The Gentle Rebel Podcast

“Blessed are the weird people: poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, and troubadours, for they teach us to see the world through different eyes.” – Jacob Nordby In my six years as an undertaker, I was always struck by the ordinary weirdness of human beings. Eulogies are filled with memories of mundane idiosyncrasies, quirks, and funny habits. These are things we treasure and miss about people. Weirdness is par for the course of humanity. We are all weird in our own way. And yet we learn to fight those parts of ourselves that don’t fit the mould. We hide them, judge them, and crush them. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us”. She says, “because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging but often barriers to it.” And then later, in Braving The Wilderness, she described “the quest for true belonging” as underpinned by our “courage to stand alone”. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we ask how we might nurture the courage to embrace and express our normally weird selves in life. What Makes Us Ordinary is What Also Makes Us Weird Ordinary weirdness is not something that can be forced. It’s how we express our experience of life as the proverbial elephant. The Parable of The Blind Men and The Elephant You may know the story of the six blind men who wanted to figure out the form of an elephant. One man felt its trunk and believed the elephant was a thick snake. Another found the ear and compared it to a fan. The third felt the elephant’s leg and imagined it like a tree trunk. The fourth man felt the creature’s side and likened it to a wall. Another man felt its tail, believing it to be like a rope. And the last could touch the elephant’s tusk, declaring it to be a spear. “We get stuck in the metaphor of language. But it’s really the abstract sensation that connects everything. Art that is sensual goes straight to the ball of sensation that is in the centre of us. It bypasses words. This is what is Real.” – Alex Paxton My friend Alex talked about his relationship with art and its role in his understanding of life. Language is the imperfect tool we use to try to make abstract things concrete. But life is a lot like the elephant. We can feel and describe different parts of it. But none of us can ever capture the entire thing. And even as we define it, we do so with comparisons to other things. So art (and a life of ordinary creative exploration) keeps us moving around the elephant, finding new ways to feel, imagine, and describe it. But we never fully grasp it. Our experience and understanding of reality sits at the heart of our unique and weird ways of seeing the world. This is why there is always another piece to paint, song to sing, book to write, and truth to speak. Ordinary Weirdness in Everyday Life We discussed this in a Haven Kota session and recognised that “weird” is not an easy word for everyone to hold. It can carry baggage if used as an insult or criticism. There isn’t a perfect word to describe this ordinary everyday weirdness. We thought about “authentic”, but that carries a sense of essentialism, which I don’t think we’re talking about. It’s the freedom to engage with the present moment from the safe uncertainty of our ball of sensation. Belonging in The Wilderness Brené Brown says that True Belonging is the antidote to a crisis of disconnection . Braving the wilderness requires us to feel alone in the face of “uncertainty, vulnerability and criticism.” This is the definition of wilderness when the world feels hostile and “like a political and ideological combat zone”. But this is important because we become tied to a desire to fit in, gain approval, and do what the group needs of us. Which ignores this more resounding call for belonging that we all have. That “we’re connected by love and the human spirit. No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.” If we allow them to live, our weird bits connect us as we navigate the absurdity of life together. Joseph Campbell said, “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” This is a reminder that “true belonging is not something you negotiate externally; it’s what you carry in your heart. It’s finding the sacredness in being a part of something. When we reach this place, even momentarily, we belong everywhere and nowhere. That seems absurd, but it’s true.” Self-Belief, Impostor Syndrome, and True Belonging Impostor syndrome is the feeling that arises from the belief that we are not as competent as other people. Or we are not as capable as other people think we are. In other words, it’s the feeling that we don’t quite fit. The true impostor wants everyone to think they fit so that they can take something. Explorers, journeyers, dancers might be outsiders but they are not impostors. We are the poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, and troubadours. We belong to the outside, not with a desire to get in, but an openness to give, contribute, and feel this thing called life from another angle and through another lens. In this way, fitting in is different from belonging. Entitlement vs Belonging (True Safety) A desire for entitlement accompanies the drive to fit in. In contrast, the feeling of belonging is a place of universal acceptance (of ordinary weirdness). There are two types of safety that we find here. Entitlement is safety as protection from the outside, based on the special treatment you get on the inside. This kind of safety depends on you conforming to the requirements and conditions of the group. True belonging, however, is a sense of safety as permission to be you. Safety to be vulnerable rather than safety from vulnerability. You belong because you’re here. You don’t have to do anything, be anyone, or change yourself to be accepted. Perfectionism and Conditional Belonging One potential offshoot of conditional belonging is fear of failing and perfectionism. Where we become influenced by the consequences of messing up. Perfection is described as “the action or process of improving something until it is faultless”. How could we possibly reach such a place? ‘Perfectionism’ is not about achieving a tangible outcome. It’s an attachment to dissatisfaction in the face of everything. Perfectionism is not simply a desire for high standards and top-quality results. It is always in pursuit of satisfaction but can never be satisfied. No matter how good it gets, it will never do quite enough. Despite appearances, perfectionism is not about producing quality. It’s about our relationship with our belief in the idea of ‘faultless’. Perfection is like a black hole. It’s a void, made conspicuous by its lack of definition. And there’s no space for ordinary weirdness in there. An Ode to Imperfection and Ordinary Weirdness I wrote this ode to imperfection. https://youtu.be/7_G1cbOIutk Stop Caring THAT People Think We might defensively say, “I don’t care what people think of me “. But of course we care what people think. We are social animals with a basic need for safety and belonging. But when we allow ourselves to care about other things MORE, we can unshackle from the fear and shame-based responses to other people’s judgements and criticism. Self-consciousness is a disconnection from our self. Seeing ourselves through the projected critical or ridiculing eyes of the world around us comes in different shapes and forms. We can’t control WHAT people think, but we can make peace with the fact THAT people WILL think of us sometimes. By accepting that people will judge us and view us with criticism, envy, disdain and so on, we begin to change our relationship and stop caring THAT people think of us. Otherwise, we might stop doing what we love doing. We might not start doing what we’d love to do. And we might shrink ourselves and not contribute to our lives, our relationships, and the world at large in ways we feel calling from the ball of sensation inside us. Ordinary Weirdness and The Courage to Be Disliked In The Courage to Be Disliked, Kishimi and Koga introduce Alfred Adler’s school of Individual Psychology. They speak to the ordinary weirdness of everyday life and how we will be disliked no matter what we do. In other words, they suggest, we might as well be ourselves and contribute to creating a world we actually believe in as we go. This is not a case of acting IN ORDER to be disliked. It’s acting DESPITE the inevitability of being disliked. Being liked or disliked isn’t the driving force…our deeper values and principles are. Identifying Our Path – Confidence in How We Go Self-belonging gives us confidence in HOW we choose to be, not in WHAT we are allowed (or not) to be. Likewise, there’s something beautiful about getting to know someone over time and seeing glimpses of their weird normality. No one is entitled to those parts of us. Letting our weird out is a choice. In safe environments and when we experience the safety of other people, our weirdness will probably slip out. We need these environments, these people, and these places, because our everyday weirdness can get locked away, stuck behind glass. Of course, Introverts and Highly Sensitive People get told to come out of their shells or speak up. But no one is entitled to an open you. It might be that right now, you let your inner weird breathe when you’re alone. In your studio, bedroom, kitchen, garden, etc. as long as you have somewhere to keep in touch with it. I would hate for it to stay behind glass! The Temple of Dreams In Blessed Are The Weird, Jacob Nordby shares a story called, The Temple Of Dreams. In the story, the wise woman asks the man what he wants. He can’t answer. He says he doesn’t know. But then comes the realisation, “I do want something, or I wouldn’t be here. It’s just that I have become content with my things.” “I want everything exactly as it is,” he said. “I know that life unfolds to give me what is best.” “Well, I have a house and comfortable things. I enjoy my work and appreciate my friends. I have everything a man should want except….” “Except,” she said. “Tell me the except. ‘Except’ is everything you have never dared to ask.” In our Haven Kota conversation, we explored different ways of relating to the “except”. Maybe we know what our “except” is, but something stops us from following it. Or perhaps we understand we want something, but we can’t figure out what. There is ALWAYS an “except” at some level. Something is always alive in us. And I finish the episode with a reflective question that can help us identify our feelings and needs at any given moment. What is Alive in You Right Now? https://youtu.be/eSCCxOWRyrg

Deep processing is a core aspect of high sensitivity. But processing is an important thing for all of us to do. And it’s not easy to find the time and space for it in a fast-changing world that never takes a breath. This is what we’re exploring in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast. How can we create better conditions for deep processing in everyday life? Responding to a Fast-Changing World Everything moves so rapidly in our modern world. There is pressure to process and adapt to changes much faster than we have had to in the past. We are exposed to huge amounts of information and expected to somehow make sense of it and apply it to our own lives. So how do we process and respond to such a fast-paced world? Shallow Rivers and Deep Lakes There is an old proverb that says “shallow rivers are noisy. Deep lakes are silent.” What does this mean for our sense of self-belonging and our ability to absorb change? When things are thrown into our life from outside, like a big rock, a great splash and disturbance occur as it comes flying through the surface. But after a while, the rock is absorbed into the landscape in the depths of this body of water. There is an unshakeable power to the deep lake. That can be both safe and terrifying. In the story of the Steadfast Tin Soldier, we meet a character who appears to be a deep lake. But his silence, stillness, and stoicism speaks of unbelonging. He seems unable to express his true needs and feelings; hamstrung by the story he’s been taught to believe about himself. Absorbing the blow is one part. But for true integration to happen we must also respond to it in some way. The change that happens around us fundamentally changes something in us too. Whereas the Tin Soldier appears unmoved and unchanged because he can’t allow himself to feel his needs or need his feelings. Gentleness gives us the firm back and soft front to be flexible and adapt to the situation at hand. It is the openness, awareness, and intuition to choose based on what we see in front of us rather than what we think we ought to do. When we allow space for deep processing we nurture a deeper pool of options to draw from in different situations. Cold Bucket Experiences In her book, You Don’t Owe Anyone, Caroline Garnet McGraw tells the story of what she describes as a “cold bucket experience”. I share the story in the episode. You can also hear Caroline talk about it when we spoke. In childhood we might hear messages like: “Why are you doing it like that? That’s stupid!” Or “that’s just your imagination – grow up!” And “only an idiot would enjoy that kind of thing”. Or “why are you crying? You need thicker skin if you’re going to survive the real world”. These messages prompt us to filter ourselves as we make sense of what we need to do to avoid rejection. So we might recoil, hide, and replace those parts of ourselves that we feel ashamed of. And amplify behaviours that we believe will help us gain approval and acceptance, safety and belonging. Cold Bucket Experiences are similar to what might be described as “small-t” or “paper-cut” traumas. They feed the script that we write for our route into belonging and safety from a very young age. And without a bit of examination and space for processing, they become well-worn paths that we walk throughout our lives. When You Feel Unseen and Unknown In his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté describes trauma, not as something that happens TO you but as what happens INSIDE you. It’s a psychic injury, lodged in our nervous system, mind, and body. I was reminded of Caroline’s story when reading Maté’s book because she describes the deep impact of something that seems so ordinary on the surface. Maté says this kind of small-t everyday trauma is almost universal. We all carry them, often from seemingly ordinary events. Cold bucket experiences might also come from what Winnicott referred to as “nothing happening when something might have profitably happened” . So moments when we needed reassurance, acceptance, or acknowledgement. Maybe we were ignored or forgotten about at a moment we needed to be recognised in some way. Bessel van der Kolk, says this kind of trauma is “when we are not seen and known” . Over-Empathy and Deep Patterns In a Courtyard workshop, Marika Vepsäläinen explained how over-empathy has