Relationship Alive!

Do you feel like there are some things that you just can’t ask for? How do you get what you truly need in relationship? And how do you navigate to true win/win solutions in a relationship where you and your partner feel excited by what you’ve created together, instead of feeling drained by compromise? In today’s episode, you’re going to learn a unique approach to getting your needs met, and getting your partner’s needs met. Instead of using a psychological approach, today’s guest, Max Rivers, is going to show you how to use the skills of mediation to breathe new life into your connection. In addition, through Max’s unique application of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (which he calls “Embodied Nonviolent Communication”), you’ll discover another secret ingredient to effective communication within your relationship. Max Rivers is a trained mediator who teaches these skills to couples in a series of six classes. His forthcoming new book, Tired of the Same Old Argument, makes his concepts easy to understand and put into practice. And, of course, I’m excited to introduce him to you!   Why mediation? For those of you who may be frustrated with traditional couple’s counseling, mediation may be a more efficient and effective intervention for you. In psychotherapy couples can sometimes get stuck in a pattern of judgement in which they over-diagnose their partner. Furthermore, it can be much faster to go straight for the present needs and building conflict skills than it is to explore the psychological phenomenon that brought the conflict about in the first place. Mediation focuses on creating win/win solutions in which both parties work towards resolution. Resolution occurs when everyone is able to identify and communicate their needs- so much so that their needs are satisfied.   What do we mean by needs? Needs are not behaviors, not wants, nor do they refer to other people. Needs instead are our deep truths and speak to the places where our existential satisfaction lies. Needs have certain qualities- they are always positive in their intention, life affirming, and they are the relative and definitive truth of the person they belong to. Needs are the junction box inside our body where our universal and incredibly personal truths live. Know that you are carrying this box of greater wisdom everywhere you go. When we are able to drop down out of story, under the judgements and the thinking, we can come to find a felt sensation of our knowing.   Into me you see: The word intimacy can be broken down into the sentence: into me you see. Intimacy is created when we let another person see deeply into our heart’s desire and we show curiosity and interest in seeing into them. Dropping into an embodied sense of our own truth and then sharing it creates an increased connection. This connection alone is nearly 90% of the solution to conflict resolution! As Max Rivers says: “any two people with open minds and open hearts can solve any problem that comes in front of them”.   What is alive in me right now? It may take some practice and learning to be able to find your own needs. It is not that it is hard, rather that it is a turning towards ourselves in moments we have become habituated to turn outward. Remember that our needs do not communicate to us through words but rather through our feelings that arise from bodily sensations. Go to the body to listen. It is not what you are thinking but what you are feeling that has potency and can become a portal to clearer awareness of your deeper needs in any given moment.   Judgements: We are all guilty of hurling insults, blames, and judgements at our partner in moments of disappointment, rage, hurt, and pain. Why do we do this? Most often it is a tragic attempt to have our unmet needs discovered. They are our way of trying to poke and pry and push our partner into discovering our needs, however, because they communicate with such violence and damage they leave us alone, distant, hurt and in conflict. Make a radical choice to trust and believe that every judgement either you or your partner hurls at one another is actually a statement of needs disguised in the opposite form. From this perspective, you can begin to learn to listen to a judgement and recognize it as having no information about the other, but rather a trail into what the speaker is needing. Listen for what is underneath and ask yourselves: what is the reverse of this judgment?   Going straight for the anger. Know that other people do not cause our feelings. Perhaps try repeating this to yourself several times and letting it soak in. It is futile and ultimately frustrating to keep ourselves and our partners stuck in the shame and blame game. We must take the time to go past our stories and our histories and get straight to what is present right now for us. And then it is our responsibility to communicate our needs. Anger is frustration plus time, and the best way to avoid increasing resentment and rage is to communicate clearly and often. Your anger is yours! The intensity of your anger does not implicate the limitations of your partner (as we so often assume) but rather implicates you for not taking the responsibility of communicating openly. To move away from anger it is critical that we continuously tend to our subtle body sensations in the present moment, and speak to these. And it is so worth it! Not only will you avoid resentment, but you will be giving your partner an opportunity to fulfill your needs and this gives THEM pleasure as well!   