Relationship Alive!

How do you stop repeating the old beliefs and actions that are holding you back? How do you ensure that the core part of your inner guidance is sending you in a positive direction? If you find yourself doing the same old dance again and again - either with your current partner or in relationship after relationship, then this is the episode for you. Joining us is Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of the NYT Bestseller Conscious Uncoupling, as well as the bestseller Calling in the One, as a guide through a powerful process of self-discovery. We dive deep into a core part of her work, the “secret sauce” that has helped Katherine transform the lives of so many people worldwide. Katherine Woodward Thomas has been on Relationship Alive a couple times previously. If you’re interested in hearing our other episodes together, they are: Ep 21: Healing Pain from Past or Present Breakups Ep 3: Overcoming Your Barriers to Love and Connection Repeating the story: So often we get into relationships that allow us to recreate old and often painful patterns developed in our childhoods. While this duplication process may partly be in search of healing, it is more due to the fact that we lack the skills to do relationship any differently. Luckily this can shift. We can learn the skills and repair the developmental needs in order to navigate our relationships to the highest potential they hold for our happiness and wellbeing. Getting to the center of it all: We generate our lives from what lives at our center. What core belief about love are you carrying at your center? It is from this belief, often formed in childhood, that we generate our entire experience in the world and in relationship. If your core belief is broken (No one will ever love me, I am unworthy of love, I don’t deserve love), no amount of skills will help remedy. Instead an entirely new center must be found - one that is truer and has more room for positive possibility and growth. It is this excavating of old beliefs that allows us to move from post traumatic stress towards post traumatic growth. Beliefs are relational: Our core beliefs were created in relation to another, and are, thus, also able to be healed through relationship. Remember however, that no one can show up for us in a way that we are not showing up for ourselves. We must teach those around us how to love us by the ways in which we love ourselves. Source fracture wounds: Source fracture wounds are the result of our original experiences of being hurt in love. These experiences, often long forgotten by explicit memory, become so entwined with our entire identity that it may take some time and support to be able to unblend enough to identify them. The body holds beliefs: Our implicit beliefs are held more in our bodies than in our brains. Try closing your eyes for a moment and connecting with your painful pattern in love. How does this experience show up in your body? Is it a heaviness in your heart? A tightness in the stomach? An ache in the solar plexus? Stay connected with it and welcome in the feelings while letting this part of your body tell the story “I am...or I am no...or other people…” Listen. Then ask yourself - how old is this part of me? Allow this dialogue to continue between yourself and this young self. Once you feel like you have really listened in, you can begin to update this young belief with a more mature and validating voice: for example, share with it that you are, in fact, deeply loved by all of life and there is evidence around for how all of life loves you. Once we have discovered the old stories we created long ago, we have the opportunity to mentor and usher in a new perspective. Stay in relationship between yourself and your tender parts: The places in our bodies that hold these beliefs often cause us both emotional and physical pain. This tends to make us want to ignore and shun these areas of our bodies, however it is actually these areas that need the most TLC. Continue to build a relationship between yourself and these tender areas. Place a hand on these parts of yourself and let them know you are there. These parts of ourselves are often lonely, stuck, and waiting for us to liberate them from the story they are trapped in. Talk to yourself! You will likely have a sense of immediate relief. Let your parts know “I am enough, I am a treasure”. This dialogue and honoring allows you to course correct the consciousness of long stagnant and painful thought/feeling networks. Start within. Are you ready and desiring of a new love experience? It may be time to wake up from old trance. In order to step into a more authentic, fulfilling, and growth oriented relationship you must 1) be willing to go deeper, 2) stop being a victim, and 3) begin to reflect on yourself as the source of your own experience with your partner. See yourself as the source:  In what ways are you creating situations that provide more evidence for your source fracture story? We so often covertly pull on others to validate our old stories. This is subtle, subconscious, and because we can’t see how we are manipulating our experiences we are left feeling like others are doing it to us. The truth is that most of the things that we do that lead to toxicity and disappointment are old strategies we developed in childhood to protect ourselves. Predictability, even if negative, is safer than the unknown and so we create situations that give us more evidence for our aloneness/lack of safety/unworthiness or whatever else we believed in order to make sense of the world. Can you reflect with humility and curiosity on the ways that you yourself may be the source of breakdowns in your relationship? Sit in your truth: Given that we create our lives from our center, we must tend this center with care and clarity. Depending on our core belief we are either going to navigate our way into the higher potentials of a relationship or we are going to spiral the potentials downwards into the old story. When we function from our source fracture story we end up choosing people who will predictably play out our old patterns, however when we are able to live from a deeper truth we lose interest in old dramas and become increasingly more attracted to healthy people. Ask empowering questions. Ask the questions that will lead to truth and growth. How am I giving away my power to my partner? How am I treating myself in ways that have trained my partner to treat me this way? By taking responsibility you can enter into a completely new (and likely more honest and productive) conversation with your partner. Enlist your partner: Become evolutionary partners by helping each other grow and wake up to a deeper truth. Ask your partner to give you feedback and insight into ways you might be impacting the dynamic without realizing it. Through honest and humble conversations such as these we begin to turn our relationships into places of safety (rather than needing to tap dance around each other’s wounds). Getting from limbic to cortex: It is inevitable that you and your partner will trigger each other and cause each other to “go limbic”. Once you have gone limbic - all bets are off! Be sure to give yourself timeouts so that your nervous system and brain can come back online. By giving yourself the time necessary to shift back to a regulated state you will be better prepared to engage from your wise adult self. One way to help shift this is through affect labelling. Try taking a deep breath and ask yourself ‘what am I feeling right now?’