become a survival strategy for many sensitive people. Where they learn to soothe, solve, regulate, and balance the emotional energy in social environments and relationships. Early in life we all pick up more and less acceptable emotions to show to the world around us. Especially in those nurturing formative environments. We learn what is required in order to feel a sense of belonging, safety, and acceptance. And we quickly figure out what we shouldn’t do, say, believe, think, and feel, if we want to fit in. Deep Processing and Loss When it comes to absorbing change, deep processing requires patience. David Kessler, the co-author of “On Grief and Grieving“, writes that “meaning” is the 6th stage of grief. This kind of integration of loss into our state of being can’t be rushed or forced. The word healing means to restore to wholeness. And while the word “restore” implies a sense of return or going back, healing is more than that. Because healing never goes back to the same state as before. There is always something changed – something added, something let go, something different. The wholeness of healing is an integration of the experience. Where we absorb the site of the pain, loss, and rupture. The hole isn’t filled. It’s accepted. Healing after grief is about allowing what is not there to be not there. And for that to be part of the landscape going forward. Healing is about accepting the hole within the whole and allowing that to be part of who we are. Levels of Processing In my conversation with Bill Allen, author of Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Man, he talked about highly sensitive people having a wider aperture for sensory input. And like on a camera, more information flows through the lens. If we don’t make space and time to process the information it just stacks up as noise. This is why highly sensitive people get overstimulated more quickly. At its most effective, deep processing happens at different levels. Deep Overground Processing and Response Flexibility “Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through the lips and fingertips.” – Dawson Trotman We can write or speak with people (or ourselves) as a way to process things deeply. This is a conscious approach to processing, giving us chance to converse with and become aware of our thoughts and feelings. Overground processing helps us identify clear options to choose between. It’s a way to increase Response Flexibility , which is what Rollo May defined when said: “Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between the stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight. The capacity to create ourselves, based upon this freedom, is inseparable from consciousness or self-awareness” Overground processing helps us know where we want to throw our weight. And this helps us more quickly filter options and make choices that fit our deeper visions and values. Without deep processing, we are at the whims of our survival strategies and the reactions we create as a way to keep life safe rather than meaningful. Deep Underground Processing Many of us have experienced an “aha!” moment in the shower or while we’re walking. When our mind is wandering and suddenly we know what we need to do with a particular situation, problem, or creative challenge. Deep underground processing helps create the conditions for these moments. It happens without conscious thought. Like the beating of our hearts and the rhythm of our breath. Depth of Processing and Downtime Studies show that people with sensory processing sensitivity use more of those parts of the brain associated with the “deeper” processing of information, especially on tasks that involve noticing subtleties. Highly sensitive people might take longer when making decisions and taking action. Especially when processing a lot of new information. But deep processing doesn’t automatically mean slow processing. When we have good processing rhythms in place, highly sensitive people can actually process and respond to things with quick wit, intuitive awareness, and fast reflexes. Elaine Aron says highly sensitive people need downtime with as little sensory input from the outside world as possible. But we probably don’t need as much as we might think. We just need to make it effective. Which can be a challenge when there is so much pressure to be busy, productive, and useful all the time. What Happens Without Deep Processing? We don’t process anything deeply at a societal level. We can see the impact of this with the increase in urgency, dread stacking, catastrophising, feelings of anxiety, hopelessness and resentment. As well as increasing disconnection, fragmentation, and disintegration. Processing is the pathway to healing. It needs to be a priority for us as individuals AND as a world. Otherwise we will keep on being defined by the symptoms of our wounds. Slow Coaching and The Deep Processing Approach Deep processing has become a central aspect of my coaching approach. We follow a cycle of deep processing in The Haven, through our nine core themes. Rather than trying to understand everything we can about a theme all in one go, we open space for conversation (with ourselves and one another). It’s a beautiful way to invite deep and meaningful growth as we uncover new desires, discover new ways of approaching old things, and build friendships along the way. Deep processing can’t be rushed or forced. It can only be allowed. Released. Given permission. Conclusion – Prepare to Be Unprepared When we process, absorb, and integrate unexpected change into our lives, we become prepared to be unprepared for what we can’t see coming. This happens through: Patience – processing can take time and isn’t always obvious Surrender – processing can’t be forced or controlled Gentleness – processing requires flexibility and openness to new ways of doing things

Sometimes drift comes through the endless pursuit of goals we hope will make us happy. Or it might come as we passively float along the path of least resistance, hoping something motivates us to take action. There are many different ways we can find ourselves drifting through life. We never drift to a destination we have consciously chosen. It’s through deliberate movement in the right direction that we get to where we want to go. Sometimes we need to pick up the oars and start gently rowing in a new direction. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore ways we might find ourselves drifting in life. We will think about where we might be drifting right now and how to turn our drifting into repeat blooming. Late Blooming Do you feel like a late bloomer? “The more I learn about late blooming, the more I think we’re all late bloomers. Our society pushes us to achieve early, to all of our detriments. I can remember feeling like a late bloomer in my 20s, and I certainly feel like one now, in the midst of a career change in midlife! Really we should be embracing late blooming, or as I like to call it, repeat blooming. Life just feels so much better when you believe that it has more than one act.” Kendra Patterson Late Bloomers don’t just approach life at a slower speed. Their orientation to the world is different from what we might consider normal modes of operation. Kendra encourages us to find reassurance in the differences between conceptual and experimental types of people. Conceptual Types Conceptual Types have a clear picture of how they want things to look. They work deductively. In other words, they know where they want to go and create a clear plan to get there. Weinberg and Galenson (2019) looked at the lives of Nobel Laureates in Economics. They found that Conceptual innovators made their most significant contributions to the field in their mid-20s. Experimental Types (The Late Bloomers) Experimental Types start with a step and build incrementally. Often without a clear picture of where each step will lead them. They connect dots as they go. Discovery underpins their creativity. They work inductively (accumulating knowledge from experience). In the research, Weinberg and Galenson found that Experimental types made their most significant impact during their fifties. That’s thirty years later than their conceptual peers. The future emerges from a pathway of incremental curious exploration for experimental types. We connect dots and build from one experience to the next. As such, life is naturally slower to unfold and evolve. This is why experimental people are often “late” or “repeat” bloomers. It also explains why experimental types might sometimes feel like we are drifting through life. Society’s Preference Society doesn’t openly encourage an experimental approach. The effectiveness and efficiency of conceptual thinking are far easier to measure. You either succeed or fail with the goal you have set yourself. Society also celebrates and glorifies stories of youth and early bloomer success. This puts a countdown timer on a person’s sense of self-worth. And if we miss the imaginary boat, we might resign ourselves to the belief that our fate is to drift through life instead. Lots of us struggle with the linear nature of the conceptual approach. Maybe you do too? The Impossible Question Where do you see yourself in five years? How do you respond to that question? You might find it hard to answer if you’re an experimental thinker because it’s almost impossible to know. A common assertion in personal development is that you should “begin with the end in mind”. But what if the end is not that simple? Or at the very least, we need to approach it in more creative ways. For many of us, our deepest desires are not endpoints. Instead, they are inexplicable moments and feelings brought about by an openness to a life of slow meandering and repeat blooming. Along an evolving and experimental pathway of incremental steps? It doesn’t mean we drift through life, but rather that we have a different approach. The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Life’s Drift Society celebrates people who followed a conviction about what they wanted to do with their life from an early age—those who “pursued their passion” with relentless drive and determination. We say “follow your dream” with the unspoken assertion that everyone has one. We were born to do a tangible, concrete thing with our life. And some people find this idea of “finding their purpose” exciting and enjoyable. But for others, it can be a significant source of underlying anxiety. It can feel like we’re doing it wrong. Like we’re drifting through life as perennial underachievers. But what if we made room for all of these orientations to progress? Realising that for many people, success is not the destination; it’s the joy of discovery, exploration, and experimentation along the way. A Different Way of Being Before we restrict the idea of drifting to experimental types, it’s important to point out that conceptual goal-driven people fall into drift patterns just as quickly. For the conceptual types, they might drift away from themselves through an unhealthy attachment to up and to the right. They tether to goals as the source of their identity. It can look like growth, but it might take them off track in a very linear way—the pursuit of MORE, BETTER, FASTER etc. When the more, better, faster becomes the aim, they lose sight of what matters deeper down. Whatever its source, the first part of responding to the drift is awareness. To recognise how it feels and what it’s telling you. And to ask yourself, what do I want instead? And to come home to the stuff that truly matters for us as individuals. Away from the stories we tell ourselves about what we should do and who we should be if we want to fit in. The Treadmill of Pursuit Humans are excellent at adapting to new realities. It’s an ability that has been key to our survival as a species. But this can also lead to a life of drift as an endless quest for elusive happiness. “The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.” Wikipedia Hedonic Adaptation can leave us drifting through life without realising it. We adapt to each accomplishment, pleasure, or success and seek the next. We are pulled along by the feeling rather than any more profound sense of meaning or connection to core values. Slower Souls and Experimental Trailblazers An “up and to the right” society might view” inside-out becoming” as drifting, procrastination, and wasting time. Unfortunately, this message can seep into the story experimental types tell themselves about themselves. A life of drift becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because it’s impossible to bend ourselves out of shape when it comes to these natural preferences. For example, you won’t reach your potential if you’re rushed into completing things before you’ve had the time and space you need to explore at your own pace. And you won’t hit the standards you want. Such pressure prevents you from bringing the best of yourself to the world. And it buries the truth of who you are and limits your abilities. Contributing Factors To A Life of Drift Drift is an unsettling and anxious driving force. It leads us away from ourselves. Either as an inability to take the next step (analysis paralysis and fear of doing the wrong thing). Or frenetic action (mindless movement in any direction – it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you don’t stop). When we drift, we lose control of our direction. We have no agency over the route we take. Things happen to us and around us. And finding a way back to ourselves can be difficult when the drift takes hold. Everything Is Breath Clocks, seasons, and years represent time. These are repeating cycles with rhythmic patterns, expansions, and contractions. And yet we often conceptualise time as linear. A path we are on from birth to death. Everything is breath. An inhale, and an exhale. The myth keeps going. We hit certain milestones, encouraged and judged by passing time. We even use age as a symbolic representation of who we are. And yet it says nothing intrinsically meaningful about a person. We know that it means nothing. Just think of your response to the question, “how does it feel to be ten?” or “how does it feel to be fifty?” It feels no different at all. Why? Because we don’t find deep joy in the linear experience. Happiness, flow, and creativity transcend the boxes, labels, and identities into which we try to squeeze life. The Top Five Regrets of The Dying Palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware recorded patients’ thoughts in the final twelve weeks of their lives. “When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.” “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” “I wish that I had let myself be happier.” I would suggest that drift infuses all five of these biggest regrets. Strip Away The Complexity “Many people think they lack motivation when they really lack clarity.” – James Clear Drift in life often occurs when we over-complicate