Forbidden needs: Many of our conflicts arise from a frustrated and often violent attempt to satisfy our needs. All of us are carrying an embodied experience of having needs that went unmet in our childhoods and our earlier relationships. When needs go unmet for an extended time we conclude that these needs are forbidden either because they are inherently bad, or because it means that something is wrong with us for having the desire, or that there is another reason that nobody wants to meet the need. Due to the forbidden nature of these particular needs we try our damn best to live as though we do not need these needs. Our psyche tries hard to help us shun these needs, however, in doing so we get into a bind in which we reverse the content of the needs and we communicate the opposite of the want. We say “you are so cold” when we want warmth. We say “you don’t give me any space” when we want closeness. And on and on.   Make a feeling guess: As a partner when we hear these intense judgements it is easy to react and attack. Remember that these defensive and often offensive remarks really are NOT about you! Try your best to duck below the judgement and attempt to get curious about what need is being spoken for. Without ego, attempt to guess the opposite! If your partner is telling you that you suck at washing the dishes, perhaps they are really needing you to either thank them for their efforts or show them support around the home in another way. Make it your goal in moments of conflict to turn towards your partner with empathy, curiosity, and presence. Use questions to go under the leaves to find the truffles- help them get out of the past and the future, out of the story and the judgements and into their body. This process of embodied non-violent communication allows you and your partner to efficiently (and lovingly) get to the core of what is most true for them- shedding light on information that is crucial for both of you.   Moving from conflict to connection: Moving from conflict to connection requires this sorting through judgements and content to get to the deeper truths. In order to do this we 1) must observe and notice what is happening in and around us, 2) see what it is we are feeling, 3) identify the underlying need, and 4) breathe into these feelings. Breathing into the sensations in our body helps enlarge them so that we may find what is alive in there- what is it that is being communicated to us? What do these needs want from us? Remember that there will be a time to share and express what you discover with your partner, but not before you listen yourself. We can become habituated in relationships to offload the responsibilities of our needs onto our partner and this is a setup for being disappointed. So listen first, and see what your needs are asking of you before turning to your partner.   Beginning the beneficial cycle: You’ll know you have defined a need as there is a palpable shift into a sensation of softness and relief- an ‘Ah...I’m home’ sighing sort of feeling. The quality of time and space may shift and there will be an increase of kindness, non judgement, and excited curiosity. There will be a shift away from blame, and the total trust that no one is doing anything wrong or bad. The judgements begin to turn into intimate connections, the vicious cycle begins to slow down until it stops and reverses into a beneficial cycle. As you share what is true about you in any given moment it gives your partner the freedom and safety to share what is true about them, which in turn will give you more safety, which then creates a positive reinforcing cycle. And who doesn’t want that?   The benefit versus the disappointment of difference: What if we were to believe that the core value of relationship is difference? The reason we want to be in relationship ultimately is because the ways our partner is different than us helps to match what is needed in us. Max Rivers states that “a love match is this amazing mathematical combination of our strengths matching up with their forbidden needs, and their strengths matching up with our forbidden needs”. How have you been perceiving and experiencing difference in your relationship? Take a moment and check in on the messages you have received and the stories you hold about difference. The louder cultural stance, at least here in the US, is that difference is both dangerous and bad. From this belief, difference becomes a source of unending conflict as we try to change the person we are with into ourselves as we believe this may make things easier. But just imagine if you succeeded! It would be a disaster not only because you need difference to bring polarity and energy to a relationship, but also if you both truly succeeded then you would have simply switched places! Conflict is almost always caused by misunderstood difference. As you begin to re-appreciate the benefits of the differences between you and your partner and begin to acknowledge how your strengths and needs match up, you begin to pave your way towards mutual satisfaction.   You need the needs of your partner: As we understand needs more deeply, and move away from a culturally stuck view of ‘having needs’ equating to ‘being needy’, we can begin to fall in love with the ways that our needs bring us intimacy. We are in fact hard wired to get pleasure and fulfillment from meeting our partner’s needs. We begin to feel that our differences are being honored and celebrated, and we grow in our confidence that what we bring to our relationship is deeply and critically supportive for our partner, and vice versa.   