Relationship Coaching School Podcast

SHOWNOTES How to work out your differences quickly [2:00] Understanding how our childhood coping mechanisms effect our relationships [5:00] An effective tool to rate your ability to handle conflict [6:00] The most essential decision to make to handle relationship issues [8:00]

Is it okay to go outside the marriage to get your sexual needs met? While this may seem like a straightforward answer, it's amazing to me how many folks ask this question who are having affairs. When is this okay and when is it not okay? Listen in for my opinions on the matter. Question: I’m finally reading Mating in Captivity and it appears that I have a successful life partnership with my husband who I love deeply and care about, but enjoy a better sexual match with another man. The other man is not gender specific in our intimacy, which I am happy with, and is very emotionally available, whereas my husband is not.  I’m feeling unhappy about the infidelity (sounds better than ‘cheating’) that the affair causes, but at the same time, don’t want it to end or my marriage to finish.  As selfish as this is, I’m ok with it.  What does it mean when we go outside the cultural confines to get our non-negotiable needs met? Are you justifying an affair with bullshit? [4:00] The definition of a successful life partnership [6:00] Learning to be our neurotic, weird, true selves in relationship [9:00] If you’re not getting your sexual needs met, here’s what to do [11:00]

Stan Tatkin returns and serves up another awesome dose of relationship advice through the lens of adult attachment. From how relationships impact your health, to helping your triggered or upset partner, to dealing with an avoidant partner, we cover a lot of ground as Stan answers 8 or so questions from you, the listener. This one is full of helpful tips to improve and enhance your connection over time. Why is the country feeling so much anxiety? [1:00] The effect that your ‘allostatic load’ has on your life [3:00] What chronic relationship stress can do to your health [5:00] How to not take things personally [8:00] Learning to ‘lead with relief’ to create a safer space for each other [12:00] A great way to handle your partner getting triggered [14:00] Why Carl Jung didn’t like taking patients under 35 [18:00] A rough guide to dealing with avoidant-types/islands [21:00] Should you force your teenager to make eye contact with you? [35:00] The power of ‘jointly attending’ with a resistant partner [37:00] ‘Parallel play’ and its hidden dangers [39:00] How to free up resources for higher development[42:00]

Question: Once someone cheats on you should you walk away completely and let go, or do you think going through something like this could strengthen a relationship and create a deeper bond? Not sure where to draw the boundaries.  When I found out about the cheating, I spent 3 hours trying to understand why. Am I being too understanding? I’d like to know what your thoughts are when it comes to getting back together with someone that cheated on you.  Any advice?  Spending $20 Billion on 'love' [3:00] What happens when it's high stakes and you're married with kids? [8:00] The surprising benefits to being cheated-on [9:00] How to re-establish trust after a boundary breach [12:00] Finding the opportunity in the crisis [14:00]  

UPDATE: CONTEST WINNERS ANNOUNCED! What can you learn from divorced people and people who are married for a decade or two? What are the main differences? There are two and we cover them in this episode with author Mark Manson. We also explore how Mark navigated a big challenge with his now wife and why self-improvement and self-awareness are so essential to long-term partnership. SHOWNOTES Contest winners announced [1:00] The fundamental issues people have in relationships [9:00] Why we need to communicate without blame [13:00] How to avoid ‘enmeshment’ and maintain a strong, independent identity [14:00] Three questions to ask to dig deeper into your emotional states [21:00] The HUGE difference between divorced people and happily married people [23:25] What do all long-term (20+ years) happily married people have in common? [24:00] One keystone value for a rock-solid, long-term marriage [27:00] What needs to be added to our schooling to prepare us for the real world [29:00] The ‘Self Awareness Onion’  [33:00] Three layers of self-awareness [34:00]

SHOWNOTES Question: I’d love to hear more about the possible distinction between standing in one’s own needs and then the problematic zone of asking or expecting a partner to change. Asking for change in certain areas seems reasonable and I use my own potential reaction to being asked to change as a measure: “Would I respond well to my partner asking me to change in this area?”But some areas seem tricky, such as Love Languages: “XYZ behaviour that is hard for you is actually what most supports me feeling loved and seen” etc.  Could you speak to this? Asking for what you need [6:00] Meeting your partner’s needs is win-win [9:00] If our primary partnership is unsafe [11:00] Knowing your partner’s needs before they ask [13:00]  

SHOWNOTES Contest announcement [5:00] How to repair a rupture [8:00] When you trigger your partner: the art of micro repairs [12:00] When ‘macro repairs’ are called for [14:00] 3 steps to the micro-repair [15:00] An example in Jayson and Ellen’s relationship [18:00] Your Action Step [26:00] CONTEST If you're not already, become a member of the Smart Couple community https://www.facebook.com/groups/749008838533400/ Record a 1 minute video on your phone. Do not go over 1 minute. For the video, include your name, where you’re from, and one practical tool or tip you learned from this podcast that helped you in your relationship life Post it in the smart couple group.  PRIZES 1st Prize. Indestructible partnerships course (30 days long) 2nd Prize. 30 minute laser coaching session with Jayson 3rd Prize. 2 free months in the Relationship School Roots Community DEADLINE: You’ll have until Saturday February 25th at Midnight Mountain Time   Winners will be announced March 1st  

Question: We’ve been together 3 months and I’ve been on a path  of self development for many years.  My new partner is very new to inner work and has not prioritized that. He’s open and he’s curious but he’s new to it all.  There’s a lot of fear there for me because I’m worries as we get to know each other his lack of self awareness and self understanding might create blocks.  I’ve let him know this but I’m not sure whether I should just walk away now and try find somebody who I feel can meet me as an equal, or just accept him as he is. What is the healthiest thing to do in this situation? Finding reasons why our partner ‘isn’t enough’. [2:00] Why it’s hard if one partner doesn’t want to grow in the relationship [4:00] If your partner is interested but slower [8:00] Question: Is it a good idea to tell a prospective partner your non-negotiable about personal development right off the bat? Laying your values on the table [12:00] We all are directing our ‘growth and development’ energy somewhere [14:00] It’s about priorities, not time. [16:00]

Do you ever use sex to avoid closeness? Do you know what happens when a man who is called the Erotic Rockstar hits a wall and falls apart? In this intimate episode, we explore these questions and hear a man's vulnerable and raw answers. You'd be surprised at some of what he has to share. There are some nuggets in this very edgy episode. From politics to porn, we cover a lot of ground. Listen to my guest Destin Gerek share his very personal story of overcoming his ego, feeling his emotions and heart, and then sharing what he's learned (and learning) with other men. SHOWNOTES The most important role men can take to help women flourish [26:00] Why women are usually more emotionally accessible than men [31:00] Getting support from other men [33:00] Knowing when the answer is to ‘leave’ [35:00] How to speak so he’ll listen (and hear your hurt) [38:00] The dangers of ‘programming’ yourself with porn [40:00] Noticing the positive and negative effects of porn use [43:00] Why you should remove the word ‘performance’ from your vocabulary [46:00] For men: how to immediately get more present during sex [48:00]  

If one of you wants marriage and the other doesn't, there will be problems. You both need to get crystal clear and determine how "negotiable" this is. Listen to the podcast for more detailed info on what you can do about this common dilemma SHOWNOTES What if your partner won’t work on it with you? [1:00] Question 1: My boyfriend and I have been dating 2+ years and have been unable to move forward and feel secure in our relationship because I believe in marriage and he does not.  That said, he does believe in committed monogamous partnership, just not the ‘institution’.I love and want to be with him, but it feels like we’ll forever be in this eternal impasse.  Any suggestions on how to get over this hurdle, or is it simply time to move on? The institution of marriage [3:00] What are you really scared of? [6:00] Question 2: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. We both have lost a spouse and have 5 kids between us.  A year ago we got engaged and were living together for 5 months.  He became overwhelmed with the demands of a large, blended family and left taking his two children with him. After therapy and 9 painful months of hurting one another, we’re giving it an earnest try and restarting the relationship. What is lacking for me is commitment. We are no longer engaged and have no plans to live together.I took one of your courses and understand my part - I understand that the relationship has to meet my needs or I need to leave. He’s not willing to commit to me through marriage and will only live in two houses as the blended family is too hard of a situation with him.Is it true that the only way this relationship can survive is if he moves forward towards meeting my needs of commitment and living together at least part of the time? Your ‘Non-Negotiable Needs’ [9:00] Your Action Step [12:00]