simple things. Make The Right Thing The Easy Thing To Do It’s easy to overcomplicate our goals. We often overthink plans, get derailed by perfectionism, and become bogged down in minor details. Unfortunately, this leads us to sabotage our efforts by clouding the view of the road ahead. This might be the point at which we decide we’re not quite ready. We need more motivation before we can take the next step. But at times like this, we don’t need more motivation. Or inspiration. Or willpower. It would help if we had clarity: simple plans and a clear next step in the right direction. Small steps, when strung together, result in big shifts. The End Goal is The Starting Point Walking in circles sometimes has negative connotations. It conjures an image of confusion, chaos, and an inability to commit to the right path forwards. But what happens when the path IS circular? I think this is a constructive way to think about personal growth. It doesn’t happen in straight lines. It always happens in roundabouts, seasons, and loops. When you embark on a circular walk, your ultimate goal is to get back to where you started. But we all know that is not the purpose of such an activity. We find a sense of meaning en route. The circular hike is a helpful image to remember when focussing on “getting to the end”. It reminds us that the waypoints are the whole point. The Waypoints Are the Whole Point If we want a purposeful journey that we can relax into and enjoy, we need an idea of how to get to where we’re going. In the case of a circular walk, it is back to where we already are. A circular hike requires a plan. First, we need to know where we will travel to find our way back to the start. Waypoints anchor us along the path we have chosen to take. We know we’re on the right road because of signs we recognise as part of the route. I love this metaphor for life’s projects, hopes, and dreams. Progress emerges through expanding spirals, returning seasons, and repeting cycles. There’s Always a Way Back But if we set off without a plan, we constantly wonder if we’re going the right way. In such a case, the risk of drifting somewhere we don’t want to be and getting lost becomes very real. We might keep going a bit further, hoping it will work itself out once we get over the next hill or round the next corner. Sometimes life is a bit like this. We are so fixed on the idea of a destination (the end of the rainbow) that we can lose sight of the present. And we fail to identify the simple steps we can take past meaningful waypoints on our way back home. We think that if we keep going, we will eventually land where we want to be. Yet chances of that happening are incredibly slim. At times like this, anxiety and panic eventually set in. “What am I doing? Where am I? All of this feels unfamiliar, and I don’t know which way to go.” But this is not the end of the matter. If we stop for a moment, look up, and find ourselves on the map, there is always a way back. And even this will become part of that adventure. Because we find the treasure right here right now: the stories (getting lost), the views (looking up), the perspective (look how far I’ve come), that leave us fundamentally changed when we finally make it back to “the start”. The Return to Serenity Island At the end of the episode, I share the first soundscape from The Return to Serenity Island, a course about coming home to who we are at the core of our being. Through it, we draw playful maps that help us understand the non-linear contours of who we are and what truly matters to us so that we can grow ourselves (and our future) from the inside out. This first of six audio journeys is the invitation home through the fog. The fog IS “the drift”, and the lighthouses pull us back home to a safe reconnection with who we truly are.

Perfectionism and a fear of failure can hold us back from doing what matters to us. But what about fear of success? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we look at the role fear can play when it comes to holding back so things don’t go too well. I was inspired by this episode of Kendra Patterson’s Stepping Off Now podcast. She drew from an article called, 8 Reasons a Fear of Success, Not Failure, Is Holding You Back to ask whether “Fear of Success” is anything more than another term for a fear of failure. I take this question and explore it further. If it IS different to a fear of failure, what is it we are actually afraid of? What IS success? And can our wariness and suspicion help rather than hinder our relationship with meaningful change, progress, and growth? Change as a Threat Success can feel like a threat to our sense of safety. Change is often difficult to embrace and instigate, even when we deeply desire it. There are a lot of unknown aspects when it comes to making change happen in our lives. Even if we are excited about having it, we can struggle to get going if we don’t have a safe and simple map to follow. We choose old patterns, behaviours, and choices over the fear of discomfort and uncertainty. The “Mere Exposure Effect” or Familiarity Principle says that when we make choices, we tend to gravitate towards preferences for things we recognise. But What IS Success? Have you ever thought about what success actually means? How would you define it? Maybe it’s a feeling. Perhaps it’s a state of being. Or a context-specific outcome. It’s a word that can mean many different things. Yet we often expect everyone to be on the same page with it. I saw the phrase, “we all want to be successful” a lot when reading about this topic. At first glance, it seems like an obvious thing to agree with. But think about it for a moment and the words become slippery and empty. What do we mean by “successful”? Is your definition the same as mine? Do we value the same things? 8 Reasons Fear of Success Might Be Holding Us Back In the original article, the author gives eight reasons fear of success might cause someone to sabotage their own progress towards things that matter to them. 1. We’re Afraid of the Unknown We might worry that we won’t cope with the changes success might bring. What waits around the corner if this goes to plan? Maybe we fear the unknown potential consequences of success. What if we can’t cope with everything that follows? What if we accidentally invent an atomic bomb? 2. We’re Afraid of the Demands Success Might Make of Us What happens when I achieve this goal? Are people going to demand more, bigger, better? Will I lose creative control? Will everyone want a piece of this? A piece of me? That sounds exhausting. 3. We’re Afraid of the Responsibility Success Might Bring In Top Gun, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (Tom Cruise) is satisfied with his position as a naval captain. After many decades of service, he still gets to fly planes and do what he enjoys so much. People assume that something must have gone wrong in his career. Surely he should have risen through the ranks by now. But that’s not the case. He has never wanted that. Success for him is understanding what he loves and doing as much of it as he can. Success might mean adding more responsibility to our bag. But if that responsibility seems like a burden rather than an opportunity, we might be operating within someone else’s definition of success. 4. We’re Afraid of the Attention Success Could Attract Some people love being the centre of attention. While others would find it enough of a threat to play small and avoid success at all costs, if it means everyone looking at them. But it doesn’t need to be a binary choice. There are plenty of very successful people who most of us wouldn’t recognise if they were in front of us at the supermarket checkout. Prolonged attention and exposure is usually a choice we have to keep making. 5. We’re Afraid of Losing Our Identity We are always in a state of becoming. As life changes so do we. Picking up and shedding various identities we might need to use along the way. Our sense of identity (who we appear to be to the outside world) is always in flux. It becomes less important when we focus on strengthening and building our character (who we are on the inside). As we grow and shed certain identity labels, rwe might no longer fit by the crowd’s standards, expectations, and rules. 6. We’re Afraid Success Won’t Bring Us Happiness We might fear coming face to face with the truth that no success can bring us ever-lasting wholeness, satisfaction, or happiness. If we attach magical thinking to a particular pursuit (“achieving this will make my life perfect”), then it’s an understandable fear. We unconsciously recognise that “success” will be disappointing. Better to self-sabotage and believe that the success that eludes us holds the key to happiness than to find out first-hand that it doesn’t. 7. We’re Afraid of Losing Those We Care About Relationships are dynamic creatures. They morph and change over time. What does it mean to fear losing those we care about when we succeed? Drifting apart because of time pressures? What if the integrity of our most important relationships is part of our overall definition of success? 8. We’re Afraid We Might Get Carried Away with Success Is this about getting carried away with the frenetic and endless pursuit of achievements? That seems to be counter to a healthy definition of success. It is an avoidable type of drift. Foreboding Joy In a Haven Kota gathering, we talked about the relationship between success and joy. What if a successful life is simply a joy-fuelled life, where we unapologetically live in a state of deep self-acceptance and authenticity? Some of us might have developed a sense of superstitious distrust about joy. We might feel that allowing ourselves to experience joy sets us up for disappointment. In this sense, fear of success is a fear of joy. This is described by Brené Brown when she says: “Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that we won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult. We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster. And we struggle with the worthiness issue. Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections? What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world? Who are we to be joyful?… Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience, and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen — and they do happen — we are stronger.” – Brené Brown Anticipatory Grief “This too shall pass” is a mantra that works to help us get through hard times, but also to remember the fragility and preciousness of the good times. While at first glance anticipatory grief might appear dour, it brings us to life in the present. Where we might enjoy our blessings, embrace gratitude, and live in communion with the passing of time and the inevitability of change. Emily Agnew says that “to mourn something is also to celebrate it”. She suggests that “mourning things in advance does not count as Gloomy Behavior”, rather it “introduces dangerously Grateful Tendencies” and can “heighten our awareness of all that is most precious”. These concepts help us hold less tightly to fear of change, loss, uncertainty etc. And to embrace the dynamic nature of reality. Wariness of Success Wariness comes from the same root as awareness: to perceive, be watchful, and express vigilance. Deep processing is a major aspect of sensory processing sensitivity. Highly Sensitive People might anticipate potential consequences and implications of change that are overlooked or ignored by other people. This is a really valuable trait but might be seen as negative in a world that values outward expansion, perpetual growth, and progress above depth, sustainability, and integrity. It might even come across as negative, cynical, and “holding things back” at times. Have you ever felt like you can anticipate potential risks that others seem to overlook or ignore? Does this feel like a positive thing? The wariness of highly sensitive people can be a huge benefit to society. Anticipating problems down the line, connecting dots and predicting future trends and shifts. But it’s often overlooked or ignored. And the “prophets” are sometimes shunned and shamed. The truth is, that most people don’t like to look at problems or potential obstacles. Especially if it requires them to stop and change a particular course of action. Fearing success has a very healthy side to it. It helps us prepare for and respond to the negative residue of our pursuits. There are almost ALWAYS negative aspects of success. The Trappings of Success Our wariness of success is an important thing to listen to. There are VERY real risks that can come with making a change or pursuing success. Anticipating and planning for what is likely to happen is different from worrying about what COULD happen. Wariness gives us practical actions to take so we can be confident in the path ahead. Worry is an endless and unresolvable loop. Wariness is a definable pause. It allows us to assess, analyse, and decide how we want to proceed based on other factors (our values, potential implications on a variety of things, how it will impact us in general etc). Doing Well, Doing Harm and Business as Usual In their book, Active Hope, Joanne Macy and Chris Johnstone write, “Each story of how we see the world carries within it assumptions about what we mean by “doing well” and “doing harm.” Within Business as Usual, a country is doing well if its economy is growing. A business is doing well if it is expanding. A person is doing well if their income is increasing.” Success is often restricted to a lens of outward growth and expansion. But this definition has serious consequences. And true success is about so much more than this. It has to be. Feelings And The Fear Of Success Many of us carry a version of “success” that we might have never questioned. It is tied up with the story we were given by other people. Fear of success might be tied to the fear of a particular feeling related to our own desires and dreams around making changes in life. For example, it’s wrong to get what you want. Or that it’s wrong to want anything at all. We might fear the judgement that tells us we are ungrateful or unworthy, so we hold back, play small, and live in service of other peoples’ desires instead. Conclusion It’s not clear whether fear of success is really a factor in how we might sabotage our own relationship with change. But I think I would suggest that it’s more than fear of failure in disguise. It’s complicated and contextual. And it largely depends on how we conceptualise and define success. So, what does success mean to you? Have you ever given this much thought? Write down a definition. Open a conversation with yourself. Don’t worry about getting it “right”. There is no correct answer. It’s a word full of contradiction and nuance. It’s deeply personal and it’s full of baggage. What would it mean to live a successful life? How would you know when you’re there?

