Relationship Alive!

Are you curious to know the most common issue that I hear about from clients, and from listeners who write in? It’s communication - or, rather problems with communication. Whether it’s being heard, or feeling like you have no idea where your partner is coming from, or you’re trying to communicate one thing but your partner hears something completely different, or you’re always being criticized - the list of potential communication problems goes on and on. Fortunately, today’s guest is going to help you take a monumental leap in the direction of communication that creates growth and connection in your relationship - and in how you communicate with others in general. Today’s guest is Marty Babits, contributor to Psychology Today, and Co-Director of the Family and Couples Treatment Service, a division of the Institute of Contemporary Psychotherapy in NYC. Marty is also the author of the extremely helpful book, “I’m Not a Mind-Reader - Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship”. Marty has been working with families and couples for over twenty-five years, and the wisdom in this book combines that experience with the work of many of the guests who have been here on the show, to create a manual for communication that will give you a completely new perspective on how to do it well. Prepare to dive deep into a recipe for communication that is sure to shift the results that you get as you interact with the world - especially the ones you love. The 3 dimensions of communication: These 3 dimensions are in every interaction between any two people who are connected: The 1st dimension- This is the literal meaning of what we say, or rather the surface meaning. This is where we can ask: are the messages clear and coherent? The 2nd dimension- This is the meaning that is under the surface, aka the emotional subtext. This dimension is often more complex and it includes the way we are thinking about the way we are. It is in this dimension that love comes through, or contempt. The 3rd dimension- This is the deepest and most profound dimension of communication. It requires reflectiveness and mindfulness. This is where we can take the pulse of whether what we are communicating is moving us towards creating emotional safety with our partner or away from that. Implicit in this dimension is our ability to monitor how the whole direction of the relationship is going. Try this: Pause in your next challenging interaction and take a mental snapshot in any given moment and compare it with what is happening 3 minutes later. This will give you a sense of the direction it is going and will help you practice being aware of what feelings, ideas, and tones are actually transpiring compared with those that you would like to be communicating or feeling.  This willingness to become more aware of how we are showing up in our interactions is helpful in any kind of communication!   Beginners mind- Foster your willingness to try something new on and a willingness to begin again! Maintaining openness can offer whole new vistas we may be currently unaware of. And that not knowing is okay! Allow yourself to forge ahead into unknown territory knowing that this risk is what it means to be human, and to evolve. Bring this openness and willingness to not know into your relationship. Can you be open to the possibility that attitudes can change and that people can grow? Openness and willingness to not know are the key for couples to get out of that locked patterning that can happen due to expectations and assumptions. When one partner begins to change, the other partner often continues to expect more of what they previously experienced, thus not able to see the newness in their partner's actions or attitudes-even when these changes are attempts at trying to create a better relationship. Resistance to change is common, and natural, as there is often a strong sense of inertia that carries you towards what has been, perhaps out of fear because change WILL inevitably disrupt patterns that may have been in place for a long time. To help move forward, consider that when you are busy focusing on your partner’s faults, you often miss all of the nice things that they are doing! In an effort to energize the positive, give yourself a direct encouragement to try to look for those new things. Actually open yourself to the possibility of new trends- this is the heart of what develops in successful couples work, and what ultimately transforms disappointments, disillusionments, and resentments… The optimal prelude to conversation is invitation: Are you willing to be open to the possibility that you CAN have better interactions? As we learn over and over again, we can not force someone to feel, see, or hear our perspective- but we CAN invite them to do it. By inviting your partner to join you in conversation is to honor their sense of choice in how they enter the dialogue. This honoring leads to a sense that you respect their inner world, which then sets the stage for more openness and trust. Now the conversation can begin. Being safe is a prerequirement for making breakthroughs in intimate communication- This goes for ALL interactions, interpersonal, romantic, sexual, etc. In order to understand each other, people have to be open to each other, and in order to do this there has to be safety. Attachment theory suggests that our survival, and therefore our sense of safety, is dependent on the extent to which we do, or don’t, feel connected to others. Conversely, when we feel threatened (whether this is perceived or real) our autonomic nervous system goes into its fight or flight response, at which point we are not available or open for connection OR communication. Therefore, it is important to cultivate an awareness of how safe our interactions are. Get into the habit of asking yourself “is the way I am communicating right now contributing to an overall sense of safety in this interaction or is it distracting from it?” We all have the capability to activate the part of our neurobiology that is very highly attuned to interpersonal issues! Meaning, we each know how to connect and build empathy in our interactions, we just need to first learn how to be relaxed within ourselves and have the safety in order to do so. The power of the unconscious. We are each guilty the following: Your partner says something that makes you feel something, and you make an assumption that how you are feeling is connected to some truth about what your partner just said. This leap happens on an unconscious level. Invite yourself to consider the possibility that you may be misinterpreting! Sometimes we think we are reading our partner’s mind, but we have this unconscious tendency to misread their meaning depending on our own conditioning. This is important to remember as both the receiver/lister and the giver/talker. When you are speaking, bear in mind that your partner may be hearing you through their own lens- communication does not end when you have muttered what you want to say, rather it is a process that you must follow through on, noticing if what you said had the effect you intended. Listen three dimensionally! We are more than our words. Words can be profound, yet we are sharing lives not words. Remember that what people mean is more important than what they say. Although, there is a strong relationship between the two! With compassion, we can move ourselves towards fuller expression. This requires a rethinking of what listening is. Expand your sense of listening to include a listening in on your own internal voice so that you can remain aware of what you are thinking , feeling, and believing and how you are putting this together with what you are hearing from the other person. Then work on extending your awareness to  include a consideration of what might be happening inside of the other person that may be producing the speech or the tone you are hearing now. This alive awareness of what is being said, how it is being said, and how it is being received helps move towards a communication that is open, flowing, and receptive enough so that the love that is needed can come through, and the sense of contact and connection is felt and genuine. Receiving- to receive you have to give to yourself. For those of you who are more comfortable with being the caregiver than the receiver, allow yourself to see this as an invitation to learn more about yourself. Is there are sense of unworthiness? This is just one example of resistances we may have built in how we are in relationship, and while it may be tempting to accept this as just the way things are, often times rejecting this very notion is what will lead to growth and opening. Remember that ‘working’ on your relationship is really ‘learning’. If you can change your perspective and attitude on problems and redefine them as challenges, then you will be able to turn your problems into opportunities. Get curious and compassionate with yourself and reflect on questions like “How can I make things better?”, “How can i allow myself to feel more loved than i do?”, and “How can I work with receiving while maintaining my integrity?” A synonym for complexity is richness! In effort to rethink “working” in and on your relationship, it may be helpful to welcome complexity as richness. Together you can begin looking to create possibilities and new roads where you thought there were dead ends. Ask, “What else is possible in this moment?” and “What if this isn't what i think it is?” These are the questions that make awareness three dimensional. You are aware of the problem AND you are aware of there being other possibilities. With 3D awareness it is as if you can walk around the problem- seeing it without totally being in it. Troubleshooting mode- how to turn the ship around. Okay, so let’s say you're in a conversation and it is about to go south- what can you do? First, name it. Say something like “Hey, I think we are at that place we have been before, and I know what has happened in the past, do you think it is possible that we can try to do something different?”. Then, for example, you can say something like  “I’m having that feeling again that we are going further away from each other- let's take a brief break and resolve to come back again and approach this with a more positive attitude- because right now i am feeling a little hopeless and defensive”. These statements are founded on the belief that you CAN change the dance. To do so requires a plan, preemptively created, that can be used in tense moments. If you know that when one of you is triggered, voices often get raised then collaborate together when you are both regulated to set up a plan and a statement such as  “hey babe, you must really be activated right now because you are raising your voice, let's slow down”. Acknowledging each other’s autonomic responses without judgement, and having a plan that gives each other permission to calm back down helps to create emotional safety. This emotional safety is unavailable and often threatened when we are in up-regulated and triggered states. Have an insult substitute ready! There are inevitably going to be times when you will not be able to get around your biological state of fight or flight (defense and anger), and this is NOT going to be a time when you are going to create new understandings that are going to become the foundation of a better relationship- no, this is going to be a moment to just get through. When all else fails, and we cannot regulate ourselves with the grace or swiftness our system or our partner needs, then it can be helpful to have a venting statement at the ready as a means of damage control! This allows you to have a way to express your anger or activation in a somewhat contained way. You can say, for instance,  “I'm not going to say what is on my mind right now because if i do it is going to create bad feelings, I just want you to know that I am that angry and I'm going to, for the sake of our relationship, chill out for a minute”. Figure out a statement that works for you and your partner, and don’t be ashamed to use it on occasion- when triggered enough our autonomic system reverts to old patterns and conditioning that can lead to much more damaging behaviors and statements than something like “woah, I’m super activated right now and can’t engage or I may say something hurtful that I would regret”. Remember also that YET, the word and the concept, hold all possibilities present. Try bringing it in when you feel stuck- “I’m not ready, yet”, “I’m not yet calm enough”, “I don’t want to, yet”... “Communicate don’t Debate”: You may be so accustomed to debate style conversations that you don’t realize any more how much energy is going into discussing who is right and who is wrong. Begin to notice how open you are to hearing each other. You do not have to agree, but you do have to agree to openly listen. The actual nuts and bolts decision making that is often fodder for debate will come easier as you develop your capacity to work things out without being deadlocked in not understanding each other. Often criticism is a veiled attempt at repairing a disconnection. This is a hard one to conceptualize, and even harder when we are in midst of hurt. And yet, the idea that criticisms can actually be a way for our partner to say they need to connect with you is a core principle in attachment theory. Of course it is not a great way to do so, nor is it very effective, but it does speak to the concept that our main motivation in communicating is to connect. When we feel we cannot connect effectively than we become frustrated, and this can come out looking like hostility. It is not necessarily hostility against the target person, even though it sounds like it, it is more about what is underneath- a pleading for connection. How does the fear of abandonment and loneliness show up in your interactions? How can you find ways together to say “I am here”, even in those messy and hurt moments? The predominant element in relationships is work, not magic. Mindreading, although so tempting and so habitual, is not advised. It is not the mindreading itself that is destructive, as much as it is the assuming that your (mis)reading is the truth. When we take our own readings as the way it is, we leave our partners feeling in the dark and misunderstood. How you analyze or hold onto what you think your partner is thinking and feeling often becomes a critical aspect of the tone of your relationship. It can lead to resentment, frustration, hurt, and alienation. Although you likely know your partner very well, do not confuse this with having the ability to mindread- your assumptions of what are going on with your partner are often times NOT TRUE (especially if you are assuming the worst). Conversely, holding onto the attitude that your partner should automatically and intuitively “already know” is equally destructive and misleading. The golden rule is that YOU have the responsibility to help your partner understand what you are feeling. Express and share yourself in a clear way so that your partner can better give you what you want. Through a mutual commitment of 1) not mindreading and 2) not holding onto the “well my partner should have known” ideal, you will become partners, not adversaries. This is not to say that partners who are close sometimes CAN understand each other on a beautifully profound level, or that there are times when genuine unconscious communication does happen, but it cannot be expected or taken for granted. In general, relationships DO take work, especially when it comes to communication.   Resources Read Marty’s book “I’m Not a Mind-Reader - Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship” Learn more about Marty’s work at his website martybabits.com Check out his blog on psychologytoday www.neilsattin.com/communication Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Marty Babits and qualify for a signed copy of his book. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

