the path with the least pain attached. This episode is to give men guidance on how to grow into even better versions of themselves…which I believe is the great purpose of relationships.

Tiredness is often a triangle of trouble that includes guilt & fears. Wading through those feelings is no small task. They stick to your soul like gum on the bottom of your shoe & contaminate your belief in yourself. It helps to remember that your feelings are not facts. Thoughtfully consider what is the evidence for your feelings & don’t put so much weight on them as accurate.

What motivates you to have a better relationship or even a better life? Because it will take work. Do you do the work of loving someone? It’s work to accept the parts you find annoying or tedious - it’s work to make yourself understood - it’s work to listen to disagreement - it’s work to respect the differences. It’s work to to survive important values collisions. It’s work in a frantic/busy life to find one-on-one time to deepen your relationship instead of avoiding difficult conversations. 

Dating is really hard work because there is so much uncertainty. Dating is a dance of two people not knowing each other & trying to figure out is it worth spending more of your precious time with this person. It takes time to really know someone. Dating can be both exhausting & discouraging if your interest is not reciprocated. Today's interview is with the Head of Global Communications for OKCUPID.

Often men keep from being vulnerable by being vague, especially about feelings. Feelings are avoided because they are confusing or hard to identify. Men often aren't encouraged to talk about their feelings. In fact, they're sometimes discouraged from doing so. Additionally, men often tend to shy away from vulnerable conversations. This cultural expectation can easily make things more difficult for men in relationships.

This is an ordinary relationship pattern and it offers a real opportunity for both people to grow & improve who they are. People-pleasers of course go along to get along, they are helpful & kind & often neglect their own needs. A Top Dog goes after their own wants with clarity & drive, and they can neglect others before they will neglect themselves. Opposites attract is exactly why this is a pattern that can be observed in so many relationships.