. Notice and then name the specific emotions. Through mirroring back to yourself your own internal experience you begin to de-escalate the intensity and bring yourself back to center. From here you are better able to choose curiosity and compassion in the face of challenge and imperfections. Both affect labelling and choosing compassion are key skills and relationship muscles needed for growth and repair. Graduate from old patterns: Are you ready for a paradigm shift that will leave you more ready, more open, and more capable of big love? Change starts from setting an intention to have happiness and love. The biggest obstacle to this that many of us face is being blended with the identity of someone who is unworthy of it. Through lovingly and patiently working with the parts of yourself that hold wounded beliefs you are able more accurately fill needs that were unmet when you were younger. As we look more at our own development we are able to recreate the experiences we missed and unravel the old story by replacing it with invalidating experiences that are at once empowering and so needed. This requires vulnerability. As you learn your own true needs and begin to practice communicating this to safe people in your life, you will in turn be welcoming in the evidence of what’s true about you. These are all learnable skills! Practice identifying what was missing, asking for what you need, and allowing yourself to receive. Remember, vulnerability is often the doorway into a place of growth, restoration, and true healing.   Resources:  Interested in Katherine Woodward Thomas’ coaching training? Check it out here!  Read Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life  Also read Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After  Find out more about Katherine Woodward Thomas’ work on her website www.neilsattin.com/kwt3 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Katherine Woodward Thomas  Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook  Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you clear away the energy of your past to help you be present in your life, and relationship? In today’s episode, we talk about a specific process to tie up loose ends, so that they don’t drain your energy here and now. Why let all of those old connections get in the way? After you go through this process, you’ll feel so much lighter, and have more mental and emotional capacity for the current things that matter most. In this week’s episode, I’m building a bridge for you between last week’s episode, with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer - where we talked about Conscious Weddings and the power of making commitments, and next week’s episode, which will feature Katherine Woodward Thomas and a deep dive into transforming your core love identity. Enjoy - and please let me know how it goes for you!

How do you bring magic and consciousness to the way that you commit to your partner? And, if you’re getting married, how do you create a wedding that truly represents YOU - not simply what society expects a wedding to be? Plus - is there a way to imbue your commitment with dynamic energy - instead of feeling confined, and stagnant? It today’s episode, our guests are Lila Sophia and David Tresemer, the authors of Conscious Wedding Handbook, and producers of the DVD Couples Illumination: Creating a Conscious Partnership. Along with answering these questions, we chat about how to develop deep, sacred alignment with our partners - and how to create space for the “Sacred Moment” to occur - in your weddings and rituals, as well as life in general!  We need to be engaged: It is not quite enough to just want to be happy and ‘do life’. In order to be fulfilled in our lives and in our relationships it is critical to engage in discovering and committing to that which gives a sense of a deeper and more expansive meaning. Begin, as a couple, to ask questions such as: What are our values? What new project do we we want to undertake? What kind of social spiritual activism can we engage in? How can we deepen in ourselves and create meaning as a couple? In order to sustain vibrancy as a couple it is important to be proactive and engaged. Use the support of your sacred union to do this!  Promote curiosity: We never want to lose sight of the magic of ourselves and our partners. One way to build curiosity is through something called repeated questioning. Repeated questions are based on a foundational belief that there is always a deeper layer to access. When you keep repeating the question you will get different responses. As the automatic answers are heard, and you continue to ask for further layers, you become capable of accessing a more mystical realm. This exercise promotes intense curiosity and deep listening.  Repeated Questioning: Start off simply! In an attempt to practice this exercise, begin with something as innocuous as “what is your favorite dessert?”  The questioner/coach ALWAYS says “thank you”, and then repeats the question- “what is your favorite dessert?” Go for about 3 minutes, and then switch. You will begin to discover things that are below the obvious and are true discoveries. Let it flow! After the exercise, be sure to take a moment to integrate through writing. What did we learn? What surprised us?  “What is relationship for?”: Ask this question, and then repeat. Ask again. And again. Explore. Listen. Allow innate wisdom to come through. This is especially great to do with your partner so you can discover and delight in new awarenesses together.  