Slowing down is also a strategy: Many of us have been programmed and raised to try to figure our way out of conflict. We quickly jump to solutions in an attempt to feel helpful and to avoid discomfort. In this speeding through of the process, we can miss the listening is necessary to actually identify what it is that is needing “fixing”. Invite yourself to see slowing down as a strategy in and of itself. Once ALL of the needs are on the table, then the creative process of solution and strategy finding can happen successfully- and often times much more efficiently. Once we are in a place of clarity around the needs, we will find ourselves with many more options. This is true because needs are incredibly flexible, and there are often endless ways of meeting our needs. Strategizing can become an energizing and loving co-creative process. Two people with open hearts and open minds, even when presented with an incredibly complex set of needs, will have a huge capacity for creating answers and strategies. Be open to surprising yourselves and each other as you work together as a team!     Listening them down to silence: So how DO you get all the needs on the table? The answer is simple, yet takes discipline, dedication, and practice: Invite your partner to share with you and be sure to listen openly and with excited curiosity. When they finish, reflect back what you heard, and ask “and what more?” Keep inviting them to share more until that sweet sigh of relief and release is felt by both of you- that sensation that yes, that is all. Go to the breath to find what is alive in you. Here is a short meditation to help get into the body to listen lovingly to the truth and wisdom of your needs: Take a few easy breaths. Moving deeper into your body. Notice what sensations are arising. Notice, without judgment, whatever it is you are experiencing right now. Observe what feels heavy or light, cool or warm. Is there a difference from one side of your body to the other? Is there a place of stuckness? And where is there movement? See if you can breath into those parts of your body and enlarge your experiencing of that space. Imagine that it has some deep desire for you. That it is positive in its intention and it knows precisely what it is you desire. Invite it to communicate in any ways it wants to. Does it have a message for you? What does it want  for you in this moment? And what is it asking of you so that you may have that? Add breath into your questions and see what arises. If you discover something which feels true- take a risk and share it with your partner! Share it with the intention of your partner seeing what is true and alive in you. Imagine that they will be delighted to know and to learn this. Every bit of truth that they find out about you is more for them to love. Resources  Learn more about Max Rivers’ work with Teamwork Marriage Mediation where you can book sessions, watch videos, and read more! Read Max Rivers’ new book Tired of Having the Same Old Argument?  (visit his website and click the “Buy the Book” link for the latest edition) www.neilsattin.com/rivers Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Max Rivers. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

How do you know if you're being codependent? What happens if, in the process of trying NOT to be codependent, you stop considering your partner? How do you find the balance? And what is the antidote for resentment in a relationship? In this week's episode of Relationship Alive with Neil Sattin, you'll discover the essential difference between being codependent and being considerate - and you'll learn how to find even more freedom AND connection with your partner. 

How do you grow into something new and greater with your partner? How do you foster feelings of love, passion and connection - no matter how long you’ve been together? How do you evolve beyond what you even know to be possible for yourself in relationship? This week we welcome Dr. Jeffrey Zeig to the Relationship Alive podcast. He has authored and/or co-authored more than twenty books on psychotherapy, and he is the architect of the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference, one of the most important conferences for therapeutic professionals. His work is on the cutting edge of helping us evolve what we know about what’s possible in the science of helping people change, as he is in a unique position to survey the entire landscape of what people are doing in the field of couples therapy.   Stages of Love: Love is a biological phenomenon that has three different stages, each with their own neurobiology. The first is the Stage of Attraction; this is when we discover someone who we feel drawn to. The next is the Stage of Attachment; this is a stage of luminance, which is marked with high sexual activity, an intense desire to find similarities, and a sense that you cannot get enough of each other. This stage then evolves into the Bonding stage in which we choose our partner as our mate. At this stage the neurochemicals secreted naturally drive down sexual desire. This decrease in dopamine rich sexual activity can become a crisis for couples who do not understand that there is a biological context influencing this change and instead create stories of lost connection or attraction.   Shakespeare was right- love is blind. In the luminance stage we are nearly incapable of seeing our partner for who they truly are. In fact, we see them through a distorted hormonally influenced haze-biologically donned rose colored glasses. It is not until we enter into the bonding phase that we begin to see our partners in a more realistic way. This inevitable change in perception can be jarring, and especially threatening if not understood through biology.   Discovering difference: As we settle into deeper relationship commitment the differences that provided such attractive polarity in the beginning can become sources of strain and strife. Too often relationships become like religious enclaves in which each person tries to convert their partner to do and be like them- more articulate, more organized, more emotive, and on and on… This can become a time of crisis with higher rates of alcoholism, workaholism, divorce, and affairs.   