How do you hold a vision for your relationship without being trapped by perfectionism when it doesn’t quite measure up to the ideal? How do you manage time in your relationship so that you have time to nurture and build your connection? What are some practical ways that you can learn to value your and your partner’s uniqueness, and what you each bring to the table? And just why is commitment SO important in your relationship’s development? As a healer, relationship coach, and the host of this show, It’s my goal to provide you with unique, actionable insight for how to do relationships amazingly well. And while most of the guests that you’ll hear on the show make perfect sense if you’re familiar with the relationship space, like Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in episode 22 or Diana Richardson talking about her version of Tantra, which she calls “Slow Sex”, in episodes 2 and episode 10, there are some other less obvious sources of wisdom that I want you to know about. One of these is an organization called “Strategic Coach” - led by Dan Sullivan - which supports entrepreneurs in innovative, often counter-intuitive ways to grow their businesses and lead lives balanced between work and well - LIFE. The more familiar that I’ve become with their advice for entrepreneurs over the years, the more I saw that you could apply their wisdom not only in the business world, but also in the realm of love and relationships. As it turns out, they do have a program called the “Couples Connection” for people in relationship - but it’s only available to people in the strategic coach program. And today’s guest, Shannon Waller, has not only been part of the Strategic Coach Organization since 1991, she has been instrumental helping them do exactly what we’re talking about - gearing their strategies towards the health and growth of relationships. She’s currently Strategic Coach’s Entrepreneurial Team Strategist, and she has also been part of every single Couple’s Connection workshop since they started running them. I’m so excited to have her here on the show to chat with us about some of these really practical, yet unconventional business strategies - and how you can apply them in your love life. In this conversation, Shannon Waller and I discuss various new ways to approach yourself and your relationship: Continually innovate- Whether you yourself own a business or not, there are some critical tips from successful entrepreneurship that translate well into relationships. For example, there is a need, in business, and in relationships, to continually innovate. Without change and cycles of innovation it is all too easy to get stuck in problems, complacent, or bored- and it isn’t long until minds and hearts start to wander. In order to have the relationships we really want, we must continually work to strengthen the container of the relationship so that it becomes a source of growth, energy, and vibrancy. Without this investment of energy, partners will lose heart connection and may begin to substitute other things, including work, so that they feel less empty. The “GAP”:  The “Gap” is a key concept in helping us assess our sense of progress, and consequently our sense of competency. The “Gap” is that space between where we are now, and where our ideal is. We all hold ideals- ideals for our partner, our children, ourselves, the way the world should work, how our week should play out- and on and on. First, learn to distinguish helpful versus harmful ideals. A helpful ideal is one that is inspiring and makes you want to be a better person, it gives you energy and helps you set goals. A harmful ideal is one that is burdening, limiting, and leads to decreased energy, anxiety, and shame. All ideals however, can become burdening and limiting if we are not careful in how we relate to them. Think of ideals like the horizon- a mental construct to describe “where the earth meets the sky”, a definition that helps our brains come to grips with something that we can never actually experience or reach. Ideals are a similarly moving target. They are incredibly powerful and valuable in helping inspire and motivate us, and yet, we often misuse them. When we use our ideals to measure ourselves against, we run into problems. When we measure ourselves against this moving, amorphous, and inherently unattainable ideal, we can feel depressed, get frustrated, and often feel like a failure. There is an alternative! Instead of facing forward towards the future, turn around and take a look back at where you started from. Think of yourself standing on the front of a large boat staring at the looming horizon and wondering how long it will take, and how far you have gone, and now, imagine yourself walking to the stern of the boat and viewing the shore receding further and further away… When we measure ourselves against where we have come from, we gain a sense of progress, and begin to experience satisfaction, optimism, and loads of other great feelings. Going into the “Gap” is inevitable, but we always have a choice on how we measure ourselves and how long we stay stuck in there. STOP and CELEBRATE progress! We all have loads of ideals when it comes to our relationships- expectations for how our partner will act, what they will and won’t say, do, feel, how we will show up.... A lot of relationships get stuck in the Gap. It is important to refocus your attention together on progress that has been achieved. TRY THIS: List out 5 achievements you have experienced together, and celebrate these realizations! This positive focus will change how you feel on an everyday basis in your relationship. Find measurable goals in your relationship- Having ideals helps create a vision for what is possible in our relationships, and sets a direction to work towards. Remember however, to be careful in how you measure your relationship against these ideals. Along with looking backwards in order to move forwards, it is helpful to set measurable goals to track progress. We are all guilty of broad statements such as “I want our relationship to be better”, or something like “I want us to be having more sex”- but these are undefined and can quickly lead to guilt, shame, and/or disappointment. Instead, try to set mini and measurable goals- what can you do on date night? When can you set time aside for intimacy? How much time do you want to spend per week together without phones? Together discuss what is going to invigorate your relationship, and set measurable goals and intentions to follow through on. To help you create these measurable goals, it is helpful to ask yourself and your partner: “How will we know that we are in a better relationship?” This question points towards places that can be measured and tracked, which will then lead to that feeling of ‘better’.   Maybe it is time for a new time paradigm:  There is an entrepreneurial time system that can be applied to relationships, with great consequences. This system divides your time into 3 different types of days: Free Days: Free days are 24 hours (midnight-midnight) when you turn off, and tune in. You don’t check email, your phone, or do any work related activities. You spend this day rejuvenating and dedicating time to your personal life- you friends, your family, yourself, getting more sleep, getting more grounded…. Make them sacred- whatever this means to you. If you truly plan, protect, and follow through on these free days you will begin to breath again, and it will add oxygen to your relationships! Slipping relationships get solid again as you recenter into yourself. It is important that when planning your calendar, you pick these days FIRST. Buffer Days: This is the time to get your house in order, so to speak. Focus on all the details that are necessary to getting your life and work in order. Clean up your “messes”. The intention of buffer days is to do all that is necessary so that you can protect your free days and your focus days. Focus Days: Focus days are another 24 hours (midnight-midnight) in which you spend 80% of your time being productive and focusing on your money making ventures. These are your performance days. Your show days. Attend fully and without interruption. Network, be creative, use your expertise to solve problems and progress. Be creative in how this can be applied in YOUR relationship. How can you better manage your responsibilities and time so that you can enjoy dedicated and uninterrupted time with yourself and your loved one? Unique Ability- How much time do you spend thinking about ways you can be or get better? It is true that we all have ways we can be, do, feel better, however our assumption in our minds is that if we can always get better, than this must mean we aren’t very good right now. This ends up undercutting our own unique abilities. Our unique abilities are those qualities, skills, and gifts that are uniquely us. It is a combination of what you love to do (what is your passion? What fuels you?) and those things that you have superior skill at (what are you really good at?). This combination gives us an unending sense of that “I’m on fire” energy. Give yourself permission to not be perfect at everything and play to your strengths! We all have strengths and non-strengths, and the majority of our cultural conditioning has been based on finding what we are deficient at, and having a “fix what’s wrong” focus. We get this message that we need to work on our weaknesses, however if you work on your weaknesses for a very long time you get….very strong strong weaknesses! Invite yourself to start learning and discovering your strengths, and strengthening these! To do so, it is important to have some perspective, and humor around the expectation that you are supposed to be good at everything. Needless to say, it is not true, nor is it possible- we all have cards that we can play all the time, and other cards that we simply don’t have in our deck. Think of your life and all your responsibilities, roles, and activities, and now try to begin recategorizing these into the following categories: Competent activities- those activities in which you reach the minimum standard. You are okay at this. Excellent activities- these are the activities in which you have superior skill. Other people give you a lot of feedback on this, but inside you are sometimes bored… Unique ability activities- Then there are a small subset of activities in which you have fun, you have the most learning, and you have the most to contribute. This is hopefully connected to how you make money. It goes with you everywhere, and is core to what brings you fulfillment. These are natural to you, and ELF: easy, lucrative, and fun. Give yourself permission to use this unique ability!  Return on energy is profoundly better when we invest in our strengths!! Exercise: You can do this alone, or in tandem with your partner. Take some time to get to know your strengths- either by complete a strengths finder assessment tool (see resource list) or by simply sitting down and making a list of what you are really good at. Assessment tools are helpful in that they identify what motivates you, and what your natural leanings are- without all the self-judgement that comes along with self-evaluating. Now make a full list of all that is required to maintain your life. If you are doing this with a partner- make your lists separately and then match them up. Once this is completed begin to look at what is required compared to what your strengths are. The gaps provide opportunities to become RESOURCEFUL. Prioritize what you enjoy doing, and set up the environment and the resources to do this. For those necessary activities and responsibilities that you are not as inclined towards, get creative- delegate, hire out, barter, etc. This requires that you give yourself permission to not do everything, to be okay with where you are at, and to have a sense of humor. NOTE: The Kolbe profile can be a major catalyst in helping clear out some stuck patterning in your relationship. It helps put language to that amorphous “us” by revealing your uniqueness. Use it to help you and your partner find out how you each problem solve, where you work together, and potential areas of conflict. In effect it helps you see what is happening backstage- all those dynamics that end up influencing how we show up in our lives and in our loves. 4 C’s Growth Formula: Intimacy can be scary. Exposing yourself can be scary. Sharing can be scary. The 4 C’s growth formula helps conceptualize the process of becoming confident BY becoming vulnerable. Intentional growth begins when we make a COMMITMENT.  Once you are past the honeymoon stage, and ready to start creating a safe container where you can really experience the full potential for aliveness and growth-- you begin to shift towards learning to sustain an arc of growth and commitment. After you have made the commitment- that YES to someone, you enter into the COURAGE phase. This is when you have made a commitment to something that is bigger than you are, and often to something to which you are not totally prepared for. You throw yourself off a cliff and need to learn how to fly. The only way to get to that more comfortable sense of capability and confidence, you have to go through the courage phase. If someone is only half committed, the courage phase takes a really long time, and in truth you never really quite get there. But when you fully jump in and take the risk of committing, you learn, you innovate, you create, you build relationship muscles, and then you put into place the CAPABILITIES, and these lead to a whole new sense of CONFIDENCE.    COMMITMENT ⇢ COURAGE ⇢ CAPABILITY⇢  CONFIDENCE        ⇡  ⇠   ⇠   ⇠  ⇠  ⇠   ⇠   ⇠   ⇠   ⇠   ⇠   ⇠  ↵ We all know this cycle- and we go through it often. The more often we go through it the more capabilities we build, and therefore the more confidence we have, which then leads us to being able to make bigger and bolder commitments! You can’t just rest in capability in confidence- this leads to stagnation and stuckness. Instead be willing to make greater commitments as this will give you the determination necessary to enter into the courage phase in which we begin to become the people and the partners we want to be! Be self determining- The world can be challenging and powerful, and often there are many external pressures on our relationships that must be contended with. A strengths based approach is not blind to these, but rather requires a willingness and a strength to look directly at these difficulties. Find constructive language with your partner to share your fears, vulnerabilities, and worries in order to be conscious and intentional together about how you want to approach these challenges. This verbal acknowledgement and navigation does not have to be heavy handed- take the conversation with you on date night! Have fun, and find intimacy, in finding words together that will help you be more self-determining in how you lead your lives and your relationship. Lastly, KNOW THYSELF- Use assessment tools, inventories, strengths finders, conversation, introspection, reflection, creativity, or any other means to help you find your unique abilities and that idiosyncratic YOU. Then, find ways to actually honor who you are so that you can become more fully you. The best relationships involve a dynamic in which what makes one partner come to life, then brings their partner to life. This leads to mutual excitement, passion, and ever evolving growth. Resources For more information about Shannon Waller’s work see strategiccoach.com Unique Ability 2.0 on Amazon For more on the 4 C’s breakthrough process, read here Click here to go to the Kolbe website and take the Kolbe-A index to help find your natural abilities Visit the Gallup Strengths Center where you can complete the Clifton Strengthsfinder www.neilsattin.com/strategic Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Shannon Waller and qualify to win a copy of Unique Ability 2.0 Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

