The Gentle Rebel Podcast

When I first saw the term, “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” I looked straight past it. It was around 2011 when I had recently started reading about introversion. While hanging out in the personality rabbit hole I kept seeing the question, “Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?” Every time I read it I repeated a gentle but firm, “no” to myself. But it wouldn’t leave me alone. So eventually I gave in and clicked on one of the links. Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby? Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art? Do you have a rich and complex inner life? Oh. Hang on. I dug deeper. I read The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr Elaine Aron. And it turned out I probably WAS one of those highly sensitive people after all. Part of 20-30% of the population with an innate trait (Sensory Processing Sensitivity) that “reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting” . It was a game-changer for me. A liberating moment. And so began a journey of reframing the past, re-writing the present, and re-imagining the future. I still didn’t fully connect with the “highly sensitive person” label. It didn’t fit properly. But I knew it held something life-changing within. And I share my journey of discovery with you in this week’s podcast. What Is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a trait found in over 100 species, and makes up a fifth of the human population. Despite misconceptions, high sensitivity is about more than being highly emotional. It plays a cautionary role in evolutionary terms and is systematically baked into humankind as a way to identify and warn of potential risks and sources of harm in the world around us. In the podcast, Bill Allen takes us through Elaine Aron’s DOE(e)S Acronym. Depth of Processing Highly Sensitive People have a deep sensory experience of the world. They take information and grind it down in order to get every bit of data out of it (both consciously and unconsciously). This can sometimes lead to rumination and ‘overthinking’. Studies comparing the brains of HSPs and non-HSPs have found differences in the way people process information and stimulation. Overstimulation Highly Sensitive People usually have an open aperture for picking up sensory data. They let a lot of information in and this can result in overstimulation when they’re out in the world all the time. They require regular downtime to recalibrate before getting back out there again. Empathy Highly Sensitive People have a deep capacity for empathy through highly active mirror neurons. This can influence interactions, as HSPs absorb the moods and feelings of those around them. Emotional Reactivity Highly Sensitive People are more affected and moved by things happening in and around them. They can be more emotionally responsive to both positive and negative stimulation. Sensory Acuity/Subtleties Highly Sensitive People often pick up environmental sensory information that others might not. This ‘nuancing’ ability allows HSPs to find things around them and make connections. This is also a big reason many artists and creative people are highly sensitive. What Sensory Processing Sensitivity is NOT Introversion (30% are extroverts) A Disorder (it is not the same as sensory processing disorder, ADHD, PTSD, or high functioning autism) More common in women (equal numbers of men and women are highly sensitive) Something you can eliminate (it is largely innate) Sensitivity is how responsive our nervous system is to stimulation. It’s a natural reaction to the world’s noise and has been an instrumental survival strategy. Not just for individuals with the trait but as part of the wider social ecosystem of humanity itself. Can We Come Up With a Better Name For High Sensitivity? Conversations about sensitivity often turn to the label itself. A lot of people struggle with the term, “Highly Sensitive Person”. But it’s been very difficult to come up with a satisfactory alternative. For many, it’s because of the word “sensitive”. But I personally struggle with the word, “highly”. It evokes a sense of too-muchness. It makes me think of highly strung or high maintenance people. Those who place a demand on other people to bend to their will. I often refer to it as “deep sensitivity”. While it’s not a perfect term I like how it feels. It communicates the potential rooting, grounding, and rich experience at the core of sensory processing sensitivity. Other people are exploring alternative labels such as Tracy Cooper’s move towards “high sensory intelligence“, sensory attunement, and deep sensory awareness. What resonates with you? I’d love to hear from you about this. Reframing The Story Of Sensitivity When I learned about high sensitivity I spent time processing the stories from my life so far. Understanding things in light of this new lens. It helped me become more aware of what was going on beneath the surface. And I wanted to understand myself better so that I could use the discovery in a positive way. Overwhelmed By Bright Lights, Strong Smells, and Sudden Noises I always struggled with bright fluorescent tube lights. The kind you find in school classrooms, church halls, and industrial kitchens. Those environments leave me exhausted, but I never knew