Allergic to each other’s strengths? If we are not careful, we can become allergic to our partner’s strengths. What were once your partner’s idiosyncratic characteristics that so attracted you to them can become irritating if you do not continually refresh your appreciation. When we focus our energy on trying to control or conform our partners to match our desires we misread difference as disaster, disappointment, and failure (on their part and ours). In healthy relationship differences are not dangerous, rather they are celebrated.   JFK reminds us to ask a different question:  How can you find your way back to appreciation of your own and your partner’s different strengths? Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your relationship. In what ways can you step up? In what ways can you improve? Don’t target the other person and expect change from them. Instead of reaching over the fence and weeding their garden, weed your own garden and instead gaze over to their side to look for the flowers.  A loving stable relationship grows and thrives in an atmosphere of appreciation, rather than one of comparison and judgment.   TOPIAH:  Wait, what IS love? It is not just a concept based on internal characteristics (like passion, security, appreciating the other person, trying to make the other person feel comfortable...). Instead, love is an interaction pattern. It is not something that happens solely inside a person- it is something that happens amongst and between. We do not have words to accurately describe this interactional experience. How can we capture the essence of what occurs between two loving people? TOPIAH is an acronym that attempts to describe this experience- it stands for Taking Obvious Pleasure In Another’s Happiness. An upward spiral of energy and connection is created when you show your partner that you are happy with that which brings them happiness and meaning. Make this appreciation obvious!   Change the spotlight: Due to survival needs we have evolved to be neurobiologically wired to focus on the negative and on mismatching differences (finding what is wrong in a given situation). With this small amount of scientific understanding, along with the knowledge that we are capable of rewiring our brains, we can begin to train ourselves to cultivate the art of appreciation and awareness of the positive. Being intentional is not easy, nor always instinctual- it requires a degree of thoughtfulness and an ability and commitment to choosing what you place your spotlight of awareness on. Bring the spotlight to the present moment through a smile, a gesture, a hug, a sweet comment. So much of the time we are trying to DO things that make our partner happy, however simply the act of noticing that your partner is happy about something and shining a light on that is in and of itself a positive contribution to emotional connection and fulfillment.     Little acts of kindness build insulation. John Gottman reminds us that we should strive for a 5:1 ratio of moments/experiences of connection and attunement to experiences of discord. Little acts of kindness in which we display thoughtfulness and responsiveness to our partner is like making deposits in the emotional bank account, or better yet, building insulation. Don’t miss opportunities for appreciation! You want to build enough insulation by virtue of taking pleasure in your partner’s happiness so that when the inevitable regrettable incident happens, the relationship does not crash.   Go from Yes, but…to Yes, and!  Another critical way to make deposits into the emotional bank account is to change your interaction style. Many relationships get stuck in a habit of differentiation and power dynamic that incorporates a pattern of awfulizing. If this is the case you will literally hear yourself and your partner responding to each other with “yes, but”. This dynamic leads to a downward spiral in which each person is left feeling depleted, disappointed, judged, unheard, and disconnected. Change to a “yes, and” response and watch what happens! The positive energy that is generated is palpable. Instead of discord and deadlock a couple will find themselves improvising, and mutually inspired.   Emotions are not communicated with words: When we really want to reach our partner on a deeper emotional level, we need to connect with their limbic system. Emotions are understood and communicated in HOW words are spoken, more than in WHAT is said. We need to tend to the paraverbal factors of using gestures, posture, proximity, tone, and tempo to communicate directly with each other’s limbic systems.   Evocative communication: When the intention is to share emotions then we have to use communication that is more conceptual, even if this means giving up some clarity. There are two forms of communication- that which is informative, and that which is evocative. When you want to move something from the land of knowing to the land of realizing, you must build a bridge using evocative language.  This is an art. We are storytelling creatures, and are moved through symbolism and metaphor. Find ways to incorporate metaphors and stories in your relationship in order to create doorways through which your partner may be invited into the inner landscape of your heart. This vulnerability builds closeness and deepens understanding of each other.  So… go inward and explore your own sense of meaning and then get creative with your words.   Resources  Check out Dr. Jeffrey Zeig’s website for workshops for professionals Find his video lectures on Youtube www.neilsattin.com/zeig  Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Jeff Zeig  Learn more about Dr. Zeig’s new project on evocative language here  Go to this website to read about positive addictions  Read Dr. Zeig’s book Ten Commandments for Couples and read more on this website  And last, but certainly not least find, out more about the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference!