Cultivate equanimity:  This exercise is not about fixing, judging, or changing your partner. It is about deeply listening in and holding space for something new to emerge. This is a nurturing exercise, rather than a manipulating or manifesting one. Stay present, stay curious, and stay open. If you find yourself taking answers personally, or becoming emotionally charged, try to come back to the basics of the exercise. If you cannot connect back with your open self, pause and recalibrate- finding regulation either with the support of your partner or by taking a break by yourself.  1, 2, Oneness. Through a dynamic partnership with another human being love can find a home in a way that leads to very astonishing experiences. This connection can be called ‘one-ness’- that sense of being in touch with creation itself. While this togetherness is incredibly powerful and juicy, it is critical that we continue to cultivate our own one-ness. We must be able to be sovereign individuals who would be happy to live on our own, and from this sense of inner stability choose to join with another to become a 2. If this is not the case we may find that we are choosing our partner because we are looking for a cure (and we do NOT marry our doctors). We do not thrive in love when our brokenness chooses our relationships. Choose from wholeness, whatever that might mean to you in any given moment.  Tender territory. Every couple must learn to recognize that each individual needs to be accountable to their own sense of wholeness and sovereignty. From this knowing they are far better equipped for connection versus conflict. From wholeness each person can use their tools to best help navigate difficult territory with the intention of collaborative repair instead of a place of needing to be right or prove themselves. Learn to take care of your own triggers. Learn to take responsibility for yourself when you are in reactivity. After a disruption remember to join forces again to reflect together on how to do it better next time. And of course, be sure this is a loving conversation in which you both show up with curiosity, rather than with blame and shame.  Cultivating a sense of wholeness: Is total wholeness a prerequisite for being in a relationship? This is an important question, however there is not one right answer. Plus, to think that we can only come into relationship when we are completely whole would likely eliminate a lot of weddings!  It will always be true that we always have more of our individual work to do. And it is always true that we are always in relationship. There are cycles in personal growth that one constantly goes through, and it is not a linear path to wholeness.  What is necessary is that we are able to have enough self awareness to know how to check in with ourselves and ask what we might need in any given moment. Do I need to go into a 10 day solo retreat? Do I need to go away with my partner for a vacation?  Do I simply need to walk out of the room right now?  Relationships are for mutual support! Magical things can happen through relationship  with another human being!  Part of this magic is the gift you receive from your significant other’s support for you to do your own work. Through supportive partnership you can stand shoulder to shoulder and assist each other in growing into your individuality in more authentic and expansive ways. The learning may be filled with light and love, or perhaps hurt and frustration. All relationships (INCLUDING those that end) offer opportunities for growth and learning. Cultivate gratitude for the supportive aspects of your partnership as this can become a resource yard to visit in challenging times.  Twin flames. Whether you are single, dating, or prepping for marriage it is worth checking out your inherited views on how to know if someone is right for you. Do you find yourself believing in the concept of twin flames? Soul mates? Prince charming? Happily ever after? And how do these concepts affect you? Are there certain idealizations or expectations that you may need to let go of or dissolve in order to be open to that which is in front of you? Or perhaps you just need to edit/reinvent an ideal to help reinforce your faith and knowing?  Celebrate and care-take the jitters: Almost everyone stepping into big commitment has and will experience ‘the jitters’. This phenomenon is NOT necessarily a sign that something is wrong. These jitters are simply anxiety, and anxiety is just energy that is trying to communicate something to you. Don’t suppress it- instead, work with it. Breathe into it, take it to the gym... try to help it find its shape and form because it is here to assist you in growing. Having this (often pre-wedding) anxiety can be unpleasant and uncomfortable, however it is here because you are working with the unknown. By respecting this, you get to celebrate the jitters as it means that things are happening!  Forever: Have you been married before and wondering how to trust your sense of ‘foreverness’ as you prepare to marry again? Does the word ‘forever’ bring you comfort, or discomfort? It can be helpful to explore your sense and assumptions of the word before entering into marriage. Can you connect with foreverness as being more about a space and experience beyond time? A mythical conceptual form that helps us reach towards bliss and creative power and invokes something greater? As mortals we cannot promise foreverness, so how can we redefine this term in a way that brings bigness into the wedding, without having it become a binding or limiting paradigm?  Reframe failure:  Not all relationships will be lifelong. Not all relationships should continue. Exploring what this might mean in your own partnership before the wedding is a mature and loving undertaking. Dealing with the possibility of future splitting up front is as real as it gets.  If we enter consciously into relationships, then there is the possibility to end consciously as well. What conversations or steps do you need to take together to not make divorce a taboo? While this can be daunting territory to bring into a pre-wedding process, couples who do discuss future possibilities report feeling much more secure, trusting, and able to navigate the challenges that do arise. NOTE: It can be very helpful to seek out the support and services of a third party, such as a mediator skilled with creating prenuptial agreements, to help you answer questions without going into a fear-based place.  