You Have Permission

Attention YHP Listeners: Starting in October, the podcast You Have Permission will change its name to Religion on the Mind. This rebrand will come with new artwork and focus more broadly on the overlap of Psychology, Religion & Spirituality. We look forward to telling you more in the coming days… stay tuned! I sit down with previous guest Matt Naylor from the Milkless podcast to explore a disturbing pattern he discovered through a simple Google experiment: searching for public figures known for embracing violence and cruelty, then adding "father" to see what emerges. From Elon Musk to Joe Rogan to JD Vance, the batting average for abuse, abandonment, and alcoholism is striking.  We dig into the neuroscience behind early childhood attachment, examining how those first six months of life literally wire our brains for how we perceive safety in the world. Matt shares research on rat mothers who groom their babies differently and how those early experiences shape everything from stress response to longevity—findings that translate directly to human development. We explore the unique roles fathers play in transmitting worldview and values, diving into attachment research that shows father-child relationships are particularly crucial for managing externalizing behaviors like aggression and rule-breaking.  The conversation takes a personal turn as Matt reflects on his own family history and his determination to raise daughters who see the world as an enchanted place full of wonder rather than a threatening landscape requiring constant vigilance. The episode weaves together cutting-edge brain science, attachment theory, and deeply personal reflection on what it means to be a father in an increasingly polarized world. Take It Offline Question: What things do you find that you feel in your body about the world that don't line up with the way you wish you felt about the world? Milkless Podcast Child-father attachment and behavior problems (NIH) Christian Century interview with Vern Bengston about fathers and religious transmission to children ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this week’s Top of Mind segment, I address the Charlie Kirk assassination through cognitive distortions, calling out the all-or-nothing thinking that's turning him into either a blessed martyr or democracy's destroyer when the reality is more nuanced. I also push back against the dangerous idea that speech equals violence, pointing out that Kirk's murder serves as a stark reminder that actual bullets—not words—constitute real violence. For this week’s main episode, I’m going solo. I start by sharing how my own faith deconstruction included grappling with evolution. From questioning young earth creationism to eventually embracing evolutionary theory by my late twenties, and how evolution informs my therapeutic practice. Then, I go into how psychology has fully embraced evolutionary explanations across five key areas:  attachment theory (which appears across species and helped our ancestors survive through bonding),  shame (as an evolved social conscience that keeps us aligned with group norms),  sexual jealousy (as mate-guarding behavior found throughout the animal kingdom),  anxiety (as an overactive alarm system that kept our ancestors alive through hypervigilance), and  depression (as either energy conservation during adverse conditions or analytical rumination for solving complex problems.)  These evolutionary frameworks help reduce client shame by showing that their struggles aren't personal defects but rather ancient survival systems that are now mismatched to our modern world. In the Patreon-only portion, I dive deeper into attachment research with macaques, the neuroscience of shame and anxiety across species, mate-guarding behaviors from chimpanzees to humans, and two competing theories of depression—the hibernation model and analytical rumination hypothesis. Episodes Mentioned: Episode with Adrian Wyard | To Accept Theistic Evolution (#2) To Trust Science (#28) Evolution Myths & Long Lifespans in Genesis (#36) Who’s Afraid of Evolutionary Psychology? (#47) ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

David Zahl, writer and director of Mockingbird Ministries, critiques self-optimization culture and its dehumanizing effects. He argues that our obsession with efficiency overlooks the profound complexity of life. The conversation dives into how wellness industries exploit our discontent and the difference between optimization and meaningful living. Zahl reflects on Jesus' inefficiency and how loneliness shapes our identities. They also connect cultural references, emphasizing that true growth flourishes through community rather than relentless self-improvement.

Delve into the profound impact of authoritarian parenting and its legacy on adult relationships. Explore how teachings from a controversial evangelical figure contributed to trauma and shame cycles that persist today. Discover the importance of recognizing dysfunctional attachment styles and the necessity for nurturing discipline over rigid obedience. The conversation highlights the journey of healing from spiritual abuse, navigates the nuanced dynamics of guilt and shame, and empowers listeners to redefine their personal values and relationships.