How do you know what you *really* want in relationship? And how can you help your partner truly understand what makes you tick - so that they can speak the language of love in ways that are meaningful for you? In this week's episode, we cover a way for you to not only help your partner show up for you - but also for you to discover hidden truths about what you truly desire. Learn how to create the first draft of your Love Map (as John Gottman calls it) - the User Manual for You. Also don't forget to check out last week's episode, featuring both John Gottman and Sue Johnson on the topic of Attraction - how to sustain it, and how to revive it when it's gone.

Join relationship experts John Gottman and Sue Johnson as they unravel the intricacies of attraction in partnerships. Gottman, known for his groundbreaking research, teams up with Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, to tackle how to sustain and revive the spark. They discuss the impact of emotional responsiveness, the challenges following betrayal, and the dangers of negative comparisons. With insights on rekindling intimacy and connection, they offer actionable strategies to help couples rediscover passion and emotional engagement.

Are you too busy for sex and connection? What if sex just isn't happening, or isn't happening enough in your relationship? While there are many reasons that this could be happening (or not happening, as the case may be) - sometimes all you have to do is to get it on the calendar. That being said, simply scheduling sex on your calendar isn't always enough to turn things around. In this week's episode, we're going to cover how to schedule sex, why to schedule sex, and...most importantly...how to successfully navigate any pressure, or awkwardness, that comes from putting something so precious...on the calendar. Along with the secrets of how to schedule sex successfully, you'll also learn a bit more about how to create intimacy with and without sex, why connection is so important for having an amazing sex life, and the benefits of nurturing your sexual and sensual life with your partner. Also, get ready for next week, which will be the 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast! Joining us next week will  two amazing guests - John Gottman AND Sue Johnson - to talk about Attraction. What do you do when attraction vanishes in your relationship? How do you sustain the attraction and spark that you have? The answers to these questions (and more) about attraction might surprise you, so be sure to tune in next week as well to hear what emerges in my conversations with John Gottman and Sue Johnson.  

When it comes to the success of your relationship, how much are you standing in your own way? How do you get really clear on your part in the dynamic? And how do you work some magic in the way that you communicate, to connect no matter how challenging the moment? Joining us this week is Dr. David Burns, a Stanford emeritus professor who is also the author of Feeling Good - one of the most popular self-help books (dealing with depression) of all time. He is one of the chief popularizers of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and has recently been developing TEAM therapy, which addresses some of CBT’s shortcomings. David Burns is also the author of Feeling Good Together, which applies his practical approach to relationships: how to thrive, as well as how to turn a troubled relationship around.   Changing the question: When it comes to relationship difficulty and challenges, many of us are quick to point fingers at THEM. We believe it is the fault of the other person, and we spend a lot of energy blaming them. The question that will lead to hope and growth is not “will the other person ever change?” but rather, “am I willing to change?”. By looking at our own behaviors and beliefs we are able to regain a sense of power, and gain access to our ability to effect change. By changing ourselves we can’t NOT change those around us! By coming from a radically different place ourselves we find we can transform the entire relationship dynamic. Outcome resistance: While interpersonal transformation is possible with new perspectives and new skills, nothing will in fact help if there is a core resistance to the possibility of change. Before diving deeply into the hows of changing your relationship dynamics, you must first ask yourself “Do I want a better relationship with this person?” Allow the answer to surprise you. There are actually many possible motives and factors that could be competing with your authentic desire for expanded joy and intimacy (sometimes we’d rather blame, be right, even hate). Process resistance: If in asking the above question you find that you do indeed want to become closer with your partner (or whomever you are in conflict with), the next question is whether you are willing to give up blame and look instead at your own role in the dynamics?  In your heart of hearts, who do you think is more to blame for the quality of your relationship? You or the other person? The prognosis for your relationship if you are in a victim mentality are close to zero - this stance is dangerous and debilitating. That said, are you willing to begin to look at yourself as part of the cause? And are you then willing to engage, from this place, in a process to help transition your relationship from a place of hostility into a place of love? If you find that you are unwilling to make this shift towards responsibility, or do not feel you are interested or able to engage in making changes on your own, you may be experiencing process resistance. This resistance is important to listen to and must be addressed before expecting yourself or your partner to change any further. Exploring resistance exercise: To do this exercise, take one sheet of paper and create two columns, on one side list all of the advantages of remaining resistant and on the other list all of the disadvantages. For example, the advantages of continuing to feel as though it is THEIR fault may sound something like: I don’t have to feel guilty, if I can continue to blame them I don’t have to feel any pain, I get support from others when I complain and play victim, it is satisfying to scapegoat others, I feel morally superior, I don’t have to change, it helps me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, it lets me be angry all of the time, it justifies my passive aggressive or revenge type behavior. The disadvantages of resisting responsibility, on the other hand, may sound something like: keeps me feeling powerless, maintains painful status quo, being angry all the time is exhausting, I don’t feel centered in my best self, I feel disconnected from my compassion, there is a sense of stagnation, I don’t experience any growth or room for learning, I am constantly stressed, I experience anxiety and depression and loss of intimacy, this just feels unhealthy. When you finish your lists add up the total notes you made in each column and reflect on the balance you see. In what ways has your resistance to looking at your own role in your relationship been helping you, and in what ways has it been harming you? And what, now that you see all of this written in front of you, are you feeling ready and open to? Looking at your own role: Nearly all relationship problems are encapsulated in any single thirty second exchange shared between two people at odds with one another. To explore this, take a moment of conflict you experienced recently and write down exactly what the other person said, and then what you said next. What you said next determines the entire outcome and if you look closely with humility you will see just how your response/reaction triggered the exact problem that you have been complaining about. This realization can be incredibly painful and humiliating as we spend so much of our energy focused on what the other person said or didn’t say and so convinced that it is all their fault!  Although painful, this realization is also our key into the potential for transformation! Free yourself from victimhood: When we see ourselves as victims we do not see the impact of our behavior on the other person, and we stay blind. If you have the courage to look, and to examine the role you play in conflict and tension you will become empowered. By freeing yourself of victimhood through noting the ways you are the one who is creating the very problem you are suffering with, you begin to see how you also have the power to transform the relationship by thinking about it and communicating in a radically new way. From here change can occur quickly, and even, at times, easily. Try keep a relationship journal: As mentioned above, we can learn a lot about our role in our relationships by checking out the ways we do or don’t respond and react to our partners during conflict. To do this in a methodic way, follow these steps: 1) identify and write down something that someone else said that triggered you 2) write down your response in the moment 3) assess whether your response was an example of good or poor communication (see below) 4) enlightenment step: ask yourself “what was the impact on the other person of my responding the way I did?” 5) revise what you could have said using the techniques listed below   EAR- Good communication requires patience, presence, and skills. EAR stands for empathy, assertiveness, and respect. It is communication that incorporates EAR that creates feelings of mutual acknowledgement and safety and leads to repair and connection versus escalation and disconnection. 5 secret techniques of effective communication (no particular order): Disarming technique- This technique is about finding truth in what the other person says, no matter what. It is based on the law of opposites which posits that if you defend yourself from criticism that feels unfair you prove that it is valid. This paradox however can work in reverse! If instead of defending and negating an irrational criticism you choose to genuinely agree with something they said then you help prove it isn’t the case and the other person will quickly stop believing. Escalations occur when people feel unheard or misunderstood and by finding truth in what someone is saying, and you do it with respect and humility, it becomes music to their ears and can be incredibly soothing. Thought and feeling empathy- Though empathy is when you repeat the words that someone else says in order to help show them you heard their message. Feeling empathy is when you acknowledge how the person is probably feeling given what you hear they are saying to you.   Inquiry- Inquiry is the process of asking gentle probing questions to get more information about what other person is thinking or feeling. Assertiveness- Assertiveness is the skill of communicating your subjective experience through “I feel” statements. This requires expressing your feelings in a direct, yet gentle and non-threatening way. Stroking- This is the skill of conveying warmth and respect even in the heat of a moment. Show, say, or do something that expresses to your partner that you are there in an open and loving way. You are the god of your own experience: We are creating our interpersonal realities in every moment of every day. We are not the victims of our experiences, but rather the god who is creating our own reality. The enlightenment step described above, in which you ask yourself how your reactions are impacting your relationship dynamics can lead some to mystical and spiritual insights. This turning towards ourselves as the cause is a practice. It isn’t easy! Be patience with yourself while you are learning to grow in this new way!   Resources: Be sure to check out David Burns’ website for loads of free resources, a blog, a podcast, the workshop schedule, and so much more! Read his book Feeling Good Together Also read David Burns’ book Feeling Good www.neilsattin.com/feelinggood Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with David Burns Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

Find out what's in store for the upcoming 100th episode of the Relationship Alive podcast! Also, this week is an opportunity for you to get caught up on episodes you've missed, or to revisit ones that have had an impact on you. Looking forward to seeing you next week with David Burns, author of Feeling Good and Feeling Good Together.

