Relationship Alive!

Today I’d like to have a conversation about a topic that’s a little dicey for some of us. Do you or your partner use pornography? What place, if any, does it have in your relationship? Is it helpful? Is it creating conflict? Is it possible that it’s having an influence on your relationship and you don’t even know about it? Today my guest is Gary Wilson, from YourBrainonPorn.com, and author of the book “Your Brain on Porn”.   Rather than talking about whether or not porn is good, bad, or healthy - we’re going to talk about the effects of porn use on your brain - what can happen when you or your partner uses porn - and what can shift when you remove porn from your life. We’re also going to cover how to know if porn is having a secret impact on your relationship, how to have compassion for those who are affected by it, and how to get it out of your life.  As for me, I’m curious - not so much about the rightness or wrongness of it - but about what porn does to you and your biochemistry. Is it helping you? Or not? And once you learn about what it does, you might be inclined to find a way to remove it once and for all.   We all know that porn has become pervasive and woven its way into our culture, primarily by way of the internet.  The use of porn tends to have negative effects on individuals - and, by extension, their relationships, and Gary is here to discuss exactly what is happening with your body’s chemistry as opposed to approaching the subject from a religious or moral perspective. Highlights of my conversation with Gary Wilson: Gary never set out to become an expert in this field.  Several years ago, men started posting on his wife’s website forum (which was about relationships) about their porn addictions and the problems that were occurring as a result.  Many of the men experienced sexual dysfunction, but they noticed that when they gave up the porn that they had better sexual function, better relationships, and better emotional health. Gary was resistant and did not want to address the subject because of the ramifications and the stigma attached to it, but he felt compelled to write articles and get the word out.  He then realized the magnitude of the problem of pornography because of the widespread interest in his articles and the website he created in 2010.  Even though almost all of the recovery stories are from men, many women are affected by porn either directly or indirectly, through problems with their partners’ addictions. Gary’s work addresses porn from the perspective of the biochemical effect in the brain.  The reward circuit of the brain runs on dopamine and is most highly activated by the things that ensure the survival of you and your genes.  Food, sex, achievement, taking risks, and novelty are just a few of the things that make dopamine levels rise and say, “Do that again!” So what is it about internet porn that makes it so addictive? Internet porn is “the perfect storm” that raises dopamine and hits us in our primitive reward center. It combines novelty and sex in a way that is almost irresistible to your brain. The curiosity, shock, surprise, and searching qualities of internet porn all work to raise dopamine levels in the brain - tapping into an innate circuitry that was already there to be exploited. Internet porn is a “supernormal stimulus” that appeals to us far more than normal stimuli. Think of junk foods vs. the whole foods that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle consumes. The added salt and sugar in junk food stimulates the reward center and tells us to over-consume.  In the same way, the unnatural sexual stimuli provided by internet porn make its users easily addicted and captivated by it. Porn addiction results in the same kinds of changes in the brain that occur in drug addiction.  There are several reputable studies that prove this.  The changes are all due to high levels of dopamine over long periods of time and include less gray matter in the reward center, less sexual arousal, and changes in the frontal cortex. THAT’S RIGHT - YOUR BRAIN ACTUALLY SHRINKS FROM PORN USE. Porn users can also notice depression, increased anxiety (especially in social situations), and fuzzy, muddled thinking. What can you do if internet porn is in your relationship?  Can you help your partner? First, remember that porn has almost nothing to do with you, the partner. The user sees internet porn use as normal and part of everyday life.  A real person can never match the novelty of internet porn, but a real partner can provide love, caring, and touch that a screen cannot. If the partner unplugs, then over time, they will become more sensitive to real interaction and relationship.  Create a culture of openness in your relationship. If you can not take the problem of a partner’s porn use personally, it can be freeing for the addicted partner to talk openly about the problem. Gary Wilson has videos available on his website to clearly explain those biochemical changes that take place in the brain due to pornography and depersonalize the issue. Internet porn addiction may be present in your relationship and you may not be aware of it. What are signs you might notice if this is going on? You may notice that your partner is distracted, not available for sex, or asking you to do things in bed that depart radically from what you normally do. You might have trouble connecting to your partner, or feeling their presence in the bedroom. Many users will “hit the wall” and experience extreme sexual dysfunction.   What is the cycle that someone who uses porn is going through? They become so accustomed to the sexual stimuli that they need more shock and surprise to even become aroused. Everything you do trains your brain, so internet porn trains you to be rewired sexually to be fulfilled only through the internet porn and not the real-life partner.  What will happen when porn use ends? The good news is that users who eliminate internet porn find real-life sex and their partner more appealing. However, they might have to give up the internet porn to find out exactly what problems were caused by its use! Positive psychological, neurological, and physical changes occur over time when internet porn is removed. Generally you will find yourself more tuned into what’s actually happening around you in real life, and connected to your partner. Internet porn use can change how you view sexuality and what excites you.  Users become desensitized, which means that they need more and more stimulation to get the same “buzz.”  If you spend years watching straight porn, then you might have to resort to other, more shocking and kinkier versions of porn to be stimulated and turned on. However, it’s important to realize that the type of porn doesn’t always match with the person’s sexuality but has to do with the neuroplastic changes that are occurring in the brain. Try a reboot.  Stop using internet porn for at least 3 weeks - ideally for 90 days. See what changes! If you have severe dysfunction caused by porn use, you might have to go for longer to see major shifts. What strategies can be used to shift your focus and recover from internet porn addiction?  First of all, you have to be motivated to quit. You must replace the porn with other activities like exercise, socializing, meditation, hobbies, reading---things that take you away from the computer. COLD SHOWERS - It’s been proven that taking cold showers can help with shifting away from the porn habit. At the end of a “normal” (hot) shower, you can turn the water on FULL cold - breathe rapidly, and rub your body in the places where the cold water is making contact. Shift so that the water contacts all parts of your body. Can you go for 10 seconds? 30 seconds? 2 minutes? Fringe benefit is that you’ll feel invigorated and the air outside the shower will seem toasty warm. :) Get support - Coaching is great - as is support from peers who are also stopping porn - or who can hold you accountable if that’s necessary. Create a vision for your life - Does it include the use of pornography? What can our society do to transform our consciousness about internet porn? This problem may get a lot worse before it gets better.  Erectile dysfunction rates are on the rise:  27-33% of men under 40 report ED.  There will be more exposure and more availability to our young children. Sex Education is NOT the answer unless it includes education about the brain changes in the delicate reward center in the brain and supernormal stimuli.  When the adolescent brain meets supernormal stimuli, this changes sexuality even before teenagers begin to date each other.  It’s a recipe for disaster! If porn has been affecting you in your relationship, I am so curious to hear from you - especially if you try the reboot. What changes do you notice? Links and Resources: www.yourbrainonporn.com Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/garyw  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Your Brain on Porn”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!  

Does it seem that love comes and then goes away? Do you have the experience of being deeply in love with your partner one moment, and then the next moment feeling separate, or distant, or even carried away in a cloud of emotion? Well, we’re about to change all of that. Today we have part two of our conversation with Diana Richardson. In particular, we are going to focus on how to always “get back to love” in your relationship - a topic in all of her books - and the focus of her book “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”. If you heard part one (which was episode number two of Relationship Alive, and focused on her approach to tantra), then you know that she is one of the leading sex educators in the world. For more than 20 years she has been teaching about slow sex - a kind of cool sex that will completely transform how you experience yourself, and your partner, as a sexual and sensual being. She has written more than 6 books on Tantra, is the producer of the award-winning movie “Slow Sex”, and people travel from all around the world to take the Making Love seminars that she teaches with her partner Michael in Switzerland. You can check out her website, livinglove.com. Be prepared to learn a new way to experience your emotions, and a practical guide to always get back to love with your partner (and within yourself). Diana reveals that this material, her work, was born out of her own journey and experiences.  She never expected or intended to write books and teach people, but obtained a completely new picture of sex through her lifetime with new insights and understandings.  The principles she shares developed organically, through awareness and observation. Her desire is to help others discover how their bodies are designed to connect in certain ways and clear up much of the misunderstanding surrounding sex in our world today.  “If one trusts the body and goes in with an inquiring, adventurous spirit, then all the answers will come to you.” My conversation with Diana focuses on the following aspects of sex and relationships:   Flashing back to Part 1 of our conversation, Diana reiterates that when sexual energy is focused solely on the achievement or orgasm, then we miss the deeper levels of connection and awareness.  Focusing on orgasm is pleasurable, but superficial.  “There is a lot that can be engaged in and enjoyed while orgasm is hours down the road.”   “Cool sex” or “slow sex” is a different way of having sex in which you are present and aware of your energy and your partner’s energy.  This kind of sex can be a vehicle for healing whereas the sensational style of sex leaves us with tension and brings isolation and separation from our partner Diana explains the difference between feelings and emotions.  Feeling relates to what is happening NOW while emotion relates to something that happened in THE PAST.  Feelings stay in the system and become emotions. Therefore, emotions are basically unexpressed feelings.   Why do we need to know the difference between feelings and emotions?  Fights between couples are often the result of something not happening in the present but the past.  Unexpressed feelings go sour in the system, lead to immediate disconnection, and become toxic—pure poison.  This toxicity often makes us want to seek revenge, and we spread the toxins around in our environment rather than deal with the underlying emotions. How can we deal with emotions as they occur?  Identify when you are emotional and then sort the emotions out separately.  Learn to allow the feelings when they are present; don’t push them down and repress them.  Emotions are an aspect of the past being triggered in the present by a word, a deed, or a resonance in your partner’s voice. Being emotional is not wrong, but not knowing when we’re emotional is wrong.  We often access old tension in a state of fear when what we long for most is really love.  We blame each other and are not able to look each other in the eyes.  We say, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” or “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” All of these reactions spring from some kind of fear and allow the past to impact and destroy the present. What are steps you can take to handle emotion properly? Notice your emotions. Admit your emotions.  “I am being emotional.” Depart from your partner’s company, politely, and do something physical with your body to expend the emotional energy. The danger in not separating for a short time is that the other partner will be tempted to become emotional, too. Diana shares two “Golden Rules” from her book: Never tell your partner that they are emotional. Never put your anger on your partner.  Let it flow through, but don’t repress it or it will become a toxic emotion. What can I do if my partner becomes emotional?  Don’t join in.  Understand that their emotion is coming from a past feeling.  Abandonment is one of the oldest and most common wounds from childhood.  It is easily triggered, so be aware that many emotions have their roots in some type of fear of abandonment.  Don’t engage with your partner’s emotion, but be present and supportive.  Make an attempt to come across with love as a way to shed light on the darkness they are feeling.  In fear, we contract, doubt, and feel lonely.  In love, we expand, trust, and feel connected.  Be generous with love and seek to cultivate it in your relationship.  AWARENESS is the key and has transforming power.  It’s not WHAT we do, but HOW we do it. What can you do to cultivate the quality of love?  Simply move through life with more awareness.  Look for ways to soften tension and breathe.  Appreciate yourself and the beauty of life, and practice self-love.  Look for optimism and grace in the way you breathe, walk, and talk How do I start having sex with this new awareness?  Be more aware and don’t build up the sensations.  Prolong the whole thing and become more present.  Sex can become much more fulfilling and a more loving, conscious act.  More harmony and love are created in the relationship when this new awareness and consciousness are practiced. Links and Resources: www.livinglove.com  (Diana’s website with links to her books, seminars, and retreats.) The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson Tantric Love Letters by Diana Richardson Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy by Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson www.neilsattin.com/tantra2  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

My philosophy is that relationships not only CAN be a vehicle for your own healing, but that it’s actually REQUIRED to do your work to heal from whatever is keeping you from fully showing up - in your life, in your relationship, AND in the bedroom. And just like we touched on in our conversation with Diana Richardson way back in episode two - there is tremendous potential for you, when you’re in relationship, to help your partner on that journey of healing - especially sexual healing.   Today’s guest is Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey. Her book is about how to recover from sexual trauma and deepen your capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can take on that legacy of pain and potential disconnect - and use it to build a more solid, loving, sensual, and, yes, sexual connection with your partner.    There are all kinds of things that could have an impact on your sexual development, cause some degree of trauma, and be an obstacle to true intimacy with your partner. So even if you haven’t been specifically affected by some form of assault or abuse, this conversation is for you to find opportunities for your own sexual growth and healing.   If you HAVE been affected by some form of sexual trauma - this conversation could potentially be a trigger for you. My goal through having Wendy on the program is to help you and your partner get through the triggers together, to a place where you can have deep intimacy, connection, and the kind of fulfilling sex life that is your birthright.   Wendy Maltz is an internationally-recognized author, psychotherapist, and a certified sex therapist with over 35 years’ experience.  Along with The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which is the topic of our discussion today, she also has written The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, which also factors into our discussion.  Wendy is the co-producer of Relearning Touch, a highly-acclaimed video guide for couples who are healing intimate problems caused by sexual abuse - and which is now available for FREE on her website.  Along with her husband, Larry, Wendy runs Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, OR. Here are some of the highlights from the conversation that Wendy and I share about how to develop healthy, deep intimacy with your partner as part of the sexual healing journey that you can be on together: Assault, rape, abuse, and incest affect both men and women directly and indirectly.  Statistics show that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 5-7 males are sexually abused in their lifetime.  When you include the partners of those people, you start to see that this is an issue that affects many, if not most, of us in some way. Are you yourself a survivor? If not, how many people have you been with, or known, who have been? What is sexual abuse?  Wendy defines it broadly as any action that dominates or exploits an innocent victim by sexual activity or suggestion.   When you also look back at your own sexual development, you can often find places where you experienced trauma of some form. Someone laughed at you at the wrong moment, or you experienced shame, or embarrassment, or...any number of things could be the source of sexual “trauma.” Can you identify places in your own history that might need some attention? What are some common relationship problems that can be traced back to sexual abuse?  Wendy says that reactions to abuse can include: fear of sex/withdrawal, viewing sex as an obligation, guilt or shame in touching, sexual function problems, low sex drive, painful intercourse, intrusive sexual fantasies, and dissociation during sex. It can also include hyper-sexualization - becoming overly interested in sexual activity. Realize that there is a distinction between sex and intimacy. As you expand into a broader experience of intimacy and connection with your partner, it can help put sex in a context that eases some of the pressure. This also helps to create a container of safety, which will lead to more sex, and more fulfilling sex. What feeds a relationship over time is the sensual sharing that takes place during true intimacy. What if your partner is a survivor of past abuse?  What can you do to help?  It helps if you, as the partner of a survivor, could be educated about abuse and its repercussions. It’s normal for you to feel in the dark, or isolated. If your sex life is suffering, traditional approaches for “spicing things up” can actually trigger your partner (perhaps you’ve experienced that?). Don’t look at your problem as one of needing to spark more desire - see it as a path towards building a container that’s safe enough for you to explore together. This isn’t to say that, if you’re the partner of someone who has suffered sexual trauma, that you should deny your own desires. Learning how to communicate about your desire in a way that owns it and does not make it your partner’s “problem” can lead to productive conversations about how to meet each other sexually. This might also be an opportunity for you to look back on your sexual development and think about whether what you “desire” is what you actually want! Are you looking for an enormous hit of dopamine, or are you looking for ways to build intimacy with your partner? And if it’s dopamine - while it may feel good, in the moment - is it actually serving you in terms of what you want out of your life and your partnership? Partners should be aware, be conscious, take a team approach together, create safety in sex, communicate, be present, and explore new approaches to touch and intimacy. If something isn’t working - don’t do it! Instead, shift to a mindset of working together to get through it. What if the survivor reacts negatively to sexual intimacy via triggers of past abuse?  The most important thing is for the partner not to take it personally, but focus on doing the OPPOSITE of what a perpetrator might do.  Ask how the other person feels, check in with their feelings, and have compassion and understanding. Is there hope?  Will you ever be able to experience sexuality and intimacy freely together? Absolutely. You can stop behavior that triggers negative feelings, work as a team, change behaviors, process feelings together, and make sex safe and fun.  Above all, realize that love is stronger than sexual abuse. What can a survivor do when they are being triggered to remember the abuse of the past?  The first step is to simply notice that it’s happening, stop what you’re doing, be aware of the reaction, and identify what behavior caused the reaction.  Use this as an opportunity to relax. Breathe, be calm, take a break. Talk about it with your partner if possible, and don’t condemn yourself for being triggered. Putting pressure on yourself to do it “right” is counterproductive! Get in touch with the present. How old are you now? What are you experiencing in THIS moment, with your partner (or yourself). Do what you need to do to pull yourself back into the present moment. After getting back into the present, you can re-approach intimacy. Try a different approach than what caused the trigger moment. How can you anchor each other in the present, in your experience with each other? Definitely check out Wendy Maltz’s Relearning Touch video which is now available for FREE on her website. The video teaches touch exercises that develop skills to relax, communicate, and be present in the moment.  The exercises can be done with or without clothes, and can be used as ideas from which to create your own healing with positive displays of fun and playfulness. These exercises are also detailed in her book The Sexual Healing Journey.   The exercises create a continuum of touch to move slowly toward more sexual activities as they are sequential in intensity, and will lead to completely different associations with sex and sensual contact.  One idea that can be helpful is to agree with your partner to an initial “vacation” - meaning a period of time when you agree that you will NOT be having sex. Having a vacation actually allows you to explore other ways of being intimate and connected with each other (it’s not a connection vacation!) - without having any pressure around having sex. Once the pressure is off, you can discover more subtleties about how to develop your intimate connection with each other. Another helpful technique is to each find a “home base” on your partner’s body, a place that you can touch that can help you feel safe and comforted when triggers bring up past abuse, or when your partner is triggered and you want to communicate your safe presence to them. Visiting the home base on your partner’s body is a way to let them know that you’re going through something and that you need reassurance, safety, and connection from them - allowing you to be in an uncomfortable place without breaking your connection completely during those moments.    On pornography: Pornography that is readily available to children (via the internet) interferes with their normal sexual development.  Children should be allowed to “unfold” their sexuality in a way that corresponds to their maturity level, and many are denied that opportunity because of graphic pornography. Many adults and children are having their view of sexuality potentially formed by their interactions with pornography, versus developing from being present in real-life interactions with partners over time. What is considered a “healthy” exploration of sexuality as children mature?  Boys and girls are naturally curious but should be ready and in control of their sexuality.  They should also be mature enough to know the consequences of their sexual choices.   What is the impact of pornography on relationships?  Many people consider it harmless entertainment, but the repercussions are great.  Porn shows people being used as objects, shows sex as a form of power, and often displays a total lack of intimacy.  Also, about 20% of internet porn involves child sexual abuse - or the simulation of underage sex.  Often, porn is the first exposure young people have with their sexuality, and therefore, they don’t learn the needed relationship skills of self-control, intimacy, and rich connection with a partner.  Porn is like fast food that dulls our appetite for better, creative, healthy food, and can potentially be an obstacle to the enjoyment of a rich, satisfying, nurturing, sexual relationship based on love. It can focus our sexual drive on chasing bigger and bigger hits of dopamine, instead of fostering deeper and deeper intimacy. Those are different mechanisms in the brain, and those choices also have different impacts on a relationship.   Wendy concludes by saying, “Those negatives about being sexually abused don’t have to be the last word on sex for us.  We CAN reclaim sexuality.” Links and Resources: www.healthysex.com  (Wendy’s website with links to resources) The Sexual Healing Journey on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/wendy  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Sexual Healing Journey”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook   Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

For this episode, we’re going to focus on something extremely simple and practical -  the importance of questions. How well do you know your partner? If you say you know them well, are you sure that you’re not actually making assumptions about them? And how do you cultivate your curiosity in a way that keeps your relationship fresh, instead of stuck in the same old patterns?  My guest today is Susan Piver, NY Times bestselling author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.  This book came out of the personal experience of talking to her boyfriend (now her husband) about getting married.  She contemplated the commitment:  How do I make the commitment?  How can I honor the commitment?  She proceeded to the bookstore to find help but found NOTHING on the subject. The idea for her book was born. Susan realized that most failed relationships didn’t fail for lack of love, but for lack of ability to build a life together that both partners loved. The questions that she poses in her book are based around helping a couple get to know each other (and themselves) in various areas of life. The questions themselves are not complicated - they’re quite simple, in fact! What makes them the “Hard” questions is that answering them will require you to get really clear about who you are, and who your partner is. Susan discusses the following topics from her book: The 100 Essential Questions are pragmatic and limited to the important things that some people argue about in real life—the places of potential disconnect. She finds that it’s best to not worry so much about hypothetical questions like “what would you do if you were on Mars and only had a plunger and a rowboat?” - but to focus more on simple questions like “If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?” - deceptively simple, right? Susan’s questions are basic and without philosophy.  More examples include: Do we eat meals together?  If so, which ones?  What if one of us is attracted to someone else, either superficially or deeply?  The purpose of these questions is to help you reflect on your experience and your partner’s experience. They can prevent entering into a committed relationship based on those assumptions that we are tempted to make. Don’t make assumptions! Tackle the hard questions! As you address the questions, you do not have to have the same answers as your partner. You may disagree about some answers or not know how to answer in some cases. Your goal is to answer as honestly as possible. Or, if your partner is answering, can you listen as openly as possible? Can you put aside your own judgments? If your partner’s answer is leading you to experience certain emotions, can you notice them and set them aside, for the moment? Focus on really trying to GET your partner. First of all, do you even understand what they’re saying? Reflect back to them the answer that you’re hearing to see if they confirm that you are hearing them accurately. You could then see if you can come to understand WHY they are answering in that particular way. Some questions are considered “deal-breakers” and could cause the relationship to end.  Do you want to have children?  What religion, if any, do you practice?  Where would you like to live? Identify for yourself which questions represent deal-breakers, and which ones simply represent a place where you may have a conversation that evolves over time. Be careful of issuing ultimatums because there is nowhere left for that conversation to go.  Remember, even “unsolvable” problems can be worked out over time with understanding and development.  Susan shares great personal examples from her own experience and how she and her husband handled those issues. There is a contrast to “being in love” and “acting lovingly.”  From Susan’s perspective, you can’t commit to loving someone always because love is an emotion that is changeable.  You CAN commit fully, completely, and honestly to acting lovingly toward that person.  That means being open, caring, and willing to share with that person.  You can accomplish those acts of love even when you don’t feel “in love.” Acting “as if” will actually help you nurture feelings of loving and cherishing your partner even in those moments when you don’t feel “in love.” Susan speaks of the contrast between Projecting and Hearing, especially regarding answering the hard questions.  When projecting occurs, the result will probably be a fight.  The less you critique and try to change your partner, the better off you will be, and you will hear them better.  Be honest about your fears and uncertainties.  Own your discomfort about certain issues. A good practice when your partner’s answer triggers you is to get clarity by saying something like “I’m telling myself a story that you are saying such-and-such, and I’m making that mean such-and-such. Is that true?” What’s great about that language is that it helps you see that you are ALWAYS telling yourself a story about how you’re experiencing the world - stating it explicitly helps you take responsibility for your story. And asking this question allows your partner to help you discover what’s true about your story, and what isn’t. Susan is a Buddhist and meditation teacher.  She teaches mindfulness and awareness as part of the meditation process.  She finds those qualities essential in her relationship, allowing her to own what she feels and separate her projections from who her husband actually is.  You can take part in her Open Heart project in which she teaches meditation online.  Those who sign up receive a free weekly video meditation.  A benefit of these meditations is that they will give you the ability to weather discomfort without trying to run from it. The questions in Susan’s book cover many areas, including home, money, work, sex, health, food, and family. She wishes she had included questions about stepfamilies, alcohol/drug use, and other addictive behaviors. What questions would you add to the list? Please let us know if there are other essential questions (we can discuss them in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook)   Links and Resources: www.susanpiver.com  (Susan’s website, including information on teaching, live events, and workshops.) The Hard Questions on Amazon www.susanpiver.com/newsletter-signup   (Sign up here for Susan’s newsletter, blog posts, and weekly video meditations.) www.neilsattin.com/susan  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Hard Questions”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of these bluegrass rising stars: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Are you looking for ways to breathe new life into your relationship? In today’s episode, we’re exploring the power of integrity to heal problems and generate passion in your connection with your partner. What does it mean to be honest? What are you actually committed to in your relationship? How do you turn a major problem - for instance, infidelity - into a catalyst for growth and even deeper intimacy? My guest today is Katie Hendricks, co-author of the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. Having worked with thousands of couples with her partner, Gay Hendricks, Katie is experienced in helping you make the shift towards a relationship in which you and your partner are bringing out the best in each other. There are some tough topics in this episode - and our goal is to show you how to easefully and gracefully challenge your assumptions about what’s possible for your relationship.  Be sure to check out the episode! Katie discusses the following topics: Conscious Loving means to be awake and engaged, with a free choice to communicate clearly and authentically about feelings.  How do you bring out the best in your partner? Do you want your partner to be their biggest and brightest self in the world? Where does that idea create fear in you, and is it getting in the way of your being able to encourage your partner? Along those lines, how are you choosing yourself as well? Are you allowing yourself to get smaller in your relationship? Are there different choices that would be more aligned with what you want to create for yourself in the world? How would you know if you are experiencing “Conscious Loving”? Are you repeating destructive patterns in relationship, perhaps that you saw modeled by your parents or other adults (this could be from the media and entertainment, as well as within your actual experience)? Are you caught in any of these “traps” of unconscious loving?  Seeing a limited possibility for a relationship, having the viewpoint that relationships are hard work and require compromise, letting your partner get away with destructive patterns? Is your partner letting YOU get away with destructive patterns? A starting point for overcoming the traps is to come back to a place of caring and respect, for yourself and for your partner. Can you challenge these negative assumptions and patterns? How would you act if you were coming from that place of caring and respect? The Responsibility Principle is one that is often misunderstood.  People generally confuse responsibility with blame and burden. Responsibility is being able to claim your creativity, and instead of blaming, you get curious and creative. Are you able to respond to what’s happening? Are you responding from a place of being curious, or are you reacting out of fear or anger? What about a relationship that has gone through infidelity? Part of being honest in this situation is learning to communicate about the pain and being in the experience of what that means in the present. Learn to listen, and both people should take responsibility for what created and led up to that event. It is time to re-examine your commitment - what are you committed to? What are the micro-commitments that you’re making to each other? Can you say goodbye to the old incarnation of your relationship, and re-commit to the new incarnation? In spite of the infidelity, the relationship can be even stronger, and commitment takes on a new meaning.   In particular, both partners must commit to revealing instead of concealing. Look at all the times when you are tempted to not be truthful in your life. Can you be truthful in a way that is gentle for your partner, and for yourself? Whenever you are tempted to “conceal” - recommit to the path of revealing - revealing who you actually are. It’s the committing and recommitting that gets you toward your goals in the relationship.   In Katie’s seminars, she teaches people to recognize the body sensations of feelings not being expressed and teaches them to open up. Can you tune in to what’s happening in your body when you start to conceal something? What’s the deeper feeling within you? Could you express that? Even a simple statement like “I’m feeling…” could free you from that pattern! Notice how much more energy becomes available for your relationship when you commit to speaking the truth about your experience in those moments! The point isn’t to be perfect - it’s a process that we repeat over and over again; however, following the path of Conscious Loving can help you experience more intimacy and fun along the way, even if you aren’t yet highly skilled at it. If fear is getting in the way, how does it shift if you see your partner as your ally? When you practice conscious loving, you will generate more energy to create with your partner because you’re spending less and less time with power struggles, conflict, and keeping score----all those old “games” that destroy relationships. Katie explains the “upper limit” problem in regards to your capacity to expand into giving and receiving love and positive energy each day. Can you honor your body’s need for rest and integration when things are getting better and better? If you don’t allow for that integration time, you may unconsciously create “problems” to give yourself that time. A common relationship problem is criticism and blame--#1 relationship killers!  That criticism can be verbal or non-verbal, but it should be replaced with a commitment to appreciate your partner. Note that criticizing YOURSELF is just as toxic to your relationship! Focusing on appreciation is the ONE thing you can do in your relationship to effect change today.  Strive for a 5:1 ratio of words of appreciation to words of criticism.   Katie has a sequel to her book coming out in October 2015: Conscious Loving Ever After:  How to Create Thriving Relationships From Midlife and Beyond.  I hope to have her return to the show soon to tell us more!     