Conflict WILL occur: As soon as the possibility of divorce/separation is safely introduced into a partnership, couples are much more able to navigate conflict. Conflict WILL occur (actually we should all hope it does so that we can keep learning and growing). Unfortunately many people are terrified of conflict because they believe it might result in separation, and thus they take many harmful steps to avoid, suppress, or appease important areas of tension. What if, instead, you can recognize that you need to be able to harness the energy of conflict to help break through to the other side? Can you craft a ship for your relationship that is as watertight as possible to weather the inevitable storms? Build resiliency through having a well crafted contract, good tools, and deep love. And be sure to create a constellation of shared values and visions to help you navigate the stormy times.  In whose name? In whose name is a question that helps identify this constellation. What is highest vibration that you associate with your relationship? The core intention? The answer may be religious, or it may be spiritual. Is it compassion? Love? Service to humanity? Awakened awareness? Truth? Find that which inspires both of you to connect with something greater. This greatness will then be there to sustain you through the challenges.  The sacred moment:  Sacredness cannot be manufactured. Sacredness cannot be ordered, planned, or guaranteed. And yet, sacredness belongs in your wedding, just as much as it belongs in your marriage. Weddings are one of the last remaining ceremonies in modern Western cultures, and are largely defined at this point by consumerism. Look closely at ways you may be being influenced by the wedding industry’s expectations, and look closer in at your own desires for the ceremony. The wedding ceremony is truly an opportunity for a transformational experience. While we cannot force sacred moments to occur, we can set intentions and create containers and temples to allow for what is real to emerge. Work with whomever is marrying you to find ways throughout the ceremony to leave space for spontaneity. By bringing in intention and invoking that magic can happen is the key to it actually happening. It is not in the words as much as it is in the space between the words. It is less about having the most perfectly crafted wedding plan, as it is about laughing during the mistakes. Be sure to choose a celebrant who can hold the ceremony in a way that lets you let go! This will allow you, and all of your guests, to relax into the felt sense that something significant IS happening. Remember, you can’t force it- you can simply invite love in, and if you make the needed space, it will show up- and often in the oddest and funniest and most unexpectedly delicious way!  Sweet silence: Safe silence is one of the greatest gifts we can share with someone we love. Invoke and celebrate this by allowing moments of silence in your wedding ceremony. Silence can be the pregnant moment gives just enough time for sacredness to sneak in.   Resources:  Find a specialized gift for you on their website here:  http://www.illuminatedrelationships.com/neil  Read David and Lila Sophia Tresemers’ book: Conscious Wedding Handbook  Check out their courses on their Illuminated Relationships website  Find out more about their work here  on their website  Check out their DVD: Couple’s Illumination: Creating a Conscious Partnership  www.neilsattin.com/wedding Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer  Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook  Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out  

When someone gives you a gift, what do you do? Do you stick it in the closet and wait for a rainy day? Or do you open it, and appreciate it, right then and there? Whether things are going well for you right now, or you're stuck in something less-than-awesome, this week's episode offers you a simple practice that can help amplify the good things - and find the grain of hope in any situation, no matter how dismal.  After all, it's often not the big things that matter - it's the simple things, the simple gifts, that keep us fueled in connection - connection to the things that matter most in life. Also make sure that you check out last week's episode with Erica Ariel Fox, on how to Create New Possibility from the Inside Out - based on her New York Times bestselling book, Winning from Within. Next week, we'll be chatting about the power of conscious commitment ceremonies, with David and Lila Sophia Tresemer, authors of The Conscious Wedding Handbook. So enjoy this week's "simple gift" and see you next week!

How do you get better at being you? How do you get past the stuck points - that gap between what you know you could/should do - and what you actually do? We have a vast amount of inner resource available to us to help get unstuck and learn new ways of showing up - and today we’re going to bring that resource online. Our guest is Erica Ariel Fox, author of the New York Times Bestseller Winning from Within. Erica is part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, and her book follows up where Difficult Conversations leaves off - addressing that question of “How come this still isn’t working even though I know what I’m supposed to do?” Often, it comes down to the inner work that needs to be done - so that the outer strategies can actually be effective for you. (if you’re curious - you can listen to our interview with Sheila Heen, one of the authors of Difficult Conversations, here in Episode 59) So - where do you start when you’re trying to figure out why what ought to be working...isn’t? How do you figure out what parts of you need attention, growth, and development? Let’s dive in!! Identify the performance gap: All of us have experienced times in which our behavior and actions were incongruent with what we wished we were doing or knew that we were capable of. Instead of being the reflective listener in a conversation you find yourself yelling… Instead of taking that walk you find yourself sitting eating the last of the cookies… Everyone of us has moments in which we know what to do, but do not do it. Can you notice these moments? Can you have a lookout part that observes the gap between intention and action? And can you work to separate this awareness from a judging part? Talk to yourself! The process of going inside and checking in is critical in building self-awareness so that we can make new choices in how we relate to ourselves and the world. Slow down and begin listening in on your internal thought life. Are you constantly criticizing yourself? Judging others? Is your mind filled with gratitudes or grumblings? Mindfulness moments: Make these internal life pulse checks frequent rituals. Perhaps you choose to check in every hour on the hour to see what you are thinking, feeling, doing, needing, and wanting. Taking intentional pauses to check in with your physiology and inner life leads to an increased sense of curiosity - the key catalyst for