There’s nothing quite as powerful to help you on your journey as the community of friends that surround you. However, our friends aren’t always clear on how to do that - particularly when it comes to your relationship. How do you enlist your friends to support you in your partnership? In today’s episode, you’ll discover a sweet way to create a moment of deep connection with your partner and to show your friends exactly how they can help you and your partner nurture your connection. If you’re single, this practice will show you how you can harness the energy of your community to keep you on track in life - and in your quest for the right relationship (if you’re looking for that). Along with strengthening your relationship, this practice will also help you strengthen your connection to your friends!

How do you stop repeating the old beliefs and actions that are holding you back? How do you ensure that the core part of your inner guidance is sending you in a positive direction? If you find yourself doing the same old dance again and again - either with your current partner or in relationship after relationship, then this is the episode for you. Joining us is Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of the NYT Bestseller Conscious Uncoupling, as well as the bestseller Calling in the One, as a guide through a powerful process of self-discovery. We dive deep into a core part of her work, the “secret sauce” that has helped Katherine transform the lives of so many people worldwide. Katherine Woodward Thomas has been on Relationship Alive a couple times previously. If you’re interested in hearing our other episodes together, they are: Ep 21: Healing Pain from Past or Present Breakups Ep 3: Overcoming Your Barriers to Love and Connection Repeating the story: So often we get into relationships that allow us to recreate old and often painful patterns developed in our childhoods. While this duplication process may partly be in search of healing, it is more due to the fact that we lack the skills to do relationship any differently. Luckily this can shift. We can learn the skills and repair the developmental needs in order to navigate our relationships to the highest potential they hold for our happiness and wellbeing. Getting to the center of it all: We generate our lives from what lives at our center. What core belief about love are you carrying at your center? It is from this belief, often formed in childhood, that we generate our entire experience in the world and in relationship. If your core belief is broken (No one will ever love me, I am unworthy of love, I don’t deserve love), no amount of skills will help remedy. Instead an entirely new center must be found - one that is truer and has more room for positive possibility and growth. It is this excavating of old beliefs that allows us to move from post traumatic stress towards post traumatic growth. Beliefs are relational: Our core beliefs were created in relation to another, and are, thus, also able to be healed through relationship. Remember however, that no one can show up for us in a way that we are not showing up for ourselves. We must teach those around us how to love us by the ways in which we love ourselves. Source fracture wounds: Source fracture wounds are the result of our original experiences of being hurt in love. These experiences, often long forgotten by explicit memory, become so entwined with our entire identity that it may take some time and support to be able to unblend enough to identify them. The body holds beliefs: Our implicit beliefs are held more in our bodies than in our brains. Try closing your eyes for a moment and connecting with your painful pattern in love. How does this experience show up in your body? Is it a heaviness in your heart? A tightness in the stomach? An ache in the solar plexus? Stay connected with it and welcome in the feelings while letting this part of your body tell the story “I am...or I am no...or other people…” Listen. Then ask yourself - how old is this part of me? Allow this dialogue to continue between yourself and this young self. Once you feel like you have really listened in, you can begin to update this young belief with a more mature and validating voice: for example, share with it that you are, in fact, deeply loved by all of life and there is evidence around for how all of life loves you. Once we have discovered the old stories we created long ago, we have the opportunity to mentor and usher in a new perspective. Stay in relationship between yourself and your tender parts: The places in our bodies that hold these beliefs often cause us both emotional and physical pain. This tends to make us want to ignore and shun these areas of our bodies, however it is actually these areas that need the most TLC. Continue to build a relationship between yourself and these tender areas. Place a hand on these parts of yourself and let them know you are there. These parts of ourselves are often lonely, stuck, and waiting for us to liberate them from the story they are trapped in. Talk to yourself! You will likely have a sense of immediate relief. Let your parts know “I am enough, I am a treasure”. This dialogue and honoring allows you to course correct the consciousness of long stagnant and painful thought/feeling networks. Start within. Are you ready and desiring of a new love experience? It may be time to wake up from old trance. In order to step into a more authentic, fulfilling, and growth oriented relationship you must 1) be willing to go deeper, 2) stop being a victim, and 3) begin to reflect on yourself as the source of your own experience with your partner. See yourself as the source:  In what ways are you creating situations that provide more evidence for your source fracture story? We so often covertly pull on others to validate our old stories. This is subtle, subconscious, and because we can’t see how we are manipulating our experiences we are left feeling like others are doing it to us. The truth is that most of the things that we do that lead to toxicity and disappointment are old strategies we developed in childhood to protect ourselves. Predictability, even if negative, is safer than the unknown and so we create situations that give us more evidence for our aloneness/lack of safety/unworthiness or whatever else we believed in order to make sense of the world. Can you reflect with humility and curiosity on the ways that you yourself may be the source of breakdowns in your relationship? Sit in your truth: Given that we create our lives from our center, we must tend this center with care and clarity. Depending on our core belief we are either going to navigate our way into the higher potentials of a relationship or we are going to spiral the potentials downwards into the old story. When we function from our source fracture story we end up choosing people who will predictably play out our old patterns, however when we are able to live from a deeper truth we lose interest in old dramas and become increasingly more attracted to healthy people. Ask empowering questions. Ask the questions that will lead to truth and growth. How am I giving away my power to my partner? How am I treating myself in ways that have trained my partner to treat me this way? By taking responsibility you can enter into a completely new (and likely more honest and productive) conversation with your partner. Enlist your partner: Become evolutionary partners by helping each other grow and wake up to a deeper truth. Ask your partner to give you feedback and insight into ways you might be impacting the dynamic without realizing it. Through honest and humble conversations such as these we begin to turn our relationships into places of safety (rather than needing to tap dance around each other’s wounds). Getting from limbic to cortex: It is inevitable that you and your partner will trigger each other and cause each other to “go limbic”. Once you have gone limbic - all bets are off! Be sure to give yourself timeouts so that your nervous system and brain can come back online. By giving yourself the time necessary to shift back to a regulated state you will be better prepared to engage from your wise adult self. One way to help shift this is through affect labelling. Try taking a deep breath and ask yourself ‘what am I feeling right now?’. Notice and then name the specific emotions. Through mirroring back to yourself your own internal experience you begin to de-escalate the intensity and bring yourself back to center. From here you are better able to choose curiosity and compassion in the face of challenge and imperfections. Both affect labelling and choosing compassion are key skills and relationship muscles needed for growth and repair. Graduate from old patterns: Are you ready for a paradigm shift that will leave you more ready, more open, and more capable of big love? Change starts from setting an intention to have happiness and love. The biggest obstacle to this that many of us face is being blended with the identity of someone who is unworthy of it. Through lovingly and patiently working with the parts of yourself that hold wounded beliefs you are able more accurately fill needs that were unmet when you were younger. As we look more at our own development we are able to recreate the experiences we missed and unravel the old story by replacing it with invalidating experiences that are at once empowering and so needed. This requires vulnerability. As you learn your own true needs and begin to practice communicating this to safe people in your life, you will in turn be welcoming in the evidence of what’s true about you. These are all learnable skills! Practice identifying what was missing, asking for what you need, and allowing yourself to receive. Remember, vulnerability is often the doorway into a place of growth, restoration, and true healing.   Resources:  Interested in Katherine Woodward Thomas’ coaching training? Check it out here!  Read Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life  Also read Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After  Find out more about Katherine Woodward Thomas’ work on her website www.neilsattin.com/kwt3 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Katherine Woodward Thomas  Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook  Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out