Links and Resources: www.foundationforconsciousliving.com  (Katie’s website with guidelines, tips, videos, and more!) www.hendricks.com   (Katie’s website with integrity skills, tips, and videos.) www.neilsattin.com/hendricks  is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Conscious Loving”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Are you curious about ways to build intimacy that aren’t about sex or being sexual? Have you had hints of feeling a deep connection with your partner, and are you interested to know how you might be able to deepen that connection even further? My guest today is Patricia Albere of the Evolutionary Collective, an internationally-known organization devoted to mutual awakening between individuals, and the development of a shared consciousness that transcends our individual (separate) consciousnesses. With over 40 years of experience working with individuals on their growth and personal development, Patricia branched out to explore how individuals could connect more deeply with others. Today we discuss her work in the context of romantic partnership, although the exercises that you will be learning could be applied with anyone - not just your significant other. In today’s society, especially with so many of us focused on our personal growth, there’s a danger of our becoming TOO individuated - separated from each other like islands of highly developed people. However, once you get to that point, you have an opportunity to connect with others on a profoundly deep level, by “waking up the space between you” and creating shared consciousness. In relationships, we’ve had a goal of creating an unconditional, accepting love. However, Patricia calls upon us to love in a way that also demands - where we demand that our partner show up fully, where we call them forth to be their biggest and brightest selves. One of Patricia’s practices is to align yourself so that she space opens up between you and your partner.  It’s one of her Eight Principles and is called “mutual engagement” - being a total yes to the emerging experience that you’re having with someone in the moment. The basic practice consists of 30 minutes: For the first 10 minutes, one person is the questioner, who asks “What are you experiencing right now?” The other person responds with what they’re experiencing right then, in that moment - if possible tuning in not to stories about what’s happening, but naming the aspects of experience that are occurring right there in that moment. If they get stuck, the questioner asks again, simply “What are you experiencing right now?” After asking the question, the job of the questioner is to “place their consciousness inside their partner”. This is the kind of thing that will make more sense as you try it - like a nascent ability that you may not have even known that you have, but that will evolve and develop as you put it into practice. As the other person says what they’re experiencing right now, can you get into their experience? After 10 minutes of this, switch roles. After another 10 minutes, you enter a “popcorn” round where you each are tuning into what you’re experiencing - at any moment each of you can speak to “we are experiencing…” After that - take a moment to feel through where you’re at! This shared consciousness can happen with people who aren’t lovers and even with pets! You do need a willing partner to conduct the experiment. The practice can be a “big step beyond” the normal relationship and lead to a deepened, ever-expanding intimacy. You and your partner can take on greater responsibility and intimacy as difficulties and traumas arise in life—all because you share consciousness. If you have a strong foundation, for instance, you can try this technique when you are confronting a problem area in your relationship. If you have a problem, see if you can really get inside the experience that your partner is having. What light and understanding does the shared consciousness bring to the situation? Patricia speaks about “loving the truth.”  You have to be a “yes” to what IS. Once you are a “yes” to the truth of your experience, there is an enormous dynamic energy available to you in your life. However, the moment you become inauthentic in your relationship, that’s the moment that you’re no longer in relationship. At that point, you have made the decision to stay separate and not let the other person into your consciousness.  Hard to share consciousness when you have secrets that you’re hiding away - since you might not want to let someone in under those circumstances! Links and Resources: www.evolutionarycollective.com   (Patricia’s website) www.mutual-awakening.com  (a free 77-page ebook available!) Free Mutual Awakening Calls with Patricia Albere Patricia has online courses, holds virtual retreats every three months, does 3-day intensive orientations for mutual awakening, and hosts a year-long program that starts every January.  Visit her website for details! www.neilsattin.com/patricia is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win Patricia Albere’s Mutual Trust course - a $197 value! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook   Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Odds are that the way that you’re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term. My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.  Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship. Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney.  She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship. Here are some of the details of our conversation: When you have an orgasm, your brain gets the biggest natural blast of neurochemicals possible without drugs. The “ripple effects” of how this blast changes your internal biochemistry can continue for up to two weeks and affect how we view our partner and the world around us. Some of the ripples you might experience are: mood swings, depression, anger, irritability, mental fogginess, boredom, and fatigue While western society has become very orgasm-focused, other cultures have had teachings (many of them ancient) that advocate abstaining from too much sexual climax because of weakened energy. Now science can actually back up this advice. It makes sense in terms of evolution and fostering diversity why you would want to grow tired of one partner and seek out another. However, since we humans are in the rare 3-5% of mammals that pair bond, we have two competing bio-mechanisms at work. If you stick with orgasm-centered sex, then you are going down the road of habituation to your partner. On the other hand, if you practice sex that is non-orgasmic, you activate the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time. When you are focused on bonding activities, you actually become increasingly satisfied in your relationship - and take yourself off the path that would otherwise have potentially led to your dissatisfaction. Bear in mind that there is a difference for new lovers, who are in the “honeymoon neurochemistry” phase for the first two years of a relationship. During this phase you won’t be as susceptible to the same pattern of habituation - but by the time you reach two years you are in danger of rapidly shifting into an orgasm-driven downward spiral. Marnia encourages gentle lovemaking and intercourse without being goal-driven and orgasm-seeking. She also teaches attachment cues or “bonding behaviors” that should be part of each couple’s daily relationship.  If you download this show guide you will ALSO get a link to her FREE GUIDE on bonding behaviors that will foster oxytocin production in you and your partner. This kind of sex brings more attention to each partner’s needs, a stronger connection, more tenderness, lingering contentment, better communication, reduced anxiety, more energy, more understanding, and more balance in life. This kind of sex is also sustainable over the long term. If you’re in a more dopamine (and orgasmic) centered cycle, you will potentially have to always be focused on new ways to create more dopamine. Why go down that rabbit hole when your body already has a mechanism perfectly designed to keep you sexually satisfied and in harmony with your partner over the long term? Are you intrigued?  I promise that you will learn things you have probably never heard before from Marnia’s practical explanation of these techniques.  Give them a try, and please let us know your results! Links and Resources: www.reuniting.info   - Marnia’s website Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on Amazon Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide AND Marnia’s Free Guide to Bonding Behaviors. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” by Marnia Robinson. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook   www.neilsattin.com/cupid   (Marnia’s episode page on my website)   Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