why. Described as Shy or Sensitive By Teachers and Parents All my teachers said I needed to put my hand up more in lessons and contribute to class discussions. I was called shy even when I didn’t feel it. Just because I preferred to keep quiet at times. Silence gets interpreted in a variety of ways; disinterest, a lack of confidence, shyness, disrespect, dislike for the teacher etc. The silence of sensitivity can come from all manner of different places. Startled By Sudden Noises When I was a kid I hated balloons because they might pop, I refused to partake in crackers at Christmas for several years. I spent every fireworks night watching out of the window with my hands over my ears. It is slightly ironic that the only thing I wanted to do when I was a kid was to play the drums. There is a picture of me as a child standing behind my cousin’s drum kit. I had a drumstick in one hand which was happily playing, while I was using my other arm to cover my ears to protect against the noise. I had developed quite the technique. It’s a photo that captures perfectly the frustrations I had growing up with that aspect of my high sensitivity. I loved the idea of making lots of noise but it was loud and uncomfortable, and I ended up having to protect myself…well, from myself. Noticing Life’s Finer Scents Twice I have run after nice smelling people to find out what fragrance they were wearing. I love good scents. On the flip side, my nose is pretty helpful for detecting dangers and mouldy stuff. Performining Tasks Worse Under Observation “It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. Fear creates arousal, but so do many other emotions, including joy, curiosity, or anger. But we can also be over-aroused by semiconscious thoughts or low levels of excitement that create no obvious emotion…stress is closely related to arousal: Our response to stress is to become aroused.” – Elaine Aron (The Highly Sensitive Person) One of the traits of the highly sensitive person is that they become so nervous while competing or being observed performing a task, that they do much worse than they would otherwise. I am much more comfortable when no one is watching. Or at least when I can remove my awareness of someone else watching. When I’m aware of the gaze of others my mind does funny things. It’s Unpleasant to Have a Lot of Things Going on at Once When I have a task to do for someone, or a deadline looming my instinct is to put absolutely everything else on hold until this other thing gets done. The problem is, that there are always ‘urgent things’ that require our ‘immediate’ attention. And if we’re not careful we can spend our entire life responding to trivial, attention-seeking things rather than pro-actively moving the ball down the field. Before we know it we can start to neglect our health, creative projects/ hobbies, and other people. Needing to Withdraw From Overstimulation and Busyness In his book First Things First, Stephen Covey developed a well-known illustration aimed at showing people how to prioritise their time. You take a box of rocks and a bucket of sand (or pebbles). You need to get both the sand (pebbles) and rocks to fit in the same container. If you try putting the rocks on top of the sand they sit above it and eventually topple out. But putting the rocks in first means that the sand (pebbles) can be poured in. They filter into the gaps and wrap around the big rocks. We need to get the big rocks in place. For the highly sensitive person it can be very tempting to say yes to lots of people who we don’t want to displease; to have a huge to-do list and to respond to nothing but the urgent stuff. Deeply Moved By Arts and Music Music is my mother tongue. It’s a language I will never master but it’s one I can never let go. Through music, I can say and feel things I can’t otherwise define. It’s like Flannery O’Connor said: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” I love that. We are all wired with a natural connection to art and everyone carries music in their soul. Where words stop and languages cease, art lives on. It is the fully static, yet ever-changing transcendent truth at the heart of the human experience. Other Peoples’ Moods Affect You In her book The Introvert Advantage, Marti Olsen Laney says highly sensitive people: “are born with a certain cluster of traits that are often described as a sixth sense. They are extremely perceptive, intuitive, and observant, with finer discrimination than most of us. They may stay away from social engagements because they dread the agonising flooding of their senses.” I often know what other people are thinking before they say it out loud. And I absorb the emotion and moods of people around me. It can be exhausting or exhilarating, depending on who those people are. Conclusions We don’t use labels like “highly sensitive person” to build some kind of exclusive club. Labels are valuable when they help us raise awareness about how we operate so we can better understand who we are. This means we can choose how to approach things that matter to us in the most effective way. Individuation and Deep Sensitivity Elaine Aron says she sees each life “ as an individuation process, one of discovering the particular question you were put on earth to answer” . “No creator is ever satisfied with what he has done…indeed, the works of an artist are the outward and visible signs of his inner development as a person.” – Anthony Storr This is a resonant idea. The work never ends. We never get there. But then that’s the point. The questions that won’t leave us alone give rise to our creative expression as we attempt to respond to them in different ways. Never quite grasping it fully.   