Low Demand Parenting

In this heartfelt and insightful episode, I dive into the essential work of teaching our kids to trust themselves, even when the world tells them otherwise. Using real-life examples, I share how traditional parenting approaches—like pushing through discomfort or faking calm—can break trust and escalate stress. Instead, I advocate for dropping the demands, honoring a child’s “no,” and embracing co-regulation as a path to healing and connection. You’ll learn: Why your child’s meltdowns are not your fault and how to reframe them as panic responses. The power of honoring your child’s body cues and trusting their “no.” How traditional ideas like “pushing through” can harm sensitive kids. Why co-regulation is about authenticity, not forced calm. Practical ways to stay connected to your child, even when their distress is distressing you. This episode is a permission slip to drop the weight of perfectionism and embrace honest, boundaried, and compassionate parenting.

Episode Resources:  Aligning with Yourself Course: Designed to help you shed perfectionism and show up in your truth, this course supports you through tough seasons like burnout. [Learn more here]  Episode 11: Burnout Doesn't Last Forever.   In this listener mailbag episode, I tackle the tough questions about phase two of burnout recovery—what I call Curious but No Capacity. This is the messy middle where your child starts to re-engage with the world but lacks the skills or energy to follow through fully. I explore:   Differentiating “hard” vs. “too hard” and why it matters   How to honor your child’s desires while protecting their capacity   Finding creative, flexible solutions to navigate burnout recovery   Advocating for your child in spaces that weren’t built for them   The importance of trust, collaboration, and dropping demands   Key Takeaways:   Burnout Recovery Isn’t Linear: Expect one step forward and two steps back—it’s all part of the process.   Hard vs. Too Hard: Learn how to assess your child’s capacity and build safety before tackling challenges.   Advocacy Matters: Find ways to prepare others to support your child’s unique needs in shared spaces.   The Middle Path: Move beyond “yes or no” decisions to a collaborative approach with your child.   Find More About Low Demand: Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you! 

In this honest and heartfelt conversation with clinical psychologist and author Dr. Emma Svanberg, known online as the "Mumologist," we explore the intersection of grief and parenting. Emma shares her journey from studying attachment theory to supporting parents in navigating the overwhelming pressures of modern parenting. Together, we unpack the grief that arises when reality doesn’t match our idealized parenting fantasies, the importance of slowing down, and the power of self-compassion.   Emma and Amanda discuss: How parenting grief reshapes our identities. Signs of unprocessed grief in parents, including resentment, disconnection, and autopilot living. The myth of calm parenting and the pressure it places on parents. Why self-compassion and community are essential for breaking cycles and creating change. This episode is an invitation to honor the messy, beautiful, and deeply human work of parenting—and to give yourself grace along the way.   Links Mentioned: Emma’s book: Parenting for Humans Find Emma Svanberg, also known as the "Mumologist," on Instagram.   Additional Resources: Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!

In a lovely and inspiring conversation on The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman sits down with Iris Chen, founder of Untigering, to discuss her journey from authoritarian parenting to a radically respectful and connected approach. Together, they explore: Detoxing from authoritarian and fear-based parenting Breaking free from the "good girl" and "good mom" identities Letting go of obedience as a measure of success Building meaningful relationships across generational and cultural divides Embracing radical acceptance in parenting and beyond Iris shares her personal story, the challenges of parenting in countercultural ways, and the importance of living your values to inspire change. Whether you're navigating parenting, breaking cycles, or creating your own family culture, this episode will leave you inspired to step into radical acceptance and connection. Aligning With Yourself: Break free from 'shoulds.' Step into your power. This innovative course about letting go of the guilt, shame, and “shoulds” that keep us stuck in an identity that no longer serves us. With insightful journaling pages, fresh mindfulness exercises, and engaging rituals, this course is for parents who are tired of performing, tired of people-pleasing, and ready to reclaim their energy, their identity, and their truth.   Main Topics Discussed: Detoxing from fear-based, authoritarian parenting paradigms Shifting from controlling outcomes to embracing connection and safety The journey of healing childhood wounds to parent differently Addressing cultural and generational challenges in parenting transitions Practical ways to hold boundaries with respect and nuance How to embody radical acceptance in relationships Resources Mentioned: Iris Chen’s book: Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent Iris Chen’s website: Untigering Follow Iris on social media: Instagram Facebook       Additional Resources: Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!

Explore the deep impact of burnout on children and parents alike. Discover four key steps to help your child recover, including creating a safe, loving environment. Unpack common misconceptions while learning practical tools tailored for each stage of healing. Dive into the challenges of neurodivergent burnout and gain insights on its unique symptoms. Finally, embrace the transformative journey of recovery with compassion and hope—because burnout is tough, but not permanent.

In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman welcomes Debbie Reber, founder of Tilt Parenting and author of Differently Wired. Together, they delve into the unique challenges and strengths of raising twice-exceptional (2E) kids—children who are both gifted and neurodivergent. From understanding asynchrony to fostering self-advocacy and embracing parenting as activism, this episode offers invaluable insights for parents navigating the complexity of 2E parenting.   Episode Highlights: What it means to be twice-exceptional (2E) and how to recognize it. Understanding the asynchrony between giftedness and lagging skills. How parents can reframe perplexing behavior as a sign of lagging skills rather than willful disobedience. Encouraging self-discovery and self-advocacy in 2E kids. Advocating for systemic change to better support differently wired children. The importance of self-compassion and conscious maintenance for parents.   Resources Mentioned: Tilt Parenting Website Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World by Debbie Reber Tilt Parenting Podcast Articles and resources on twice-exceptionality available at Tilt Parenting.   Follow Debbie Reber: Instagram: @TiltParenting Facebook: Tilt Parenting Community Additional Resources: Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!

In this special Holiday Mailbag episode, Amanda Diekman answers listener questions about navigating the holidays as a low-demand parent. From food struggles to Santa dilemmas, and handling judgment in public, Amanda offers compassionate insights and practical strategies for making this season work for your unique family. Key topics include: Supporting kids with PDA who struggle with eating. Navigating the Santa conversation when siblings are at different stages. Handling partner disagreements about parenting approaches during high-stress times. Advocating for your parenting style and setting boundaries in public. If you’re looking for ways to drop the pressure and embrace connection this holiday season, this episode is for you.   Additional Resources: Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!