change. By listening with curiosity to the story you have of yourself at any given moment you begin to open to the possibility of growth and aliveness. Centering on the continuum: As you turn inward can you find the 4 big archetypes? They are the Thinker, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Dreamer. Each one of us holds these four ways of navigating life and the world around us, however they may be elevated or deflated at any given moment. There is a middle ground with all of these- and we are constantly working with these parts to integrate them into a balanced whole. When centered these parts of ourselves are helpful, and can begin to give us counsel. Tune in regularly to see which parts are silenced, and which parts are on overdrive. By checking in on the status of these archetypes inside ourselves we can gather a lot of information regarding what we need more or less of. The Thinker: A centered thinker collects information, synthesizes, finds logical answers, and remains open to changing their thinking. An elevated thinker might think they know the answer. They might stay convinced they are right and remain closed off to other perspectives. A deflated thinker is someone who doesn’t think their ideas matter at all. They are constantly questioning themselves, filled with doubt, and are rarely able to stand up for their ideas. The Warrior: The warrior is the assertive part of ourselves. If inflated it becomes aggressive, if deflated it makes us avoid conflict and confrontation. The Lover: The lover is the part of us that has emotional intelligence and is naturally inclined towards relationships. If this part is inflated we may become emotionally flooded and too dependent on relationships. If the lover in us is deflated we may devalue our emotions, and become distrustful of the emotional urges we have. The Dreamer: The dreamer is the part of us that is connected with our imagination and with envisioning the future. It helps us get excited about the future, about possibilities, and helps steer us to what is next. If the dreamer is inflated we may become ungrounded and unrealistic. An inflated dreamer gets too far ahead too fast. A deflated dreamer feels lost with no sense of purpose or direction. The Lookout: As we’ve already mentioned, this is the part of you that can be aware of patterns that are going on, who can assess which of your Big 4 is in the limelight (and which ones are lurking in the shadows). Your lookout helps you assess any situation and determine which of your Big 4 might need to step up more fully (and which might want to step back a bit) - as well as to notice the larger dynamics at work. The Captain: In addition to the Big 4- we each have a captain. We want the captain at the helm, and the big 4 as passengers. The captain represents our capacity for high level functioning and integration. The captain helps us self-regulate and be conscious in our choices. Take advice from the advisory council: If you are feeling uncertain about how to best navigate a process or a decision, try sitting down with a piece of paper and asking each of your big 4 if they have any advice for you. What is their perspective? What is their best advice to the captain? Then write from the captain’s perspective. - take in advice from advisory council. So much insight can come from honoring the ‘advisory council’ with your attention and attunement.   Engage with your inner life. Running away or ignoring your inner life is dangerous and is very unlikely to help you in making good choices in relationships, work life, or community. Can you instead begin to engage in a genuinely open dialogue with yourself and all the different parts of yourself? Make it concrete: In an effort to remain engaged with your inner life it can be helpful to have external reminders. Get creative! Find several small symbolic items to help represent the Big 4 and place them around your space. Imagine small altars that remind you to pause and check in. Finding what might represent each part is in itself a great way to get to know these parts of you more deeply. Move around: Another important way to connect with the quality of each part is to move your body in ways that help you access this part. Take on the body posture of each part. By embodying each one individually with intention and attention you can begin to tap into the mood, values, perspective, and energy of the archetype. From here you can begin to gather their wisdom somatically and then integrate it emotionally and intellectually. The Voyager- Another important archetype to recognize and cultivate in ourselves is that of the voyager. The voyager is a part of us that we can activate in order to help us on the path of exploration. It embodies a growth-oriented mindset and inspires us to remain curious, and to continually follow our impulse to learn. Invite the Dreamer to help inspire hope: When our relationships get in a rut it is often because we have become stuck in a limiting set of dynamics and patterns. We reenact the same conflicts and conversations over and over again- sometimes without awareness. The Dreamer helps break these cycles by inspiring us to ask what is possible. When one partner begins to engage with the relationship from a Dreamer perspective, the entire dynamic can shift. Many of us are longing, perhaps subconsciously, for this part of our partner to show up. When it does, we can experience incredible relief and revived hope as it shows us that our partner is in a place of curiosity, openness, and engagement with the future. By taking some time to check-in with the Dreamer, you are investing energy in helping imbue your relationship with that critical sense of possibility that creates safety and spark!   Resources: Check out Erica Ariel Fox’s website here Take a FREE survey of your Big 4 Read Erica Ariel Fox’s NY Times Best-Selling book Winning from Within www.neilsattin.com/within Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Erica Ariel Fox Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you get better at being in relationships?  How do you create different experiences than you have had in the past (especially after the honeymoon stage has run its course)? How do you continue to deepen the intimacy and joy in your relationship when your attention is being drawn in so many other directions? In this episode, I introduce you to something I call "deeper relating", and how developing these skills allow you to tap into each other’s creativity and resourcefulness. It’s a key skill in taking your relationship to a completely new place, where you and your partner get to continually discover each other.