Research and The Future For Sensory Processing Sensitivity The body of research into sensory processing sensitivity is growing all the time. They regularly update SensitivityResearch.com so we can keep up to date with what’s being discovered about the trait. It might be fanciful dreaming, but I hope that these conversations become part of everyday conversations in the near future.  As a world, we need to embrace the joy of sensitivity. Not as something that belongs to a particular community of people, but as something that infuses the big picture. At the start of The Highly Sensitive Person, Elain Aron quotes E.M. Forster… “I believe in aristocracy, though – if that is the right word, and if a democrat may use it. Not an aristocracy of power…but of the sensitive, the considerate. Its members are to be found in all nations and classes and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos. Thousands of them perish in obscurity, a few are great names. They are sensitive for others as well as themselves, they are considerate without being fussy, their pluck is not swankiness but the power to endure.” – E.M. Forster (From “What I Believe”)

You don’t have to look far to see people acting in mean and selfish ways. Is this because people themselves are fundamentally mean and selfish or is there more to it than that? And is there anything WE can do to make conditions for kinder modes of human behaviour and engagement? We will always encounter rudeness in other people. It’s an inevitable part of life. But these people can have a big impact on our health and confidence. So what can we do about them? This episode explores two core ideas: How to build a practice of creative gentleness How to build gentleness into a creative practice We’ve got to think about both sides of this if we want to build a life of creative flow. Episode Contents Who Are These Mean and Selfish People? Our Place in a Mean and Selfish World Hold Gently Within Our Encounters The Hold of Past Guilt Wastewater and The Creativity Faucet The Stoic Response to Mean and Selfish People But is Kindness Really The Best Response To Cruel or Thoughtless Actions? Play and Your Inner-Child: Is It Time To Grow Up? When Self-Doubt Fuels The Questions We Ask You Don’t Need to Feel Like “A Creative” in Order to Live a Creative Life There are No Wrong Answers When Practising Play Embracing The Comfort and Joy of Failure Conclusion: Humiliation is Never a Productive Option Who Are These Mean and Selfish People? “It’s a fact of life that we will encounter rude people. It happens every day. People cut in line. They speak to other people like they are a piece of s**t. People lie and take credit for your work. Not only will this happen, but many times there will be no consequences for this.” The Daily Stoic It’s without a doubt tempting to label people as mean and selfish. It feels obvious that some people are that way by nature. So we engage with them accordingly. When we use these kinds of words we then treat other people as if that’s who they are. But this is a symptom of a fixed mindset. And it provides little wiggle room for the story to change. Our Place in a Mean and Selfish World We tell ourselves a story about the way things “should” and “shouldn’t” be. And how other people should be. It’s tempting to get caught in the spirit of the world around us. As such we might permit and even contribute to conditions that give rise to the kind of selfishness and meanness we want to get rid of. The rebellion of gentleness is about shifting our stories of shame. Including the stories we tell about who we are, as well as the shame we bestow upon other people.   Hold Gently Within Our Encounters This article from the Daily Stoic says about mean and selfish people, “they’ll have to wait in line less than you. They might get promoted ahead of you after taking credit for that work. And when we see this, we are tempted to respond in a couple of ways: Get angry. Resent it. Use it as an excuse Begin to plot our revenge. None of these reactions are Stoic. But more important, none of these reactions reduce rude behaviour in the world either.” When we grip them too tight, the words and actions of others can consume us. And we can end up creating more of what we don’t want in the process. How might we increase the space around the holes, corners, and cul de sacs we can ALL end up stuck in? It can be fun to corner people who say and do things we really hate. But when we do this things can become more violent and destructive. Especially if they have to fight their way out of such a corner. This creates the conditions for a future that is not good for any of us. The Hold of Past Guilt Most of us are haunted by times we didn’t do as much as we could have. Maybe we walked past someone in need because we were too busy or we made an excuse to avoid helping out. Some of these moments stick with us. They might even wake us up at night. These choices can stay with