In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman breaks down why the dominant parenting paradigm of rewards and punishments isn’t serving our kids—or us. Grounded in brain science and personal insight, Amanda shares how focusing on connection and attunement unlocks long-term trust, regulation, and growth in our children. Through real-life examples and a compassionate lens, Amanda encourages parents to step away from control-based strategies and embrace the transformative power of safety and belonging.   Low Demand Reset: Reflect, Release, Realign  A gentle guide to closing the year with intention and compassion. Get yours here: www.amandadiekman.com/reset   Key takeaways include: Why rewards and punishments miss the mark. The science of behavior as communication. Shifting from “earning love” to modeling unconditional connection. Practical strategies for supporting dysregulated children.   Additional Resources: Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:  Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when life feels stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekman, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. Before we dive in, I want to share a free gift I’ve created for you as we move from one year to the next. It’s called the Low Demand Reset — a gentle, reflective mini-course designed to help you release expectations, let go of what’s no longer serving you, and realign with what matters most. It’s free and available in the show notes or at amandadiekman.com/reset. I hope it brings you clarity, compassion, and a fresh start. The Dominant Paradigm: Punishments and Rewards The dominant parenting paradigm many of us inherited is rooted in punishment and reward. Even if we’ve decided not to follow this path, it’s still the framework shaping much of modern parenting. At its core, punishment-and-reward parenting is built on the belief that kids need external incentives to behave well. This system assumes that the primary things children lack are motivation and self-control. Rewards and punishments are used to manipulate their behavior toward desired results. Children are often labeled as manipulative, but really, this system is designed to manipulate children into compliance. These rewards and punishments can be straightforward, like sticker charts, prize boxes, time-outs, or spanking. They can also be more subtle, like approval or disapproval, giving or withholding attention, or ignoring behaviors. For instance, if you’ve ever worried that comforting your child during a tantrum might ‘reinforce’ the behavior, or been told that ‘giving in’ will teach them bad habits, you’ve encountered this paradigm. The belief underpinning this system is that kids only do well when they want to, and that it’s a parent’s job to teach control by making it more pleasant to do the “right” thing and unpleasant to do the “wrong” thing. But brain science tells us otherwise. What Brain Science Teaches Us Brain science shows us that behaviors, especially those we consider “negative”—hitting, screaming, whining, shutting down, hyperactivity—are stress behaviors. They indicate a brain system under stress. Punishments and rewards don’t address the root cause of these stress behaviors. Instead, they often exacerbate the problem. The number one factor that helps children regulate and thrive is attunement and connection with a trusted adult. This connection activates their brain’s reward centers and fosters safety, which is the foundation for behavioral change. Longitudinal studies confirm that having a connected, attuned adult is the most critical factor in a child’s long-term positive development. When children feel safe and connected, their brains can access creativity, courage, executive functioning, and the ability to try again. Disconnection—through punishment, disapproval, or ignoring—leads to negative outcomes in both brain development and long-term well-being. When the Reward and Punishment Mentality Shows Up This mentality can show up in surprising ways. Let’s say your child struggles with school avoidance, or as we often call it, “school can’t.” You might think, “If I make staying home comfortable, they’ll never want to go back. I need to make it unpleasant for them here at home.” Or during a meltdown, you might feel torn: “I can’t comfort my child right now because they’ll learn that throwing tantrums gets my attention.” This fear—that by connecting with your child in hard moments you’ll reinforce unwanted behavior—is rooted in the punishment-and-reward paradigm. These thoughts are deeply ingrained in us. We’ve been taught that humans are motivated by pleasure and avoidance of pain, and that it’s our job as parents to manipulate these motivators. But this lens is not only unhelpful; it’s often harmful. Shifting the Lens: Connection Over Control The most transformative aspect of low demand parenting is not just dropping demands. It’s creating space for safety, trust, connection, and acceptance. These elements are the real drivers of change in our relationships and our children’s behavior. Consider the mantra, Kids do well when they can. This simple truth shifts our focus from trying to control behavior to understanding the unmet needs and lagging skills driving it. Behavior makes sense when viewed through the lens of a child’s circumstances, neurobiology, and nervous system. This understanding fosters empathy and helps us meet our children where they are. For instance, if a child’s behavior stems from hunger, tiredness, or sensory overwhelm, punishment won’t solve the issue. Addressing the core need will. Similarly, a meltdown is a sign of dysregulation, not manipulation. The best response is attunement—helping the child feel safe and connected so they can return to regulation. Unlearning the Punishment and Reward Paradigm Unlearning this paradigm takes time. It’s seductive because it offers a neat explanation of behavior and a sense of control. But as we shift our mindset, we begin to see that the goal isn’t to manipulate behavior but to support core needs. One common example is food. If your child has a hard day and only wants McDonald’s for dinner, you might feel conflicted. Reward-and-punishment thinking tells you that getting McDonald’s rewards bad behavior and reinforces negative patterns. But what if instead, you view it as meeting a core need—nourishment, comfort, and connection? What if showing up with McDonald’s is an act of attunement, not capitulation? Another example: After a tough morning, one of my kids wanted donuts. Part of me resisted, thinking, “I can’t reward this behavior.” But I got the donuts. Later, my child looked at me with love and said, “I had a hard morning, and you got me donuts anyway.” That moment wasn’t about rewarding or ignoring behavior. It was about connection and unconditional love. Letting Go of “Good” and “Bad” Much of this paradigm is rooted in the idea that “good” behavior is rewarded and “bad” behavior is punished. For many of us, this belief is tied to perfectionism, religious teachings, or relationships where love and belonging felt conditional. Unlearning it is hard work, but it’s essential for healing. Instead of tying rewards to behavior, we can celebrate intention, effort, and connection. For example, if we promise a post-dentist treat, we still follow through even if the child is too dysregulated to complete the appointment. We’re celebrating their courage to try, not their compliance with an expectation. Moving Forward: Healing and Reconnection As we unlearn the reward-and-punishment mentality, we open the door to deeper healing and connection. This journey invites us to examine our own beliefs and wounds. It’s an opportunity to free ourselves from the pressure to earn love and belonging and to model this freedom for our children. When we focus on connection over control, we create a foundation where both parents and children can thrive. Let’s keep peeling back the layers of this paradigm and choose a path of attunement, trust, and unconditional love. If this podcast speaks to you, please subscribe and leave a review. Your support helps more parents discover the transformative power of low demand parenting. And don’t forget to grab your free Low Demand Reset at amandadiekman.com/reset. Thank you for being here, and remember: It takes great strength to let things go. I’ll see you next week.