What is the secret to cultivating inspiration in your relationship? And, if you’re single, how do you find people to date who will truly inspire you to be more of who you are, more conscious, more connected? To that end - I want today’s episode to inspire you: we’re going to talk about a path to connecting with the parts of yourself that are truly your core gifts - and how to bring those into your relationship, into your dating life if you’re single, and how to connect your authenticity to the spark of passion. Today’s guest is Ken Page, renown psychotherapist, Psychology Today blogger, and author of the book “Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy”. Ken’s book is one of the few books that I’ve read for the podcast that left me feeling truly moved - both by the hope that it instilled in me for single people looking for a new way to connect with others, as well as through giving me a completely new way to frame the dance of attraction within a relationship. Core gifts- The concept of core gifts helps to lead us onto a very different path to finding a partner. This concept teaches us that the very places where we are most scared of love and those parts of ourselves we think we need to hide or suppress are again and again the powerhouse of our ability to love! This can be very surprising! Common culture around dating teaches us how to airbrush ourselves, how to play hard to get, and how to change ourselves in ways to make us seem more attractive. Thickness of skin is prized in the current dating world. In this very approach you are screwed from the start, because in trying to make yourself more attractive, you freeze your authenticity and spontaneity. You further feed all of your insecurities as you learn to hate those parts of yourself where you are most sensitive. Conclusion is that the fix-yourself-to-find-love stuff just doesn’t work! The parts of ourselves that we feel most embarrassed about are our holy places. Our most sensitive parts, the ones we have been programmed to be ashamed of, are in actuality begging for liberation! Our search for love will fail if we don’t love those sensitive places in ourselves. To the degree to which we embrace those parts of ourselves, we attract partners who are more available, caring, accepting, and supportive of our whole selves. Our deepest insecurities are the markers of our greatest gifts and those gifts will lead us to the real love we are looking for! Embrace your passions and your sensitivities Attraction of Deprivation versus Attraction of Inspiration: You can’t force your attractions. You can’t make yourself attracted to someone, even if they are good for you,  if there is not the sexual attraction. What we can do is educate our attraction. In order to do so we need to understand the differences in our circuitry of attraction. Attraction of Deprivation is that rapid falling for someone who is ultimately unavailable. That attraction to someone who is almost there, almost gets us, almost meets our needs. Often these are hot attractions and exciting, but the almost-ness goes on forever. They scratch and itch. They don’t completely feed a real need. It is important to understand and to recognize our own attractions of deprivation in order to choose partners more clearly and consciously. Attraction of Inspiration occurs when you meet someone and you are physically attracted to them, AND you are emotionally and spiritually attracted to the way that they treat you, the quality of their consistency and integrity, and by their way of being in the world. When you find someone like that, attraction is going to build in a different way. It is more like being fed from the inside. The attraction grows richer, more celebratory, and more real as time goes on. That is happiness and that is where we want to look for love! The more we support our sensitivity, the stronger we become in the world! Don’t go pursuing the hottest thing around town! Instead, find people who amplify who you are and work on your own capacity to discern who is on that wavelength with you. This discernment is the way you can be vulnerable, generous, kind, and be more protected than if you were playing games. When we learn to honor our sensitivity we gain a kind of dignity and are ultimately less hurt by rejection because our ultimate commitment is to find someone who loves us for who we are. So when we find someone who doesn’t love us for who we are, it is okay because they weren’t the right one! When we operate from a “how do I play this game” place then we are operating from a fear based place and will likely suffer tremendously from rejection, when we make room for our vulnerability and ask for what we need and honor what we need in our relationships we become stronger and more resilient! For everyone looking for relationship: If you can make a decision and commitment (and it ain’t no little thing) that from now on you are only going to cultivate your attractions of inspiration, then your dating life will change in profound ways.  You will narrow your field but you will also deepen your field. The degree to which you honor your core gifts and only look for people that treasure what they see when you are really you, a kind of magic happens. You will start meeting and attracting different people. How to recognize your own gift zone:  Your core gifts are those places in which you are the most you. You can think of them as shards of god inside you- they are those parts of you where you feel deeply. Where life touches you the most deeply. The places where your intensity and passion are very powerful for certain things. Where you desire love. Desire truth. You can ask yourself: Where has my passion run really deep in my being? Where has my sensitivity run really deep? Where have I wondered if I am too sensitive? Those are places where your antennae are exquisitely in tune for what you need and desire. Exercise: Try the following for two days and watch what happens. First, get a journal. Make little notes answering these two specific questions:   What kind of interactions fill my heart? What kind of interactions hurt my heart? Take notes about certain moments and honor each one of them. After 2 days if you look at all of those points it will be like a connect the dots- you will see the themes and those places where you can be most hurt and most inspired. These are your core gifts, and where your magic lies. Notice the places where you are most hurt, as these are the places you are the most tender. The places where you are the most tender are the places where you are the most beautiful. And it is from these tender places where your love springs from! The hurt represents moments where there was a break in love and connection- and by recognizing where these occur you will build a stronger connection with yourself. Be willing to really really really ask for what you want: In every relationship there is a good struggle- a place where your partner has a really hard time giving you what you need, and vice versa. Even in our most wonderful relationships we can get hurt because we are all separate beings, and imperfect. The hurt is often amplified because most of us are not willing to really really really ask for what we want. We have some belief that if we do then we are being too selfish, or we ask in a demanding way that isn’t really coming from our place of need. Sometimes we don’t even ask at all, and instead build resentment. But when we can learn to ask from a place of real authenticity, something very different happens.  This act of getting more and more vulnerable with your partner and really asking for what you need, is a very powerful thing. Ask for those things that you feel mortified to ask for! Even though it may be scary, you’ll find that it can be liberating, and Intimacy producing! Helpful to know here that research shows that when you are terrified you are most likely to feel loved. There is a high chance of REALLY GREAT PASSION on the other side of fear. Honoring: If you practice honoring the fierceness around your passions, you will get wiser about how to express your passion in the world. And when you honor the tenderness of your sensitivity, you will become so much more beautiful at how you express it and share it and live it in the world. This act of honoring allows you to open up to a blossoming of a whole new set of possibilities! How does Attraction of Inspiration lead to great sex? Have you ever had an experience of sex when you have felt love, connection and also intense turn on? Some combination of hot hot sex but also heart sex? If you have experienced that- you’ve found the sweet spot where turn-on is intense and love is intense. Not only do we need to respect each other by cuddling and caressing and going slowly, but we also need to be willing to get vulnerable with our sexual desires and willing to take responsibility for our turn-ons. Be it vanilla, kink, or some combination of- think of those things that really get you hard, wet, turned on, what are those things that are really juicy to me? Then swing out- meaning take a risk and go towards your partner, by asking for those things in your relationship. When you are brave enough to share what ways of touching/moving/playing/being not only fill your heart, but also turn you on, you are building intimacy and hotness.  When you can trust each other with these perhaps embarrassing wants, and gift each other non judgemental listening and go-with-it-ness, you’ll be more likely to have that crazy sex you’ve been wanting. Ken Page says it will be “like Christmas in bed!!” Resources See deeperdating.com for links to interviews, learn more, access online courses, and to sign up to receive Ken Page’s free ebook! Read Ken’s book Deeper Dating www.neilsattin.com/dating Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Ken Page - and to qualify to win a free copy of Deeper Dating! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

On our show, we’ve talked a lot about getting “triggered” - but what does it even mean to get triggered? Why do we hold trauma in our bodies? And how do we move through it so that we can live more freely, be more fully alive - and present for what life is bringing us in the moment? And if you’re in a relationship, how can you and your partner help each other heal - either the traumas of the past, or the inevitable traumas that we cause each other? Today’s guest is Dr. Peter Levine, one of the world’s foremost experts on Trauma, and author of many books on the topic, including “Waking the Tiger”, “Trauma & Memory”, and “Healing Trauma” - a book that guides you through a process for Healing Trauma and your triggers. He is also the creator of Somatic Experiencing, one of the most effective ways of dealing with the effects of trauma, and releasing trauma from the body with thousands of trained practitioners all over the world. In today’s episode, you’re going to not only learn how your body holds trauma and triggers, but also get some guidance into how you can, in the moment, come back into balance and actually allow yourself to fully move through whatever is stored in your body. We talk about how we can help each other in relationship - and we also chat a bit about how to apply Peter’s work with children. In this conversation Dr. Peter Levine and I discuss the following: The past lives in us. Our past lives in us in ways that we are often unaware of. Times when we may have been left alone, yelled at, hurt, neglected, abused, misunderstood, exposed to difficulty, or otherwise traumatized, all leave imprints on our bodies that can last through many years and decades. The question is not whether these memories exist in us, but how they live in us. Implicit and Explicit Memory: Explicit memories- These are the ones that we normally think about as things to remember. These are the thoughts and memories we are fully conscious of. Lists at the grocery store, directions, etc. Rarely has emotional content. Episodic memories- these are also explicit memories, however they have a deeper quality. This is when, for example, you are sitting at the ocean and all of a sudden you have images from your childhood. Representative of parts of our lives Implicit memories- These are even deeper. Emotional memory is when all of a sudden you find yourself angry, or frightened, and wonder what just happened. You may be feeling threatened and defensive. A fight might occur from this. Procedural or Body memories-  Even deeper than emotional memories are procedural or body memories. When we felt terrified our bodies experienced terror physically (shoulders go to our ears, we get a knot in our belly. heart going fast..) These are all autonomic and automatic response we have. Even if we understand why we are being triggered and the emotions that occur as a result, our procedural memories prime the pump and cause us to react in often inappropriate ways.   