us and make us feel ashamed. But cruelty and callousness in actions we have taken don’t make us cruel and callous people at our core. And the same goes for other people. Wastewater and The Creativity Faucet Julian Shapiro wrote about a mental model called the Creativity Faucet. It’s a way to visualise the process of generating good creative ideas. Creativity is like a backed-up pipe of water. The first mile of piping is packed with wastewater. This must be emptied before we get to the clear water. Shapiro suggests that many of us struggle to get past our wastewater. He says, “if you’ve opened a blank document, scribbled a few thoughts, then walked away because you weren’t struck with gold, then you too didn’t get past it”. This image speaks to the practice of gentleness too. We can always reach cleaner, healthier, and life-giving ways of responding to the world’s wastewater. But it’s not always the first stuff to appear when we turn on the tap.   The Stoic Response to Mean and Selfish People “Kindness is invincible, but only when it’s sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong— right as they are trying to harm you?” — Marcus Aurelius But is Kindness Really The Best Response To Cruel or Thoughtless Actions? Kindness might sound passive and weak. But what if, rather than rewarding malice and cruelty, it could actually be a source of accountability? The word “kind” comes from kyndnes. It means nation. Kin refers to family ties. So to treat someone with kindness is to be one of a kind WITH them. We are not in separate spaces. To be kind is to respect their right to belong, and to accept them as part of the whole. Not to humiliate, shame, or shun.   Play and Your Inner-Child: Is It Time To Grow Up? “It takes a very long time to become young” – Picasso Inner child and inner critic: a battle for creativity (From NessLabs.com) I love seeing people wake up to their own creative spirit. It’s a beautiful thing when people rediscover the spark they had as a child. Contrary to being something we should grow out of, play something we need to grow INTO. We collect all sorts of stories as we grow up, and it takes a long time to let ourselves become young again. When Self-Doubt Fuels The Questions We Ask According to Anne-Laure Le Cunff, being young is about being curious. Children ask heaps of questions. But as we get older we conform to society’s focus on speed as a key performance measurement. We prioritise efficiency and productivity over the meaning and deep enjoyment we find along the way. The only questions we DO still ask are fuelled by self-doubt and insecurity. In particular, is this right? As well as, is my work good enough? And, what will people think of this? The inner critic wants us to conform not create. It follows the formula laid down by society, which drives us to find the ‘correct’ answer. Perhaps this is why we get stuck when the tap doesn’t yield creative ideas as soon as we turn it on. But we can change the kind of questions we ask. And when we reconnect with our inner child, we can turn our inner critic into an inner coach. You Don’t Need to Feel Like “A Creative” in Order to Live a Creative Life We don’t have to believe we are creative in order to live creatively. We just need to ask interesting questions from a place of genuine curiosity. When it comes to bringing more gentleness into the world, it starts with a vision of what such a world might look like to us. Describe it, set the scene, and define what would be going on in that future reality. What is true in that place? What is NO LONGER true in that place? There are No Wrong Answers When Practising Play “Playfulness is, in part, an openness to being a fool, which is a combination of not worrying about competence, not being self-important, not taking norms as sacred and finding ambiguity and double edges a source of wisdom and delight”. – Maria Lugones Playfulness is like a shock absorber. It helps us to exist beneath the weight of the world’s pressure and expectations. It gently reminds us that we are ALL fools deep down. We are ALL outsiders. Embracing The Comfort and Joy of Failure I hosted a workshop in The Haven Courtyard where we examined the creativity faucet. We did an exercise which had failure baked into it. The point of the session was to get more comfortable with not having all the answers. And to enjoy failing as part of the play. In a world of binary boxes, it feels scary to risk getting things wrong. But if we don’t feel safe getting things wrong, we don’t have the conditions for creativity to grow. What if we could not only tolerate but actually find ways to enjoy our failures? If we can do this we can choose how we want to respond to all kinds of mean and selfish words and actions. Conclusion: Humiliation is Never a Productive Option It’s tempting to react to mean and selfish people by seeking power over them. Be it intellectual or physical dominance. But when people are backed into corners they lash out. They fight back. And they look for a way out of the hole they’re in. As justifiable as it may feel, humiliation can not be the recipe for a better world. Conversely, it just makes things worse. It’s time to change the scripts that we follow. So how do we get out of our own way and make room for new stories of gentleness to emerge through the gaps?