He’s out from behind the green curtain! In this episode, my guest is none other than my producer and audio/editor wizard, Josh Gilbert. Josh spends about 23 hours per week listening to conversations on religion, psychology, and deconstruction. He joins me to tell how this work has fundamentally changed his worldview and sense of self. For Josh, this immersive listening experience has made it nearly impossible for him to be surprised by new ideas and has pushed him towards comedy and entertainment for palette cleansing. He tells the story of attending both Black Lives Matter protests and police ride-alongs, and shares how listening has transformed his capacity for empathy and given him the ability to see multiple perspectives. We dive into the psychology of repetition, the nature of intellectual humility, and how Josh's journey through religious scrupulosity and OCD diagnosis has intersected with his unique vantage point as someone who absorbs thousands of hours of other people's spiritual and psychological processing—without being able to contribute his own voice to the conversation. In the Patron-only portion, we wrestle with the deeper questions of religious belief—Josh arguing that we inevitably construct our beliefs from our experiences rather than discovering objective truth, while I explore whether there's a defensible middle path where following Jesus's teachings remains worthwhile even if I'm entirely wrong about the metaphysical claims of Christianity. ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this week’s episode of You Have Permission, I sit down with Dr. Richard B. Miller, Professor Emeritus from the University of Chicago Divinity School, to tackle his blunt question (and the title of his book): Why Study Religion?  What starts as a defense against critics like Sam Harris—who'd rather we just stick to the "straight dope" of science—quickly spirals into something much more provocative: religion as the ultimate training ground for navigating our hypermediated, pluralistic world where we're drowning in conflicting authorities and information overload. Miller argues that religious studies isn't just academic navel-gazing but a crucial skill-building exercise in what he calls "post-critical reasoning," teaching us to hold multiple worldviews in tension without falling into either fundamentalist certainty or relativistic paralysis.  We discuss why the secularization hypothesis got it wrong, how contemplative traditions across religions offer surprising resources for the ecological crisis, and why understanding the religious "wackadoodles" (my term, not his) might be the key to actually changing minds rather than just preaching to the choir.  By the end, I'm wrestling with my own biases about expanding this podcast beyond Christianity, and you'll be questioning whether your discomfort with religion says more about the world's problems or your own assumptions about how to solve them. Richard's Book | Why Religion Matters? ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Last week I hosted a live Q&A session for our Patrons—one of the perks that comes with a YHP Patreon membership (now on sale for 42% off an annual subscription with code BIRTHDAY).  We spent a good portion of the time talking about the concept of “audience capture” and this podcast in particular, and whether I've been shaped by what my listeners want to hear rather than staying true to my own interests and convictions. I admit I might be constitutionally allergic to giving people what they want and may be too resistant to audience preferences rather than captured by them—while another member suggests that my contrarian nature might itself be a form of audience capture! Other questions come up about the experience of hosting a podcast— how I handle criticism, my defensive tendency to avoid listening to podcasters who do what I want to do better than me, and the raw envy I feel when I see smaller podcasts outperforming mine. We also get into the Internal Family Systems modality of therapy, which sparked a rich discussion about this approach to understanding different "parts" of ourselves. In the Patreon-only portion, we continue the IFS discussion with input from trained therapists, discuss the challenges and benefits of having podcast listeners as therapy clients (including awkward moments when they look me up!), and field questions about work-life balance, religious traditions, and personal experiences with various therapy modalities. Thanks to all of you who came… and hope to see the rest of you soon! ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s the last week of my 42nd birthday sale! Become an Annual Member of my Patreon now for just around $4 a month.  Also, I'm now taking therapy clients in Washington State and coaching clients nationwide, specializing in religious transitions and life changes that intersect with faith journeys. More info here. In this week’s “Top of Mind” segment, I reflect on the legacy of Dr. James Dobson, a prominent figure in evangelical psychology and parenting advice; highlighting some things Dobson got right, as well as areas where his teachings have caused great harm. I discuss Dobson's influence on conservative Christian views, critique some of his psychological perspectives, and evaluate the accuracy of his claims and evaluate the accuracy of his claims regarding queer sexuality, “secular humanism” in modern psychology, and his most influential area: parenting and discipline. In today’s main interview (beginning around min 33), comedian Jeremy Alder is here to discuss his journey from fundamentalist homeschooling in Texas to stand-up comedy. Jeremy brings sharp wit and genuine theological insight as we trace his path from a prosperity gospel upbringing through youth group dropout years, then back to faith via Augustine's Confessions and Reformed University Fellowship at UT Austin.  Now, Jeremy blends Eastern Orthodox spirituality with liberation theology while creating his "Christians That Don't Suck" video series that highlights radical Christian figures fighting against what he calls "Confederate fascist Christianity."  We explore how his philosophy and religion background shaped both his comedy and his current pursuit of a degree to work with religious trauma survivors, the practical realities of changing careers in your forties with five kids, and making the leap into creative work that challenges both conservative Christians and secular audiences. Jeremy's Website | Jeremyalder.com ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My 42nd birthday sale is LIVE! Join as an Annual Member of my Patreon to get 42% off through September 1 and enjoy ad-free access to Patron-exclusive content like this! In today’s bonus episode, team member Joy Vetterlein and I tackle what might be the most commonly given piece of marriage advice at wedding receptions: "don't go to bed angry."  After seeing comedian Leanne Morgan flip this conventional wisdom on its head during a Colbert appearance, we dive into why this advice became so popular in mid-20th century America through the "infection model" of marital conflict, explore what modern neuroscience tells us about arguing while dysregulated (hint: your prefrontal cortex isn't working very well at a 7+ on the anger scale), and discover that the original biblical verse this advice comes from had absolutely nothing to do with marriage. I share my practical "rule of sevens" for knowing when to table an argument, and confess to being the type of person who will hijack wedding videographers to give counter-programming relationship advice. In the Patreon portion, Joy and I get personal about our own marriages, including her revelation about needing to give herself permission to consider divorce in order to truly choose her marriage, and we explore a 7th-century monk's surprisingly modern insights about anger as spiritual energy. ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get 42% off a YHP annual Patreon membership, while we celebrate Dan’s 42nd birthday! (Ends Sept 1st) ~Use code “BIRTHDAY”~ It’s time for another Generation Gap Culture Hour (Full Episode Special), where Dan Koch sits down with Tony Jones and Josh Gilbert to peel back some layers about self-reflection, media habits, and big financial decisions, all through their differing generational perspectives. ___________________________________________ Follow Dan on IG: www.instagram.com/dancoke/ Or Twitter: twitter.com/DanKoch Faith deconstruction resources: www.soyouredeconstructing.com/ Join the Patreon for exclusive episodes (and more) every month: patreon.com/dankoch Email about the "sliding scale" for the Patreon: youhavepermissionpodcast@gmail.com YHP Patron-only FB group: tinyurl.com/ycvbbf98 Website: www.dankochwords.com/yhp.html Join Dan's email list: www.dankochwords.com/ Artwork by sprungle.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices