Beat Your Genes Podcast

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk, discuss the following questions: 1. My niece and I have been debating whether it’s safe for attractive young solo female travelers to couch surf. She believes that a careful reading of a host’s couch surfing profile enables her to spot would-be predators. What are your thoughts on this Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk? 2. Can you talk about what resilience is with regard to personality/the big 5?  Do you think that it is possible to help people develop resilience or grit?  3. I dated a guy for about 5 years who would never commit and cheated on me several times, though I did not learn of his indiscretions until after the relationship ended. I recently found out that he married one of the women who he cheated on me with after dating her for only a brief time. After our split was all said and done I definitely felt like I came out it with the better end of the deal, and I’m now in a relationship that has major *magic 10%* potential; so my question is: why am I so irritated about my loser ex’s quickie marriage? 4. I contracted Herpes from a long term boyfriend who was cheating on me about 10 years ago. I find it so difficult to share this information with a new person. I am 50 years old and reasonably attractive but haven’t been dating from shame regarding this condition. You’re straight talk suggestions are so helpful on this podcast, I’m wondering if you can advise me on how to best frame this situation for myself, my status, and potential mates.

Questions for tonight's show are: 1. Why am I so stagnant? Despite doing poorly in practically all the dimensions of my life (romantic, social, pursuit) I don't take any effective action. I've done an immense amount of therapies from various modalities, worked with many therapists, including numerous other things to no avail. I stew and rage but don't do anything and I don't know why. I also like to feel like a victim so as to not feel the pressure of responsibility. 2. Your explanation of anger and guilt being mirror emotions really struck me.  Do you think there is always a mirror emotion like anger and guilt? Or is it rather mostly a spectrum like your explanation of depression and boredom, when related to stress? I would be curious to hear about more on categorizing emotions. 3.  I am a bit confused about when disagreeableness is seen as a negative and positive trait. You said agreeableness is a highly valued trait, and while it is clear that one would want a disagreeable lawyer, you also said that charisma basically comes down to disagreeableness, and when most people think of charismatic people, they certainly don't think of pushiness and anger. I am probably ~75th percentile disagreeable (but pretty stable) and generally try to beat my genes by hiding it, but, not contradicting people, avoiding confrontation, for example with groups of friends. Am I right to do so, or could I win more friends/esteem by being more "assertive"? 4. I'm trying to work on it, but I feel I have an issue with agreeableness. I'm too agreeable, to the point that I feel bad about myself for disappointing others, like turning down a job offer or rejecting a potential partner when it's obvious that those situations won't work out. How do I get past this, "trying to please all of the people all of the time" mentality?

We welcome back Dr. Jen Howk for her part 2 debut on the BYG podcast.  Dr. Lisle and Howk answer the following questions from listeners: 1. I would describe myself as a 9. I am pretty and fit. I am educated and have a great job. Since I have graduated college I have had an extremely difficult time with dating.  2. If I slept with someone that I like too soon and they are showing less interest in me is there a way to get their interest back? I remember one episode you mentioned looking your best was a way to do this which I am working on losing some weight. Are there any pyschological mind tactics I can practice in the mean time? If someone is actively ignoring you is it best to do the same? 3.  I have a question regarding the full moon on the female psyche The Mother of my two children becomes more abusive and more unstable during a full moon. Generally she is a pretty tricky person to deal with and tripping over some petty little trap opens a gate for verbal and sometimes physical abuse.  She often blames the full moon or PMS for these episodes but she is rarely a picnic in the park in between.  My question is whether there is any validity in the claim that the full moon has on anyone's psychology or is it just an excuse for bad behaviour and just some new age hippy nonsense for people who are high in openness. 4. What advice would you give to a female who is being stalked? 5. Is it reasonable to suggest that modern third-wave feminism is now about confusing males about the dominance hierarchy and their own sexual selection criteria, so as to turn them into being beta males?  To find out more about Dr. Howk or to book a phone consult, visit www.JenHowk.com

Our questions for this show are: 1. Given the profitability of prescribing pills and surgical procedures, do you believe the mainstream medical-industrial-complex will ever reach a tipping point and head in the direction of true health care? As opposed to the current system of what basically boils down to disease maintenance? 2. In church this week I felt very guilty. No one is specifically asking me for nutrition advice but every week we hear about and pray for members of our congregation that have everything from kidney stones to cancer and everything in between. All of these conditions would be helped by a whole food plant based diet. I don't feel comfortable saying much about my diet at church but I feel very guilty about not speaking up if information that I have could help someone who is suffering.   Do you have any recommendations? 3.  I am a Clinical Psychology Doctoral candidate, and I will have my first patients this Fall. I am nervous, excited, but mostly curious. What concepts and theories from EP have you found most useful in your clinical work? And what are the one or two things from EP that I can focus on to help better serve my patients?  4. Given that many core characteristics of personality are genetically determined, and that the evolutionary process of blind variation is bound to produce extremes, aren't there always bound to be some individuals in society who are likely to experience impulses to commit violent acts - with particularly horrific consequencies when gun laws allow comparatively easy access to lethal weapons?In the 'bottling up' episode you say that some people are bound to be 'shitheads' - so aren't there also always bound to be 'psychopaths' and no amount of moral education, religious observation or societal conservatism could ever eradicate the problem of mass killings?