There are three types of change in life. First; there’s the kind we know is coming but can’t stop. Secondly; the kind we make happen ourselves. And thirdly; the kind we can’t see coming. In this episode, I look at the first kind and ask how we embrace change – rather than resisting it – as life moves from one season to the next. We cannot prevent the change that comes from time doing its thing. But we can learn to gently release any anxious resistance we might feel towards it. That’s what we will do a bit of through this episode as we explore how to embrace change as part of life even when we find the idea of it uncomfortable. Types of Change to Embrace We have an obsession in the modern world with fighting time. Fighting natural processes and the movement of the seasons. I want to ponder in this episode what could happen if we surrender this need to control, fight, and dominate nature. The dawn signals the emergence of the sun on the horizon. It is coming whether we wish it to arrive or not. Likewise, a few hours later, the sun will disappear and the dusk will take us into the night. To wish for the day during the night and night during the day is to waste our energy and emotion on the unchangeable inevitability. We waste a lot of energy on things we cannot change. And we neglect the things we can. We might also neglect the slow and steady becoming of our lives. Ageing (our own and others) The modern world holds age and ageing in a strange way. We judge it, shame it, and hold it as something to fight. So it’s no wonder why we’re afraid to embrace change if it’s collectively judged so harshly. And it has become an act of rebellion to accept and invite the changes that come from natural ageing. Even though it happens to EVERYONE. All of us. Evolution of Belonging(s) There are other things that naturally change with the passing of time. Communities Maybe you’ve experienced the evolution of a community you’ve been part of. Whatever things are like right now is not how it will stay. Communities change as members drift in and out, novel ideas become old, and challenges shake things up. Our resistance to change can mark the beginning of the end. Whereas if we embrace and roll with it, changes can keep a community fresh and moving forward. Products Over time the novelty wears off. We eventually get used to and bored by the things we own. And as newer versions are released, our old product feels tired and outdated. But we can use this awareness to change our relationship with stuff. Bearing in mind that however shiny and exciting something appears right now, over time it will become like everything else. Relationships Relationships change over time. They move through seasons of growth. They might experience periods of stagnation. Change is always present whether we want it or not, so it takes deliberate work to maintain healthy connections with people in our lives. Education There’s an episode of Rick and Morty when Jerry is creating a solar system model with Morty and he starts to add Pluto. Morty tells him that Pluto is “no longer a planet.” When Jerry confirms this to be true he resists it. He learned in 3rd grade it was a planet and refuses to believe anything else. Embracing change is a bit like a muscle. We need to keep doing it in order to grow its strength and effectiveness. Are we open to change, or do we resist it like Jerry? Work We can expect workplaces to change over time too. As well as external conditions that give rise to certain needs in the wider world. Everything is impacted by everything, and we must be ready to expect the professional impact from shifts in the world at large. What Embracing Change Makes Possible “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” – John Allen Paulos Everything and everyone is in a constant state of becoming. We are always becoming, and we never fully arrive. If we embrace this state we can experience some positive effects: Hope and Hopefulness C.R Snyder referred to hopefulness as the “perceived capability to derive pathways to desired goals, and motivate oneself via agency thinking to use those pathways.” If we live within a spirit of hope we can be resilient in the face of change and we can also be intentional and active in response to the change that happens in life, even when we don’t like it. Depth When we allow change to be, we build on what has been before. Rather than living at the level of how things appear to be, we can embrace what going on deep beneath the surface. Clarity and Vision “We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” Richard Rohr Embracing change isn’t just something we do in our minds. It’s a dance we do with our lives. Our Best Work We are not limited to what has been before. That is all just a prelude to what is still to come. When we relinquish the power of trying to replicate/imitate/return to the past, we are free to build on it and create something completely new with our lives. Perspective and Wisdom We are part of a much bigger story. We are not the hero, we are part of a beautiful ensemble. When we embrace change we are better able to meaningful connect dots around our lives. Change is what brings perspective and wisdom. It’s the stuff we can pass on to future generations and other people we encounter. The Risks When We Don’t Embrace Change What might happen if we continue to resist change in life? Childish Immaturity If we fear change like ageing, we might fail to see the enjoyable and valuable aspects of different seasons of life. Shallow Living We might spend all our energy and resources on the surface rather than allowing the natural depths that occur over time. Stuckness and Nostalgia If we don’t embrace change we might get stuck in the past. As we move from one season to the next we might experience nostalgic blindness to the possibility of today. “While restorative nostalgia returns and rebuilds one homeland with paranoic determination, reflective nostalgia fears return with the same passion.” Svetlana Boym In her 2001 book, The Future of Nostalgia, Svetlana Boym pointed out a difference between restorative nostalgia, and reflective nostalgia. Restorative nostalgia is driven by the belief that the past holds the key to that desire to feel happy and at home in the present. It is a drive to reconstruct and relive the way you believe things were in the past. Embracing change is about honouring reflective nostalgia while rejecting the temptation to dive into restorative nostalgia. We can enjoy nostalgia. But we must never believe it. Forever Fighting If we resist change, we might always feel like we’re in a tussle with our nature. Humans have a strange need to impose our will on it and dominate it. And yet as we all know, there are some things that can’t be resisted. How Do You Embrace Change? So the question is, how do we actually begin to embrace this kind of change? It’s easy to say in theory, but what does it look like in practice? Gratitude Rather than wishing to return, practice gratitude for fond memories. Instead of yearning to go back to the past, practice feeling thankful and allowing them to be. Move With The Train Sometimes our resistance to change comes because we feel like we’re not where we’re supposed to be. But this can lead us to live like we’re walking towards the back of a moving train. Trying to return to where we were without realising that there’s no way to stop the whole thing from moving forwards. Reflective Preparation Embracing change is about being prepared for life’s inevitable transitions. As much as we can be. Embrace the mantra that “this too shall pass”. This applies to positive and negative situations alike. And we can learn to hold lightly to all things. Anticipatory Grief Anticipatory Grief is the feeling of loss for something or someone that is still there. It’s a phenomenon most often experienced in anticipation of the impending death of a loved one. However, it can be experienced in all sorts of ways and about all manner of things. Even pets and holidays! Anticipatory grief can bring us to a place of gratitude for what is in front of us right now in this moment. There are parts of it that can teach us what is important and give us an appreciation for the present. It helps us to hold lightly to the things which we have no control over. And it rips away the tendency to take things for granted. But it can be paralysing, and can lead us to actively avoid things that we want to do, because we are afraid of their eventual demise. We might find ourselves withdrawing from important stuff over time. I wrote a post about this a number of years ago, talking about how I stopped listening to one of my favourite podcasts at the time because I was overcome by the fear that it would end. Mad! Keep a Record Embracing change happens when we keep some kind of record of our lives. It’s so easy to forget how far we’ve come. You can’t watch your fingernails grow in real-time, yet they do. One of the great benefits of keeping a journal is being able to see HOW MUCH GROWS in a short period of time. What Would a Time Lapse of the Past Year Look Like? It may be difficult to comprehend change in our own lives because it can happen so incrementally. Sometimes it’s difficult to notice; a bit like walking up a hill via the slightest of inclines. It may take a very long time but with each stride you are closer to the top and only after a long time when you look back will you realise how far you’ve climbed. There is no time lapse for us to instantly see our own progress. We can however reflect and consider the different points of our journey back over the past year or so. And it can become evident and encouraging to realise that we are perhaps not as stagnant or stationary as we feel. Conclusion We’ve all written scripts about embracing, instigating, and absorbing change in our lives. These scripts can serve or sabotage us. The Change Quiz It can be hard to know where to focus your energy and attention when responding to life’s changes. Maybe you’re ready to make a change but are uncertain about what to do next. Or perhaps you’re undergoing an undesired change and struggling to find footing. The Change Quiz is designed to help you understand the overall landscape in your current relationship with change. This will help you consider simple, manageable, gentle steps to take as you move into this season of change. Take The Quiz The Haven – Embrace Change Alongside Others For many of us our relationship with change is made more difficult because we feel like we are on our own. It can seem overwhelming when no one around us sees things like we do. The burden of change is heavy to carry alone. That’s one of the reasons I built The Haven the way I have. It’s a place of sanctuary and support, where you will find like-minded travellers exploring our themes together. So if you would like to approach this season of change with the gentle support of a safe and caring community of loving misfits you are so very welcome to join us.