There’s a particularly sticky place that comes up in most relationships. It’s the place where your deep desires meet your partner’s fear and resistance - and vice versa. How do you unravel this dynamic, to experience the magic that lies on the other side? That’s what we’re going to cover in today’s episode with Hedy Schleifer. Hedy, the co-creator of Encounter-centered Couples Therapy, is going to describe what she calls “Unraveling the Survival Knot”. In this process, you get to uncover the gift that lies deep within the core of your relationship. The Survival Knot could seem like an impasse at first, but then it becomes a source of profound connection, growth, understanding, and healing for your relationship. If you are curious to hear our first episode with Hedy Schleifer, you can listen to it here: Ep 69 - How to Be Completely Alive in Your Relationship. It’s not a prerequisite, but in many ways it sets the stage for today’s episode, so make sure you do check it out. Unraveling the Survival knot: Every relationship has a survival knot, and it most likely needs unravelling. A survival knot is that place in relationship in which one partner’s deepest and most profound longing meets the other’s unconscious place of resistance and defensiveness. And vice versa. This is an (almost always) unconscious impasse. It is at this impasse where we are the most defensive (sometimes offensive!) without actually knowing how or why we are becoming protective. Staying stuck in the survival knot means that we are learning to adapt and cope, instead of acknowledging and living! Coping occurs when we are in a fearful and isolated mode, while living and thriving occurs in connection. Tough love: The optimistic truth is that once we have uncovered the survival knot, we can begin to unravel it. Unravelling only occurs in an environment of safety. Safety, however, does not mean easy or comfortable. In fact, it is required to be able to enter into and share our toughest neighborhoods (those places in our life and psyche we are the most ashamed/uncomfortable/afraid) with our partners. It takes courage to welcome discomfort, however it is possible to create a situation in which you are each being so present for the struggle that you can experience delight in the vulnerability. Plasticity provides possibility. The concept and science of neuroplasticity (the ability for the brain to change due to new neural networking) reminds us that we CAN transform ourselves and our experiences. In couple’s counseling, or intensive exploration and processing, it is possible to juxtapose past trauma and/or old negative thought patterns with a present experience of compassion and safety that allows for the brain to reintegrate the past in new and healthy ways. When our past wounds are exposed in the presence of a loving, nurturing, and validating other we are able to allow the brain to update the meaning making of events and core beliefs in ways that promote and restore freedom, growth, and confidence. The map: Imagine your inner world as a map consisting of different neighborhoods. There are the precious neighborhoods where you may feel your essence, or feel passionate and alive. There are mysterious neighborhoods which have yet to be discovered or explored. And there are the tough neighborhoods which we are too scared to go to. Our map is simultaneously static and constantly expanding. As you observe your reactions, your patterns, what excites you, etc. you can begin to fill in this map with increased detail. Have fun with this, and don’t forget to name your neighborhoods! What is the name of your toughest neighborhood when it comes to your relationship? Take time to consider the places in your relationship in which you experience and encounter the most fear, anger, disappointment, resentment. Give this whole experience (cocktail of emotion) a one or two word name. For example, is it Never enough. Left out. Not appreciated. Despair. Or, Betrayal? This name is important as it can symbolize and contain a whole layered experience which allows it to become something tangible enough to enter and explore. For too many of us, and for too long, this neighborhood goes unnamed, and therefore mostly ignored. This leads to blight on both a personal and partnership level. Full presence: As you begin to name your neighborhoods, and prepare to invite each other in as hosts and visitors, it is critical to build your capacity to stay present with one another. There is a visceral and embodied experience that can be felt when you are in full presence, versus just ‘being there’. In full presence you will find delight! Allow yourself to be so open to your partner that even when they are sharing difficult and painful feelings, you can be filled with awe, versus guard and defense. Generative listening: There are 4 different types of listening. There is factual listening, habitual listening, empathic listening, and generative listening. The latter is a form of listening that is on a very different dimension than the others- it is a listening that requires and involves one whole person listening to another whole person. It is listening with everything we’ve got: our heart, mind, and body. It requires a full openness and the intention of attuning to everything, at once. Generative listening is an internal, integrative, and intuitive experience of listening for the spiritual and emotional meaning being communicated on a very deep level.   Listen to the 93%: Research shows that we say most of what we need to communicate without words. In fact, only 7% of communication relies on words! The other 93% is everything else- landscape of the face, tone of the voice, color of the cheeks, body language… As a listener begin to hone your ability to attune to how your partner is speaking before focusing on the words. Only with generative listening will your partner reveal themselves. The more present you truly are, the more authentic and open your partner will become both to themselves and to you. Speak the essence: As a host, it is your responsibility to tell the truth. By speaking with raw honesty you will come to the core of what you are inviting the other to visit. The truth is not complex or very layered - in fact, as a host you should strive to say your truth in 5 words or less. Speak the essence. Words, especially when there are many of them, actually cover the core truth of what we need to communicate, versus help articulate it. This level of truth speaking requires authenticity, vulnerability and transparency.   