Triggers are echoes of memories stored in our bodies: If in a couple, both people have been traumatized in their life, it can happen that their fear and their anger will escalate, ricocheting off of each other. What is happening here is that our brains are wired to perceive threat and all the intense emotions ensuing as caused by something real. Our partner may do something, or not do something, or give a look, or say something, and all of a sudden our body reacts by developing a knot in the stomach, a tightening in the shoulders, faster heart beat… Our brains look to find causation for this symptomatic response, and often will attach blame to anyone near by! In this way we enter into situations where we begin believing “this must all be about you”, when in reality it is most often the result of an echoing of earlier memories stored in our own body. A relationship and interaction will go nowhere when both people are stuck in this velocity trap of blaming and shaming. Somatic Experiencing helps people learn to experience their emotions and sensations in their body and notice all that goes on without having to react. It helps people go from being closed and defensive to open and curious- which is the key to trauma recovery! Our relationships are constant sources for healing. Living, loving and being in constant interaction with our significant others provides endless opportunities for our triggers to be revealed! While this can be seen as very painful, burdensome, and unsexy, it is important to realize that every trigger offers an opportunity to heal! Our intimate relationships are ideal places to have our traumas arise, because we can face our memories and reactions with a trusted other who can share it with us, hold us, and be with us as we come into greater aliveness and joy! We cannot live our life with vitality and clarity when we are stuck in our habitual trauma responses. Bringing your relationship into the here and now: The most important lesson for growth in relationships is learning how to individuate, together. To see the other as other, and not as a perception of our own fears and flaws. To do so it is critical to get to know ourselves- spiritually, sexually, psychologically, somatically...This is especially true when there is a history of trauma present in a relationship. Just as trauma causes the body to remain stuck in the past, trauma can keep a relationship from being in the present. To bring your relationship into a more current state, you need to learn to be in touch with your reactions and learn ways to move not around, but through them. Be direct- ask your partner “Can you just be here with me and give me a little support and time to figure out what I am feeling and sensing, and how it is connected to a memory?” Each time we can do this we can further and further uncouple from those trauma laden memories so that we can bring ourselves AND our relationships back into the here and now. How to move through triggering moments: Trauma is never graceful, and often it leaves parts of us, physically, emotionally, and psychologically, stuck. With support and guidance we can move through the stuckness. Consider animals in the wild. Although their lives are threatened on a routine basis, they are rarely traumatized (if so they would lose their resilience and go extinct). What is it in animals that gives them resilience? All mammals, including us, have identical instinctual fight and flight autonomic nervous systems to us, but other animals have the added benefit of remembering how to use the body to work through the traumatic experience. Animals shake. Literally. They shake their bodies which allows the body to process all of the hormones and neurochemicals involved in the fight/flight response. You have likely experienced this too- shaking and trembling in your body, cold hands, spontaneous deep breaths immediately after a scary event. It is important that we help support each other in allowing our bodies to work through our experiences similar to how other animals do. Somatic Experiencing developed as a methodology that imparts basic life skills to move through events that are potentially traumatized in order to gain a greater resilience and joy in life. These are skills everyone in the world could use! It would make for a better, safer, and more compassionate world. Fight or Flight, then Freeze. Our autonomic nervous systems are wired for a fight or flight response to threat (real or perceived). If we are unable to follow through on either of these instincts, if these actions do not suffice, or if our system becomes too overwhelmed, the body will go into a state of apathy and collapse. It freezes. This shutdown stage is meant to be temporary, but sometimes we get stuck there due to fears that reinforce the paralysis. When someone we can trust is near us, it is possible to have less fear to truly sense the immobility, make contact with it, and move through it. Being in presence with the sensations will lead to deactivation and we can learn to see what memories are keeping us stuck, and from there learn to renegotiate our reactions, and our reactions to our reactions! A good experiment to try: When we have been traumatized, especially in the case of sexual trauma, we try to isolate from our body (also known as dissociation, or soul fragmenting). It is as if the body has betrayed us and we begin to perceive it as the enemy. You can start by befriending and reconnecting with your own body. Pay gentle and nonjudgmental attention to your own reactions. With time it becomes softer and easier for you to reflect on your feelings, and your physical responses. You can do this with your partner. Agree not to have intercourse, but just to explore together. As soon as a trigger comes up, take the time together to integrate and be with the sensations in a patient and compassionate way. Know that our minds are clever but our bodies are wise! Our bodies know what to do, they are instinctive. Imagine what your body might have wanted to do at the time when it was violated-- push away, fight, run? Find safe ways to allow the body to express the desires and needs that it had but could not follow through with in the past. This brings power and energy back to the body, and helps hold compassion for the child, or younger version of yourself that could not defend or protect itself at the time. As we sort through the links between memories and reactions, we begin to mend again and return to a deep and full sexual, spiritual, psychological, and physical connection with partner. Learning to recognize when you are triggered and work with the procedural body memories will help you find more freedom and more wholeness! Tip to try with your child, and/or your partner: When your child is very angry, help give them a way to safely and effectively direct their anger. Most children find it difficult to deal with their own intense emotions because their parents have difficulty with them. As a parent, and as a partner to your significant other, you can help another feel their strength by directing their feelings into healthy aggression. Try this: put out your hand, make eye contact while you are doing this, and invite them to push your hand hard. Putting a lid on our anger puts a lid on all other feelings simultaneously. Allowing the body to safely express its sensations will help to release stuckness and lets us feel more alive! VOOO: A wonderful thing to practice. This is a simple practice that helps you get present and out of a trauma response state. Take a full and easy inhale, and as you exhale make the sound “voooooooo”. Let the sound come from your belly and go until breath comes to an end. The next inhale happens automatically and naturally. Do several rounds to help calm your autonomic nervous system. Resources Learn more about Somatic Experiencing and find a practitioner in your area here.   Read some of Peter Levine’s books: Trauma and Memory: Brain and Body in a Search for the Living Past: A Practical Guide for Understanding and Working with Traumatic Memory Healing Trauma on Amazon Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parents' Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy and Resilience www.neilsattin.com/trauma Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Peter Levine - and to qualify to win a free copy of one of his books! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Having healthy polarity is an important component of maintaining a spark with your partner. Have you wondered, though, about what that really means? Does that mean that one of us has to be “masculine”, and the other has to be “feminine” in order for this whole thing to work? How do you turn polarity into something that doesn’t become just a descent into stereotypes, but into a dynamic energy that lives and breathes in your relationship? And how do you take it to the next level, tuning into higher states of energy with your partner?  Today’s guest is Michaela Boehm, an experienced counselor and tantric lineage holder who specializes in teaching skills that enhance deep intimacy and lasting attraction, and who co-taught for a number of years with David Deida to make the concepts that he teaches in books like “Way of the Superior Man” and “The Enlightened Sex Manual” practical. And in today’s episode, we’re going to do just that. We’ll update your idea of what “polarity” even means - and give you some practical tools to open yourself up to what’s possible in terms of your energetic connection with your partner. Michaela is also going to point out some of the places where people stumble or get stuck - so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes on your journey. In this episode, Michaela Boehm and I cover the following: Within each human being there are two forces: The terms ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ are placeholder terms that describe two different types of energies that are found in each one of us. Over the years these terms have been misconstrued by popular culture- losing their original purpose and meaning. People have conflated ‘masculine’ with man, and ‘feminine’ with woman, causing further polarization, stereotyping, and kindling more gender wars. Misunderstanding these terms boxes and pigeon holes people, and can even become another form of oppression. In an effort to move away from these constructs, it is helpful to take a look at the two underlying principles that represent the masculine and feminine energies: the organizing principle, and the pleasure principle. The organizing principle:  Everyone has an organizing principle, which is the masculine energy, that gives clarity and helps make things happen. It has a long term view and works on a time/space grid to essentially create forward movement. It has a tendency towards emptying out. It is filled with consciousness and has a depth of penetration and clarity that gets things done! The pleasure principle: The pleasure principle is the feminine energy in us- the wild chaotic swirl of nature as it is expressed in each person’s body, environment and life. This is the enjoyment of multitude. Of flavors and textures and fullness. You need both within yourself. The organizing principle without the chaotic swirl life force is just static and stuck. The chaotic and creative flow of nature without direction is a disaster. The strength of one principle is enhanced by the other, and disastrous on its own. Imagine being all in the masculine.. you might be so rigid you no longer know about how to flow with life, now imagine you are all in the feminine... your life might become so chaotic that you cannot seem to move forward. Therefore, it is important to find both inside of yourself. Finding your ‘home’ energy: While we each have aspects of the masculine and feminine inside of us, we each have a ‘home’ energy or a ‘home’ preference which is the place where we feel most naturally relaxed and fulfilled. When you are left to your own devices, you will naturally lean towards one principle or the other. Here are some good questions to ask yourself when reflecting on what principle is most native to you: Do you enjoy engaging in the fullness of life (children, dinners, animals, friends, clothing, social events, house decorating, doing things, etc? Are you your happiest and is your body the most relaxed when you are fully engaged in activities? Do you thrive on the engagement and exchange of love? Do you talk a lot? Yes to these questions points towards how the pleasure principle- the pleasure of being alive in one’s body- is showing up in your life. On the other hand, do you like clear structure, making things happen, and enjoy adhering to a schedule and a plan? And if you had a month to plan however and whatever you wanted how would you use the time? Would you hope to meditate? To sit in a desert and contemplate vastness? Would you want your mind and body to experience silence and clarity? Do you recuperate through being still? These tendencies speak to the masculine and organizing principle in each of us. NOTE: Both men and women are experiencing increased levels of the organizing principle as our society is much more geared and rewarding of the masculine. Finding a mix of these two dynamic qualities allows you to be more effective, expressive and fulfilled in life, plus it is has a huge impact on your sexual life! Polarity increases sexual play/Friction is sexy- In our sexual lives, the erotic friction- meaning the tension between the two poles- is what makes for chemistry and that spark we all want in our relationships, regardless if we are gay, straight, or bi. You can learn to go back and forth between the energies, helping to balance and add healthy tension to your sex life (the hunt and being hunted, the penetrator and the surrenderer, etc). Learning to animate and distinguish these two aspects of yourself will make these energies available for you to better play with another human being! In most relationships you learn to polarize sexually- fluidly moving from one who is doing to one who is being. By developing facility in all areas of the spectrum you have more options in ways to creatively balance each other! Beauty comes when you can identify a ‘home’ place in which you are naturally joyous while having fluidity and faculty to call upon and bring forth the strengths of each allowing for fuller range of expression, and therefore, more sexual possibility. Increasing your capacity to experience energy throughout your entire body - it is not about trying to get something right! Your sexual life can be enhanced and transformed by learning to work with your energy. Before diving into how to achieve this, here are a few thoughts on potential pitfalls and considerations in regards to energy control and manipulation: -There are many schools of thought, and thousands of techniques for achieving non-ejaculatory sex and getting away from orgasm addiction. Often this can come from rigid control of the breath. This may have bad consequences physiologically and psychologically. When people get too focused on their breath they tense their bodies and pelvic floor, which in most people are already plenty tense! It is actually rather counterproductive for many people to impose more structure and tension (in breath and pelvic floor). For those of us who do not have a lot of time to dedicate to mastering tantric techniques, it is more generative to focus on learning to relax and be in gentle attunement with one’s natural physical tendencies. -According to Michaela and ancient Taoist traditions, there are times when ejaculation is what is needed! Strong rigid measures of control on a man’s natural process can have many other side effects that may negate the fact that he can now last longer. Take it with a grain of salt! -Bypassing ejaculation can have great impact on achieving full body pleasure orgasms, however beware that the focus on controlling ejaculation doesn’t become another form of larger control that becomes a source of shame, or another way to brutalize oneself. Last thing most couples need is more places of disappointment! Not ejaculating is not that hard to achieve, but it does not necessarily mean you have satisfaction or pleasure in the body or are more emotionally free. Furthermore, “Don’t cum!” can become as much a fixation or obsession as anything else which would lead further away from intimacy. - For many thousands of years putting control on a human’s sexual urges was one of the main ways of gaining control in society. “Don’t have sex, it is a sin” isn’t much different than “don’t ejaculate it is a spiritual sin”. Be careful with dogmas! These concepts can be very dicey in the wrong hands. -It isn’t the ejaculate control that is important- it is the ability direct, expand, and circulate energy around your body and learning to lead your arousal peaks, rather than have them lead you. There are many ways to learn to direct energy for increased sexual pleasure.    