I’ve always been moved by music, literature, and film that some people dismiss as “depressing”. But bittersweet art brings the world to life – and if we allow it to speak to us it can be a source of comfort. If you’re drawn to “sad” music you’re not alone. In this week’s podcast, I unpack what Susan Cain describes as bittersweet melancholy, and ask what is it about “sad songs and rainy days” that moves so many people. It’s no accident that human beings have always found ways to navigate life’s bittersweet edges through our creativity. But why? Even as a child, I enjoyed revisiting art that had previously made me cry. I knew the risk, but was drawn to the yearning ache I felt so deeply. It’s a fascination that has always been there for me. As a maker and consumer of the arts. To be moved is to feel alive. It’s to become aware of the weight – and significance – of life as a fleeting gift. Episode contents Bittersweet Longing What Does Yearning Feel Like? Fleeting Moments of Bittersweet Beauty The Snowman Will Melt Why We Love “Sad” Music Bittersweet Art Doesn’t Create Emotion Are You Homesick and Yearning For A Place That Doesn’t Exist? Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono No Aware We Don’t Want What We Think We Want The Inconsolable Longing For We Know Not What Our Life’s Work and Creative Offering “The Sunset” at Wilpena Pound in South Australia Bittersweet Longing Longing is a beautiful word that fills the space in between life’s lines. It keeps us moving and yearning with grief for the world around us. We long for the things we have but can’t fully grasp. We long for the things we don’t yet have but dream to possess. And we long for the things we once had but lost. Art is an expression of such longing. It comes from that place within its creator. A painting, song, or poem, is always an attempt to express the ungraspable. We can dance with such things, but we can never fully conjure or define the object we long for. We might get close but we will never quite articulate what we long to say. There is always something missing. It’s this gap that brings us back. Creating, listening, watching. Observing and honing our craft. It’s a liberating frustration or perhaps a frustrating liberation. What Does Yearning Feel Like? Yearning is a particular type of longing. I like to think of it as a beautiful ache to hold something that is impossible to fully grasp. To yearn is to be aware that we can never acquire the missing thing even if the thing is in our hands. I remember yearning – during the experience – for a sunset. I was in the Australian outback and it blew my mind. But while I was able to deeply appreciate what I saw, I could also feel something unusual happening inside me. An emotion I can only describe as yearning, that was underpinned by the fleeting nature of the moment. I wanted to capture, consume, bottle, have this experience. But it wasn’t mine to possess. And what’s more, its value CAME from its scarcity. I wonder if yearning happens when we connect to things – memories, people, art – we want to possess but can’t. Fleeting Moments of Bittersweet Beauty Have you ever witnessed something so beautiful it was painful? Do you recognise what it means to yearn in this way? This is the “bittersweet” that Susan Cain talks about. It’s inside the bitter that the sweet belongs. They are not two sides of a coin. They are an interweaving web that cannot be seperated. The things that matter are not precious despite their fragility. They are important BECAUSE they are fragile. The Snowman Will Melt I was five or six when I first watched The Snowman. In case you don’t know, it is a notoriously heartwrenching short animated film that is shown every Christmas in the UK. When it finished I didn’t know what had hit me. And my parents wondered about the damage they had done. But the following Christmas I wanted to watch it again. Despite THEIR protestations I convinced them to pop it on. Remember last time? Yes. What if the same happens again this year? I remembered how it felt. I hadn’t forgotten the pain and the tears. And yet something in me wanted to re-live the experience. The same did happen. Of course it did. And I was relieved. It hurt so good. Why We Love “Sad” Music Susan Cain describes “bittersweet” as longing, poignancy, and joyful sorrow. It’s not just a feeling. It’s wrapped in the awareness of time passing. . The English language fails to capture the essential emotions that music creates. We describe songs as “happy” and “sad”. We don’t mean it but that’s all