The art of visiting: It is inevitable that you will, sooner or later, become triggered while visiting your partner’s toughest neighborhood. Hone your awareness of the sensation of being pulled out of connection (returning to old patterns of anger, sadness, overwhelm, shutdown, etc) so that you can catch yourself and return to presence. Choosing to return is a powerful act of commitment and love - in fact, the coming back is as healing for our partner to experience as the staying there is. Celebrate moments of “I don’t know”. While the visitor’s main responsibility is full presence, the host’s main responsibility is honesty. Work towards becoming so truthful and transparent that you get to layers and places in your neighborhoods that you have yet to know. If you speak with full authenticity you WILL get to the point where you actually do not now what to say- and this is the best place to be! It is the places we don’t yet know that become entrances into completely new understandings and awarenesses. Implicit memories: One very important task in order to get to new places in our neighborhoods is to work with implicit memory. Our past is a silent voter in our apparent present. Implicit memories stored in our conscience are always weighing in on our experience of the now, and thus constantly influencing how we relate to others. We need to acknowledge this, because if not, they will continue to vote without our awareness! Making implicit memories become explicit means that they are no longer ruling our relationship without our knowing. This process is best facilitated with the support of a therapist or spiritual guide/practice. Main Square: Somewhere at the center of our toughest neighborhood, where “I don’t know” is discovered, there is something called the Main Square. This is that most core statement that one voiced has an overall visceral sensation of “this is my truth”. It is a life giving statement that has been needed to be spoken since you were a child - you will feel its potency right away. It is from this core truth that you can begin to rebuild your neighborhood in a more authentic and generative way. Reflect, reflect, reflect: Whether with the support of a therapist, a guide, a spiritual practice, or solo journaling continue to ask the big beautiful questions that help you find your core reason for living and for love. Relationships are difficult regardless, but made excruciatingly difficult when we have lost a sense of our core and highest purpose of being in partnership. What is it you are most desiring in your relationship? Why are you in partnership in the first place? What is it you want from your life and your partnership? Strive to verbalize the answers to these questions - knowing that they will evolve and change over time. Furthermore, as you move through challenges and struggles and growth in your relationship, take time to ask the following 4 questions: What have I learned? What do I know now more but in a deeper way? What has surprised me? What has intrigued me? Live the adventure: Your relationship is not a problem to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived. What becomes possible when you put your energy into the service of love and connection versus into the effort for survival? Equip yourself for love as an adventure with the resources, the know-how, and the communication skills needed. By making a paradigm shift to this being a hero’s journey, we can open ourselves up to experiencing challenges as opportunities. We find more delight than despair, and more moments for creative problem solving. Get support and stay committed: It takes time and holding to dance a new dance. Entering into full exploration with your partner require committing to a continual learning process. The more you discover, however, the more opportunities you will have to recreate your neighborhoods in ways that are liberating and re-energizing. Be willing to get support for this remapping process, especially for when you first enter into the toughest neighborhoods together. Once you have gotten to the Main Square, and dealt with implicit memories, you will begin to feel as though you can truly start redesigning your relationship. Some dynamic and behavior shifts will be automatic, and others will require daily intention. Ask each other- what do we need to do, in general and today, to go down the Avenue of Big Love? Resources: Check out Hedy Schleifer’s website for resources, upcoming workshops, and more! Want more help? Reach out to Hedy for a private 2 day couple’s intensive session Enroll in Encounter Couple’s Therapy training program. www.neilsattin.com/encounter2 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Hedy Schleifer Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

What’s the recipe for success in a long distance relationship? How do you stay connected when you’re apart? And how do you handle the times when you’re together so that they’re less intense? In today’s episode, I tackle the topic of how to bring balance to a long distance relationship. My goal is for you to get some new insights into where your relationship might be doing well - and where it could use some help. What was interesting to me in recording this episode was realizing that so many of these hints are helpful for ANY relationship - even when we’re not separated by miles. In fact, it’s possible that you live your life as if you ARE in a long distance relationship, even if you see your partner every day. In this episode I also answer a listener’s question about what to do when it seems like your partner needs “too much” space. So whether your relationship is taking place over the miles (or kilometers), or you’re in the same town, or the same bedroom - today’s episode is for you, to help you build connection despite the space, and manage the highs and lows of your togetherness. If the Relationship Alive podcast is helpful for you and you’d like to ensure that it continues, please consider supporting us through a monthly or one-time donation. You can visit http://www.neilsattin.com/support or text the word “SUPPORT” to 33444 to find out more. Thank you!