My guest today is Terry Real, and we’re going to cover some advanced strategies for thriving in your relationship. Whether it’s how to recover from a grievous wrong, how to keep your relationship healthy, or how an unconventional way to take a relationship from good to great - there’s lots to discover in this conversation! Terry is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and he has appeared on Good Morning America, Oprah, ABC News, and 20/20. In private practice for over 25 years , his most recent book is The New Rules of Marriage: What you Need to Know to Make Love Work.  He is here to discuss his newest book and tell us practical ways to make our marriages and relationships exceptional. Terry sets the stage by sharing how relationships today are different than they have been historically.  People today have much higher expectations of what their relationship will be in their lives. The problem is that most people haven’t mastered the sophisticated set of skills needed to maintain the kind of relationship that they want. The purpose of his book (and this episode) is to give you the skills that you need. Terry discusses the following details about relationships: The phases of Harmony, Disillusionment, and Acceptance/Repair. What stage are you in now? The cycles are ever-repeating - which should give you hope if you happen to be in a state of disillusionment at the moment. If that’s the case, what would it take to move your relationship towards Repair? Cherishing. While it sounds simple (and is simple in many ways), Terry actually devoted an entire chapter to it in his book. Are you focused on appreciating your partner’s good qualities? How do you let them know? Terry discusses the losing relationship strategies of harshness and self-righteous indignation. “Harshness has no redeeming value of any kind.  There is nothing that harshness accomplishes that loving firmness doesn’t accomplish better.” He refers to his “Winning Strategies,” including shifting from a negative past-focus to a positive future-focus.  He also explains his “Golden Rule.” Terry has a 3-step action plan for a spouse to follow if their partner isn’t ready or willing to change the relationship. Dare to rock the boat. “Listen - this is really important to me!” Once you have their attention, help them WIN. Tell your partner what you need in order to make the situation better. Then, make it worth their while! Give positive feedback. Celebrate steps in the right direction, even if it’s not fully what you want it to be. Put an end to the Cinderella Syndrome! It’s ok to ask for what you want.   We each have a Core Negative Image of our partner - it is how we imagine them to be when they are at their WORST. It is an exaggeration, not even an accurate description of them at their worst - but there are bits of reality in them. Anything that you do that reinforces your partner’s Core Negative Image of you has the potential to create problems in your relationship. Anything you can do that’s the OPPOSITE of that will create enormous growth in your relationship. Because we get together with our “unfinished business” - our relationships have enormous Healing Potential. The gift of our relationships is what we do, how we heal, when we encounter these problems that are echoes of the past and resolve them. If you have a strong relationship, you can use the Dead Stop. In a dead stop, if you see your partner starting to act like your Core Negative Image of them, you let them know (using a keyword, such as “pineapple” is helpful) - and they stop everything, and without being defensive, apologize! Acknowledge what they’re seeing. And use it as an opportunity to release your need to be right, and instead to build connection with your partner. Terry gives advice about recovering from a grievous wrong in a relationship, such as infidelity or other marriage disasters. First, the person who committed the wrong needs to be accountable for their actions. Next, address the hurt partner. Recognize that they are fundamentally disoriented - help them make sense of what happened. Dealing with their trauma. Then, re-establish trust. The past needs needs to be seen as the past. A demarcation ritual acknowledging the new, transformed relationship can be amazing. The crisis has the ability to transform us if we rise to the occasion. It can also be helpful to get outside help in these situations. FYI - Terry teaches live workshops all over the United States for couples and singles. An amazing experience to take your relationship to the next level. Use the relationship grid in order to diagnose where you are in terms of your boundaries and self-esteem - where do you need to improve? “True intimacy is not the absence of tension, but the management of tension and using tension to grow.” Links and Resources: The New Rules of Marriage on Amazon Please visit Terry’s website, www.terryreal.com  for all kinds of free information about his work AND a free intimacy test to see where you are and where you need to grow. The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook  This guide and episode are also available at www.neilsattin.com/terry Text "PASSION" to 33444 to download a pdf of the show guide (and be entered for a free giveaway of a signed copy of Calling in the One within the first week of this show's airing)   AMAZING intro and outtro music graciously provided courtesy of The Railsplitters - Check them out HERE

Welcome!  My guest today is Katherine Woodward Thomas, who is the author of the national bestseller Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, and Conscious Uncoupling (in stores 9/22/2015).  She is also a licensed psychotherapist and a highly acclaimed transformative educator who has worked with thousands of people around issues of love and relationship. Katherine also created the online Conscious Uncoupling course to help people deal with relationship breakups and I have personally experienced this program and its benefits. It was my work and personal transformation with this course that led me to Katherine and inviting her to be a guest on Relationship Alive. While as always it can be challenging to summarize everything here in our show guide, here are some of the salient points from our conversation: We are responsible for our own lives. How you do (or don't) take responsibility for your life is THE determining factor in your ability to have an amazing relationship. We often have unconscious barriers in place that can keep us from becoming magnetic to the right person, or from having an amazing relationship even if you are lucky enough to find yourself with a great partner. We are on the cutting edge of what's possible in relationships. Prior generations didn't have to solve the same problems that we did, and they had completely different expectations of what it meant to be in a committed relationship with a partner. We all carry around wounds from our childhood - and those wounds can impact us in the present, triggering emotions or preventing us from fully stepping into the moment. Where in your life are those wounds having an impact on you? Can you stop accepting that impact as inevitable - or as somehow tied to your partner - and instead take it on as something within YOU that can be addressed and healed? That inner growth allows us to self-validate and become comfortable in our own skin, regardless of the past. Are you focused in your relationship on controlling so as to avoid your fears? Or are you focused on creating and expanding into a positive vision for what is possible for you, and for your relationship with your partner? We sometimes sabotage ourselves because we think the highest and best love relationship seems outside of our identity. Is your identity of who you are in relationship congruent with what you actually want your relationship to be? There is a difference in how our “younger” and “older” selves function in relationships. You can learn to attend to the younger part of yourself as an adult - so that the adult is running the show. Katherine reveals a simple process for how to do this in the episode. All of this work allows you to truly be a present adult in your relationship. Are you able to provide support for yourself? We can’t expect support from our partner that we aren’t willing to give ourselves. Not coming from your adult self is also a surefire way to ultimately kill the passion/desire in your relationship. Expecting your partner to parent you will erode the sensual energy. However, when you and your partner can be fully present with each other, that's when the true sparks (the ones that last) can truly fly. Relationships are active and alive and have to be created again and again. Are you choosing your relationship every day? The “source fracture wound” is the original break in your heart and what you made it mean about yourself when it happened. Responding to our partner from that wounded place brings toxicity to the relationship. Katherine explains how to get in touch with that source fracture so that it can be healed in the light of day. Again, willingness to be self-responsible is the key to having a great, lasting relationship. We will probably be having Katherine on the show again soon, as she has so much more to offer!  Until then, please check out the links and resources below! Links and Resources: Katherine Woodward Thomas's website Calling in the One Conscious Uncoupling   Download the show notes and more on NeilSattin.com The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook  Text "PASSION" to 33444 to download a pdf of the show guide (and be entered for a free giveaway of a signed copy of Calling in the One within the first week of this show's airing) AMAZING intro and outtro music graciously provided courtesy of The Railsplitters - Check them out HERE  

Welcome to Episode 2!  Here is today’s question:  How’s your SEX LIFE?  Is it giving you the kind of connection with your partner that you want?  My guest today is Diana Richardson, a leading sex educator with over 20 years’ experience in teaching about “slow sex.”  She has authored several books on the subject of Tantra and how to develop deep intimacy with your partner, and she teaches numerous workshops in Switzerland with her partner, Michael.  Her teaching is completely transformative and focuses on how to radically shift your thinking about sex and sensuality.  You WILL learn something new from Diana!  Join us! Diana discusses the following topics: Tantric sex is about awareness, connection, and containing and sustaining sexual energy.  It’s about being in awareness during sex, instead of “striving to reach the end moment.” Conventional sex typically doesn’t give women the time they need to “be ready.” Ultimately this creates sexual problems in a relationship - the BODY will actually lose interest and close down. However, in slow sex, you work with what naturally allows a woman's body to be open to sex. Conventional sex disregards the natural polarity (positive pole/receptive pole) of the male and female bodies. Do you know where the energy center is for your partner? It might not be what you think. For a woman, her positive sexual pole is actually in the breasts - not the clitoris! Focus attention there to help a woman open to the flow of sexual energy. As a woman, can you experience your breasts from within? This isn't about "stimulating" the breasts - it's more about melting into them, sending warmth through them. This is something you can do at any time of the day! Conventional sex overrides the potential for sexual energy transmission between male and female.  (Hint: the “electric current” metaphor will help make this clearer.) You want to be in the flow - not building up tension only to discharge it. Conventional sex is full of tension and pressure—and sometimes even trauma--for both males and females. Try not to focus on EXCITEMENT - which actually creates tension in the body. Instead, focus on relaxing into the moment with each other. How do you actually FEEL after you have sex with your partner? As you switch to the slow sex approach, notice how that changes...how does it feel to have had an orgasm - vs. how does it feel if you shift to non-orgasmic sex, instead focusing on the sensations that you experience with your partner. When you have non-orgasmic sex, what kind of energy do you carry within you during your day? How does it affect the way you feel towards your partner during the time after? Is sex a source of conflict for you with your partner, in terms of levels of desire, or timing of sex? Make a date (or an appointment) to make love with your partner. And take the TIME that you need to truly connect with each other. Tantric sex teaches you to have understanding, feeling, communication, and being “present” in the moment with your partner. Fall back into yourself - your body, your awareness, your breathing, your sensation - and that opens you up to something happening between the bodies. Learn how to transform your sexual practice into a journey that's not about having orgasms - that's actually about diving more and more deeply into the feeling that you have with each other. Feel what is present within you during sex. Sex should more than a mechanical process, but should be deeply healing and cleansing. If you slow down and focus on awareness, you will sensitize yourself to the more subtle flow of what's happening between you and your partner. The more mechanical your sex, the more you're desensitizing yourself to that dynamic flow. Tantric sex can revitalize a tired and boring relationship.  It’s constantly generative and expansive as it deepens and changes. You are pulling yourself off of the continuum of tension - and discharge - and instead putting yourself onto a continuum that allows you to create deeper connectedness with your partner. Even more amazing tidbits in this episode - please listen to experience the magic that is the teaching of Diana Richardson! Are you intrigued and wanting to explore further? The good news is that there will be a Part 2 to this interview, so you can look forward to even MORE information from Diana.  Links and Resources: www.livinglove.com  (Diana’s website) Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation - by Diana and Michael Richardson The Heart of Tantric Sex - by Diana Richardson Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Tantric Sex for Men" from Diana Richardson. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook www.neilsattin.com/tantra   (My website has links to Diana and her work.)   Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!