In this deeply empathetic mailbag episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman answers two listener questions about navigating the challenges of dysregulated kids: Physical Aggression and Meltdowns: What do you do when your child is physically aggressive, whether toward you or siblings? Amanda shares strategies for: De-escalation: Dropping demands in the moment to reduce tension and prioritize safety. Co-regulation: Staying grounded so your child can borrow your calm to find their own. Practical tips for balancing priorities like safety versus expectations, and the importance of repair after meltdowns. Name-Calling and Emotional Pain: How do you handle deeply painful words from a dysregulated child? Amanda dives into: Why name-calling is a symptom of deep dysregulation, not malice. How dropping the expectation that “hurtful words won’t happen” fosters connection and healing. The transformative work of exploring why certain behaviors hurt you, healing your own emotional wounds, and modeling resilience for your child. This episode is filled with actionable strategies, personal reflections, and encouragement for parents navigating the complexities of dysregulated kids.   Time Stamps: 00:46 Understanding Dysregulation in Children 03:14 De-escalation and Co-regulation Strategies 10:16 Addressing Name Calling and Emotional Safety 18:39 Healing and Self-Reflection for Parents 20:38 Conclusion and Listener Engagement Additional Resources: Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:    Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. In this mailbag episode, I'm responding to two questions about kids who are really dysregulated. We'll cover aggression and meltdowns and picking fights and calling names in this episode, but I just want to note that not all kids show their dysregulation through external behaviors. This It is called externalizing, when we can see the fact that their nervous system is overtaxed, that they're having big feelings, that they don't have tools to manage, and when they're beyond their window of tolerance, basically a kid that's dysregulated, we see it on the outside in the way that they behave and act. And many kids do this. They take their insides and they bring them outside and we can see it easily. Anyone can. But some kids are just as dysregulated. They're just as outside their window of tolerance. They're just in just as much pain on the inside. But rather than bringing it out, they will internalize their dysregulation. They'll bring it out. inside their own bodies, often by controlling their bodies through perfectionism. It can result in eating disorders or self harm. And all of these internalizers are much harder to spot. Their dysregulation and is masking as a good kid who's doing just fine. And that is how they want to be perceived often. And so it takes a really astute eye, whether you're a parent or a caregiver or a therapist or a teacher, it really takes a keen adult to sense a kid who's struggling and who's hiding their struggle. All of the responses and all of the ideas in this episode will still apply, even if you're Disregulated kid is imploding instead of exploding. Let's get into the questions. We have a question about physical aggression against mother or against siblings and what to do. My first answer is always pay attention to the situation where it happened. Ask yourself, what was too hard for my child in this situation? How can I drop it next time so that we don't have this situation? So that my child is not even escalated in the first place. Let's say you can't and it's already happening, which is what we call in the moment. So in the moment, there are two priorities. You're going to deescalate and co regulate. The principles of de escalate are that first you look and see, is there an obvious demand that I can drop that is too hard? Let's say you're pushing your kid to get in the car and they are hitting you or their sibling on the sidewalk and screaming at you. It feels like there's a ton of pressure there because you've got a full grocery cart and the car is loaded up with frozen stuff and you need them to get in the car so you can get this stuff home. It might seem really hard, but can you drop the demand that they get in the car at that moment? Part of the reason that we drop the demand in the moment is that your child is not capable of meeting this expectation and that continuing to hold it right now is only going to give you worse and worse options. By dropping the demand, you back up to bad options, and that's where we want to go. That's the right direction. We've got worse, we've got bad, and then we can get to better. Better and good are all going to happen in prevention and proactive planning. Bad and worse is what happens in the moment. But you assess your options, you notice what is going to make this situation worse, what's going to make this situation better, and prioritize what matters most. So the popsicles getting a little bit melty or your chicken thawing a bit is probably less significant in the moment than you getting hurt, your child running off in a crowded parking lot, or a sibling becoming traumatized. In those moments, sometimes it seems so desperate. I've got to get these groceries home. You have got to get in this car. And holding the demand seems to make more sense, logically. But actually, when we bring our priorities online, and we bring our thinking brain back online, and we step out of autopilot, we can recognize what matters most, what actually matters most, and sacrifice the things that are less important. Which in our hypothetical situation is our popsicles. You're gonna de escalate by dropping the demand that your child get in the car and instead allow them to cry or to flail or to whatever they need to do by letting the things that are too hard go. In the moment you tell your child, I see you, I see what you're struggling with. I know what matters most. I will be your calm in the storm. I will let things go. And you are allowed to have this moment. You are allowed to have a hard time. I'm not going to hold it against you. In that moment, you do your own work to actually let those popsicles or that chicken or whatever it is. That's your sacrificing to actually let it go. If you toss those items straight in the trash because it took a full hour and they're not good anymore, then that's okay. All of this is hypothetical, but I hope what you're hearing me say is that you let go of the demand that you're holding in the moment, look for how to reconnect and reestablish safety for the child who's melting down and you sacrifice the things that are less important for the things that are most important. So you've de escalated. You've dropped the demand that's too hard. Now you're going to co regulate. Co regulation is where your brain actually sends signals to your kid's brain to give them signals to calm invisibly. And this sounds so woo and like fake science, but it's actually real science. When you practice co Regulation in your body, your regulated brain is actually the primary thing that your child will use in order to regulate themselves. You allow your child to tap into your prefrontal cortex, your regulation center. The core of co regulation is do what you need to do to regulate your own body so that you are a stable place for your child to land when they're having a hard time. This is an excellent place to get proactive, which is figuring out what are you going to do in the moment, practically. Are you going to take a deep breath? Does that actually feel good to you or does it make you spin out of control? Are you going to do like me and wiggle your toes to try to stay present so you don't dissociate because a dissociated brain cannot actually co regulate for another person's brain? Are you going to notice five things around you? Close your eyes for a second and say, I can trust this. Does that give you the ability to be a presence for your child? You don't have to be miraculously calm if that doesn't feel accessible to you. You don't have to fake it. What you want to do is