we have. I think terms like bittersweet, yearning, melancholic, longing, poignant, and moving, are better. But there’s still a way to go. Bittersweet Art Doesn’t Create Emotion Everybody Hurts by REM was voted “the saddest song of all time” in a 2022 survey of music lovers conducted by OnePoll. When your day is longAnd the night, the night is yours aloneWhen you’re sure you’ve had enoughOf this life, well hang onDon’t let yourself go‘Cause everybody criesEverybody hurts sometimesSometimes everything is wrong – Everybody Hurts (REM) It’s a reassuring, comforting, and compassionate lullaby. The lyrics speak a simple and universal truth that we can all identify with. It’s moving, it’s emotional, and it might jerks tears. Not because it’s sad, but rather because it’s safe. It speaks to the human condition and the experience of life. EVERYBODY hurts sometimes, regardless of who you are, where you’re from, or what you have. It’s an emotionally cleansing experience. Art is moving when it gives expression to something inside us. If you’ve ever felt stirred by music you’ll know how it gives our feelings somewhere to find form. What if “sad” songs don’t really MAKE us feel sad, but rather they ALLOW us to feel the messy mix of emotions that need to be processed? Are You Homesick and Yearning For A Place That Doesn’t Exist? A lot of people have felt a homesickness for somewhere they’ve never been. Perhaps even a place or time that doesn’t exist. Many philosophical and religious traditions talk about the pain of separation. This underpins human subjectivity, where we experience a feeling of exile and a deep desire to get home. This drive has given rise to the most wonderful human accomplishments, discoveries, and artistic creations. As well as some of the more dreadful, violent, and destructive projects. At its worst, we seek to overcome the pain of separation with utopian scapegoating (things will be pure when we eradicate a group or idea). At its best, we embrace and channel our homesickness into creative endeavours that speak of our shared yearning as a species. Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono No Aware Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono no aware are all familiar. Like art, they are words that help connect with something we feel but maybe struggle to articulate. We Don’t Want What We Think We Want Toxic positivity is a problem in modern culture. It’s a symptom of what Susan Cain calls our fear of the dark. We think we want to eradicate the pain, but what we need is to accept and integrate it. Our favourite stories show us how pain, longing, joy, and meaning are all intimately connected. And our deep yearning is often “the reason we play moonlight sonatas and build rockets to Mars”. The Magic Happens In The Gap Waiting is not just good for us. It is necessary for true enjoyment to occur. It’s the space between the notes that give music meaning. It’s the space around the page that give words their definition. When Twin Peaks: The Return was released in 2017, it was the most painfully beautiful experience for me. With one episode per week between May and September, it went against the new norm of binge consumption that had developed over the previous five or six years. There was a beautiful pain in longing to know what happened next. A yearning for completion alongside the joy of not knowing. It’s the same pain as not yet knowing who the killer is in a murder mystery. And not knowing how a magic trick is done. It gives rise to a painful yearning. A desperate desire to know. But the discovery never truly fills the hole. It never makes us whole. Because the joy is in not knowing. And that kind of joy is impossible to bottle. The Inconsolable Longing For We Know Not What The object we desire might give a moment’s satisfaction but it won’t complete us. And that’s OK. Because life is all about making peace with the gap between the lines, the silence between the notes, and the space between the brush strokes. Our Life’s Work and Creative Offering We often use objects, people, labels, events, relationships, and other peoples’ creative work as surrogates for our own question of longing. Our life’s work begins to grow once we identify where we have offset our personal longing into external things. “Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering” What if “we transcend grief only when we realize how connected we are with all the other humans who struggle to transcend theirs?” The creative offering that emerges not despite the pain, but THROUGH it.

