Relationship Alive! 28: Healthy Polarity, Energetic Connection, and the Work of David Deida with Michaela Boehm
Having healthy polarity is an important component of maintaining a spark with your partner. Have you wondered, though, about what that really means? Does that mean that one of us has to be “masculine”, and the other has to be “feminine” in order for this whole thing to work? How do you turn polarity into something that doesn’t become just a descent into stereotypes, but into a dynamic energy that lives and breathes in your relationship? And how do you take it to the next level, tuning into higher states of energy with your partner?
Today’s guest is Michaela Boehm, an experienced counselor and tantric lineage holder who specializes in teaching skills that enhance deep intimacy and lasting attraction, and who co-taught for a number of years with David Deida to make the concepts that he teaches in books like “Way of the Superior Man” and “The Enlightened Sex Manual” practical. And in today’s episode, we’re going to do just that. We’ll update your idea of what “polarity” even means - and give you some practical tools to open yourself up to what’s possible in terms of your energetic connection with your partner. Michaela is also going to point out some of the places where people stumble or get stuck - so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes on your journey.
In this episode, Michaela Boehm and I cover the following:
Within each human being there are two forces: The terms ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ are placeholder terms that describe two different types of energies that are found in each one of us. Over the years these terms have been misconstrued by popular culture- losing their original purpose and meaning. People have conflated ‘masculine’ with man, and ‘feminine’ with woman, causing further polarization, stereotyping, and kindling more gender wars. Misunderstanding these terms boxes and pigeon holes people, and can even become another form of oppression. In an effort to move away from these constructs, it is helpful to take a look at the two underlying principles that represent the masculine and feminine energies: the organizing principle, and the pleasure principle.
The organizing principle: Everyone has an organizing principle, which is the masculine energy, that gives clarity and helps make things happen. It has a long term view and works on a time/space grid to essentially create forward movement. It has a tendency towards emptying out. It is filled with consciousness and has a depth of penetration and clarity that gets things done!
The pleasure principle: The pleasure principle is the feminine energy in us- the wild chaotic swirl of nature as it is expressed in each person’s body, environment and life. This is the enjoyment of multitude. Of flavors and textures and fullness.
You need both within yourself. The organizing principle without the chaotic swirl life force is just static and stuck. The chaotic and creative flow of nature without direction is a disaster. The strength of one principle is enhanced by the other, and disastrous on its own. Imagine being all in the masculine.. you might be so rigid you no longer know about how to flow with life, now imagine you are all in the feminine... your life might become so chaotic that you cannot seem to move forward. Therefore, it is important to find both inside of yourself.
Finding your ‘home’ energy: While we each have aspects of the masculine and feminine inside of us, we each have a ‘home’ energy or a ‘home’ preference which is the place where we feel most naturally relaxed and fulfilled. When you are left to your own devices, you will naturally lean towards one principle or the other. Here are some good questions to ask yourself when reflecting on what principle is most native to you:
Do you enjoy engaging in the fullness of life (children, dinners, animals, friends, clothing, social events, house decorating, doing things, etc? Are you your happiest and is your body the most relaxed when you are fully engaged in activities? Do you thrive on the engagement and exchange of love? Do you talk a lot? Yes to these questions points towards how the pleasure principle- the pleasure of being alive in one’s body- is showing up in your life.
On the other hand, do you like clear structure, making things happen, and enjoy adhering to a schedule and a plan? And if you had a month to plan however and whatever you wanted how would you use the time? Would you hope to meditate? To sit in a desert and contemplate vastness? Would you want your mind and body to experience silence and clarity? Do you recuperate through being still? These tendencies speak to the masculine and organizing principle in each of us.
NOTE: Both men and women are experiencing increased levels of the organizing principle as our society is much more geared and rewarding of the masculine.
Finding a mix of these two dynamic qualities allows you to be more effective, expressive and fulfilled in life, plus it is has a huge impact on your sexual life!
Polarity increases sexual play/Friction is sexy- In our sexual lives, the erotic friction- meaning the tension between the two poles- is what makes for chemistry and that spark we all want in our relationships, regardless if we are gay, straight, or bi. You can learn to go back and forth between the energies, helping to balance and add healthy tension to your sex life (the hunt and being hunted, the penetrator and the surrenderer, etc). Learning to animate and distinguish these two aspects of yourself will make these energies available for you to better play with another human being! In most relationships you learn to polarize sexually- fluidly moving from one who is doing to one who is being. By developing facility in all areas of the spectrum you have more options in ways to creatively balance each other! Beauty comes when you can identify a ‘home’ place in which you are naturally joyous while having fluidity and faculty to call upon and bring forth the strengths of each allowing for fuller range of expression, and therefore, more sexual possibility.