find your own way of coming back into yourself and being present. and noticing that you are okay. If you can access that feeling of, I am okay, then you are co regulating for your child. And then beyond doing something for yourself, whatever that quick reminder or mantra is for you to get back into your body, to get back into your okay ness, then you think about, what does my kid need in this moment to get back into their okay ness? Is it something sensory related? I don't know. Do they need to scream? Do they need to punch? Do they need to kick? Do they need to squeeze? Do they need to grab? Do they need a hug? Do they need a swing? Is it something emotion related? Do they need some space to feel their feelings? I know in our family and different things are needed in different times. And so co regulation is often thinking really nimbly on my feet. How can I use the space I'm in and the time that this is? To meet this kid's needs as much as possible and sometimes it's simple math like is the least painful option right now. How do I get us home in the most accessible way? Or how do I have the fewest people hurt? Because there's not always a magical great option. Sometimes there's just terrible and even more terrible. And so you do the math and you figure out which one is less terrible. Do that in order to get back to your safe place and then do what needs to be done to do healing and repair. I just want to diffuse the myth that there's a really great way of handling this out there and that you're just messing up because you're not doing that really great way. Sometimes there's not. Sometimes you get home, you get safe, and you repair, because that's the best you can do in this situation. It's always wise to weigh consequences. Letting your kid ride in the front seat without a seatbelt, which seems crazy unsafe, but maybe that's less unsafe than having them ride in the front with a seatbelt, actively hurting you and hitting you while you're driving down the highway. Make your real time decision. About what is your best option? Not in a hypothetical, ideal world, best case scenario. No, we are operating in worst case scenario right now and it is okay. That first question is really practical. It's about what do you do when things are going off the rails and you're out in public and you, you need strategies in the moment. Our next question is a lot more about your mindset and your approach. It's more about how you set up your family support structures to help both you and your child feel safe and seen. And, as I'll mention in this question, it comes out of my lived experience and a deep desire to help you move more quickly into a state of more ease and joy than I did and not to get stuck in the same pitfalls. So, here is question two. It's a question from Mary. She is ready to drop the demand of being polite in neuro normative ways, but wants to hold a line at no name calling for anyone at any time. Because the reality is that when her daughter is feeling really dysregulated, some of the things that she says are just intolerable for Mary. So I'm ready and really eager to step into this with you because I completely get where you're coming from on this and I want to help you make progress faster than I did. I learned the hard way that holding on to these non negotiables in order to protect myself Ultimately, worked against my long term goal of healing the relationship with my child so that they can show up in their best way towards me, so that I don't always get the worst of the worst. Ultimately, name calling. On point, very specific, very mean name calling. Is just another behavioral signal of dysregulation. And you, you mentioned this in your question that this happens when she's dysregulated, when dysregulated name calling happens. That's right, a brain and nervous system Detecting threat at such a high level so far beyond the window of tolerance We're expressing that I feel like my life is at risk. I am Existentially like I feel like I could die. My very existence is on the line. So I'm going to use it Every protective mechanism that I have in my arsenal in order to protect myself because ultimately your daughter Mary is looking both to thrive and to stay safe. So here is the reality. The brain and the nervous system essentially have two modes. There it's either safe or not safe. It's an on or an off. And if your child is in not safe, Then their prefrontal cortex, our highest level brain functioning, the place where they have stored things like mom told me that this is a non negotiable, that it hurts her when I say these words, that part of their brain is literally not functioning in that moment. It is a survival mechanism. So she literally cannot Remember that this is a family role. She cannot remember this hurts mom. And I will feel devastated that I said these words to her. It's not there. It's not possible. It's as though she were in a wheelchair. And you were expecting her to get up and walk. Literally not possible. Then what is the function of a rule? Let's say you say to your child, we don't do name calling. It's just how we are in this family. Can we both agree that we don't want to do this, that we just want this to be not a part of our dynamic anymore. We don't want to hurt each other this way. And she's feeling connected. Her whole brain lit up with connection and trust. And she's, yes, mom. Yes, I don't want to hurt you this way. I really don't. You're like, yes, we did it. And then what happens? Another meltdown happens, and boom, you're right back to the same behavior. The part of her brain that would stop her isn't functioning in that moment. You might say yes, but she doesn't say this to anybody else. Yes, that is true. This is the hard part for parents in order to remain their safe person. Her body perceives safety with you. She isn't doing all of the extra neuropsychological things that are required in order to remain hyper vigilant. That's the complex reality of masking. Masking requires. So much from our brain, our body, and our nervous system, it requires this radical disconnect from our bodies and from the real emotional reactions that are happening inside of us, but the body never forgets. I can never let my guard down. I am always prey and the predators are everywhere. I must remain hypervigilant at all times. That comes at a severe cost. The meltdown has happened. The words came out, you got hurt. She felt so deeply unsafe, that she said things she didn't mean to, which comes along with a whole layer. self loathing and it comes at a cost to the relationship with you. Maybe she's lost the one person in the world that she can actually be safe with. What happens when we drop that final frontier, that last barrier that we want to desperately to hold, to say that the only way I can be okay as your grownup. is to hold this last line. This is just not okay with me. When we let that go, what it does is tell our children, no matter what you say, I will be here. No matter how you wound me, I know how to take care of myself. I know how to show up for you. Because I know how to repair. Because I am the person who will model for you what it looks like to be safe. Inside of myself that no matter how the world comes at me, I know how to repair with myself. So that is the hard message that I have to share with you on a simple level. I would love it if If you could just hold one last thing, the last thing you want to hold is you can't hurt your siblings. They've been hurt enough. I will not let this go. Or maybe it's, I won't let you use this particular word with me. I just won't. You can't do it. I want that to be true for you. I want you to be able to hold onto that. I so do. The simple, hard, heartbreaking message is. It doesn't work. Ultimately, holding that deepens your child's shame, disconnection, and sense of unsafety in their relationship with you. It makes it even harder to repair. The memory of rupture without repair breaks down that relationship. Ultimately, what we're trying to do here with low demand is put more and more investments in the safety column, in the