I don’t see gentleness as flimsy and weak. Lots of people do. They say it’s a lost cause and waste of time in a harsh world that only responds to violence. But what if it’s not? What if the way things are is linked to our collective relationship with gentleness itself? I wonder if we are quick to reject gentleness because gentleness is a threat to the world we say we don’t want but are afraid of changing in any meaningful way. That’s what I explore in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast. What IS Gentleness? Gentleness absorbs the shocks from life’s unavoidable collisions. It slows down, observes, and plugs in. It’s always alive to the need of the moment; a choice for right now. Never resting on its laurels or assuming that the right response for today is the right one for tomorrow. I feel it as an ever-present question. It invites us to see the part we play in creating the world with our words and actions. A Firm Back With a Soft Front I think gentleness is a force between worlds. Between lines. Between everything. Like glue on the one hand, and like a soft supportive pillow on the other. It is unknowable yet familiar. We recognise it when we see it in action but it seems impossible to truly define. People say it’s caring, kind, trustworthy, safe, respectful, backbone, wholehearted, holding account, and calm. It’s a firm back with a soft front. Both strong and able to flex. It holds us to account while accepting our mistakes. It makes room for humanity. For failure. For truth. Gentleness is Strength “Most of us, I believe, admire strength. It’s something we tend to respect in others, desire for ourselves, and wish for our children. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we confuse strength and other words–like aggression and even violence. Real strength is neither male nor female; but is, quite simply, one of the finest characteristics that any human being can possess.” – Mr Rogers Gentleness is Rebellion Gentle Rebel is my favourite way to describe introverted, sensitive people who quietly move against the grain of the world’s noise. But I don’t want to confuse gentleness with a personality trait. I don’t want to atomise the world any further with yet another identity that can be commodified and sold back to us in blueprints and merchandise. Gentleness is not like that. It’s not the preserve of a particular type of person. It’s deep and universal; a series of choices we make as we question and refuse to indulge in cycles of violence that destroy the world. Gentleness is Compassion Compassion means to suffer together. It reminds us that we are seen, heard, and not alone. We have a chronic lack right now because we rarely see people as people. We use boxes, labels, and generalisations instead. They’re quicker, simpler, and easy to transport. We don’t need to look with any depth at any individual. We know who they are by what they look like and how they sound. Compassion is gentle because it probes deeper than our artificial surfaces and conditioned exteriors. It is truly radical and revolutionary. Gentleness is Rhythm Water gets heavy use as a metaphor but I’m going to use it anyway. It not only tells us something about the characteristic of gentleness but it embodies gentleness in practice. The persistent flow over time that gives life to the earth, carves through mountains, and defines who we are. It is both a powerful force for change and a simple substance for sustaining life. Without it we wither and die. I love watching ocean waves lapping at the shore. I love to try imagining the billions of years that went into setting the scene for this moment. But my brain is too small to comprehend it. It’s impossible to grasp the power of water on the landscape when looking at one wave in one moment. Rhythmic repetition carves the world over time. It’s the same with gentleness. The gentle choice might seem powerless and small when we look at it in isolation. It’s not. Gentleness is Joy We often think of joy as a destination we will reach at the end of the struggle. But many of my most joyful memories contain bittersweet elements. Joy is underpinned by connection and a sense of aliveness. For me it occurs when I’m not on autopilot. When I’m not drifting but am aware and awake. Gentleness is about how we hold one another and ourselves. Joy is a spark of connection, within and between us. And it emerges not despite, but as part of some of life’s most heartbreaking and painful situations. At least that’s what I’ve found. Gentleness is Big Enough To Hold All of Us Susan Cain says, “the world is scared of the dark. Modern culture says smile, get over it, move on. Normative sunshine can distract you from your rightful heritage.” Much of the violence that threatens to take over the human spirit stems from a belief in conditional belonging. We are told what we must be, do, and have if we want to be loved. And that we must bury, hide, or change the bits of ourselves that don’t fit. Gentleness is not interested in that. It allows us to be who we are. Not simply as isolated individuals but as part of a beautiful whole. Gentleness is Awareness When I’m alert I’m in a state of stress. I see everything as a potential danger and something to fear. But when I’m aware I am plugged in at a deeper level. I can observe and filter information with intuition and wisdom. I can let things go. The world benefits from us being in a state of alertness. It fuels a scarcity mindset and a state of urgency. I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to spend money when I feel afraid. Gentleness is Playful Play is an expression of curiosity and