Why do we love? Is it part of human evolution? What in our biology makes us strive for love and intimacy? And how do we make it last? This week we welcome Dr. Helen Fisher, TED talk all-start and author of Anatomy of Love - A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray. In this episode we dive head first into how long-term partnerships fit into what makes us human - along with some thoughts about breaking up, serial monogamy, and what makes love last. Helen Fisher is the Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com as well as a Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute. You’ll appreciate how her knowledge of the science of love can give us the roadmap to long-lasting happiness in relationship. We are built to fall in love. Is the quest for long-term thriving monogamy futile? History, biology, and evolution show us that we are, in fact, built to create pair bonds. We are built to fall in love. Our brains are wired to feel intense feelings of romantic love and attachment. While there is biology to support attachment structures, there is also biology to support the drive to wander, and to cheat. To reconcile these concepts it is important to know that pair bonding is different than monogamy. Every individual, couple, and culture needs to figure out how to navigate what attachment in the context of romantic love means. Serial monogamy? In hunting and gathering societies serial monogamy was not necessarily the golden standard or expectation for coupling. However, women and men tended to have 2-3 spouses during the course of their lives. We have most likely evolved to have a series of partnerships throughout our lives. While culture plays a major role in how this is expressed, we see it happening more and more in people in their 20s and 30s.  Before tying the knot.  Research shows that over 50% of single Americans have had a one night stand or friends with benefits. This is not reckless, in fact, it very well might be helping establish healthier marriages. There is a current trend in the United States in which the pre-commitment stage of relationships is being extended. 67% of people who live with their significant other say they have not married yet because they are worried about divorce. That said, 81% of people who married later say they would marry the same person again if they had a second chance. The longer you are together pre-marriage, the more likely you are to try to stick together, and this results in a sharp decrease in divorce rates. This is true because the time spent together gives you the chance to really know who you are marrying, and give the relationship time to work itself out, or not.  4 year itch- Data shows that most people will divorce around 3-4 years of marriage. This is likely no coincidence. It takes 3-4 years to raise a child through infancy, and it seems evolutionarily beneficial to have evolved a predisposition for serial pair bonding linked with having one child at a time, and then to seek another partner as an adaptive strategy evolutionarily to have kids with different partners, creating genetic variety. Rebuilding local community- We may be putting too much pressure and improbably expectations on our partnerships due to the fact that we have lost local community. It used to be that marriages were surrounded by family and community and could depend on help from others to help raise children. The loss of local community is a very serious issue facing contemporary marriages, and it is very important that we focus on rebuilding these social networks. Find, create, nurture, and invest in your friendship circles as an extension of and protection for, your primary relationship. Happiness in the brain: Research results from the study of people in long term self-reported happy marriages shows an increase in activity in 3 brain regions. These three areas serve to facilitate the function of 1) empathy, 2) controlling our emotions, and 3) increasing our ability to overlook what we do not like about our partner and focus on what we do like (aka positive illusion). In order to keep all three of these basic brain systems alive it is important to do the following “magic combo”. The Magic Combo: Keep the romance alive with NOVELTY: Novelty drives up dopamine in thebrain and can foster intense feelings of romantic love. Keep the feelings of deep attachment by STAYING IN TOUCH: Hold hands, sit together on the couch, walk arm in arm, sleep in each other’s arms… Anytime that you are in pleasant touch with someone you are driving up oxytocin levels which fosters the feeling of deep attachment. Keep the sex drive alive by… having SEX: Sex is good for the body, the mind, and for the relationship. Pleasant and sensual stimulation and orgasm drives up dopamine and oxytocin levels in the brain therefore impacting both the sense of romantic love connection and deep attachment so critical for maintaining long-term partnerships. Positive illusions: Our brains are very well built for deception. Use this to your advantage! Train your brain by using mindfulness and gratitude practices in order to have more control over what you focus on, and what you overlook. You can really build more capacity for attraction and love for your partner by increasing your ability and capability to shift how you see them. Instead of ruminating on the way your partner doesn’t do their morning dishes, choose to appreciate the cup of coffee they made you, etc… Understand each other on a biological level. We are naturally drawn to some people rather than others, and much of this attraction is dependent on hormones and chemicals. The more you get to know different aspects of personality, and study your partner, the more you can give and get what each of you needs. Are they high testosterone? High estrogen? Low serotonin? High serotonin? Knowing each other on a biological level helps to turn differences into things to be celebrated, versus sources of consternation and frustration. NOTE: Check out Helen Fisher’s quiz to figure this out below in the resource section. Is technology changing the way we love? Dr. Helen Fisher posits that while technology is drastically changing the way we court, it cannot and is not changing the basic brain mechanics of how humans form attachments. She sees technology as helping, or hindering, relationship forming, and this is especially true for older citizens. Deep relating: Continue to find ways together, and apart to nourish intimacy. This is likely going to require a constant balancing act of individual and partnership needs. Make time for deep relating, for it is in this time that you get to know and understand your partner in the ways they want to be understood, and then you can truly give them what they need. At the same time it is key that you continue to support each other’s individual and independent growth so as not to get over dependent or create claustrophobia within the coupledom. In a good relationship everyone feels like they’ve got a good deal and that it is balanced. Strive to create this sense of fulfilment for each other! Resources: Read Helen Fisher’s book Anatomy of Love and check out her other books too! Take Helen Fisher’s quizzes here Check out Helen Fisher’s speeches and articles on her website Watch Dr. Helen Fisher’s TED talk The Brain In Love www.neilsattin.com/helen Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Helen Fisher Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you know if someone is right for you? Whether you're dating and trying to figure it out, or finding yourself second-guessing your choice of partner - this episode is for you! My goal is for you to have some new ways of answering this question for yourself, to get you to a deeper level of understanding. In some respects, the answer to this question is going to be unique to every situation. What follows in this episode are some general principles that will help you get more clarity and figure out your next steps when you're asking yourself "How do I know if this person is right for me?" I also talk about some practical ways to bring up the conversation with your partner (if you're in a relationship) in a way that will lead to the best possible outcome.