trust column, in the connection column, letting go of the expectation that you won't say mean things to me actually makes it more likely that she won't say mean things to you. It's so counterintuitive. It's mind blowing. I know. Letting go is your fastest, surest path to the thing that you want. But I can totally hear you getting upset and saying, But Amanda, are you saying every time my daughter gets upset, I get my feelings hurt? I have to feel this terrible way just so she can feel safe? What about me? What about my safety? I can't be safe in this relationship. I'm getting hurt like this. And you're right. And we're right at the heart of it. Your work in this relationship is to dig deep into why these words hurt you. Why this is your final frontier. What in your story has made this kind of name calling so excruciatingly painful and unsafe? When we heal in those really raw, really deep, very intimate pieces of our own story, Then we gain the power to show up for our children, no matter what they throw at us. Whether it's modeling for them or just doing it for ourselves, we move through this last huge piece of our own pain that we've carried with us all this way into adulthood. This moment with our child is inviting us to look at it, to heal it and to walk on as a whole person. In so many ways, these things circle back around to Greece, grieving the people who have called you names in the past, the part of you that has longed your entire life to feel safe in a relationship where no one would ever cut you down. To be truly safe in your most intimate relationships, you want that and you deserve that. You will achieve that in your relationship to yourself. You ultimately are the one. You can love yourself the way you need to be loved. You can heal the parts of you that need to be healed so you can show up for your child. And in the meantime, this is an imperfect journey. So you show up partially healed and partially broken. And so does she. We walk with each other through the hard stuff. And we try and we stumble and we learn how to say I love you anyway. If you have a question for our mailbag episodes, I'd love to hear from you. You can go to www.amandadiekman.com/podcast for a place to send me your questions. If this podcast is speaking to your soul, you can subscribe through wherever you get your own podcasts. Even better, if you feel the nudge, head on over to Apple podcasts in particular and leave us a review. It's such a helpful way for new people to also get to experience what this podcast wants to bring into their lives. I'm Amanda. Remember it takes great strength to let things go. I'll see you next week.

In this deeply engaging episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman sits down with Morénike Giwa Onaiwu—an activist, advocate, and thought leader in neurodiversity and intersectionality. Together, they unpack how intersectionality informs low demand parenting, highlighting the overlap of privilege and marginalization in parenting and life. From understanding how societal norms rooted in white supremacy affect neurodivergent families to exploring the complexities of unmasking for marginalized communities, this conversation challenges us to reflect on how our identities shape the demands we place on ourselves and our children. Morénike shares practical insights on navigating cultural expectations, systemic biases, and building stronger, more inclusive connections across neurotypes. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking to align their parenting practices with authenticity, humility, and the realities of diverse lived experiences. Additional Resources: Dr. Onaiwu's books, including "Sincerely, Your Autistic Child" Dr. Onaiwu’s work as Director, Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network (AWN) Dr. Onaiwu's Google Scholar page "What To Say Next" book that Dr. Onaiwu mentions in the episode Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:    Welcome to the low demand parenting podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy and thrive. Even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm  Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler.  Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.      Welcome.    Thank you so much, Amanda.     I am so grateful that you are here to share your wisdom. Because for some people, maybe this is their first time asking about what is intersectionality.   So let's move in first with a kind of a 101. What is this idea and why are you so passionate about it?   The term was coined in the 90s by a professor named Kimberlé Crenshaw,  and she's still an active professor today. She's really involved in black feminism and legal studies .   We all have multiple identities. Every single person, every one of us.  None of us are just one thing. We have a nationality. We have a gender. We have an age group, socioeconomic status. We have a faith belief or non belief.  We have ethnicity. We have all of these things. So all of us have all of these things that make us who we are. We all have privileges and marginalizations as well. Everyone does.   It's a concept that's fluid. It's not the same. For example, I have a great deal more privilege than my cousins who are in West Africa. By virtue of being raised here in the United States, I have opportunities that they don't have. It's something that I didn't ask for. It's not my fault, but I do have it and I have to recognize and acknowledge it.   But then there's also areas of my life where I have challenges. And so there is not a single human being who is all marginalizations.  We're all privileges, we're all a mix of both, and in different circumstances, sometimes one thing that's a privilege somewhere can be a marginalization elsewhere. And that should, we should all acknowledge that, but intersectionality is looking at the interplay of the marginalizations of these identities.   So all of our different identities, privileged and marginalized, overlap one another, you don't stop being a mom just because you're a woman, just because you're a whatever, and so all these things tied together. Sometimes they work in sync with one another. Sometimes they clash.   And so intersectionality, Dr. Kimberlé Crenshaw was using a couple of court cases. One was de Graff in a raid versus General Motors. And then there was another one against the science lab in which it was found that there was a group of women who had sued for discrimination where they worked.   And the case was not found in their favor. It said you all are saying you're being discriminated against because you're Black, but there's Black people who work here. You're saying you're discriminated against because you're women, but there's women who work here. But what they weren't looking at was the fact that every Black person who worked there had to be able to lift a certain, it was like basically warehouse work, had to be able to lift a certain amount of weight.   And so most of these women who were, five, one, and, didn't have the physical capacity to work in those warehouses. And then there were women who were hired in the place, but all of the women were white or white presenting because they were in jobs such as receptionist and client facing.   Positions that at this time, in the discriminatory, society that was occurring at that time, which was a lot more overt, these women weren't able to get such jobs. Just because, it didn't look at the fact that we're working, but putting these things together makes things more complicated.   And so intersectionality is simply the intersection of the different aspects of your identity, particularly those that are marginalized, how they overlap and impact your life. And the. Illustration, she gives us about a four way intersection of vehicles. If you have cars coming from this way.   If there's no stop sign, yield sign or stoplight unless someone does something, they would collide and you don't know which ones want to collide with what. First, they're all going to collide together. You don't know which one's going to hit harder, but they're all going to have an impact.   