“How can I stop being so introverted? Any advice would be very welcome.” I was asked this question for the first time a few years ago. I’ve been asked it many times since. In fact, the blog post I wrote in response to it was one of the most visited articles on my website. I wanted to help introverts to move in sync with their natural rhythms instead of resenting them. So I’ve turned the post into a podcast episode so that we can explore what this might look like in more depth. Why Do You Want to Stop Being Introverted? It’s easy for me to say “just embrace your introversion, it’s who you are”, but I know it’s not that simple. There are good reasons why we might wish we could stop being an introvert. Especially when we compare ourselves with the person we are told to be by society. Our natural preferences don’t always fit with the values of a noisy, overstimulating, extrovert-centric world. It can feel like we don’t belong. Like there’s something wrong with us. And of course, we might wish we could change that. Isolation in an Alien World Do you ever get the sense that everyone else is in on something and you missed the meeting? Have you looked at others and envied how comfortable they are, interacting with an overwhelming world. They appear unfazed by the madness. They know what they’re doing, where they want to go, and what they need to do to get there. Laurie Helgoe says that this is very common for introverts. An idea she articulates perfectly in Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength. She describes two kinds of responses introverts might have to an extrovert-centric world: Shadow Dwelling Introverts: “Appear (if they can be seen) as reclusive and inaccessible – alien.” Accessible introverts “Do not come off as remote or intimidating because they have almost adapted to the extrovert culture” The potential problem we might face through these ways of adapting to a noisy world is that they can create alienation. We might become alienated from the world around us as the shadow dweller. Or we alienate ourselves from core parts of who we are deep down as the accessible introvert. Life gets exhausting when we feel like we have to spend it hiding. There’s nothing wrong with being reclusive if it gives us the platform to flourish. But if we are hiding and harbouring resentment about the world we wish we could be part of, then it’s not helping us flourish. Likewise, many people see themselves as social introverts. They love spending energy on other people and experiences, but they need plenty of downtime to prepare and recover. But if we spend all our energy pretending to fit in and be something we know we’re not, then it’s not helping us flourish. If we don’t fully accept or understand what it means to be introverted we can find ourselves in a state of limbo. In a place where we might feel it necessary to make that choice: to disappear or to play along. But Everyone Seems So Happy Much of our world is driven by perception. We are encouraged to believe that who we are is not enough. Where we are is not enough. And other people are enjoying the things we don’t have. But these stories are believable. It’s easier to tell the story that other people have their lives together than to realise the truth; that no one is whole and complete. The stories we tell ourselves about what life could be if only we were not who we are, might reinforce our sense of alienation and self-loathing. Happiness is little more than an occasional passing highlight on the mundane canvas of everyday life. If we accept this we might start to build a more useful self-concept. And enjoy what it means to be one of seven and a half billion people trying to make sense of this weird and mysterious thing we call life. What Do You Mean By “Introverted”? For many of us who want to stop being introverted, we are usually referring to a particular aspect of our personality in relation to something that matters to us. For example, I have helped people take action on their dream of performing music on stage. In one example this required changing part of a script that told the person, “you can’t perform because as an introvert you get too nervous”. When we tell ourselves stories like this, we reduce our potential by attaching what we believe is possible – or not – to something we can’t change. And by doing this we tell ourselves we CAN’T do what we would love to do. But what if introversion doesn’t stop you from doing ANYTHING? It just informs the way you might need to approach doing the thing. In the example of the performer, we could remove the word “introvert” from the script, and look at possible ways to manage and use the nerves more effectively. It turns out that nerves are not an exclusive introvert thing. They are universal. And they won’t always be there. What story are you telling yourself about introversion? How might changing the script shift your relationship with your temperament? How To Stop Being an Introvert There is a lot of clutter surrounding what introversion means. As our awareness and acceptance of it has grown in mainstream popularity, so too have a number of myths. It’s still confused with shyness and social anxiety. Of being afraid of people and scared to speak up in public. But while these are true for some introverts (as they are for extroverts), they are not a product of the innate temperament as we understand introversion to be. If we really want to stop acting in sync with our introversion there are several things we might try: Spend time with people when you’re feeling low on energy Increase sources of external stimulation Rush making big decisions Find someone to talk to about everything you’re thinking Fill your calendar with social engagements Share your opinion before you’ve considered it At its core, introversion and extroversion are about how we create and budget our energy as human beings. Introverts typically turn inwards when they need to recharge and process things. While extroverts require external stimulation (other people, crowds, invigorating experiences etc) to create the energy they need. It’s About How We Are, Not Who We Are “Even though I’m a classic introvert, when I give a lecture for my students I perform with great passion. Introverts, when they are ‘on,’ become pseudo-extraverts. Can you tell the difference between a born extravert and a pseudo-extravert? Usually you cannot.” – Professor Brian Little (Me, Myself, and Us) Acting Out of Character Brian Little suggests that we all have the ability to “act out of character” when something is important to us. This phrase can be interpreted in a couple of ways: Acting in a way that doesn’t fit a ‘fixed trait’ view of who we are (doing something that might be unexpected, not typically introverted, or viewed as unusual for us by others) Acting contrary to our natural disposition for the sake of something deeper than our own immediate comfort (acting out of our character – character being moral strength) When it comes to thinking about our personality, we often have a tendency to discuss it without context. We might say ‘I don’t like parties’, ‘I hate crowds’, or ‘I can’t stand the phone’. Yet in reality, rather than using those preferences to ensure our own future happiness we will still go to a party, stand in a crowd, and make a phone call when the situation requires it. Or at least we CAN. Free Trait Agreements The 5 Big Personality Traits (Openness to experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism) are not completely fixed. Little describes them as making up an arpeggio rather than a chord. As an introvert I may enter a free trait agreement, for example, to arrange a party for someone I care about, to go and be a part of a crowd when I really want to watch a live performance. Or to call a friend who really needs some support right now. When we become invested in stuff that matters we become able to temporarily put on hold our natural desire (maybe to sit at home with a book) and do something less comfortable. Restorative Niches The other side of a free trait agreement is a restorative niche. These are uniquely personal things we do to recharge after spending our energy. They restore our spirit and recharge our sense of self. One reason we might want to escape our introversion is that we aren’t aware of our own restorative niche. It’s a vital part of the rhythm that allows us to invest our time and energy into things that matter to us. If we don’t have them we risk overwhelm and burnout. These restorative niches are part of the agreements we enter into. Little suggests that there is give and take when we are in free trait agreements with others. He says “with spouses and bosses, we can strike a bargain: I’ll act out of character to advance our joint project if you will grant me a restorative niche. What we need is a Free Trait Agreement.” The Pros and Cons of Personality Tests Who doesn’t love a personality test? There’s something fun about seeing things about yourself reflected back in a description of your particular ‘type’. If we can refrain from using them to diagnose our personalities – “I’m a hothead, I fear intimacy, I’m a dreamer” – then these tools can be useful. The Good Thing About Personality Tests In the past, I have used DISC personality profiles with new coaching clients. They provide some good information to explore together and allow me to adapt my approach to suit their natural communication style and personal preferences. We often encounter resistance when we don’t understand the differences between people. Personality profiles remind us that we see and experience the world differently to others. And others experience it differently to us. Not only is this a potential path to hold the world with more empathy but also to encounter ourselves in a new way. Everyone is a bit weird. Not just us. When we acknowledge this truth and become more aware of our subconscious preferences, we are better equipped to work WITH ourselves in service of our personal values and goals. The Problem With Personality Tests “Too many of us wake up one day feeling stuck inside a narrow definition of ourselves” – Michael Puett (author of The Path: A New Way to Think About Everything) When I first realised I was an introvert I had a category by which to divide my picture of the world. There were introverts and there were extroverts. Introverts behave a certain way and extroverts another way. The danger with personality typing is that we look for a prescription rather than a description of our preferences. It can quickly become an identity rather than a tool for understanding. When we allow our labels to drive our behaviour we live out a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who we are reflects how we think we should act, and we end up putting ourselves in boxes that are only a tiny part of the overall picture of who we are. Labels and Traps I had a conversation years ago with someone who had recently learned they were an introvert. I was talking about how much of a relief it was to realise I wasn’t as weird and different as I thought. They were quick to snap back, “I never thought I WAS weird! It’s everyone else that’s got the problem”. On the one hand, good for them. It was great to witness such a strong sense of inner confidence. But on the other hand, I’m not sure it was confidence. They used their introversion as a source of tribal identity rather than a tool for personal growth. This was evident when they continued, “they say I’m too quiet and they can’t hear me. But I’m peaceful and calm, just because they’re not used to it, that shouldn’t mean that I have to change. They need to get over themselves.’ There is a difference between an insult and a criticism. An insult is personal whereas a criticism contains something we can use and learn from. It’s sometimes a vague line, but we must be careful not to take everything as a personal insult. As introverts, we CAN make a free-trait agreement and adapt our natural preferences if the situation requires it. Perhaps we need to speak louder in a particular environment or when carrying out a certain role. Embracing Who You Are Your introversion is part of who you are. It’s the foundation of your natural rhythm. It can help you approach your hopes and dreams in sustainable ways. It’s the track on which you run. It’s not something to overcome, but something to understand and work with.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I push myself to the limit and something that would normally inspire me feels like an overwhelming noise. We often stretch ourselves to life’s edges. And we squeeze the margin for inspiration to breathe and grow.  Margin is a characteristic of gentleness. It softens the blow of unwanted change and allows inspiration to flow without overwhelming us. But the world often demands productivity, efficiency and the elimination of waste. And in such a place there is little margin for deep and healthy inspiration to truly land. In this episode of the Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore what happens to our creative spirit when we live without nurturing margin for inspiration. We will look at the signs to look out for that tell us we’re too close to the edge. And we consider the role of rest in life; asking whether it’s more than simply the opposite of activity. Triggers and Inspiration An inspired surge of emotion can be overwhelming. It might be hard to tell whether fear or excitement is running the show. It might be a little of both. But unless we leave margin for inspiration, we don’t have the capacity to inquire. While we often associate emotional triggers with negative stimulation, they can come from desirable sources, too. A trigger is a prompt that causes something to happen. It might be a deliberate part of a physical device like a switch on a kettle. Or it might be harder to spot like sensory stimulation such as a taste, smell, visual, sound, or texture that prompts a conscious or subconscious memory. If we’re feeling exhausted, inspiration can seem overwhelming. But there’s a difference between being and feeling inspired. When inspiration overwhelms us, margins provide a cushion to hold and absorb whatever is emerging. Even when we don’t feel ready to do anything with it just yet. Trigger Warnings On her Instagram, Dr Susanne Wolf talked about what to look out for when recognising emotional reactivity to external stimulation. Sudden Physical Changes (increased heart rate, fast breathing, muscle tension, stomach clenches, feelings of tightness in the chest, nausea). Sudden Cognitive Changes (confusion, overwhelm, irritation, indecisiveness, distractedness, unresponsiveness) Sudden Emotional Changes (fear, frustration, anxiety, despair, sadness, grief, yearning) Sudden Behavioural Changes (becoming argumentative, alarmed, alert, lashing out, giving up, withdrawal, procrastination, agitated, shutting down, blaming others, restlessness) Sudden Irritation By Seemingly Unrelated Things (touch, noise, sound, people, textures, scenery, places) These sound like signs of an overwhelmingly negative situation. But the responses don’t necessarily distinguish between positive and negative stimulation. We might even experience many of them when we’re inspired. Why Am I Emotionally Reactive? What is causing this heightened state of emotional reactivity? In the post, Dr Wolf shares observations we might make, like feeling dismissed, ignored, attacked, afraid, insulted, manipulated, humiliated, excluded, offended, betrayed, alone, ashamed etc. I would also add some other triggers for emotional reactivity. If we don’t create space to become aware of what’s going on beneath the surface, we might confuse these for negative triggers. Feeling uncomfortable, excited, anxious, moved, sad, concerned, connected, disappointed etc. How To Cope When Feeling Triggered Dr Wolf’s advice is to remove attention from the external object and focus inwards. She suggests naming the thoughts and feelings and noticing how the body is expressing the emotions. Speak with inward and use practical actions such as deep breathing, journalling, movement, and