What is the optimal way that your body can be in a relaxed state so that you can combine yourself with another human, spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically in the optimal way? Delocalize pleasure: Delocalizing pleasure, meaning moving energy from one’s genitals and expanding it throughout the body, is a wonderful way to increase a sense of pleasure throughout the entire body. There are many ways to do this without having to practice circular breathing or other techniques for 30-50 minute a day! Try touching other parts of your body while you are sexually engaged. Relax the base of your body. Try to feel your extremities while you are in the middle of sexual intercourse. Loosen your shoulders and head to release tension. Loosen all tight areas. Create movement through touch and massage. Don’t make a big TO DO, just relax, breath, move, touch! When you are in the midst of sexual pleasure allow the energy to move through- actually relax, let yourself feel, and allow yourself to receive. Try this one on: actual intimacy is about actually feeling what is happening. You can delocalize pleasure not only in your body, but in your life!  We are all continually somewhere on the sexual continuum. And sexuality is a constantly flowing energy- it is a matter of one’s capacity to tune in. Sex doesn’t just have to happen in bed (or on the kitchen table!) but can be simply happening when you are making a meal together, walking, or being side by side. This realization, especially when shared with your partner, can create increased sense of pleasure throughout your relationship, and life. A few practices to help you increase your openness and attunement with your own feminine and masculine energies: In order to get in touch with your pleasure principle try movement! Movement is one of the most beneficial things we humans can do for ourselves. Try shaking it out at least once a day! Pick a song and dance, shake, or move your body in a spontaneous way. Feel how your body wants to move, and let it! Do this while brushing your teeth! Between meetings! First thing in the morning. Exercise is wonderful too, however it is linear and forces habitual patterns. Surprise yourself. As for getting in touch with the organizing principle, find 5 minutes a day to sit and do nothing at all, not even a meditation practice. Just sit and allow whatever comes up to come up, and be with it. These two simple daily practices offer the opportunity to experience both ends of the spectrum: the pleasuring fullness, and the organizing emptiness. Feel the pleasure of being alive! And the fullness of being in this moment! Resources For more on retreats, somatic education, workshops, and wisdom from Michaela Boehm, please see her website: www.michaelaboehm.com Enlightened Sex Manual is an alive and evocative book! If and when you read it please send your feedback about how it is impacting your life! www.neilsattin.com/polarity Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Michaela Boehm - and to qualify to win a free dowload of one of her recordings! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Have you ever had the feeling that you get into the same kind of conflict, over and over again, in your relationship? And when you recognize that, do you feel more free- like you are able to stop the pattern in its tracks and do something better? Or, are you left feeling powerless once the train has left the station? Well, it turns out there is one major source of all conflicts within a couple, and today we are going to talk about what that source is, and in very practical terms how to recognize it and break free of those repetitive patterns when they are happening. And, we will also have a helpful hint or two for those of us in relationships with children from past relationships. Today’s guest is Dr. Sue Johnson, renowned psychologist, researcher, teacher, and author of the book “Hold Me Tight- Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”. She is a leading innovator in the field of couple’s therapy, and the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated effectiveness in over 25 years of peer reviewed clinical research. Get ready to learn even more how to apply attachment theory to your life in a way that will help you feel more grounded and secure in your relationship, and better able to take on the world! In this episode, Dr. Sue Johnson and I explore the following: Romantic love is an ancient wired in survival code- More and more research, and more and more couples, are helping to crack the code of love! We now know that you must go towards the emotions in order to understand the who, whys, hows, and whats of romantic love. Adult bonding and all the emotions involved in this is the key. So much of previous couple’s therapy and relationship advice has focused on skill acquisition and controlling cognitive thinking, but as most of us have experienced, skills usually go out the window in the face of enormously powerful emotions. Emotions are not byproducts of interactions, rather they are the music of the dance. Emotions organize our interactions. When you are lost, confused, stuck, remember Sue Johnson’s exclamation as she really looked into the research: “Oh my! This is ALL about attachment bonds!” And it is. Your mammalian brain is wired to perceive relationship threats as a matter of life or death, because in many ways they are. They key question in love from an attachment point of you is: Are you there for me? Can I rely on you to be there? Will you come when I call? A.R.E: Is there someone on this planet that you matter to so much to that they will be available, responsive, and engaged? Aka, A.R.E. If you have ever been surprised by the intensity of your emotional reactions in your relationship (sadness,  anger, devastation, the list goes on), think about it in relation to attachment and the core need we each have to trust that your partner will be there. A vision for what is actually possible in your relationship: From last 25 years of research, and from what couples share, we know that you CAN learn to understand this dance called love. Even if you have had negative relationships, and even if you are in a distressed relationship right now where you are actively hurting each other, you CAN learn to see patterns, the way you move with your partner, the way you trigger each other, step on each others feet, and push each other off balance. You can learn to help each other in moments of emotional disconnection when your brain freaks out because it says “I am all alone”. You can help learn to balance each other and create a secure base. You can look and say “Hey! We are caught in that thing again, where I can’t seem to connect with you and I get upset and so I start poking you so that you will turn towards me, but you feel that I am just trying to hurt you and that makes you run away, so...shall we not do that thing and sit and have tea instead?!” Every relationship has that thing, that pattern, argument, stuckness that you find yourself up against over and over again. Get creative and make names for it! Our spiral, the nothing, the tornado… Make it so that you you guys can recognize ways emotional disconnection manifests in your relationship (so you can help each other out of it!). A secure bond is the way we are meant to be! A secure bond is predictive of every kind of mental health, growth, and good mental processing you can imagine. We are born longing for this connection with a few loving others, and when you are in a secure place it is as if your whole system becomes available for collaboration. Without it our system becomes compromised. If you are spending 75% of your energy trying to prove to others that you're okay, worrying if other people will accept you, feeling alone, trying to persuade yourself that you don't need other people, or actually trying to please other people, then obviously it will cripple your growth and your ability to deal with stress. Homo Vinculums- Somehow in the 21st century we have forgotten just how important secure bonding is. We are homo vinculum- the one who bonds. We are social attaching bonding animals and our whole nervous system is wired for that! Understand your own homo vinculum-ness and you will understand why it is so natural to be terrified of rejection and abandonment. In fact, our brains respond to rejection in the exact same location, and in the exact same way as it processes physical pain. Hold me tight- We are social interpersonal beings that are designed to grow each other. Resilience comes from the ability to reach out when the dragon comes and hold hands with another human being. The best strategy for dealing with our vulnerableness is to ask for support, take in support, and turn to other people. This is especially true in our relationships! There are ways to share vulnerability and enter into emotions together in a way that pulls your partner towards you and leads to secure bonding. Remember that our partners can do things that no therapist can do, and that our intimate relationships are the most natural and potent places for growth. While there is always inner work that must be done (addressing triggers, looking at patterns, exploring wounds), it is in the safety and love from another that you can make sense of your emotions, learn to stay balanced, and learn to deal with panic. Demon dialogues- Demon dialogues are those negative patterns and traps oh-so-common in our relationships. Here are three categories: Find the bad guy- This is an attack attack pattern where both of you are pointing fingers, placing blame, and saying “this is your fault not mine”. You are giving the message that you would be “better even if I am by myself’ which is often not the case. Protest Polka- This is the most popular demon dialogue and is also known as demand/withdraw. It occurs when one of you is searching for connection and you begin to demand it. The demander pokes and pokes their partner to get a response, and the other partner begins to withdraw more and more, feeling like the more they get poked the more they want to run. This creates increased distance, tension, and dissonance. Freeze and Flee- This is a last resort/last ditch effort kind of pattern. It occurs when the couple becomes burnt out after hundreds of protest polka and find the bad guy interactions. It occurs when there is no clear solution and no other way to reconnect. Both partners become withdrawn and the relationship becomes a desert.     Invite yourself to think about your own relationships- Do any of these dialogues seem familiar? What patterns do you notice? Even the healthiest relationships have interactions like these, however because there are loads of other loving interactions mixed in, the ‘bad ones’ don’t become the central feature- and you are able to find ways to turn towards each other and reconnect. When you look closely together at your demon dialogues you will find the source-- either one or both of you are triggered and a raw spot has been exposed- you experienced a disconnection from your partner and you entered these dialogues in an effort, albeit ineffective, to repair connection. Revisit a rocky moment at a later point through the lens of attachment to better process and get to the source of your arguments. Although it may seem that couples fight about dishes, laundry, ex’s, schedules...underneath all arguments is the essential question “are you there for me?” Once you can understand how the fear of rejection and abandonment is a natural fear, you will be able to identify where you get stuck and will find productive ways to deal with moments of disconnection. Talking about your fears and vulnerability in a clear way will get you both out of that stuck place where you quickly become polarized and dangerous to each other. Deep in our bones we know this bonding dance. Even if you did not have secure attachments in childhood, we each have a deep instinctive propensity for bonding. You do know what you need to feel secure - you just need to be willing (and feel safe enough) to take the risk and as for what you know you need. Don’t make your partner guess! You can say things as direct as “Right now, babe, I need you to reassure me that you still want me!”, “Hey! Sweets! Can you please take a break and rub my feet for a few minutes I need some closeness if you are available”, “I need for you to tell me that I matter to you, and if you are too busy right now, then tell me will will do something together on the weekend”, or “This is scary for me to tell you, but I really do need you to reel me in right now because I am stuck behind this wall I built and I can’t quite get out”. People move into a new dance bit by bit when they feel confident enough to express and address their emotions. Is a secure connection the enemy of eroticism? Many have long questioned whether long term relationship stability leads to a lack of eroticism, and some have even stated it as a truth, but good news is that all the evidence points in the opposite direction! Evidence shows that a secure emotional connection helps you engage, explore, and become attuned to your partner, which is essential for intimacy. Passion is the longing for emotional connection twinned with the ability to attune and move together in synchrony and then go into erotic play. Extra tip: If you are in a blended family in which your relationship involves children from previous relationships, EFT is perfect for you too! At this point you may be overwhelmed by trying to balance the responsibility you feel for your children and their ruptured attachment, and the energy you need and want to put into growing your new relationship. You may be feeling like it can’t all happen at once! This is true, but the more you can work on your relationship the more you can turn as a team and parent (what are now) YOUR children in a way that makes them feel safe and connected. Focus in on the emotional realm of your partnership, learn together about the messages you send each other and why. You and your children will benefit from your increased sense of security and attunement. Resources For more research and videos on the science of bonding see Sue’s website: www.drsuejohnson.com Read her book: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love The Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick www.neilsattin.com/sue Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Sue Johnson - and to qualify to win a free copy of “Hold Me Tight”. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Have you ever heard yourself saying “There’s a part of me that feels one way, and another part of me that feels another?” - or have you ever wondered why you might do things that seem counterproductive to what your actual intentions are? Do you have a mindfulness practice, and wonder how you can get more out of it - is it not quite transforming your life the way you thought it would? Or here’s another question: when you take a moment to get to the heart of what you want, or “need” - how do you know if it’s something healthy, or just a way of perpetuating something within you that really ought to be something that you heal and move past? Today’s guest is going to help you answer those questions. And if you’re inclined to do the healing work, what he offers is a powerful path to get you there. His name is Richard Schwartz, also known as Dick - and he is the founding creator of the evidence-based therapeutic modality called “Internal Family Systems” - which offers an effective way to address both issues within yourself and issues within a relationship. We’ll explain how it all works, and how you can use it on your own, on today’s show. Dick is the author of the book “You Are The One That You’ve Been Waiting For, Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships” - and we’ll use that book to help guide our conversation about how to apply Internal Family Systems (IFS) to your relationship. We discuss how to identify and heal the various parts of yourself that may be leading your actions, your beliefs, and causing internal and interpersonal havoc, and how to reconnect with your Self  in ways that result in lasting healing and promotes intimacy.  You will learn how to speak for your parts, heal vulnerable and hurt parts, and increase Self leadership. I think you will find that this approach makes a lot of sense and that it is very workable! In this episode, Dick Schwartz and I cover the following: We all have parts.  We all have parts inside, as if we are carrying around a family or a cohort of sub personalities. You’ll recognize this as soon as you tune into your speech- how common is it to say “part of me really doesn’t want to do that right now”, “another part of me does”,  “part of me is frustrated this is happening”, or any other form of “part of me…”? This is the language we each naturally use to explain the phenomena of having multiple, mixed, and sometimes contradictory emotions/instincts/beliefs. But, we are also not ONLY our parts. This is a distinct premise of the Internal Family Systems approach. We each have a Self and all that is not the Self are parts. Parts are autonomous, they have projects, agendas, missions, and sometimes are so self-like that they fool even us. An allegory to explain parts:  A little boy is standing on the bank of a river watching the water flow by when all of a sudden the ground gives way, and he finds himself tumbling quickly downstream. He doesn’t know how to swim but at what seems like the last second he grabs onto a log floating beside him. He grabs on with all his might and hugs it until the water washes him safely onto a beach further downstream. The boy tries to step up to solid ground but it is difficult to walk with the heavy log. He cannot let go of the log, fearing he will not be able to survive without it, and yet he is stuck holding it.   This little boy has a part that will not let go of the log because it believes the boy may drown without it. When we have difficult, traumatic, and confusing experiences we immediately learn ways to adapt in order to survive. Parts are our system’s response to painful experiences in order to protect ourselves from being hurt/shamed/embarrassed/disappointed again, and they learn to protect at all costs, even when it seems that it is wreaking havoc in our lives. You may know some of your parts already- the one that always makes you late, the one that makes you perfectly on time for EVERYTHING, the one that starts to panic when he/she doesn’t call you back, the one that makes you eat more than you intended, the one that is constantly pointing out flaws in your partner, the one that is constantly criticizing how you look… we each carry parts upon parts, some more extreme than others. Whether you love some of your parts (the hardworker? the dedicated friend?) or are incredibly ashamed by other parts (the addict, the procrastinator), it is important to understand that all parts have good intentions. Even the most damaging and dangerous parts. Learning more about your parts- Your anger, for example, may be like the little boy’s log. If you were to bring mindfulness and curiosity towards your anger  (knowing that it has good intentions), focus in on it, and then were to ask the bundle of anger what it wants you to know about itself, you will likely get an answer. Often the answer will surprise you! Ask your anger what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t get angry so quickly. What you will learn is that it is likely protecting a young vulnerable part of yourself that it is afraid will not be able to survive without protection. You can ask the part how old it thinks you are. Often you will learn that your parts are stuck in the past, and that they are exhausted of their role. As we learn more about a part’s purpose we can learn what to do to help release it from its current role, and how to heal the original hurt. Most parts are not what they seem and will gladly change if they sense that it is safe to do so! What is the Self? Not only does it turn out that we all have parts, but we also all have a Self! This is an internal omnipresent essence that cannot be damaged, and has all the resources that we need to heal ourselves. Some may call it an inner leader, an inner good parent, others may call it their spirit, their soul, their “I”, or simply “myself”. IFS defines the qualities of Self as the 8 C’s: COMPASSION CURIOSITY CALMNESS CREATIVITY CONNECTEDNESS CLARITY CONFIDENCE COURAGE It can happen that our parts are so actively protecting us that it may feel like we can’t find our Self however as you learn to separate more and more from your extreme thoughts and emotions this more centered state emerges. It is helpful to recognize that it is always with us, and there are many ways to access this. Even just conjuring up these qualities helps to build Self energy. Many of you will know this process as mindfulness- the consciousness of witnessing ourselves in each moment from a compassionate place. Self-leadership: The key towards healing is to build a Self to parts relationship in which your parts can begin to sense that there is a Self present. As protective parts begin to be acknowledged by the Self (bringing curiosity helps this tremendously), they are able to begin to trust more and step to the side which allows the Self to be even more present. A key question to ask in order to build the Self-to-part relationship is: How do you feel towards this part? The more self-led we are, the more healing can happen because we will be able to connect to the knowing that we actually do know how to take care of exiled parts. Exiles- what they are and how they manifest in our lives and relationships: By nature of growing up, we all come out of our childhoods and families with many exiles. Exiles are parts that in a painful moment took on a burden, such as the belief that “I am worthless”, “I am no good”, “I am not wanted”, “I am alone”. These vulnerable parts of ourselves are usually hidden, locked away, ‘exiled’ in our system by all of the other parts that are desperately trying to protect them. Sometimes some of us come to relationships in hopes that our partner will heal, match or redeem us, someone who will give us that special something that we did not get at an earlier and critical stage. This premise sets people up for relationships that may not work out because our partner cannot do our healing for us. It is as if your parts, in desperate want of survival, choose a partner instead of your Self choosing. Exile led relationships can lead to neediness, dependency, disappointment, and will likely run your partner away. Over time the parts that wanted to be taken care of become frustrated, they begin to criticize your partner in an effort to change them into the redeemer you were looking for, or your critical parts lead you to try to change yourself, and then you may develop parts that begin to create escapes through fantasizing, drugs, work, sex, etc. Attachment theory taken inside- We are all hurt and we all have extreme protectors that screw up our relationships- and so, we each have a responsibility to our partners to work on ourselves. In order to move away from being in an exile-led relationship, it is important to learn to take care of your vulnerable parts. Instead of expecting or demanding your partner to be the attachment figure you never had, your Self must become the good attachment figure. In this way you become the one that you have been waiting for! Your partner then, can become a secondary support, a role that has a lot more vitality and sustainability! Tor-Mentors- Although it may sound less romantic than ‘soulmates’, often our partners are our most prized ‘tor-mentors’- those people in our lives that help us learn how to heal by tormenting us! Our partners trigger our parts constantly, which causes large emotional reactions that become trailheads that if followed will lead you to some key exiled parts that may need to be saved from where they are stuck in the past. In this way our partners help us transform by shedding light on areas that can then be addressed between your Self and your parts. Creating a Self-led relationship: Try introducing parts language into your relationship! Likely you will be amazed by the immediate impact on your communication. In order to get to the open hearted place of Self to Self interaction, it is important to learn to SPEAK FOR, rather than FROM your parts! Instead of “I hate it when you do that!”, say “I have a part that hates it when you do that thing”. Over time this will become something more like “When you did that thing it triggered an angry part of me that hates when you ignore me because it remembers when I was little and my father would do the same”, or something like that. In this way, not only are you taking responsibility for your reactions, you are bringing Self-energy (and all the qualities that come with that!) into the room. “I hate it when you do that” or worse, “I hate you” will cause your partner’s protectors (likely ones that experienced rejection or hatred) to inevitably react- thus creating a protector parts war in which one person’s protectors get triggered and react which alarms the other person’s exiles which put their protectors on alert. It is very difficult to get out of this cycle until you are willing to go beneath the protectors and see what it is they are reacting so strongly to. Unburdening as a way to heal exiles and increase vitality in your relationship! Once your system begins to trust that your Self is truly present, a certain safety is created that allows for the protector parts to relax enough for you to access your own exiles. Often this process is best mediated with a therapist, as they can help act as ‘hope merchants’ and help you stay connected to Self so that you do not become overwhelmed as you interact with these most vulnerable parts of yourself. Once you have gained permission from your protectors you can access exiles directly and begin to find out what they need in order to release the extreme beliefs and emotions that they have been carrying for so long. Note: experience shows that 70% of most people’s exiles were ‘born’ before the age of 10. Once exiles are acknowledged, heard, and helped to release their burdens they spontaneously transform! In an effort to protect and survive, our parts take on roles and structures that often cut us off from our most vulnerable resources. The unburdening process reintegrates the original personalities of innocent parts which leads to a surge of vitality! By taking care of your exiles (instead of adapting to them all of the time), all of that child energy- the spontaneity, delight, playfulness, and creativity  will flood back into your system, and into your relationship! Dos and Don'ts of trying this at home: If you would like to explore your own parts, try the following: Imagine your partner in a room by himself/herself and you are outside the room, looking in. Just notice the parts of you that come up as you focus on your partner. Choose to focus on the part that is most visible/energetic/extreme.  Take your attention inside. Where do you find this feeling/sensation/thought in or around your body? Then notice how you feel towards it? If you feel anything that is not one of the 8 C’s then it is another part! Ask those parts to give some space and relax a bit.  Keep identifying parts and asking them to step aside until you feel curious towards this target part.  With curiosity and compassion it is safe to ask this part why it does what it does/feels what it feels/believes what it believes. Ask what it is afraid would happen if it did not do that thing.  As you learn what it is protecting then you have a lot of options- you can talk to your partner about what you learned, you can thank that part for its service and remind it that it doesn’t always have to jump in in this way. If you ask it how old it thinks you are and it is way off, then help it see that you are actually older and not stuck in that same young place. At this point the protective part has likely led you to a shadow sides of yourself, the basements and darker areas where we each store our exiles. Be careful not to rush towards exiles- if it becomes too scary or overwhelming , more extreme parts will come in to distract and may cause damage in their efforts! As you encounter exiled parts and painful memories it is suggested you work within the safe holdings of a therapist you trust. Exploring parts with and without your partner: A lot of this work involves intensely inward awareness and can definitely be done on your own. Beware however that as you work with your parts and address underlying core memories and bruises you may change a lot! Just as your protective parts will restructure themselves in response to your unburdening, your relationship may restructure as well- likely for the better! Tthe more Self-led you are the more attractive you will be to your partner! As far as working this model together, you can definitely begin today by using parts language. Begin to identify parts (make the come as alive as you can- color, shape, name) and start speaking FOR your part. As you each begin to learn about your parts and what they are protecting, share this. Share your own Self-energy with your partner by being curious, with them, about their parts. Together you can build a culture of understanding that all parts, even the most disruptive ones, have a positive intention, and once you can gain glimpses of what is being protected, then empathy for each other and your parts will emerge. This in turn leads to resilient intimacy, that kind of intimacy that is created by diving deep and coming back out to celebrate your healings together. Things to try immediately: -Notice parts and bring curiosity towards your parts. Where do you sense this part in or around your body? it may be a feeling, thought, sensation, physical pain, voice, etc. What is this part afraid would happen if it did not do its job? Ask it! Ask it how old it thinks you are! Thank it for all it has done! Let it sense YOU now. -Appreciate all of your parts and how they have been working to protect you for likely a long long time. Remember all parts are welcome and all parts have good intentions. -Try speaking FOR your parts! You will be amazed at how immediately impactful this can be in your partnerships -Find ways and take time to connect with your Self. you can invoke any of the 8 C’s at any point and this helps conjure more Self energy. Resources Learn more about Internal Family System from the Center for Self-Leadership Read Schwartz’s Book- You are the One You’ve Been Waiting For www.neilsattin.com/self Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Richard Schwartz Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Today’s guest is Dave Richo, a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and author of the well-known book “How To Be An Adult in Relationships- The 5 Keys to Mindful Loving”. In this conversation we explore topics found in his more recent book “How To Be an Adult In Love- Letting Love In Safely and Showing It Recklessly”, and his brand new book “You Are Not What You Think- The Egoless Path To Self-Esteem and Generous Love”. Richo’s approach, which combines Jungian, poetic, and mythical perspectives, delves deep into the Buddhist concept of loving-kindness. In today’s episode we explore the whys and the hows of egoless love in the context of romantic relationships. You will learn key questions to help you assess your own ego balance, and ways to surrender ego in order to build self-esteem, address old wounds and fears, be fully loving in all of your relationships, and to actually evolve your capacity for love. You will be reminded and awakened to the ways in which taking care of ourselves is in itself an act of love.   