And so it's a concept that means a lot to me.  It really applies to us all. And especially if you're doing this kind of parenting, I'm pretty sure that in many ways it applies to your life.    Yes, absolutely. Let's dive into the low demand aspect of this. Low demand parenting is all about dropping demands and reducing expectations to create relationships of safety and connection.   But the things that we expect of our Children are very Contextual and intersectional.  I found this in coaching parents around the world, that the things that they say are "have to's," like "good parents do this", or "this is what we do" is very different.   So how do we begin to think about these norms,  these demands that we are constructing from a more intersectional perspective?    It's really hard because there's a lot of things that, are subconscious for us, and it really takes a lot of effort and intentionality to understand those things.    There's a lot of things that we think we've unpacked and unloaded, but there's a lot we need to examine about ourselves,  and determine --have we really backed it up as much as we think we have?   Have we really removed everything?    If we're saying that, "okay I'm not going to insist upon a bedtime, for my child,"  but after a certain time they can't do this, or this, you are insisting on a bedtime. Or if you're saying "I don't care , what time they brush their teeth, they just need to brush their teeth." Do they? Will they die? Are the teeth going to fall if they don't brush one day? Or maybe just use the toothbrush or just use the mouthwash?    Some of it is inspecting that and is that really true? Or is that just something that somebody told me once and I've held on to all this time? And while we're talking about the neuro norms I particularly love some of the writing and sharing you've done about the ways that those norms themselves have been shaped by white supremacy and the ways that this is going unchallenged, even in the neurodivergent community. Yes, and these are conversations that I have a lot because I know they're not pleasant but there are things that we need to think about and address because we all want to do better  if this was hopeless if there was no chance there'd be no reason to bring it up.   , when something is what you've been surrounded with, it becomes like your normalcy and it's hard for it not to be, and so neurodivergent people, like you mentioned, neurodiversity is, overall, it's a sense of culture within a culture. But we still are bringing with it what we've been raised with or what we've been around and what we understand. And one example of that is for example,   it's a little better now, but a lot of the checklists they used to have online about, determining whether or not someone was neurodivergent or autistic, had a lot of the things that they shared were Western norms and often white norms. They were things that may not be true to one's experience if you're a person of color, and so are not seen, you are missed.   Other things, people need to think about things culturally, one example  📍 is language. Person first language originated from, developmental disabilities community and simultaneously from the HIV community, both of these communities of which can have a large number of individuals of color.   And so  it's seen as empowering. It isn't seen as a negative thing or wanting to separate themselves. So when people say stuff like identity first language is is better and person first language is perpetuating stigma. I'm thinking "maybe it is to you because maybe culturally to you it's seen as separation, but maybe that's not how it's perceived  by other groups.  You're, projecting."    It might be better to say this is my preference, but this one is acceptable as well. A lot of the things that people say are non negotiables are  things that aren't intersectional.   And I find that actually, interestingly enough, regardless of race, people who are adopting ways of parenting, that's more connected and inclusive. There's, low demand parenting unschooling, a variety of these different things tend to have a worldview that seems to me more like  the people of global majority.   For example, there's  📍 an intergenerational component. And so things such as co sleeping or , doing things in a non traditional way because it works for the family  are things that are welcomed whereas you see in a lot of advocacy, it's the lone wolf, it's me parents have no voice here.   These people have no voice. And for us,  it's more intertwined. A lot of what drives us is our families and ourselves. We definitely want our voice projected, but we want these people alongside us. We don't want them not with us. We may not even want them behind us.   We might want them near us. And so I think that there's just things like this nuances that people share a lot of things that people talk about, unmasking or some of these things are very unsafe for people of color who are neurodivergent to do or very difficult to do. It, it's just really, it's complicated.   So I think that we really have to step outside of our own experiences and think --some things that are right for us are helpful for us are not for others. I remember having to change the way that I think because I always used to be very frustrated when people would talk about autism being You know, prison where your body's in, you're locked in, but your mind is intact.   And I used to be very upset about that and thought that was very ableist. And I was like, that is not true. It's not a prison. It's just how you all perceive it. But then I started realizing that there were some of our colleagues, for example, some of my minimally speaking colleagues have said that is how it feels to me because I actually, have difficulty with controlling my body.   It's not just about stimming and this, any other, it does feel that way. And so I started.  Okay. I can't really say that. They may, accept themselves who they are in neurology, but this is still an element of their experience. And so for me to deny it or say, that's not the case is to erase  their lives and their role in their community.    Gosh. Yes.  I love what you're bringing here, which is, it's like a real humility.  Can we speak about our own experience and back off on so much projecting of " this is how it is for everyone."?     That is such a white supremacist move of " I'm going to take my experience and then blanket it onto the world."   Absolutely.    It's, there's this willingness to be teachable and to be wrong and that you're offering up that I think is so important. And you brought up this particular aspect of balancing of unmasking  as a concept that that I think many people are saying this is the way forward is for autistic people to come out into the world and mask.   And yet there is. Because of intersectionality and the identities yes, maybe that's true from a white experience, but from a number of other identities and intersections. That's not safe. So I'm thinking about the ways that my kids, like one of my kids will yell at me in public or hit me or hit his siblings and that would be perceived as very dangerous.   And perhaps people even, intervening, in dramatic ways that I can drop the demand that he behave a certain way because of my identity, because of my cultural privilege and that for other kids, even if it's not aggressive behavior, even just Stemming or yelling that those behaviors might be also perceived as aggressive.   So how Absolutely. Do you, you can either speak to this, like how do you balance this in your own life, or how do you help others who are thinking about the reality of their intersectional identity and dropping demands like unmasking?    I think that I like welcome people to really dwell in that gray zone because of the fact that.    