Increasing your capacity to experience energy throughout your entire body - it is not about trying to get something right! Your sexual life can be enhanced and transformed by learning to work with your energy. Before diving into how to achieve this, here are a few thoughts on potential pitfalls and considerations in regards to energy control and manipulation:
-There are many schools of thought, and thousands of techniques for achieving non-ejaculatory sex and getting away from orgasm addiction. Often this can come from rigid control of the breath. This may have bad consequences physiologically and psychologically. When people get too focused on their breath they tense their bodies and pelvic floor, which in most people are already plenty tense! It is actually rather counterproductive for many people to impose more structure and tension (in breath and pelvic floor). For those of us who do not have a lot of time to dedicate to mastering tantric techniques, it is more generative to focus on learning to relax and be in gentle attunement with one’s natural physical tendencies.
-According to Michaela and ancient Taoist traditions, there are times when ejaculation is what is needed! Strong rigid measures of control on a man’s natural process can have many other side effects that may negate the fact that he can now last longer. Take it with a grain of salt!
-Bypassing ejaculation can have great impact on achieving full body pleasure orgasms, however beware that the focus on controlling ejaculation doesn’t become another form of larger control that becomes a source of shame, or another way to brutalize oneself. Last thing most couples need is more places of disappointment! Not ejaculating is not that hard to achieve, but it does not necessarily mean you have satisfaction or pleasure in the body or are more emotionally free. Furthermore, “Don’t cum!” can become as much a fixation or obsession as anything else which would lead further away from intimacy.
- For many thousands of years putting control on a human’s sexual urges was one of the main ways of gaining control in society. “Don’t have sex, it is a sin” isn’t much different than “don’t ejaculate it is a spiritual sin”. Be careful with dogmas! These concepts can be very dicey in the wrong hands.
-It isn’t the ejaculate control that is important- it is the ability direct, expand, and circulate energy around your body and learning to lead your arousal peaks, rather than have them lead you. There are many ways to learn to direct energy for increased sexual pleasure.
What is the optimal way that your body can be in a relaxed state so that you can combine yourself with another human, spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically in the optimal way?
Delocalize pleasure: Delocalizing pleasure, meaning moving energy from one’s genitals and expanding it throughout the body, is a wonderful way to increase a sense of pleasure throughout the entire body. There are many ways to do this without having to practice circular breathing or other techniques for 30-50 minute a day! Try touching other parts of your body while you are sexually engaged. Relax the base of your body. Try to feel your extremities while you are in the middle of sexual intercourse. Loosen your shoulders and head to release tension. Loosen all tight areas. Create movement through touch and massage. Don’t make a big TO DO, just relax, breath, move, touch! When you are in the midst of sexual pleasure allow the energy to move through- actually relax, let yourself feel, and allow yourself to receive.
Try this one on: actual intimacy is about actually feeling what is happening.
You can delocalize pleasure not only in your body, but in your life! We are all continually somewhere on the sexual continuum. And sexuality is a constantly flowing energy- it is a matter of one’s capacity to tune in. Sex doesn’t just have to happen in bed (or on the kitchen table!) but can be simply happening when you are making a meal together, walking, or being side by side. This realization, especially when shared with your partner, can create increased sense of pleasure throughout your relationship, and life.
A few practices to help you increase your openness and attunement with your own feminine and masculine energies: In order to get in touch with your pleasure principle try movement! Movement is one of the most beneficial things we humans can do for ourselves. Try shaking it out at least once a day! Pick a song and dance, shake, or move your body in a spontaneous way. Feel how your body wants to move, and let it! Do this while brushing your teeth! Between meetings! First thing in the morning. Exercise is wonderful too, however it is linear and forces habitual patterns. Surprise yourself.
As for getting in touch with the organizing principle, find 5 minutes a day to sit and do nothing at all, not even a meditation practice. Just sit and allow whatever comes up to come up, and be with it. These two simple daily practices offer the opportunity to experience both ends of the spectrum: the pleasuring fullness, and the organizing emptiness.
Feel the pleasure of being alive! And the fullness of being in this moment!
Resources
For more on retreats, somatic education, workshops, and wisdom from Michaela Boehm, please see her website: www.michaelaboehm.com
Enlightened Sex Manual is an alive and evocative book! If and when you read it please send your feedback about how it is impacting your life!
www.neilsattin.com/polarity Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Michaela Boehm - and to qualify to win a free dowload of one of her recordings!
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