Here are some highlights, insights, and suggestions from my conversation with Dave Richo: Widening the range of love- The Buddhist practice of loving-kindness is really about expanding our definition of what it means to love. It is about beaming out love to yourself, those closest to you, those you feel neutral about, those you don’t even really like, and all with EQUAL force. This force of grace and power is one that comes from beyond our ego, and extends through us to all beings. We can learn how to love, which is important, but we can also work on opening ourselves to call upon this sense of unconditional grace that is omnipresent and here to help us. How to connect with this sense of spirit is incredibly personal and you must find the right wording, symbolism, rituals, and practices that make it your own. However you relate to this concept, take a moment to consider that perhaps by incorporating awareness of this wider loving spirit you might find ways to better heal during difficult times, feel connected to your partner regardless of what you think or feel about them in a given moment, and even potentially, as Dave explains, feel more fully human. Agape love: The Greek’s referred to this form of selfless, unconditional and utterly limitless way of showing love as ‘Agape love’. They saw this form of boundless love to be our own highest calling. Although the love we hold for our romantic partner(s) exists within the definitions of the Greek’s Agape love and the Buddhist’s loving-kindness paradigm, it is the erotic dimension that distinguishes our intimate partnerships from the crowd. Interestingly enough, the Greek’s also believe that erotic love exists in our creative pursuits as well. Therefore there are many ways to experience erotic love, and infinite ways to experience Agape love. Tending to the relationship through Egoless Loving: So how can this wide definition of love inform our ability to engage the challenges that may arise in our partnerships? Love is about giving of oneself without being sure exactly what we will get in return. If instead, our egos are leading the way in our relationship we may find ourselves using the partnership to assert and solidify our own ego purposes, leading to patterns of selfishness (and not the good kind!). The evolution of a relationship from Ego-ideals to Egoless led love: There are three phases a romantic relationship must pass through in order to achieve an egoless led love: 1) Ego-Ideal to Ego-Ideal Romantic Phase: In the beginning… two individuals meet, and their two ego ideals fall in love. Meaning that person you always desired is finally found! Stars, rainbows, romantic dates, until…   2) Ego to Ego Phase: The inevitable conflicts, big or small, begin, and the ego-ideals erode and you begin to see the other person as she or he really is (warts and all). You may start to see your partner as self-centered, self-promoting, self-ish, or maybe you just start getting really irritated with the way they do or don’t do the dishes, you get the idea… In this conflict stage, the goal is to confront the ego dimension of ourselves and see if we can let go of it in favor of a more loving response. There are many psychological techniques, communication tips, outlined processes, prompts and activities you can choose to engage in here to help address, process, and make it through this phase. Regardless of how you and your partner work on your conflicts, it is critical to remember that this is an act of love! When we commit to working through the tough stuff and putting in the energy when struggles arise we are showing ourselves and our partners love in action. This increases connection, and of course, trust. And it leads to the final phase. 3) Egoless Love Phase: Through successfully showing up for Phase 2 and taking responsibility for our own egos, a new dimension of love is possible. Now that our partners can trust that we are dedicated to tending to the partnership versus tending solely to our egos, true commitment is possible.  (Note to eager hearts: this is the appropriate time to choose marriage rather than during the Ego-ideal phase!). Hold up! Lets take a moment to look closer at what ego is, and what it means in love. Ego is the latin word for ‘I’. It lies on a continuum. One extreme is when the ego is inflated which can look like arrogance/swagger/narcism, and on the other extreme when the ego is deflated it can look like withdrawn/shutdown/doormat-like. In equilibrium the ego is strong yet not forceful, direct but not judging, respectful, humble, confident without arrogance, and loving. Only from a healthy ego is true love possible. You cannot be fully loved by those whose egos are stuck on either end of the spectrum. Someone with an inflated ego cannot truly love you, even if it seems she/he cares about you it is only because they are focusing on you to see what they can get from you. Someone with a deflated ego is guided by fear and appeasement, neither conducive to deep healthy love. Those with healthy egos however, have self-esteem, and so they are capable of looking into YOU. Helpful questions to uncover where you are on the ego spectrum, and consequently discover if the love you are giving and getting in your relationship is healthy: We are each born with a set of original needs, Dave categorizes them into the 5 As: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. -Attention- your caretakers focused on your needs in an engaged way -Acceptance- your family and community accepted you as you were -Appreciation- your family cherished and celebrated you -Affection- your family showed affection in physical and appropriate ways -Allowing- your family supported you without clinging or holding you back These five needs remain with us throughout our life and they create a solid definition of how love is shown. How do you know that you really love yourself? Ask! Using the same 5As you can ask yourself “Am I paying attention to my needs? Am I accepting myself as I really am? Am I holding myself as valuable? Am I taking care of my body? Am I allowing myself to make the choices that reflect who I am rather than what others insist? Notice your answers, and notice how assertive you are. Can you state your needs without aggression or demand? Are you afraid of asking for what you want or afraid of your needs themselves? Are you afraid of needing or wanting to be fully loved? Bring the 5 As into your relationship by talking through them with your partner and turning the questions around! How can I pay attention to your needs? Am I accepting you as you really are? Etc. This can be in incredibly informative and empowering process to pursue together. When you can give yourself the 5As it is called healthy self-love. When you can give your partner the 5As it is called intimacy. And don’t be fooled. Acts of self-love are in themselves a way of showing love to others. Turning attention inward helps you show up and be fully you! The 4A Process: In establishing intimacy, it is critical to address fears of intimacy- Although subconscious, hidden, or simply out of awareness, many relationship conflicts arise from two common fears originating from our childhoods: 1) fear of abandonment and 2) fear of engulfment. These fears develop into fears of intimacy and are the root causes of so many relationship struggles (both MAJOR and minor ones!). The 4A process can help you and your partner work through the fear(s). 1) Admit- admit you are afraid, share with your partner 2) Allow- allow yourself to feel the feeling 3) Act as If- feel the fear but do it anyway, don’t let the fear stop you 4) Affirmation- Tell yourself “I am letting go of this fear” An example: “When you hug me I feel scared you will smother me, but please keep hugging me so that I can work through this feeling because I know you are safe and will not overwhelm me. I don’t want the fear to stop this moment that is happening, so I am going to let go of this fear.” Work with original fears so that you can experience the other side of intimacy! There is a difference between fear management (making exceptions, working around, and placating ourselves, etc) versus taking responsibility for our fear (tracing source, acknowledging triggers, expressing awareness). It’s not you, It’s me! While our romantic relationships are indeed sources of deep happiness, they are also our best labs in which to grow into awakened, full, and healthy human beings. As so many of us have experienced, our intimate partnerships lead us to the most undeveloped parts of ourselves. Humbling! Intruiging! And experience shows that everyone, we mean everyone, has childhood scars that continue to dwell in the psyche and play out in subtle, and unsubtle ways! Taking responsibility and becoming aware of how our past carries over into the present is in itself an ACT OF LOVE. Healthy relationships give us the opportunity to heal old wounds, and therefore the ability to have healthier relationships, and so on. Welcome these opportunities to heal your past! For those of you growth-oriented partners, you can begin to ask yourself and your partner “how can I best sponsor growth and healing?” From this place of love, you can engage in what Dave calls Safe Conversations. Safe Conversations- If you want to love yourself and allow your relationship (current or future) to have more love in it, you must be willing to have conversations without judgement about how the past is informing the present. From here you can choose how you want to give and receive the 5As and how to have a relationship in which childhood wounds are no longer getting in the way. Safe Conversations help to air out and find patterns for deeper understanding. Here is short list of example questions to discuss with your partner (taking turns asking each other), but please refer to Dave’s book for more a more in depth discussion. “How were your early needs handled in childhood? How did your parents show you the 5 As?” “How can your needs be met now in this relationship?” “How were your feelings handled and expressed in your childhood? How was sadness shown? Anger? Fear? Joy?” “How were conflicts handled by your parents?” “How do you want to handle conflicts in our relationship?” “How was free speech seen ny your family?” “How can you feel safe to speak your needs in our relationship?” This is a lot! It is long, deep, unfolding, and takes an immense amount of ego-less led presence. Take breaks! And lastly, a suggestion for expanding your daily capacity for loving kindness: Daily rituals help call our awareness to attention, Dave shares his morning dedication with us: “I say yes to everything that happens to me today as an opportunity to give and receive love without reserve. I am thankful for the enduring capacity to love that has come to me from the sacred heart of the universe. May everything that happens to me today open my heart more and more. May all that I think, say, feel, and do, express loving kindness towards myself, those close to me, and all beings. May love be my life purpose, my bliss, my destiny, my calling, the richest grace I can receive or give and may I always be especially compassionate toward people who are considered least, or last, or who feel alone or lost” Resources Dave Richo's Website How to Be an Adult in Relationship on Amazon How to Be an Adult in Love on Amazon You Are Not What You Think on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/adult Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Dave Richo Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Today, we’re going to talk about lies. Why do we lie - ever? And while it’s easy to perhaps scapegoat people who aren’t telling the whole truth - as with anything in relationship - it takes TWO to tango - so how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Most importantly - how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Today’s guests are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. They are two of the world’s leading experts on couples therapy and the topic of honesty in relationship, and their groundbreaking book - Tell me No Lies - explores exactly these questions about how to undo the damage caused by all lies - big and small - in relationship. In today’s conversation, Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson and I discuss the following: What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types: Equivocations: Giving ambiguous, indirect, or contradictory information Exaggerations: Overstatements and truth stretching Understatements: Minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth Concealments: Deliberately omitting information that is important and relevant Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth (no versus yes) Felony lies: These are the big high stakes ones Why do we lie? The good the bad and the ugly. Lying always has a purpose, and is often resulting from a need to protect something.  