talking with someone to process the feeling. We might be tempted to eradicate the triggers, be it the situation that gave rise to a feeling, or even the feeling itself. What if triggers could show us solutions instead of just pointing out problems? What if they could help us develop a deeper relationship with our own creativity and voice? Having margin in our lives – so that we can experience triggers without getting burned out or derailed – is powerful. It allows us to absorb them if and when they happen. The Power of Margins Margin and rest are both vital elements of the Inspiratory System. They allow us to absorb and respond to all kinds of triggers in and around our lives. Margins Bring Focus and Clarity The space around the page draws our focus to the words. Margins Keep Grubby Fingers Away From The Words When you pick up a page or a book you want the words protected from finger smears. A margin keeps the good stuff away from where fingers might naturally reach in order to pick the thing up so there is no inadvertent or accidental smudging. Margins Absorb Excessive Inspiration Margins give us a place to capture our thoughts as they come. When we’re inspired, margins give us the space near the scene of the inspiration to develop and untangle what has been triggered in our minds or bodies. Margins Cushion Slips and Bleed When printing things can slip sometimes. We might feel slightly off-colour or be going through challenging circumstances. If we’re not attempting to print life right to the edge we have margin for things to go wrong and for it to still be ok. Margins Make Things More Comfortable Margins on a notepad make it much easier to express yourself. When you’re not having to go all the way to the very edge you don’t have to worry about falling off the edge of the page. Margins Protect The Core The edges of pages can get nibbled by rats and mites. Margins mean that even if or when that happens, there is protection around the words. Margins Allow Holes To Be Punched We might get holes punched in us so that we are easier to store in files and boxes. But margins allow that to happen without it changing who we are. Without margins, the holes cut straight through the words. The Power of Rest There are margins everywhere we look – not just around the edges of a page, but woven into and through it. Rest is what makes everything meaningful. It’s the silence between the notes, the space around the letters. The pause as we look around, observe, notice, and experience flow. If we’re always living right up to the edge of our capacity, we leave no space for inspiration’s waste (the important bit!) We can become unreceptive to the small voice within, we don’t listen to our bodies, and we’re at the mercy of ‘busyness’. Rest is Not One Side of a Binary Divide Rest is not the flipside of action. It’s not simply a thing we do. It’s baked into the WAY we do. We don’t rest in order to do anything. We rest because we’re human. The 7 Soul-Freeing Sources of Rest Sandra Dalton-Smith (Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy and Restore Your Sanity), argues that “sleep and rest are not the same thing, although many of us incorrectly confuse the two”. She outlines 7 types of rest that we all need, many of which are not prioritised in a world that leaves no margin. Physical (Passive and Active) Passive rest comes in the form of sleeping or napping. Active rest comes from physically moving our bodies. Mental Mental rest might come from things like mindfulness and meditation practices. But also by engaging with things that help our minds think in more restful ways. For me, reading, playing and listening to music, writing, and playing golf are all ways to find mental rest. It’s about opening channels for the mind to be active without force or control. Emotional Dalton-Smith says that many of us are skilled at hiding, even when we want to be found. It is massively draining to conceal who we are from the world and so emotional rest is a moment of integrity in the sense of integrating who we are inside with who we are outside. Spiritual We find rest from the sense of belonging that comes from transcending the desire to fit in and to come to a place where we understand that we belong simply by virtue of the fact we are here. Spiritual rest is about connection to something bigger, deeper, or beyond our physical and mental state of being. It might be plugging into the story of humankind or our place in the universe in a meaningful way. Contributing to something, being involved in a community, or any practice that helps raise our awareness that we are part of something more than our own immediate experience. Sensory Noise and clutter fill our world and “our senses yearn to be quieted”. This really speaks to the idea that rest is silence, stillness, and space around the notes, letters, and brush strokes. We need to both rest our senses and give our senses more enriching experiences. Social Not all social experience is equal. We know that as introverts and sensitive people. There are some people in whose presence we find restorative energy. While other people have strong internal energy vampires. Dalton-Smith says that we often face the issue that “our social reach exceeds our social capacity. However, in the presence of a trusted confidante, an atmosphere of rest is created. Their expressions of acceptance, understanding and compassion become needed nourishment to conquer loneliness.” Creative We find creative rest in environments that allow our creative spirit to flow. This is a simple place where we can observe without judgement, notice what we notice, and allow everything to move through us for a moment. Conclusion Designing margin into our lives is an act of vulnerability. It is discouraged and questioned. But our physical, mental, and emotional well-being need rest, margin, space, silence, stillness, and pause. This is not just important for ourselves, but also for the sake of humanity and the world as a whole. So margin is necessary if we want to make room for inspiration and creativity to take root in and around our lives. A Short Meditation on Rest | This comes from a series of short reflections about the nine parts of the Inspiratory System. https://vimeo.com/725824280/f022f2027f

The idea of the inspiratory system reminds us that inspiration is a lot like breath. The word “inspiration” comes from the same place as respiration and spirit. Just as we need to take in oxygen to live, we can also breathe in other elements from the world around us to keep ourselves feeling good. And just as different factors can impact the quality of the air we breathe, they can also impact what goes on within us and what we are able to create. This is not just something that applies to our work, it’s also about the way we express what it means to be alive and what it means to be (and become) ourselves. Life is a rhythm, and sometimes we lose sight of that. We value action, productivity, and results (breathing out). But unless we balance this with breathing in, we have a perfect recipe for overwhelm, burnout, and a rather uninspired life. That’s what we’re exploring in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast. What Is Inspiration? We are constantly inspired by the world around us, whether we realise it or not. We take in the spirit of our surroundings and then express it in our own unique way. The life we live is a reflection of the things we see and experience. Whether we are conscious of it or not, everything we encounter shapes who we are and how we see the world. Paula described inspiration as, “a tickle, or a fizz inside as suddenly my vision of what could be expands and reveals giddy-making opportunity. It’s very vulnerable though and like a new flame can easily be blown out by my own lack of confidence or self-dismissal.” I love that image. It’s like a fizzing tickle that awakens something inside us. We can suddenly see something through a lens of possibility and light. Inspiration is an awakening. An awareness. Seeing something for the first time, or seeing it in a certain way for the first time. It requires us to have the receptiveness to be aware, and it requires the conditions that give rise to the possibility. The inspiratory system is one of inbreath AND outbreath. It completes through action, through a response, through turning what we take in into something we breathe out. The Makeup Of an Inspired Performance Inspiration is something that comes from within and is expressed outwardly. It’s like a magical power that can transform an ordinary performance into something extraordinary. But inspiration is only visible when it’s turned into action. You may feel inspired, but if you don’t do anything with that feeling, what does it really mean? We don’t usually say “I felt inspired but didn’t do anything,” because the feeling of being inspired is intrinsically linked to taking action, even if the action is just to wait. Tankespjarn and Inspiration Helena Roth talks about a kind of gentleness with an edge to it. She says that it’s our relationship to our own edges that opens us up to new experiences. Tankespjärn happens when we’re willing to say yes to uncertainty and doubt. We find it in the invitation or willingness to experience a shift. This type of inspiration is not imposed on us from the outside, but rather it ignites within us when a new possibility or perspective is seeded. The Inspiratory System We can find inspiration in many places: people, media, education, connectedness, place, play, movement, art, and rest. If we are intentional in our relationships with these things, we increase the chances that inspiring conditions will occur. People The people we interact with can have a big impact on how inspired we feel. Certain people may leave us feeling more energised, while others can drain our spirit. It’s not just about physical energy, but a deeper well of creative energy. Media We rely on information to keep us connected and informed about the world around us. It can be a source of safety, helping us make positive decisions. But too much of it can leave us feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Education Learning for the sake of learning is a deep source of inspiration. Many of us forget that we can keep learning and finding education after we leave formal schooling. Maybe our education is limited to training events we have to attend at work, or qualifications we must do in order to reach another rung on the career ladder. We might stumble upon inspiring ideas within these contexts, but sometimes we come to resent education because it has become something we only do when it has a purpose or productive point to it. Connectedness There is a peace that comes from feeling connected to something larger than ourselves. For some, this might be a spiritual connection, a sense of community, or oneness with nature. When we step outside our own egos and into something bigger, we can find inspiration and meaning. When we contribute to something beyond our immediate experience, we can create lasting change. Place Maybe you find inspiration through travel or perhaps you feel most inspired when you have a safe place that feels like yours. Do you get inspired by seeing and engaging with new environments? Or through building your own nest to create or rest in? Play Play is often the birthplace of some of the best ideas, works of art, and inventions. It allows us to tap into different parts of our brain, take our attention away from thinking too hard, and make connections that we didn’t know were possible. Movement Movement is an important part of the inspiratory system. Like play, it makes space for inspiration to strike by allowing us to look elsewhere and take a break from looking for it. It is important for our general well-being and the state of our being so we are receptive to new ideas and nudges when they arrive. Art We have the privilege of standing on the shoulders of giants. For centuries, humans have used their imaginations to create inspiring works of art in a variety of forms, including music, theatre, film, dance, craft, and literature. By taking in these various forms of art, we can infuse our inspiratory system with a sense of calm. Rest Although it’s often overlooked, resting is a crucial part of our inspiratory system. Our society’s obsession with productivity and busyness can actually make us less productive and effective at times, especially when it comes at the expense of our wellbeing. When we’re well rested, we’re in a better position to notice and respond to inspiration. Our minds become clearer, and our sense of urgency and busyness slows. The Price of Inspiration Some days it is the search for inspiration that leads us to start creating. When we give of ourselves more than feels comfortable, it leads us to a sense of meaning. This is because we are inviting sacrifice into our lives – something that goes beyond the quest for comfort. It is an opportunity to contribute, to spend ourselves, and breathe out. In this way, we feel like part of the world and our energy can become a source of life for other people and things. Action and Inspiration (The Cycle of Breath) Inspiration is a choice we make to listen to the creative voice inside of us. Though it can be uncertain and tiring, this path may lead us to great places. Like exercise, it takes energy to be creative. And like exercise, it might be tiring in the short term, but the more you spend, the more energy you create in the long run. Don’t Be a Donkey Buridan’s donkey stands “halfway between a pile of hay and a bucket of water. It keeps looking left and right, trying to decide between hay and water. Unable to decide, it eventually dies of hunger and thirst. A donkey can’t think of the future. If he could, he’d clearly realize that he could first drink the water, then go eat the hay.” In his post, Derek Sivers says, “Don’t be a donkey. You can do everything you want to do. You just need foresight and patience.” The Canvas Strategy (People Remember How You Make Them Feel) “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou I remember how moving it was during my years caring for a close family friend who had dementia. It really highlights the power of the emotional memory bank. We experience this through times of crisis…when we go through a traumatic event with someone, we are more likely to remember how they made us feel rather than the particulars of what they said or did. This is part of the inspiratory system because when we help others feel good about THEMSELVES, connections are made and inspiration is sparked into life. Let’s focus on making people feel good in themselves and see how that contributes to a more inspired world. Notice What You Notice During my experience with John, I spoke about it at a TEDx conference. The theme of the event was Look Deeper. Dementia is all about looking deeper – while someone might appear one way on the surface, if you take the time to observe and notice, you can find glimpses of truth. You can find the person there, even when it feels difficult to uncover. It wasn’t until I was writing my talk that I realised how inspiration comes when we notice what we notice about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Conclusion Inspiration can come in different forms – sometimes it’s a sudden flash or explosion, while other times it’s a gradual expansion of inner awareness. It’s the voice that gives us something new to look at or a new way of looking at what is already there. It comes through experimentation, routine, novelty, and connection. It rarely happens in exactly the same way twice and we need to be receptive. Slowing down, resting, and opening ourselves up is all key. Even if we find ourselves inspired by frantic and high-octane experiences, we still need space and stillness to allow that inspiration to integrate and breathe through our lives. There is no one right way to be inspired. What works for one person may not work for another. But we can be intentional about the sources of inspiration in and around our life and make them work for us.