wonder. It encourages us to let go of our pride, counter the hardened heart of cynicism, and release any fear about what others might think of us. This is gentleness. What Does Gentleness Make Possible? Universalising Connection Gentleness holds space for everyone. It doesn’t discriminate when it comes to upholding core universal values. Safety Gentleness is a reassuring voice that tells us it’s OK to be who we are, where we are, as we are. Creativity Gentleness provides the conditions for us to keep trying, learning and growing. It is a voice of encouragement, which says it’s fine to make mistakes and fail. Not only that, but it actively cheers us on as we do so. Helping us to share who we truly are with the world. Culture Gentleness holds space for the world to emerge from the values we collectively decide matter most to us. It helps society unite and grow, intentionally sowing seeds for the future together. How to Create The Conditions for Gentleness Gentleness looks different for everyone. It shows up differently depending on the situation. And it calls each of us to focus on different things. It’s dynamic and expansive. But one thing is always true. It starts with how we are held, and how we hold. Holding On If you pick up an animal and hold it in a way it doesn’t like, you will soon know about it. It’s the same with people. We can hold things (and one another) very ungently. Too tightly, possessively, or personally. But what happens when we hold on like this? We force people into corners, causing them to act out of character in order to save face. We reinforce the story we want to believe about them by treating them in a certain way. They may resist, struggle, and fight back. But another person’s resistance doesn’t necessarily prove our point about them. It might be an opportunity to think about the role we are playing. Likewise, what happens when it feels like WE are being held too tightly? Under those circumstances, we too might instinctively recoil, lash out, and fight back. Letting Go There is another side to this, however. Because when we are held gently we relax, we feel safe, and we let go of needing to prove anything or fight. Under those circumstances, we stop feeling so tense and worked up. We can start working in partnership with, rather than in opposition against the world around us. We can begin creating the conditions for more gentleness when we start to recognise the impact of this stuff. Where we might be trying to wriggle free or hit out. And where we are holding things so tightly that we are squeezing the life out of them. So how can we hold the world with more gentleness? Conclusion Gentleness supports and nurtures us with its firm back and a soft front. When we hold and are held with gentleness, we are allowed to become what we really are. So gentle IS the path of rebellion in a hostile world. And it’s always an option.

The Gentle Rebel Podcast explores the intersection of high sensitivity, creativity, and the culture around us. We consider ways to invite more joy and creative purpose in everyday life. By working out how to slow down in a fast-paced world. We all carry a natural rhythm that underpins who we are. And if we want to live healthy and effective lives, it can really help to be aware of how these inner tracks look and feel. Be a Gentle Rebel in a Hostile World The world is increasingly quick-tempered, hostile, and frantic. It can feel overwhelming at times. When we experience insensitivity, un-gentleness, and aggressive selfishness, it is tempting to hide from life, retaliate in kind, or give up hope altogether. Especially when we feel and care about things deeply. This is one of the reasons I love creating The Gentle Rebel Podcast. It gives me a source of meaningful connection with ideas, guests, and listeners. It makes a difference when we know we’re not alone. And there are still reasons to be hopeful even when hope feels lost. I want to encourage more people to locate, nurture, and enjoy their inner gentleness and playful rebellion in the face of such violence to the spirit. Deep Roots Take Time To Grow I’m a songwriter and professionally qualified coach. Over the years I’ve particularly enjoyed working to support introverted and sensitive types in learning more about their natural preferences. I love seeing people figure out how THEY want to approach life in order to make space for what makes life feel good and meaningful to THEM. The smallest shifts can make the biggest difference. And it often starts when we allow ourselves to see the ways we’ve tried squeezing ourselves like square pegs in round holes. Because this allows us to understand what we need instead. It’s Never Too Late For a Change The Gentle Rebel Podcast reflects a premise I carry into all of my work; that it’s never too late to write the next chapter in our story of becoming. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what’s happened so far, there is always the possibility of a shift. And we always have at least the smallest speck of power in how we position ourselves in relation to the next chapter. It can start with a simple question…what sort of world do I want to be part of creating? We think about how gentleness becomes rebellious in a world that wants to keep us divided and afraid. And we focus on bringing more gentleness to becoming more of who we are through nine core themes: change, belonging, serenity, strength, confidence, adventure, creativity, tranquility, and inspiration. Are you up for conducting experiments in gentleness, sensory awareness, personal growth, compassion, creativity, and play? You’re in the right place.