We do want to promote authenticity but we also want to understand the practical reality that people have. And the example you just gave me, it was a great one if your child's dysregulated and they're, bashing on and hitting, it's not because he hates you, it's not because he's violent, he's having a difficult time, he's thrashing, he's trying to regulate himself, and you understand what that means, and later on, he'll have an opportunity to calm down, he'll talk through it. But like you mentioned, Happening at home is one thing.   If it happens in public people might stare, but it's less likely that they're going to, it won't be perceived in the same way that it would with another family.  I know it's different for everyone, and some children can't camouflage or mask anyway,  not even  if they wanted to, they are not ever going to be successful.   Some adults as well. But I explained to my children Okay, this is how people are going to think of thing A or thing B, even if that's not you mean of thing A or thing B. And I know sometimes it's hard to be to think about those things in the moment in difficult times. So these are things I've told them about in during times that.   They aren't, having a challenging day. When they are able to process and internalize new information. I explained to them, they'll ask me certain questions why I do certain things and I'll explain. so for example that I We'll explain that I might, let certain situations go just because it's, it's simpler and easier, as opposed to, what would be true to me, which would be, to my ethics might be to address the thing.   It might not be the time. There might be a better way to do those things, a safer way to do those things.  So I explained to them, for example, that When I had the talk, which I hate, but with my older children, I explained to them, if you were in a situation with an authority figure and they're asking you a lot of questions, rapid fire questions.   I know at home, we don't have to do our contact and all that. I know you're at school. You don't have to do it, but please do it with these people. And they're looking at me. I'm like, I know it sounds ridiculous. But because of the fact that people perceive when you look away as if you have something to hide, or you're shifting, or whatever, even though I know that's something I told you not to do, try to do it.   For, even though this is something that is not good for you, because it's a lesser of two evils in this situation. I'll tell them to try to find a way to stim internally, try not to rock. And again, I know this is not healthy or normal to the suppression, but try to use your internal stims, things that song lyrics around your head or whatever, because you can move less.   Try to move very slowly and deliberately, do not engage in echo, which even though we encourage it because it's processing, it's how we understand things and retention, they'll think you're being mocked. So basically I'm teaching you how to be fake  momentarily to survive. And I'm teaching you that if someone does something to you that's, that's wrong, you let it happen and we'll worry about it later, whereas usually I would say, no, this is unfair, this is wrong, or whatever, in a situation where you have more power. In a school setting or with your siblings, you can be like "no, that isn't fair because this and the other," you cannot say that in this instance, you need to just, make it through the situation and move on.    I think that's hard for people to understand, and I think it's also hard for some people to understand why. Okay such and such  setting this school or this type of therapy or program is harmful. Why would that person have their child in that thing? And so I think that they need to think about what are the alternatives if they don't?   What happens to this person in a culture where people call child protective services for a child playing in the park alone, if you weren't using the "gold standard of medical care," or if you weren't giving your child what is considered a, " a legitimate education" in their eyes , what risks are are you placing yourself and your child in?    So I think that sometimes we just have to understand that people don't have the circumstances that we have sometimes.   We might  have a lot of challenges, but we might still have privileges that they don't, that allow us to, openly say things or do things a certain way without realizing the costs. For myself, I used to mask, , at work years ago. And when I started to unmask it was very freeing, but I think I realized also it was the time that put a target on my back.   Um, It felt free. Internally, but it also, made me unsafe. So I was safe in terms of being my real self and I was unsafe in terms of now my job stability was threatened and ultimately, that accumulated over time.     And I can speak to it from a white perspective something that I think about often is my ability to drop a demand like Send it, my kids don't go to school, but like sending them to school in the same clothes several days in a row because they can't change clothes.   But I can do that. I have the privilege to do that.     They call CPS so fast.  You know what I mean? Like your kid's hair. So that's, and that's the challenges. There is a a colleague of mine named Natasha supernova mama, who has two, who is autistic and has two autistic little girls.   And so her girls, their hair is locked, which is a twist, because the idea of constantly washing, combing, brushing, the sensory part of that is, is like horrendous for her little girls. But yet, if you, if your child's hair is considered unkempt, or their clothes are not like this, it can be very problematic.   People will say that you're neglecting your child, that they're harmed, that they're, if your child's self harming, if they're a person who scratches themselves you're going to be the one that's Look at something is wrong, so if your child wants to eat the same thing every day, you're going to be looked at as not giving them adequate nutrition, like all of these things are criminalized.   You're just under additional scrutiny that other people have. So you may not care that your kids barefoot or in the same clothes. You may be fine with it, but you might have to force them to change because you know that the domino effect is going to be, a catastrophe for you and your family.   Yeah, exactly.  And I also think as a white parent of white children who are neurodivergent and developing friendships with other neurodivergent kids, that's something that's really important for me is to teach them, Hey, something that you are doing, if it was done in a black body is going to be perceived as dangerous.   And so you need to be looking out for your friends, you need to  stepping into those environments and providing your privilege can be somebody else's safety.    Yes.    And they aren't going to see that. Like your kids are like, that sounds crazy. My kids are like, that sounds crazy.    Yeah, exactly.     And I'm like, yeah, but it's true.   And this is your job because of the body you were born into and you need to wield it for good. And not for evil because just standing by or, perpetuating is not an option for you.     That is so important. And I think that's what a lot of people miss about these conversations.   Like they get caught up in like frustration or guilt. I'm thinking it's not about guilt. It's about life places in situations where sometimes there are responsibilities upon our shoulders that are difficult to bear, whether it's having to act a way that's not authentic for you or having to get out of your comfort zone and help someone or use its privilege to switch and manipulate a situation, not because you want to, but because of  situation that you're around.   An example of mine is I lived in Southern California for a number of years. one of my best friends, we learned, we used to make these drives to Arizona. We learned very quickly. that although I was a better driver, my friend needed to drive because I got stopped so many times. It was just when we, when my friend drove, we didn't get stopped.   So it was like his, burden as my white male friend was, this sucks. I don't like being on the road, but I'm going to go ahead and drive. It's going to be better. We're not going to be stopped. It's not going to have this drama. And he wasn't resenting me for it.   