There is a huge amount about the topic of habits and I don’t want to regurgitate what is already out there. So in this week’s podcast, I want to look at them through the lens of gentleness, sensitivity, and slow growth. How can we use gentle habits to build a sustainable relationship with our temperaments and natural preferences? And what are some of the challenges we might face when building a life around what matters most to us? At their core, habits are automatic behaviours. They are the things we do with little or no conscious thought when prompted by a situational trigger or cue. But we can also have an influence on them. And we can choose to build habits that serve our broader goals, intentions, and visions. This topic comes from our Tranquility theme in The Haven. Where we’ve been exploring conditions like our environments, routines, and boundaries. And thinking about how they can help give rise to more of what we want life to look, feel, smell, taste, and sound like. Life on Autopilot We sometimes talk about habits as being like running on autopilot. They free us up to think about and pay attention to other things that might require willpower and energy. But when we leave autopilot running it is easy to slip into ruts and just go through the motions. This might cause a creeping sense of drift and degradation to our sense of purpose. It Takes Courage To Acknowledge When Something Needs to Change We require courage to acknowledge and face up to these ruts our undesirable habits might leave us in. And when we engage with it, our courage can bring us face to face with new and exciting horizons of possibility. It shows us the direction we need to move in if we really want things to change. It shines a light on the unhelpful habits we need to replace. And helps us identify the gentle actions we could take in order to recalibrate certain areas of life. Building Small and Effective Habits Habits are only as effective as the vision they serve. It does little good to have a strategy if we don’t have an aim. Otherwise, we end up at the mercy of the latest shiny fad or fashion. Gentleness is about rooting ourselves in a deeper sense of vision. We cannot rush this. It requires us to slow down and observe what we are feeling. So gentle habits are things we build from the inside out. Tiny Habits are Built on Gentle Foundations BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits model sits on gentle foundations. It encourages us to be gentle with ourselves, our aspirations, and the approach we take to making meaningful change happen over time. There is an awful lot of ungentleness around when it comes to personal growth. The demand for endless growth and instant results. But with tiny habits, it’s all about trusting the process and understanding that big things come faith in small, slow, and deep action. Fogg says that Tiny Habits require you to do three things: Stop Judging Yourself It’s easier said than done and rather than being a pre-requisite for tiny habits, it’s actually a product of it. With the tiny habits approach that there is less room for self-criticism. Take Aspirations and Break Them Into Tiny Behaviours What do we want things to look like? What would we love to change? Tiny habits break down these big-picture aspirations into ridiculously small actions. So that we don’t have to rely on willpower to do what we’d love to do. Embrace Mistakes as Discoveries and Use Them to Move Forward Mistakes are not bad. In fact, most of the greatest discoveries, artworks, and developments made by humans have mistakes built into their core. When we make mistakes we are able to raise awareness and discover all sorts of things about ourselves and the world. While a lot of people pay lip service to the value of failure, we still have a deep-rooted fear of being wrong or messing up baked into society. Gentleness offers us the space to embrace our mistakes and to use them as catalysts for growth. Obstacles to Motivation We often talk about self-motivation when it comes to developing habits or making changes in our lives. But we are motivated by many things, some of which contradict each other. Motivation means “to stimulate something toward action”. If you’re like me you will find yourself being moved to act by all kinds of things that don’t serve that deeper vision. There is sometimes a difference between our response to the question ‘what matters now?’ and ‘what matters most?’ The thing that matters right now might actually be an obstacle to our big-picture aspiration. It needs us to react now. And to serve something or someone’s urgent need. But if we can anchor ourselves into “what matters most”, we can make intentional decisions and hold requests up to the light we’ve chosen to follow. Motivation, Ability, Prompt/Trigger BJ Fogg looks at the three components present in the formation of any habit: Motivation (a compelling reason for doing it) Ability (how easy it is to do – if you can’t do it you won’t) Prompt/trigger (something that compels or subconsciously reminds you to act) The Fogg Behaviour Model Fogg debunks the popular myth that a habit is established through repetition for 21, 30, or 60 days. He points to research that indicates how habits can actually be ingrained much more quickly than that (and they also might take a lot longer). Undesirable vs Desirable Habits Rather than “good” or “bad”, I like to view habits on a spectrum of desirable to undesirable. I ask whether a habit is expanding or contracting, serving or detracting when it comes to supporting my vision or aspiration. This makes it easier to identify what needs to change and to filter potential options as I consider what I might want to do instead. What Derails Our Habits? There are a number of potential obstacles that can derail our desirable habits. It’s worth thinking about them so we can choose how we want to respond. People “How to kill an introvert: starve them to death by putting a stranger in the kitchen”. This was part of a meme that did the rounds a few years ago. It made me laugh and felt close to home. I have derailed a whole bunch of desirable habits because of people. Sometimes there are specific people who say or do things to derail me. But many instances grow out of the story I tell myself about what people will think, do, or say…or in anticipation of encounters I don’t have the desire or energy for. People-pleasing can stop us from nurturing habits too. Not wanting to be in the way, make a fuss, or rock the boat. Or serving someone else’s aspirations at the expense of our own. Rabbit Holes and Distractions I’m very grateful that I can enter creative flow very easily. It doesn’t take me long to lose myself in work, play, or some kind of project. This obviously has great benefits. But it can also derail routines and habits. Not only does it take away from other desirable habits, but it can also make quick and simple actions seem overwhelming, draining, and complex. Disconnection From Why We might also get derailed from developing and nurturing desirable habits when we lose connection with our sense of why we’re doing it. If we’re not personally motivated or compelled toward particular habits, we can quickly lose interest in it. This can also tell us important things, such as whether or not the habit is really desirable. Or whether we’re doing it because we believe we should. Habits as Symptoms When an undesirable habit seems impossible to shift, it’s worth considering it as a symptom rather than a cause. We might think about how things further up the river set this result in motion (and perhaps made it all but inevitable). It can be useful to step back and look at where habits sit in the overall stack of actions and prompts. One thing can lead to another and before we know it we’re doing the thing we didn’t want to be doing…yet again. By the time we get to the thing itself it is almost impossible to stop ourselves. And it puts an unnecessarily big burden on us to say no to ourselves. Magical Thinking We might look at other peoples’ habits and believe that emulating them is the key to our own success. A few years ago I remember seeing a lot of people sharing their morning routines, and I noticed this kind of magical thinking attitude to be common among readers. There is nothing wrong with getting inspired by what other people do. That’s very natural. And it’s great to have role models who can give us ideas to test out. But this is different from believing if we copy what they do we will arrive in some utopian dream world. Scary Labels Impostor syndrome and self-doubt can kick in when we’re building new habits. Especially if we think about it in terms of identity. Being described as a writer, a runner, a creative, an entrepreneur etc can be scary. When we compare ourselves to people who really are those things it might put us off our desired pursuits. Sometimes it’s helpful to break identity down into the language of habits. Detaching all judgement language from it or qualifying criteria. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how good people might say you are, in simple terms: a writer is a person in the habit of writing a hard worker is in the habit of working hard a waiter is someone who works in a restaurant or cafe a musician is someone in the habit of playing music This is empowering if we feel unworthy of doing something because it gives us simple objective steps to take. It takes our value judgement out of it. Build Habits With Celebration and Shine Fogg says a core part of the tiny habits approach is about making ourselves FEEL successful rather than on BEING successful. He writes that: “In English we do not have a perfect word to describe the positive feeling we get from experiencing success. I’ve read piles of scientific literature on related topics, and I’ve done my own research in this area, and I am convinced that we are lacking a good word. (The closest label is “authentic pride,” but that’s not an exact match.) So, with the encouragement of three of the world’s experts on human emotion, I decided to create a new word for this feeling of success: shine.” BJ Fogg (Tiny Habits) Rewards are Not The Same as Incentives He also says that “many so-called habit experts have pumped up the idea of motivating a new habit with a reward…As with many words that have migrated from academia to pop-science, the meaning of “reward” has become muddied to the point of being unhelpful in some cases and downright misleading in others. Let’s say that you have committed to running every day for two weeks, and at the end of those two weeks, you “reward” yourself with a massage. I would say, “Good for you!” because we all could benefit from more massages. But I would also say that your massage wasn’t a reward. It was an incentive. Incentives like a sales bonus or a monthly massage can motivate you, but they don’t rewire your brain. Incentives are way too far in the future to give you that all-important shot of dopamine that encodes the new habit. A real reward — something that will actually create a habit — is a much narrower target to hit than most people think.” He points out that the official meaning of “reward” as it applies to habit formation is a celebration that comes IMMEDIATELY before, during, and after a habit. How Does Shine Feel For You? “You know this feeling already: You feel Shine when you ace an exam. You feel Shine when you give a great presentation and people clap at the end. You feel Shine when you smell something delicious that you cooked for the first time…By skillfully celebrating, you create a feeling of Shine, which in turn causes your brain to encode the new habit.” BJ Fogg (Tiny Habits) Can you think of what shine feels like to you? Maybe a particular experience comes to mind. It’s the feeling we get after a particularly satisfying experience. We can break down desirable habits and imagine or envisage the points that feel good. How To Celebrate With Freedom and Authenticity Fogg provides some scenarios that might tell us how we naturally celebrate moments of shine. He suggests we can use these celebrations to help solidify the formation of new habits. One of these scenarios says: You decide to apply for your dream job with a company you love. You make it through the process all the way to the final interview. The hiring manager says, “We’ll send an e-mail with our decision.” The next morning the manager’s e-mail is waiting for you. You open it, and this is the first word you read: “Congratulations!” What do you do at that moment? We can use “what we do at that moment” to rewire our brains in favour of the actions we want more of in our lives. Stacking Joy Into Hard Habits Another way to infuse new habits or difficult actions with positivity is through ‘joy stacking’. This article on Focus to Evolve talks about infusing joy into everyday chores. Stacking joy into things we might not otherwise enjoy doing. This is not quite the same as celebration, but there is something nice about injecting enjoyable aspects into habits to make them more appealing (e.g. listening to podcasts, eating cake, making it social). What I like about this idea is that it ensures the habit feels like a PART of life. Rather than something that we’re doing FOR our future. Exercise that feels joyful now is easier to maintain than the exercise you do for the abstract stranger who is your future self.