In this episode, we introduce Dr. Jen Howk, who recently earned her PhD from Harvard. She brings a female perspective to our male/female dynamics questions and offers her insights to our show.

"I'll do it, but not because you told me to"  is a common humorous refrain in movies & TV shows.  In this show, we explore where this emotion comes from.   First, by reviewing a famous study that found that kids spend less time drawing if you tell them that they’ll get a good student award for drawing a good picture, compared to if you just let them draw without telling them anything.  Then, Dr. Lisle answers the following questions: 1.  With regard to the ego and pleasure traps, if you want to instill a sense of motivation, do you set goals and fundamentals that solicit a stress response as opposed to soliciting an anxious or depressive response? How do you decide on a goal or the fundamentals that can begin the process of getting you out of the ego/pleasure trap? Is it a matter of deciding what is 10% better than what you are currently doing? 2.  Can parents toughen up their children, including infants, so that they don't cry as much, by pampering them less? In other words, is there evidence that you can make infants cry less or make young children less sensitive or whiny be letting them have to deal with a little discomfort rather than helping them out all the time? 3. When you talk about narcissists you usually discuss those who come across as highly disagreeable. But it seems some can be very charming.  Can you explain the charming narcissist and how to spot one? 4. Why does my anxiety and feelings of regret tend to peak at night but dissipate throughout the day?

We start this episode with a question about the Enlightenment & Ego Trap - left over from last episode. The rest of the questions are about interacting with children/kids.   1.  I have a number of friends who come from difficult backgrounds – a family history of mental illness and/or abuse, poor decision-making, relative poverty and very little work experience. I’ve found that they’re generally unwilling to consider most basic employment options to alleviate their financial difficulties, figuring they are “better than” most realistic jobs and even enduring a great deal of debt to get dubious education credentials which – most anyone with a critical eye can see – are not going to simply leapfrog them into a high-paying job, especially given the lack of work history. Can the “ego trap” exist for those who don’t have much outside esteem coming in? Is it a form of deferral of failure? 2. I have a 2 yr old and another baby on the way. Being a dad is teaching me that I have to constantly fight my disagreeableness, because I am having to give more of myself to my kid and can't sustain trying to trade at 75/25 with him. My brain keeps telling me I am getting a bad deal with my kid, but I know I signed up for this and need your help beating my genes. What tactics or advice do you have for someone to at lease fake trading at less than 75/25 with a toddler?  3. Why kinds of adult things should generally be kept from kids, say 8-12 year olds? Is there any harm in letting them have unfiltered access to the internet, as long as we make sure they aren't getting into drugs or risk of pregnancy? In other words, to what age should they be kept fairly innocent, if at all, and why? 4.  This listener's question is about her mother, a school teacher, who lost her cool with an unruly child and had some significant resulting guilt.

In this show, we discuss showing weakness as a sexual strategy, then we move to a question about dominance hierarchies vs. competence hierarchy (is there a difference?).  Next question is about the mixed perceptions of evolutionary psychology.   Finally, Dr. Lisle then takes some time to discuss elements of the ego trap.   The questions are as follows: 1.  Do you think there are situations where a man showing weakness to a woman can be positive? Can women get away with it easily, or weakness also a signal of sexual interest when it comes to them? 2.Some people seem to be so driven to compete and rise to the top, however their internal audience is constantly asking them, “are you sure you’re not being too dominant? Is this step up worth it?”, either directly or indirectly in the form of general stress. Emotional stability seems to be a huge component in how this plays out on an individual basis.  I’d be curious if you think this competence/dominance inner battle is part of what plays into the pleasure trap. 3.I want to spread the truth of evolutionary psychology but I also don't want to hurt my mating chances by getting labeled a reject. Should I keep my evolutionary thoughts a secret and only explain it in easy to digest chic talk or should I spread these ideas with testicular fortitude? 4.I am wondering about how the ego trap might apply to people who have not been given reason for high expectations. In a sense, whether there is some interaction between the ego trap and the Dunning-Kruger effect of lower-capacity individuals being less likely to recognize their own limitations.  Can the “ego trap” exist for those who don’t have much outside esteem coming in? Is it a form of deferral of failure?

Dr. Lisle goes in depth about why nature has selected for subjective experiences.  The question is as follows: What is your take on why a subjective experience would have been selected for, as opposed to animals simply being like machines with no subjective experience inside?  More importantly, what is your take on how a subjective experience can possibly be created in the mind? How could neurons firing create a personal experience? Next, he tackles this broad few questions: Why were we given the intellectual capacity to overshoot our evolutionary advantage and create inventions that cause our demise?  Why would our minds become so advanced to create a world where we live with and around multiple pleasure traps daily, where even the strictest, most conscientious of us will fall prey to decision fatigue and give in to a few of these traps, thus affecting our happiness? Why do they have the capacity to do this? It seems as though we would have been happier animals as a species with a little less intellect.

Questions tonight are as follows: Can you please talk about the relationship between money and self-esteem and how to learn to enjoy the money one makes? If women in one's social circles, acquaintances, friends, etc. seem receptive to casual mating, should we go for it without much worry, or is it bound to lead to future problems with them and the group? Why does it appear that people make so much up? (at least on TV when asked questions) Am I the oddball for feeling that when you've known someone for a long time, that means something? Is it because I'm low in openness and introverted?