What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In some cases, as often happens in the beginning of a relationship, lies may be told in order to HELP solidify the bond and create closeness (“Yum, the dinner you made was delicious!”). In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. We also lie to advance ourselves, enhance our image, protect ourselves, or gain power. While there are minor seemingly loving lies that are told in order to protect the bond, it is almost always more successful to protect the relationship through truth telling, as risky and scary as it may seem. Lying between me, myself, and I: There is an enormous amount of self deception in most relationships, and let’s be honest, in our lives in general. Everyone, whether currently coupled or not, can take time to ask: Am I really telling myself the truth about my own experience? How well do I know myself? How much am I able to communicate what I know about myself? These questions are incredibly potent to hold as a relationship begins to unfold. In the honeymoon phase, or what Bader refers to as the ‘temporary psychosis phase’ due to the plethora of neurochemicals involved with falling in love that make us “bonded and stupid”, it is very normal to lie. Mostly to oneself. Amidst the adrenaline and excitement of new love, many people do not pay attention to their own wishes, desires, or needs. Some may forget to ask themselves “Who am I really? What really matters to me?”. This is natural because when people first come together there is a strong desire to try and be the same. They may knowingly and unknowingly minimize differences and emphasize ways they are alike in order to prove compatibility to each other, and find alignment. This can actually be a cute, sweet, profound, and important process, however where it goes from here is the make or break… Lack of differentiation creates havoc in the long run: While it may be normal to search for commonality in the beginning of a relationship, a couple must begin to welcome and celebrate difference early on in order to avoid getting stuck on “the dark side of the honeymoon”, that petri dish for resentment, fear, instability, and ultimately distrust. Failure to differentiate usually results from one or both partners being conflict avoidant, meaning that they hold the basic fear that conflict will lead to rupture or collapse of the relationship.  Because they are seeking security above all else, they are willing to overcompensate or over adapt for long periods of time in order to keep the illusion of permanence in the relationship. This begins by the conflict avoidant partner not expressing their desires, needs or wishes, and frequently includes lies by omission. This partner gives more and more of themselves, ignoring important parts of themselves, until they either collapse, become depressed, develop secret anger, etc. This leads to the next stage, the “Freedom Unhinged” state, in which the relationship begins to disintegrate. More extreme lying occurs, including the GREAT BIG felony lies (gambling, infidelity, etc). The stakes are high, and as one partner becomes more and more adamant that such and such is NOT happening, the other partner may even begin to question their own sanity. Often at this point trust has been so violated that couples usually separate as it is rare to be able to piece everything back together. NOTE TO THOSE EXPERIENCING FELONY LIES: It is advisable to get a therapist involved. If you guys want to try to work through it on your own make sure to slow down. Often the partner who has lied is in a hurry to heal and looks to find solutions quickly. Let your partner express their feelings, all of them, and allow them to ask LOTS of questions. Regaining trust isn’t simply a decisional process. It takes a long time and it takes a lot of small things done daily. Do what you say you are going to do. It is common to experience disillusionment as new love matures! Some things just don’t show up in early stages. Realizing truths can come after commitments have been made, and need not incite panic. Oscar Wilde says “the truth is rarely pure and never simple”, and this is incredibly true in relationships. Inviting truth and how to AVOID becoming conflict avoidant: In order for couples to evolve well and enter into a growthful process from the honeymoon phase, it is key to start substantial truth telling early on. Each partner speaks up about things that are important and matter to them, even at the risk of moving into areas of disagreement. Although the early years of differentiation are not always easy, there are many moments of growthful tension. It takes courage not only from the one who tells their truth, but from the partner who is willing and able to truly listen and hear their partner share! Lie Invitees: Knowing that lying is often one of those ‘two to tango’ deals, how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Somebody becomes a lie invitee when they do not fully collaborate on the commitment to truth telling. For example, when your partner shares honestly and with integrity with you and you attack them or shame them, they will inevitably think twice about being honest in the future, thus leading to increased deception. So how are you receiving your partner’s honesty? Are you being reactive instead of responsive? Are you being a martyr? Acting above? Playing victim? If so you may actually be encouraging your partner’s lie telling. The BIGGEST self deception that occurs in relationships is the belief that we are victims and not contributors in the distress. Truth telling is a collaborative process, so always stay AWARE of your participation in what goes on in your relationship. Ask yourself “what would be required of me to bring more honesty to our partnership?”, “What can I do that would make my partner glad to be with me?”, “How can I be in order to increase ease and fluency in our communication?”. Come clean when you need to, and work towards being willing to SEE and BE SEEN, HEAR and BE HEARD by and with and for each other. According to Bader and Pearson, THE ABSOLUTE FOUNDATION OF MAKING A RELATIONSHIP WORK IS NOT LOVE IT IS TRUST. Explore this, meditate on it, discuss it, play with it, reject it, embrace it, and notice. Notice how you react and respond. Come clean with grace and generosity. When you become aware of a place in which you have not been totally honest with your partner, do not rush into confession. There is an art to everything, confessions included. If you are going to express a difficult truth, give your partner a loving heads up. Telling lies/not telling the truth can feel so shaming and heavy that there is a tendency to want to unload quickly and release the guilt as soon as you feel ready to share. This is not advised! It is as if you hit your partner with two arrows instead of one, stinging them once with your news, and second with the selfishness of your delivery. So SLOW DOWN (less in time, but more in tone). Say something like “Hey, I want to share something with you that isn’t easy for me to say”, and then verbally honor that your motivation in telling them the truth is to continue to build the trusting foundation you are both committed to creating in your relationship. This acts as a paradigm shifter- from ‘me and you’ to ‘us’, and helps facilitate your partner’s ability to hear the truth. BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS- There is also an art to receiving truth telling. If your partner has shared something with you from a generous and couple centered place, it is good to remember to respond first with “I really appreciate your honesty”. Work together towards a place in which you can respond by staying curious, and saying “tell me more”. When and if you recognize ways in which you are either being a lie invitee, or having difficulty receiving your partner’s honesty, share this. Say something like “Honey, I am noticing that I have been doing such and such and that it might be making it hard for you to be honest with me”. By the mere fact of owning one’s contribution to the patterns, doors will open and fresh air will come into the relationship. You can also experiment together. Say “Look, I know that I have been reactive in the past, and I am really going to try to listen and hear you without demanding anything in this moment”. Then take turns! Give this platform a try and see if it eases or shifts any stuckness in your communication patterns. Truth is a process and the key is to build a culture of truth telling in your partnership- Nobody is totally honest all of the time, but if you can start talking more openly about how to give and receive honesty before the nitty grittys come crawling out of the closets, the monsters from under the bed, those once upon a time white lies get revealed, it will make all the difference in the world. The more hiding you are doing the less vibrancy and energy is available for the relationship and for your life. So, create a container and a commitment together to being clear and direct, and don’t forget these two rhymes: IT TAKES TEAM WORK TO MAKE YOUR DREAM WORK BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS Resources Check out Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson’s work at: www.couplesinstitute.com Read their book- Tell Me No Lies www.neilsattin.com/lies Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!  

Today’s guest is Sheri Winston, wholistic sexuality teacher, founder of the center for intimate arts, and author of the award-winning book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure”. We’re going to talk about how the sexual energy of a feminine person works. We’re also going to talk about the female anatomy - and you just might find out some things that you NEVER knew before. Sheri also brings her knowledge as a midwife and a massage therapist to bear on the topic of just how we might come to sexuality from a completely different perspective. I guarantee that unless you’ve already read Sheri’s book (and maybe even if you have) you’re going to learn something new today. Here are the highlights from my conversation with Sheri Winston:   What is wholistic sexuality? This is a way of seeing the sexual life force that emanates through us and around us at all times. When you’ve heard me talking about “the continuum” - this is it. We are always able to access this energy, and with our partners we are always connected, even when we’re not in the bedroom. Contrast that with “male sexuality” - This is the popular model for “how sexuality works” - and it represents a very masculine way of looking at sexuality. Quick turn-on, deep penetration, huge orgasms. However, feminine people have a completely different type of sexuality. What is feminine sexuality? Rather than a quick boil that starts at the center (masculine sexuality), feminine sexuality starts at “the edges” and heats up slowly, until the entire system is fired up. It can take a little while! So wholistic sexuality is: being able to recognize these different types of sexual energy and recognize where you and your partner fall on the spectrum - and then to take each other into account! How does a woman know when she’s actually ready to experience penetration? If you are “desperate” to have your partner inside of you, then you are ready. Anything before that and your entire system may not be quite ready. Also it should feel “completely fabulous” If a woman is “wet” does that mean that she’s ready to be penetrated? NO! In fact, lubrication is one of the earliest stages of arousal, but many more things need to happen in a woman’s body (along with lubrication) for penetration to feel completely pleasurable. It’s about the journey - so enjoy it! Did you know that women have as much erectile tissue as men? Along with erectile tissue that’s present all throughout the broad genital region, the clitoris is actually just the tip of an enormous clitoral network that extends throughout that part of a woman’s body. As an experiment, if you’re a woman (or partnered with a woman): See if you can observe all of the changes that are happening within a woman’s body as she is getting more and more aroused. Can you figure out where all (or at least some) of the erectile tissue is? Sheri Winston calls this a “herection”. :-) Timing is everything! For instance, there is a stage in arousal where the cervix gets pulled up and out of the way. When that happens, deep thrusting penetration can feel amazing! Before that happens - it can be painful! O1 vs O2...and beyond! How sensitive are you able to become to the levels of arousal when you bypass “Peak Orgasms” and allow your bodies to ride deeper waves of pleasure together, for more time? Arousal is an “altered state of consciousness”: And when you see it that way, you can understand why it can take time to make the shift, and why it’s an experience that can be deepened. Figure out what you need for yourself, and what your partner needs, to stay in and play with that state of consciousness - it’s a grand experiment! Here are some ideas for how to expand that altered state: How does changing the way that you’re breathing affect the sensation in your body? How does your state of relaxation affect things? Can you set the stage in different ways that connect you to a ritual of sensuality - to help deepen your presence, and ability to be absorbed in the moment? The power of sound: Making wide, open sounds can actually help your body relax - it’s part of an automatic response where the lower part of our body reciprocates the openness of the upper part of our body (our throat and mouth when we make those kinds of sounds) Set the container: Create an intention with your partner to close the space, energetically, to the rest of the world. That space and time when you are together is yours and yours alone, and other intruding thoughts/energies are not welcome. It can be a good idea to keep technology (phones, etc.) out of the bedroom. How to keep things “alive”: Be INTERESTING and INTERESTED! Cultivate your creativity and imagination AND your curiosity about your partner’s experience. Eye contact and kissing with tongue: Both magnify sexual energy and help induce the “altered state of consciousness” that we’ve been talking about. Dedicate Time - In long-term relationships, sexual connection “just happens” less and less, without attention. Dedicate time as frequently as possible to experiencing your partner’s sensual essence. Even just 5 minutes of eye-gazing is better than nothing. How do we handle shame? If you know that shame is an issue for you, recognize that it is at times for almost all of us! During the altered state of arousal, it can be a prime time for you to reprogram those parts of you - especially if your partner is prepared for those moments. Prepare positive statements that reverse the shame, and, as an example, you can have your partner whisper them to you (or yell them at you!). Whatever feels right. Debrief - LATER. You can always take time at a later moment to talk to your partner about what came up for you (or to ask your partner about what came up for them) - what worked, what didn’t, strategize for the future, and take a moment to affirm the depth of your love for each other.     Resources Sheri’s websites: www.intimateartscenter.com www.intimateartsonline.com Woman’s Anatomy of Arousal on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/arousal   Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a free copy of Sheri Winston’s award-winning book “Woman’s Anatomy of Arousal”. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!