The past few years have carried an exceptionally concentrated flow of difficult news. It can feel like too much information to hold at any one time. In the podcast this week, we look at the impact of information on our senses. We consider a few ways we might process some of the dread that we’re trying to cram into our already overflowing bucket. Can we find more energy, creativity, and gentleness in the face of life’s uncertainty? Focusing On Where We Want to Go Resources about coping with information overwhelm often tell us to limit, control, and challenge our actions and thoughts. But this is unhelpful. It’s like looking at a tree when we’re in control of a vehicle. We get more of what we focus on. If we want to avoid the tree, it’s no good focussing on it. It’s far better to focus on where we want to go instead. Dread Stacking Dread Stacking is what happens when too much information builds up and we don’t have time to process it. It comes from the relentless and endless string of painful stories from situations, events, and changes across the globe. The fast-paced world means attention moves from one thing to the next very quickly. But just because the news and social media can move from one thing to the next, it doesn’t mean we can do that without consequences as humans. Stories can leave the residue of heartbreak, anxiety, and fear. The Cost of Stracking Too Much Information In the midst of a dread stack, it is very difficult to focus. In a world where everything matters, it’s hard to know where we should invest our time and energy. So we might end up tuning out and turning off the flow of information. It follows that newsworthy information is usually bad. Or divisive. Or fear-mongering. It is exceptional. Not normal. Or it wants a reaction. And the simplest way to get people to engage is to provoke, scare, or anger. We might think that news is just information we passively consume. Whether on radio, TV or through social media. But it’s not. It seeps into our experience of life. It contributes massively to our overall health. We need a balanced diet in the food we eat, and it’s no different with the information we consume. What goes in is what comes out. We cannot binge on ‘newsworthy’ news, expecting to feel balanced, happy, and healthy afterwards. We will build a skewed picture of the world, and carry that with us into other areas of life. People Are Under a Lot of Stress People can do extreme things when they feel overwhelmed. David Lynch demonstrates this perfectly in a wonderfully twisted scene in Twin Peaks. An accountant returns home to find a van parked a few inches over his drive. This sparks a rapid escalation that ends up with the van rolling into a lamp post with two dead assassins inside. Two local casino bosses are watching the whole thing unfold. Bradley says, “what kind of crazy neighbourhood is this?” to which his brother Rodney replies, “people are under a lot of stress, Bradley.” I love this scene and I love this line. It seems to speak to so much of what we see going on in the world right now. How something so trivial can lead to this wild moment where everyone loses their minds and do things that are just completely destructive. To one another and to themselves. It’s Nothing Personal I once received an angry response to one of my email newsletters. It had a go at me for failing to consider people in their pretty niche position. It stopped me in my tracks and took me a while to work out how to respond. I entered my standard shame spiral. And I felt bad for failing to consider the particular situations everyone reading it might be experiencing. But then I slept on it. I’ve learned to put space between the stimulus and response when it comes to reacting to criticism. I walk away for a bit. And then come back later on with a clearer head and fresh eyes. Space Between Stimulus and Response It often looks a bit different when I do this. It’s rarely as harsh as my brain first interprets it. And even if it lands the same punch as the first time, I’m generally more ready to respond with a firm back and soft front. I’ve learned to not reply straight away because the initial reaction is usually to fire back with a defensive or aggressive spirit. Increasing the chances of a Twin Peaks style escalation. When I replied to this email, it opened up a gentle conversation. They were surprised I replied. They didn’t expect me to read their message, which was essentially an expression of pain at the tough situation they were going through. We exchanged a few messages and they were able to untangle a few things and find a clearer path forwards. It was a reminder for me not to take things personally. How Do We Know What We Need to Know? What do we do with all the information? There’s a lot of it. How do we distinguish between what we need to know and what we don’t? And beyond that, how do we engage with the part of us that connects with stuff we don’t need to know more than the stuff we DO need to know.  When it comes to emotional responsiveness, the brain doesn’t really discriminate between things happening directly to us and things it sees happening to someone else. As a result, we put ourselves into stress mode whenever we watch the news and hear about traumatic events going on around the world. Stress mode is when our bodies release hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. And these are the fuel for the fight, flight, and freeze responses. To ‘Be Informed’? Is being informed just knowing ABOUT things? It’s also about being and feeling connected to the world around us. It’s about being integrated with society. And being able to think critically about information, its origins, and its method of delivery. We’re Not Wired For This The way we receive information in the modern world is not natural. It’s hard to hold its quantity and speed. And it’s hard when we can’t possibly respond to it. Because it’s too far away and there’s too much of it. When functioning at a local level our natural need to do something helps us prepare for certain weather conditions or respond to nearby danger. But this doesn’t translate easily to a global context. Sensory Information Processing Too much information can be especially hard for highly sensitive people. The wider aperture means more information is absorbed and processing goes deeper. So when the flow of news doesn’t stop, overwhelm is never far away. Starting From a Place of Humility It is possible to find a sense of agency and power whilst remaining aware of and positively engaged with news from around the world. But we have to be intentional about it. And we must start from a place of surrender and humility. To admit our own limits. We cannot possibly hold it all, we cannot possibly change everything, and we cannot know all there is to know. And if we try we will almost certainly render ourselves useless for the things that WE CAN make an impact on. Too Much Information And The HSP Even if that’s not a conscious choice, highly sensitive people naturally and subconsciously scan the world for signs of danger. This is happening all the time in the background. So they are always taking new information on board. This can be exhausting. Depth of Processing For highly sensitive people information is like a huge raw image file. It takes up a lot of disc space and requires large amounts of processing power. The highly sensitive nervous system cannot cope with too many of these files being open at one time. Easily Overstimulated Exposure to lots of information can leave highly sensitive people drained and therefore less able to function effectively. How does overwhelm from too much information show up as a symptom? Physical: tension, tightness, heart rate, blood pressure, and exhaustion Mental: doom scrolling, hopping between tasks, procrastination, busy work, inability to access flow, fatigue, unhealthy cycles of action Anxiety: the feeling that you’ve got to something but you don’t know what Shutting Down: not listening or absorbing new information – even positive news Desensitisation: “Oh Dearism” and loss of empathy Other Defence Mechanisms: Denial (that hasn’t happened) Repression (that didn’t happen) Regression (remember when things were better in the old days) Displacement (I hate that driver that just cut me up) Splitting (we need to eliminate the baddies) Even the most sensitive people can become desensitised to things when they become normalised. This often happens as a way of coping with overexposure to upsetting scenes and information. Desensitisation can be a coping mechanism, not a sign that we don’t care. Rather it is assistance from the brain, disabling our ability to care in order to keep the mind safe from harm, when it’s overexposed to damaging events. Emotional Reactivity Dread stacking isn’t just a cognitive thing. It’s not just that our minds find it hard to hold all the information. This is a physiological thing. An emotional thing. When we see the suffering of other people we feel it at a deep level. Sensitive to Subtleties When given space and time, HSPs are a key part of humanity’s collective survival. But this is difficult when there is too much information flowing in. Awareness vs Alertness Alertness is a state of hyper-reaction. It anticipates danger and seeks it in every piece of information. Awareness is a state of deep connection. The aware person is engaged with and connected to the environment so that they respond positively and unconsciously to subtle shifts around them. They know what they are able to ignore and let go. Expanding Our Capacity To Hold Information How might we engage with and process information in healthier ways that help us remain energised and engaged? How can we avoid dread stacking and connect with life’s joy and beauty? What do I feel right now? What do I need right now? And what would I love right now? These questions are from Jacob Nordby. He shares as part of a journal practice. Again this came up in our Haven session as something several people use and value.   What The World Needs Most… “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman There are two sides to what the world needs here. First, the world of systems and structures needs us to act and think in certain ways. But what humanity needs is for us to be alive, engaged, and connected to the joy of life. Slowing Down The world doesn’t stop turning when we take a moment to pause. And it won’t get any worse because we are taking a moment to gather some strength and perspective. In fact, it is more likely to get worse if we try operating from a place of overwhelm and overextension. We will contribute to more of the problems that we want to eradicate. Joy Emerges in The Cracks and Stains Joy doesn’t require a particular product or outcome. It doesn’t need things to be right. It emerges through the cracks, the stains, and the imperfections of life. In fact, the things we think we need in order to be happy are usually obstacles to joy. Because they leave us waiting, anticipating, always seeing it as the proverbial mirage up ahead. How Do We Stack More Joy? We cannot help to heal anything around us if we’ve been cut off from accessing joy. Maybe we feel like it’s inappropriate to be happy when there’s so much suffering in the world. Perhaps it feels insensitive to share our joy. Or maybe we can’t allow ourselves to feel that stuff at all while things are as they are.