It was something that he recognized that he could offer that he could contribute.  So it's an additional task, but , like you mentioned  we're a community. So we all have to be there for each other.  This person is bearing, the brunt of it in one way and you were bearing in another.   Yeah. That's a way to confront these realities, not from a place of blindness of just unmask, just do it. Mm-Hmm. like That is not helpful, but facing together that we all desire a life where we can be our full selves, and yet we're operating in a system where that is not equally safe.   And so then we need to enter into that  in lockstep,    Yes, not resistant, not hiding, I tell people privilege can be a superpower or it can be a weapon. How are you going to use it?  Some people are given the privilege of being on a certain platform, and they use that  space to share others experiences.    If you have the privilege, like for example, myself, of being a person who can speak to communicate, although I'm a part time AAC user there are a lot of concepts that I can share that might not be my direct experience or something that is the highest priority for me, but it very much is for another part of our community.   But because they have not been brought to the table, that doesn't mean that voice has to be absent. They should be at the table. But if they're not,  I'm gonna share their spot. They're going to be in spirit at the table as best as I can as an ally to share that perspective.   And I think that's what we need to learn to do. We need to lean into those things, not hide from them.     All right. I have one more question for you. And I just wanted to say before it's over, like I'm loving this conversation. Thank you for showing up today. This has been amazing. So I want to ask you about intersection when it comes to crossing neurotype.   So if we have a neuro typical parent, raising a neurodivergent child or a neurotypical partner with a neurodivergent one and. That's another place where the culture and expectations might clash and there's also power and privilege at work in those dynamics.    My parents have English as their second language, they almost always like when someone asks a question, pause, it's just a quick little pause, but they pause a moment before they just answer.   I think we need to do that if there's these differences. We need to have an understanding to take  an additional look at things because a lot of it is going to be  learning.   For example, we have phonics and then we have sight words. Some of those words make no sense. You just have to memorize them. There's nothing logical about that word whatsoever. E I G H T, but that's eight. Okay. And so with A T E, sometimes you just have to accept that the thing makes no sense, but this is what it means.   This is the symbol for this or for that.  That's what we have to understand about a lot of our communication.  It shouldn't be only the neurodivergent person learning the ways of neurotypicality  and stretching and changing.   It should be the other way around as well. We should all be coming together. For example I have  a relative who feels ignored if you don't communicate with them. I can go years without talking to someone and still consider them one of my closest friends, and as soon as we connect, it's like we never stopped talking, but this person, I've put in my calendar. I now text them every couple of weeks. It's something I can do that's out of my comfort zone to help them, even though I think it's ridiculous.   To me, I don't care, but I'm doing it for you. So similarly, certain things that people might have to do, with their spouse or with their children that you don't get. You have no idea why this light is so bothersome to this person. You flip the light on in the kitchen, the person's shielding their eyes.   To you, it looks fine. To them, it's a bright fluorescent flashlight in their face. You might not get it, but you know what it means to them.    There is a book  by a couple Sarah and Larry Nannery, it's called What to Say Next. And Sarah Nannery is an autistic mom married to a neurotypical husband.  Basically he translates the world for her.   She'll be at work, there'll be a situation and then she'll send it to him. "What does this mean?" And he's " oh, they're not really meaning this. They mean this." He helps her with   decoding and we can do that with one another too. Your child came into the room, you could explain to the neighbor that your child came in and didn't say hi.   It's not because they're rude, but they don't say hi when they come into the room. They have a routine. They go straight for, I don't know, the refrigerator or whatever.  They acknowledge you, but not with small talk. It's not rudeness. It means this.    My son likes to share food and some of this food I don't like. And I would try to say "no, it's fine. It's fine." And so I've learned that if I can just take a little small bite, whether I like it, I don't have to pretend like I like it. That's a love language for him. He's going to insist. He just needs to see someone else take part in the eating as well.    I'd so much rather just say, "Oh, that's great. I'm glad you like it. Oh, it's yummy.  Know. I don't want to try it. "And, and I can't expect him to honor my no, I can tell him to do that. But I can also yield, so like I can have boundaries, but sometimes those boundaries can be flexible.   I think we should be like a cytoskeleton as opposed to a cell wall. Sturdy and with our boundaries intact, but flexible to let things in and out as we need to as situations arrive.    I love that metaphor. I'm going to tell my husband that he's a scientist.   I'm thinking of this morning. I never do this, but I messed up and I kissed the Top of my son's head. Cause I was just right there and it just happened and he screamed and grabbed it  and it would be so easy to dismiss that. " Come on, I just kissed you," but for him, it is physically painful for me to cross that boundary.   And I know not to do it. And I messed up and I apologize big time because that was a transgression and I  did it anyway, and that's a way of honoring, like  for him, his experience is that this. That this kiss was incredibly terrible. And it doesn't help me at all to say I just kissed the top of your head.    So realize, okay, we're both neurodivergent, but this is a sensory difference that he has that isn't mine. It isn't natural to me. So maybe I just got into autopilot mode and kissed, but I owned up.   I was accountable. I was like, Whoa, sorry, hon, that I shouldn't have done that. And I realized that, I think that our kids see that authenticity in us. And I think it helps them. I'll say something and my children will come back and be like, mom, you were wrong about this.   And the other, I'd be like, Oh, wow. You're right. I was sorry. Like I think that it builds trust.    I can tell that you are an incredible parent and yeah, it's, it must be a real gift to be your child because of the kind of nurture and love that you're offering. And also thank you for bringing all of us into your wisdom. It's been such a gift to talk to you today.   Thank you.    Thank you. Parents, I just want to say, if you're thinking you screwed up, you didn't do this right, you didn't do that that probably means that you're on the right track to becoming the parent you want to be. Just the other day I was running behind on something and I was like, oh, I, everybody's upset at me. My husband's No one's upset at you.   He went to the kids. Are you upset at mommy? I said, mom, and so in my mind, because I was upset at myself, I mentioned that. And so I was just thinking, okay, wow, like  we can be so self critical even when we're telling ourselves to be gentle with our child. We need to be gentle with ourselves sometimes too.   We need to be a low demand parent ourselves sometimes too.    Absolutely. I fully second that. Letting things go for ourselves is so important in this life.  Thank you.    Thank you.